Men - how did you deal with it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for some of the recommendations here. I lift 4-5 times a week and don't sport a beer belly.

Wife has been discontent and we've been in therapy for a while. I admit and have admitted to her that I have been lazy and selfish. I am however a very involved dad. The laziness was more towards our relationship. Over the course of therapy, I had changed my behavior and was working hard to be a partner and not a roommate.

Thanks for some of the guidance. As one poster said, get a lawyer and cry later. That's what I'm in the process of doing right now.

Why did you let it get to that point? Nobody gets married thinking "I'm going to be a lazy and selfish roommate", right?

You may benefit from reading Must Be This Tall To Ride.

I was spending more time at work and then when home, with the kids. Our relationship suffered. By the time the kids were in bed, I was too tired to engage, as was she. That was one of the reasons for her first emotional affair.

First emotional affair? So there was more than 1? And now it sounds like she's taken this thing physically. You may have had your issues OP, but trust and believe you will be in a much better place when you divorce. Out of the fog, you;ll be follow the advice in the long post from the divorced dad and you will be all right.

[Anonymous]

Who knows what he meant or if he’s assuming there’s more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for some of the recommendations here. I lift 4-5 times a week and don't sport a beer belly.

Wife has been discontent and we've been in therapy for a while. I admit and have admitted to her that I have been lazy and selfish. I am however a very involved dad. The laziness was more towards our relationship. Over the course of therapy, I had changed my behavior and was working hard to be a partner and not a roommate.

Thanks for some of the guidance. As one poster said, get a lawyer and cry later. That's what I'm in the process of doing right now.

Why did you let it get to that point? Nobody gets married thinking "I'm going to be a lazy and selfish roommate", right?

You may benefit from reading Must Be This Tall To Ride.

I was spending more time at work and then when home, with the kids. Our relationship suffered. By the time the kids were in bed, I was too tired to engage, as was she. That was one of the reasons for her first emotional affair.

Kids that age to go sleep at like 8pmz what did you do most nights from 8pm to 11pm??

Marching band is high school. You do know people can have more than one kid, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for some of the recommendations here. I lift 4-5 times a week and don't sport a beer belly.

Wife has been discontent and we've been in therapy for a while. I admit and have admitted to her that I have been lazy and selfish. I am however a very involved dad. The laziness was more towards our relationship. Over the course of therapy, I had changed my behavior and was working hard to be a partner and not a roommate.

Thanks for some of the guidance. As one poster said, get a lawyer and cry later. That's what I'm in the process of doing right now.

Ah. I am/have been this wife in my own marriage. DH spent years investing little emotional connection outside of physical sex no matter how often I asked for more or tried different approaches. He focused 99% of his time and energy on his career under the guise of providing, when at least some of it was his own ego.

We are in therapy for the last year, and he has changed a lot — both of us have — but it still often feels too late and that the pain of being ignored but for sex is too great to bear.

Just for some perspective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It being, divorce. The wife mentioned that she has been unhappy for years and wants a divorce. I'm lost - caught me off guard. She's in the process of moving out of our house. Two kids in the mix, both under 10. I've been shocked for the last week and am having severe anxiety. I'm keeping a cool, brave front for the world but on the inside, I'm shattered. After the kids go to bed, I'm crying and drinking myself to sleep. Wife is sleeping in a separate bedroom until she moves out. She wants nothing to do with trying to save the marriage or discuss how I can make her happy like we used to be. I'm not begging her to stay but wanted to talk about it but she's already made up her mind. I am afraid that I'm going down a rabbit hole that I won't be able to pull myself out of. She had one emotional affair years ago and I have a feeling someone else is involved, but it's neither here nor there.

For those that went through separation/divorce, how did you get your life on track? Are you happier as a single dad? Help.

check out husbandhelphaven.com

[Anonymous]

Nothing to add, but I'm moved by all of the concern and advice in this thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for some of the recommendations here. I lift 4-5 times a week and don't sport a beer belly.

Wife has been discontent and we've been in therapy for a while. I admit and have admitted to her that I have been lazy and selfish. I am however a very involved dad. The laziness was more towards our relationship. Over the course of therapy, I had changed my behavior and was working hard to be a partner and not a roommate.

Thanks for some of the guidance. As one poster said, get a lawyer and cry later. That's what I'm in the process of doing right now.

Why did you let it get to that point? Nobody gets married thinking "I'm going to be a lazy and selfish roommate", right?

You may benefit from reading Must Be This Tall To Ride.

[b]I was spending more time at work and then when home, with the kids. Our relationship suffered. By the time the kids were in bed, I was too tired to engage [\b], as was she. That was one of the reasons for her first emotional affair.

Kids that age to go sleep at like 8pmz what did you do most nights from 8pm to 11pm??

Marching band is high school. You do know people can have more than one kid, right?

Huh? OPs kids are 10 and under. No marching band the last five years.

That was Op talking about the bold or no?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a divorced man. It was finalized in 2019.

Firstly, she has checked out of the marriage. You haven't yet. But you will, in time. Try to accept that you're not going to save the marriage and get things back. Not going to happen. It's done. I ran around like a madman doing everything I could, but ultimately it didn't matter. In particular, don't bother with couples counseling.

Secondly, get your ducks in a row legally. See a lawyer, now. Initial consultation should be $300 or so. Make copies of all legal and financial documents and store them somewhere outside the house. Start working up a separation agreement. You should get 50/50 custody and assume that assets will be split 50/50. If the plan is for you to keep the house, start thinking about how you will pay her 50% of the equity. Get a professional appraisal as the basis for this.

Don't bother trying to figure out if there is another man. This won't affect custody or the separation of assets. You'll just spend more money on lawyers and private investigators.

Go to the gym. Lift heavy. This will improve your physical and mental state. I lifted 5x a week while my divorce was playing out. Look into some kind of mindfulness or meditation. You will go through a long period of stress and being able to calm yourself is important.

Once your wife moves out, you pretty much only want to talk to her about kid logistics and legal stuff pertaining to the divorce. She is no longer your friend and life partner. You don't want to tell her about your life, which is none of her business, and you are no longer available to listen patiently to her ceaseless female prattle.

Don't think about dating until the divorce is all over. You won't have the mental bandwidth for it.

Over two years later, I would say that I am happy. I wish the divorce hadn't happened, but it wasn't up to me. It's not up to you, either. I remain amicable with the ex, and as far as I can tell the kids are doing well, not least because I remain extremely involved in their lives - more so, in fact, than my XW.

Hmm. This might have something to do with why she left.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a divorced man. It was finalized in 2019.

Firstly, she has checked out of the marriage. You haven't yet. But you will, in time. Try to accept that you're not going to save the marriage and get things back. Not going to happen. It's done. I ran around like a madman doing everything I could, but ultimately it didn't matter. In particular, don't bother with couples counseling.

Secondly, get your ducks in a row legally. See a lawyer, now. Initial consultation should be $300 or so. Make copies of all legal and financial documents and store them somewhere outside the house. Start working up a separation agreement. You should get 50/50 custody and assume that assets will be split 50/50. If the plan is for you to keep the house, start thinking about how you will pay her 50% of the equity. Get a professional appraisal as the basis for this.

Don't bother trying to figure out if there is another man. This won't affect custody or the separation of assets. You'll just spend more money on lawyers and private investigators.

Go to the gym. Lift heavy. This will improve your physical and mental state. I lifted 5x a week while my divorce was playing out. Look into some kind of mindfulness or meditation. You will go through a long period of stress and being able to calm yourself is important.

Once your wife moves out, you pretty much only want to talk to her about kid logistics and legal stuff pertaining to the divorce. She is no longer your friend and life partner. You don't want to tell her about your life, which is none of her business, and you are no longer available to listen patiently to her ceaseless female prattle.

Don't think about dating until the divorce is all over. You won't have the mental bandwidth for it.

Over two years later, I would say that I am happy. I wish the divorce hadn't happened, but it wasn't up to me. It's not up to you, either. I remain amicable with the ex, and as far as I can tell the kids are doing well, not least because I remain extremely involved in their lives - more so, in fact, than my XW.

Hmm. This might have something to do with why she left.

[Anonymous]

https://dadstartingover.com/

This website has everything you need to move forward.
Good luck.

[Anonymous]

I’m a married woman, so no advice from me. I just wanted to chime in and say that 50/50 custody with another involved parent sounds amazing. I love my kids, but I could definitely use some regular breaks.
Oh, and you can arrange your schedule however it works for you. No checking in with anyone else. And you can spend your money, keep your home, plan your schedule, and travel wherever you want to go without taking your spouse’s opinion into account.

I’m happily married, but there are some serious upsides to divorce that you are missing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a married woman, so no advice from me. I just wanted to chime in and say that 50/50 custody with another involved parent sounds amazing. I love my kids, but I could definitely use some regular breaks.
Oh, and you can arrange your schedule however it works for you. No checking in with anyone else. And you can spend your money, keep your home, plan your schedule, and travel wherever you want to go without taking your spouse’s opinion into account.

I’m happily married, but there are some serious upsides to divorce that you are missing.

Also a married woman, though right now marriage is struggling (actually reading this thread in part as an exercise in figuring out how bad things are — don’t think we are close to divorce right now).

But agreed, and wanted to add: the freedom of never having to waste another vacation day or holiday on my in-laws sounds like a huge gift. I know some people like their in-laws, but mine are awful. My husband doesn’t even like them. The idea of never having to trudge the seven hours drive to their house to deal with their constant, depressing, bullshit sounds like magic.

Though knowing my kids would have to go with their dad would make me sad. I wish our whole family could be free of them.

[Anonymous]

Get a lawyer, get a gym membership, stay away from alcohol or other intoxicants for the next 6 months. If your wife catches you drunk, she will try to use it against you when arguing for custody.

Clean living and plenty of sleep - this is what you need right now to make it to the other side in one piece.

[Anonymous]

You mention being shocked.

Before the separate bedroom thing happened,

- how was your sex life?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Hmm. This might have something to do with why she left.

Hmmm your assumptions are stupid and wrong.