Men - how did you deal with it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So similar to another previous guy, I also went through the same thing about 10 years ago. I was completely blind sided one evening when my (now) exW told me she was not happy and that she felt we needed to separate - our child was barely 3 years old at that time. I went through the same excruciating feelings of sadness and anxiety that you have described.

Though I agreed to move out (I was 5 minutes away) and in my period of desperation, I tried many things over the course of the first several weeks to try to get her to change her mind. But I realized (and she said at point very clearly) that she was not going to change her mind. I was lucky to be close to the house that we had quickly set up a co-parenting schedule. I found a place to live (bought a new place) and within 6 months, I had moved in and setup a new home for me and our child.

I was still reeling and still somewhat numb during this entire period of time. What helped me was to focus all of my non-work time and energy onto our child and to make sure that every moment we had together was fun filled and enjoyable (the kid was 3 years old so lots of time going to museums, playgrounds, etc.). I did start to work out on the days that my kid was with their mom - but this was purely for my own mental health and sanity.

While we had the majority of the separation agreement in place there were two or three things that were still points of disagreement. It wasn't until about the 9th or 10th month when I had a light bulb moment - I found a way to overcome these minor points of disagreement and we finalized the paperwork. It felt like a ton of bricks had been lifted my shoulders and it also felt that for the first time in nearly a year I was able to see everything very clearly once again. What became very clear was that she had been involved in an emotional affair at the very least - and with a guy who I thought was mutual friend of ours. Turns out they both had planned to divorce the respective spouses at the same time and my exW eventually moved in with him (they are basically life partners as they are not officially married). Even with this clarity, I felt no ill will towards either of them. What had become clear to me was that (i) our marriage was not as strong or happy for a few years and (ii) we would not be good or happy together even if we stayed together as we each evolved separately and differently from each other.

Throughout all of this, I was not interested or ready to date - my focus and my energy was on my child and on my personal healing. About 20 months or so from the time she asked for the divorce, I started to dabble in the online dating scene - I was pushed basically by my closest cousin who I had visited in Europe while on vacation. I went on a few dates during the nights I was kid free. I was truly in a good place emotionally, mentally and by focusing on my own health, I was also in great shape.

I had no problem getting dates and met plenty of successful women (never married and divorced, some with kids and some without kids). I had a few meaningful relationships and about 3 years after the divorce, I met my now wife.

My advice to you is (i) focus on your children and make sure the time you spend with them is truly meaningful.

(ii) in the time that you don't have your kids, focus on your mental, emotional and physical health. You need to be good in all aspects of your life - your children will feed off of this. Do not let any disagreements with your STBX get in the way of your happiness with your children. Do not let them see you sad, angry, etc. You have to present a safe and loving environment for them and that starts with you being good - it will take time but you need to fake it 'til you make it.

(iii) part of being strong emotionally is to not dwell on whatever she ma have done. She made her choices. She very well may have tried to save the marriage. But as I learned from my own experience, if the communication between spouses was not clear (prior to the "announcement"), you cannot beat yourself up for not having been aware of how unhappy she was. My exW has admitted, years later, that she did try to save our marriage but she was doing things that seemed obvious to her, but she realized they were not obvious to me and she never had told me that she was unhappy or that she felt our marriage was in danger of falling apart.

(iv) when the day comes that you feel like the weight has been lifted off your shoulders (or that the fog has dissipated and things are clear), then you can start to think about dating. But do not go down that path sooner. And be careful about how you date - I never went on dates when my kid was with me (we had a 50/50 custody agreement). I never introduced my kid to a date or a GF until I was several months into a very serious relationship with my now 2nd wife. Always protect your children from your dating life.

I am sorry you're going through this, but things will get better, but it will take time. What your feeling and experiencing is gut wrenching for sure, but it is absolutely not the end of the world, even though it may seem like it. Focus on you children and your own health. Good luck.

OP here. Thank you for sharing this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a divorced man. It was finalized in 2019.

Firstly, she has checked out of the marriage. You haven't yet. But you will, in time. Try to accept that you're not going to save the marriage and get things back. Not going to happen. It's done. I ran around like a madman doing everything I could, but ultimately it didn't matter. In particular, don't bother with couples counseling.

Secondly, get your ducks in a row legally. See a lawyer, now. Initial consultation should be $300 or so. Make copies of all legal and financial documents and store them somewhere outside the house. Start working up a separation agreement. You should get 50/50 custody and assume that assets will be split 50/50. If the plan is for you to keep the house, start thinking about how you will pay her 50% of the equity. Get a professional appraisal as the basis for this.

Don't bother trying to figure out if there is another man. This won't affect custody or the separation of assets. You'll just spend more money on lawyers and private investigators.

Go to the gym. Lift heavy. This will improve your physical and mental state. I lifted 5x a week while my divorce was playing out. Look into some kind of mindfulness or meditation. You will go through a long period of stress and being able to calm yourself is important.

Once your wife moves out, you pretty much only want to talk to her about kid logistics and legal stuff pertaining to the divorce. She is no longer your friend and life partner. You don't want to tell her about your life, which is none of her business, and you are no longer available to listen patiently to her ceaseless female prattle.

Don't think about dating until the divorce is all over. You won't have the mental bandwidth for it.

Over two years later, I would say that I am happy. I wish the divorce hadn't happened, but it wasn't up to me. It's not up to you, either. I remain amicable with the ex, and as far as I can tell the kids are doing well, not least because I remain extremely involved in their lives - more so, in fact, than my XW.

I have dated a lot of divorced dads and this seems like good advice.

I’d say don’t bother dating until at least a year after the divorce is final. Your head won’t be in the right space. Or if you do, and all you want is sex, please make clear you are not ready for a serious relationship before you have sex.

I counsel my female friends not to date a guy who is divorced until the guy is at least 18 months past the divorce being final.

Just to reiterate that much of this is good advice. My ex- and I hired a mediator, and the mediator helped us to get 90% of the way. The remaining 10% we had to agree upon in discussions over the kitchen table. Mediation is far better than lawyering up and spending large sums of money battling over assets. Equally, don’t bother hiring a PI as one person said earlier. It won’t matter if she’s involved with someone else or not. Frankly, the court won’t care.

Get plenty of exercise and sleep. Cut back on alcohol and use the time to get healthy. I spent a lot of time hiking, getting me outdoors. And — contrary to the idea of not dating for at least a year — out of the blue, I met someone fabulous. Smart, fun, pretty, active, and positive. I’m happier than I have been in a long time. [She approached me, rather than the other way around.] You’ll get through this. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Everything the PP said is good, but I want to add to this:

Do not let any disagreements with your STBX get in the way of your happiness with your children. Do not let them see you sad, angry, etc. You have to present a safe and loving environment for them and that starts with you being good - it will take time but you need to fake it 'til you make it.

During my divorce, what my therapist told me is - "if you criticize your XW to your kids or to anyone else, that makes you the bad guy." You may well feel anger towards her, but very important not to show that to the kids. Frankly your friends don't want to hear you criticize her either. If you've got to vent, save it for a therapist who is paid to hear it.

It's very hard to stick to this rule if you think she's criticizing you to the kids, but you gotta do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It being, divorce. The wife mentioned that she has been unhappy for years and wants a divorce. I'm lost - caught me off guard. She's in the process of moving out of our house. Two kids in the mix, both under 10. I've been shocked for the last week and am having severe anxiety. I'm keeping a cool, brave front for the world but on the inside, I'm shattered. After the kids go to bed, I'm crying and drinking myself to sleep. Wife is sleeping in a separate bedroom until she moves out. She wants nothing to do with trying to save the marriage or discuss how I can make her happy like we used to be. I'm not begging her to stay but wanted to talk about it but she's already made up her mind. I am afraid that I'm going down a rabbit hole that I won't be able to pull myself out of. She had one emotional affair years ago and I have a feeling someone else is involved, but it's neither here nor there.

For those that went through separation/divorce, how did you get your life on track? Are you happier as a single dad? Help.

First thing you do is get your team together.

1) Lawyer. A good one. A lot of men in your position roll over and just take it because they're trying to keep the peace and minimize conflict with the wife. Do NOT do this. I'm not saying pick fights, but you absolutely need a good lawyer who can advise you on the law and how it applies to your situation. You may need to find your spine, especially if she calls a lot of the shots.

2) A therapist. A good one. For you. This will help you work through your emotions, help you find your footing and generally be an outlet for those times you feel erratic. This person will also help you find the spine you need to get through this.

3) A private investigator if you suspect there's any infidelity. In some states (Virginia) it can affect financial settlements.

4) Friends, confidants, etc. You need to tell a few people what's going on and you need to welcome their support.

I'm not going to lie: It's going to suck for the next several years. It will likely be financially devastating as you pay lawyers and the like. But it HAS to be done. You're looking for a fair and dignified settlement. Do NOT allow yourself to be pushed around. You're entitled to 50% custody. You get 50% of the assets. You may or may not have to pay some spousal support if there is a big income differential. This can be negotiated (and affected if there is infidelity -- see above about the PI).

I'm three years on now. I leveraged her infidelity to get out of paying spousal support -- she had great plans to "pretend to work" in real estate and "make it her year of learning" so she didn't make enough money that a judge would award her a lot of alimony. The photos and evidence from the PI put a stop to that pretty quick -- I think she was shocked.

Now, I'm so much happier than when I was in the years leading up to the divorce where I was staying out of a sense of duty to protect my kids from her borderline tendencies (outbursts of anger, withdrawal, etc). But it was a rocky road to get there.

I did get therapists for the kids. It's helped, but I'm not going to lie -- it messed them up pretty good too. That's unfortunate. But honestly it's hard to say whether it was the actual divorce that caused their issues or the years of living in a house where the parents basically co-existed and were ships in the night and while there wasn't a lot of direct conflict it was clear they didn't really dig each other. I was also the default parent even though she was the SAHM -- I was the one that took them to all the doctors, went to parent teacher conferences alone, went to all their school events solo, all their rehearsals and practices, etc. She stayed in the BR. Towards the end, she was having phone sex with her AP while I was taking the one kid to marching band. So it was a messed up situation. I only wish I had left earlier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It being, divorce. The wife mentioned that she has been unhappy for years and wants a divorce. I'm lost - caught me off guard. She's in the process of moving out of our house. Two kids in the mix, both under 10. I've been shocked for the last week and am having severe anxiety. I'm keeping a cool, brave front for the world but on the inside, I'm shattered. After the kids go to bed, I'm crying and drinking myself to sleep. Wife is sleeping in a separate bedroom until she moves out. She wants nothing to do with trying to save the marriage or discuss how I can make her happy like we used to be. I'm not begging her to stay but wanted to talk about it but she's already made up her mind. I am afraid that I'm going down a rabbit hole that I won't be able to pull myself out of. She had one emotional affair years ago and I have a feeling someone else is involved, but it's neither here nor there.

For those that went through separation/divorce, how did you get your life on track? Are you happier as a single dad? Help.

First thing is to stop drinking. You need to get your head and body straight. This will be very stressful. Accept it is over and move on to your new life. Just remember she is not on your side and will most likely try to stick it to you while you are down. Get a lawyer to protect your interest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It being, divorce. The wife mentioned that she has been unhappy for years and wants a divorce. I'm lost - caught me off guard. She's in the process of moving out of our house. Two kids in the mix, both under 10. I've been shocked for the last week and am having severe anxiety. I'm keeping a cool, brave front for the world but on the inside, I'm shattered. After the kids go to bed, I'm crying and drinking myself to sleep. Wife is sleeping in a separate bedroom until she moves out. She wants nothing to do with trying to save the marriage or discuss how I can make her happy like we used to be. I'm not begging her to stay but wanted to talk about it but she's already made up her mind. I am afraid that I'm going down a rabbit hole that I won't be able to pull myself out of. She had one emotional affair years ago and I have a feeling someone else is involved, but it's neither here nor there.

For those that went through separation/divorce, how did you get your life on track? Are you happier as a single dad? Help.

So she’s never before said she was unhappy? or why?

And you two were mainly happy before? The last few years too? (“Be happy like we used to be”)

If she’s NEVER before told you or shown you she’s unhappy and now is saying she’s always been unhappy, that’s weird. And if you think everyones been happy all the time leading up to this point, that’s weird too.

Either she’s the weird one and can’t communicate or tell you what her needs are and never tried even years ago.

Or you’re the weird one and ignore and forget all the times she used to share her feelings and concerns. And like the total lack of connection the last few years. And think it’s normal and good to never talk or share or connect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for some of the recommendations here. I lift 4-5 times a week and don't sport a beer belly.

Wife has been discontent and we've been in therapy for a while. I admit and have admitted to her that I have been lazy and selfish. I am however a very involved dad. The laziness was more towards our relationship. Over the course of therapy, I had changed my behavior and was working hard to be a partner and not a roommate.

Thanks for some of the guidance. As one poster said, get a lawyer and cry later. That's what I'm in the process of doing right now.

Ok then. Operation Divorce it is.

You’ll make it through the other side fine.

And if you want to work on yourself later (the selfish, lazy bit), please do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for some of the recommendations here. I lift 4-5 times a week and don't sport a beer belly.

Wife has been discontent and we've been in therapy for a while. I admit and have admitted to her that I have been lazy and selfish. I am however a very involved dad. The laziness was more towards our relationship. Over the course of therapy, I had changed my behavior and was working hard to be a partner and not a roommate.

Thanks for some of the guidance. As one poster said, get a lawyer and cry later. That's what I'm in the process of doing right now.

Why did you let it get to that point? Nobody gets married thinking "I'm going to be a lazy and selfish roommate", right?

You may benefit from reading Must Be This Tall To Ride.

I was spending more time at work and then when home, with the kids. Our relationship suffered. By the time the kids were in bed, I was too tired to engage, as was she. That was one of the reasons for her first emotional affair.

Emotional affair like another adult to talk with about life since you would not?

Was it an old friend or a coworker or and old flame?

Either way, too little too late.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for some of the recommendations here. I lift 4-5 times a week and don't sport a beer belly.

Wife has been discontent and we've been in therapy for a while. I admit and have admitted to her that I have been lazy and selfish. I am however a very involved dad. The laziness was more towards our relationship. Over the course of therapy, I had changed my behavior and was working hard to be a partner and not a roommate.

Thanks for some of the guidance. As one poster said, get a lawyer and cry later. That's what I'm in the process of doing right now.

Why did you let it get to that point? Nobody gets married thinking "I'm going to be a lazy and selfish roommate", right?

You may benefit from reading Must Be This Tall To Ride.

I was spending more time at work and then when home, with the kids. Our relationship suffered. By the time the kids were in bed, I was too tired to engage, as was she. That was one of the reasons for her first emotional affair.

Kids that age to go sleep at like 8pmz what did you do most nights from 8pm to 11pm??

[Anonymous]

Priority One: PROTECT YOURSELF. You will need to be there for the kids, but you can't do that if you get destroyed in the divorce financially and emotionally.

Don't worry that she is the kids mother because she will NOT care that you are their father. It is NOT your job to protect her from the consequences of her choices any more. Therefore do NOT give concessions to her and do not give her the benefit of the doubt.


Expect her to tell the kids in various subtle and not-so-subtle ways that its your fault. Expect the kids to withdraw from you. Expect everyone to judge you and ask "what did you do?" Expect her to play the victim card. Get as much custody as you can. Expect to feel very sad and unhappy. Expect suicidal thoughts and get help if you need. Suicide is a very real issue for men after divorce. Expect her to move on quickly (much more quickly than you will). Men often lose their identity when their wives divorce them because they associate themselves so closely with being a husband and father. Take that away and many men feel lost.

Bottom line, if you are a typical man, yes this blindsided you because you were probably working and doing all the stuff you thought you should be doing and you thought that would be reciprocated with loyalty but it wasn't you will feel betrayed and you will question why me - what did I do - but understand it wasn't you.

[Anonymous]

Two things. First, the original post easily could have been written by a wife rather than a husband. These dynamics happen both ways. The one who leaves is almost always less surprised and shocked than the one who is left. Second, you have to bend over backwards not to make the kids choose sides or hate try to hate the other parent. This is really important for the kids but also for you. In the long run you'll be happier if there's less drama.

Agree with all the points about exercise, being a little introspective, and finding new activities. There are also a lot of divorced men out there. Some are emotionally intelligent and some are emotional dunces but many of them love to hang out with other divorced men and do stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for some of the recommendations here. I lift 4-5 times a week and don't sport a beer belly.

Wife has been discontent and we've been in therapy for a while. I admit and have admitted to her that I have been lazy and selfish. I am however a very involved dad. The laziness was more towards our relationship. Over the course of therapy, I had changed my behavior and was working hard to be a partner and not a roommate.

Thanks for some of the guidance. As one poster said, get a lawyer and cry later. That's what I'm in the process of doing right now.

Why did you let it get to that point? Nobody gets married thinking "I'm going to be a lazy and selfish roommate", right?

You may benefit from reading Must Be This Tall To Ride.

I was spending more time at work and then when home, with the kids. Our relationship suffered. By the time the kids were in bed, I was too tired to engage, as was she. That was one of the reasons for her first emotional affair.

Emotional affair like another adult to talk with about life since you would not?

Was it an old friend or a coworker or and old flame?

Either way, too little too late.

Look stop attacking him. Take your passive aggressive man hate some place else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It being, divorce. The wife mentioned that she has been unhappy for years and wants a divorce. I'm lost - caught me off guard. She's in the process of moving out of our house. Two kids in the mix, both under 10. I've been shocked for the last week and am having severe anxiety. I'm keeping a cool, brave front for the world but on the inside, I'm shattered. After the kids go to bed, I'm crying and drinking myself to sleep. Wife is sleeping in a separate bedroom until she moves out. She wants nothing to do with trying to save the marriage or discuss how I can make her happy like we used to be. I'm not begging her to stay but wanted to talk about it but she's already made up her mind. I am afraid that I'm going down a rabbit hole that I won't be able to pull myself out of. She had one emotional affair years ago and I have a feeling someone else is involved, but it's neither here nor there.

For those that went through separation/divorce, how did you get your life on track? Are you happier as a single dad? Help.

So she’s never before said she was unhappy? or why?

And you two were mainly happy before? The last few years too? (“Be happy like we used to be”)

If she’s NEVER before told you or shown you she’s unhappy and now is saying she’s always been unhappy, that’s weird. And if you think everyones been happy all the time leading up to this point, that’s weird too.

Either she’s the weird one and can’t communicate or tell you what her needs are and never tried even years ago.

Or you’re the weird one and ignore and forget all the times she used to share her feelings and concerns. And like the total lack of connection the last few years. And think it’s normal and good to never talk or share or connect.

Who cares. This is irrelevant to the OP now. He can sort through the garbage if he wants after the divorce is final.

[Anonymous]

Don't bother trying to figure out if there is another man. This won't affect custody or the separation of assets. You'll just spend more money on lawyers and private investigators.

I think most of the advice in the first long post, which this is quoted from, is good - but I disagree with the quote above. As a later PP said, you may be able to leverage evidence of an affair in the divorce to win points you want or get her to move on things, because she may not want the information to be public. If she is driven to maintain her repuation, evidence of an affair will benefit you. At the very least, look at the phone bill for texting patterns and check browser history.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It being, divorce. The wife mentioned that she has been unhappy for years and wants a divorce. I'm lost - caught me off guard.

Maybe because you call her "the wife"?

God I hate that phrase. I bet you also love to watch the game in your man cave.