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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]It being, divorce. The wife mentioned that she has been unhappy for years and wants a divorce. I'm lost - caught me off guard. She's in the process of moving out of our house. Two kids in the mix, both under 10. I've been shocked for the last week and am having severe anxiety. I'm keeping a cool, brave front for the world but on the inside, I'm shattered. After the kids go to bed, I'm crying and drinking myself to sleep. Wife is sleeping in a separate bedroom until she moves out. She wants nothing to do with trying to save the marriage or discuss how I can make her happy like we used to be. I'm not begging her to stay but wanted to talk about it but she's already made up her mind. I am afraid that I'm going down a rabbit hole that I won't be able to pull myself out of. She had one emotional affair years ago and I have a feeling someone else is involved, but it's neither here nor there.

For those that went through separation/divorce, how did you get your life on track? Are you happier as a single dad? Help. [/quote]

First thing you do is get your team together.

1) Lawyer. A good one. A lot of men in your position roll over and just take it because they're trying to keep the peace and minimize conflict with the wife. Do NOT do this. I'm not saying pick fights, but you absolutely need a good lawyer who can advise you on the law and how it applies to your situation. You may need to find your spine, especially if she calls a lot of the shots.

2) A therapist. A good one. For you. This will help you work through your emotions, help you find your footing and generally be an outlet for those times you feel erratic. This person will also help you find the spine you need to get through this.

3) A private investigator if you suspect there's any infidelity. In some states (Virginia) it can affect financial settlements.

4) Friends, confidants, etc. You need to tell a few people what's going on and you need to welcome their support.

I'm not going to lie: It's going to suck for the next several years. It will likely be financially devastating as you pay lawyers and the like. But it HAS to be done. You're looking for a fair and dignified settlement. Do NOT allow yourself to be pushed around. You're entitled to 50% custody. You get 50% of the assets. You may or may not have to pay some spousal support if there is a big income differential. This can be negotiated (and affected if there is infidelity -- see above about the PI).

I'm three years on now. I leveraged her infidelity to get out of paying spousal support -- she had great plans to "pretend to work" in real estate and "make it her year of learning" so she didn't make enough money that a judge would award her a lot of alimony. The photos and evidence from the PI put a stop to that pretty quick -- I think she was shocked.

Now, I'm so much happier than when I was in the years leading up to the divorce where I was staying out of a sense of duty to protect my kids from her borderline tendencies (outbursts of anger, withdrawal, etc).  But it was a rocky road to get there.

I did get therapists for the kids. It's helped, but I'm not going to lie -- it messed them up pretty good too. That's unfortunate. But honestly it's hard to say whether it was the actual divorce that caused their issues or the years of living in a house where the parents basically co-existed and were ships in the night and while there wasn't a lot of direct conflict it was clear they didn't really dig each other.  I was also the default parent even though she was the SAHM -- I was the one that took them to all the doctors, went to parent teacher conferences alone, went to all their school events solo, all their rehearsals and practices, etc. She stayed in the BR. Towards the end, she was having phone sex with her AP while I was taking the one kid to marching band. So it was a messed up situation. I only wish I had left earlier. [/quote]

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