If your 3rd child was an oops baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, have you considered adoption? I know someone who adopted a baby from someone who didn't want a third child or an abortion.

Go away. You’re ridiculous. No adult woman with children is going to give up her third child for adoption. Get over yourself.

Not the PP of the adoption thread, but my best friend gave her third child for adoption. She's pretty well-off and could afford a third, she just didn't want to take care of it. No one cared.

This is horrifying. I watched that Netflix documentary on Chinese adoptees. They were all haunted by the idea that their biological parents just didn't want them - it was clearly painful to them on a daily basis. The only thing that seemed to comfort them was understanding how poor their parents were and what little choice they had in giving up their children. I cannot imagine the pain of being adopted and learning that your biological mom gave you up because she "just didn't want to take care" of you. That would mess up a person for life.

Oh but she wanted the siblings. That would hurt even worse.

This isn’t a 16 year old with no money and no experience parenting. This is someone with the means and experience to have another child choosing not to keep this one child. And once you’ve had kids, you know exactly what the relationship is between a mother and child that you’re giving up.

I doubt “no one cared.” I’m sure that child will care someday. I’m sure the other kids will care when they grow and learn what their parents did to their younger sibling. And let’s be really, any friends/family who know about this have silently judged.

Who cares if they judge? That's what this is really about to you isn't it? What people will think. Not that it might be the best option for the people actually involved, plus the adoptive parents. Some of us don't live our lives based on what other people think of us.

No, the judging is the least of what we’re talking about, though yes, most people will judge you for giving up a baby bc you just don’t want it. That’s a horrifying idea to most humans. But no, you’re missing the whole point about this child and the child’s siblings being messed up for life. Adoption is not some benign thing for the adoptee. It’s really a last resort and has significant emotional consequences.

[Anonymous]

Most people in this thread understandably are not informed about modern adoption in the US. The reality is that most women who place children for adoption are already raising older children. The perception that it is teenagers who place children for adoption is incorrect and out of date.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, have you considered adoption? I know someone who adopted a baby from someone who didn't want a third child or an abortion.

Go away. You’re ridiculous. No adult woman with children is going to give up her third child for adoption. Get over yourself.

Not the PP of the adoption thread, but my best friend gave her third child for adoption. She's pretty well-off and could afford a third, she just didn't want to take care of it. No one cared.

This is horrifying. I watched that Netflix documentary on Chinese adoptees. They were all haunted by the idea that their biological parents just didn't want them - it was clearly painful to them on a daily basis. The only thing that seemed to comfort them was understanding how poor their parents were and what little choice they had in giving up their children. I cannot imagine the pain of being adopted and learning that your biological mom gave you up because she "just didn't want to take care" of you. That would mess up a person for life.

Oh but she wanted the siblings. That would hurt even worse.

This isn’t a 16 year old with no money and no experience parenting. This is someone with the means and experience to have another child choosing not to keep this one child. And once you’ve had kids, you know exactly what the relationship is between a mother and child that you’re giving up.

I doubt “no one cared.” I’m sure that child will care someday. I’m sure the other kids will care when they grow and learn what their parents did to their younger sibling. And let’s be really, any friends/family who know about this have silently judged.

Who cares if they judge? That's what this is really about to you isn't it? What people will think. Not that it might be the best option for the people actually involved, plus the adoptive parents. Some of us don't live our lives based on what other people think of us.

No, the judging is the least of what we’re talking about, though yes, most people will judge you for giving up a baby bc you just don’t want it. That’s a horrifying idea to most humans. But no, you’re missing the whole point about this child and the child’s siblings being messed up for life. Adoption is not some benign thing for the adoptee. It’s really a last resort and has significant emotional consequences.

Yes, much better to abort

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, have you considered adoption? I know someone who adopted a baby from someone who didn't want a third child or an abortion.

Go away. You’re ridiculous. No adult woman with children is going to give up her third child for adoption. Get over yourself.

Not the PP of the adoption thread, but my best friend gave her third child for adoption. She's pretty well-off and could afford a third, she just didn't want to take care of it. No one cared.

This is horrifying. I watched that Netflix documentary on Chinese adoptees. They were all haunted by the idea that their biological parents just didn't want them - it was clearly painful to them on a daily basis. The only thing that seemed to comfort them was understanding how poor their parents were and what little choice they had in giving up their children. I cannot imagine the pain of being adopted and learning that your biological mom gave you up because she "just didn't want to take care" of you. That would mess up a person for life.

Oh but she wanted the siblings. That would hurt even worse.

This isn’t a 16 year old with no money and no experience parenting. This is someone with the means and experience to have another child choosing not to keep this one child. And once you’ve had kids, you know exactly what the relationship is between a mother and child that you’re giving up.

I doubt “no one cared.” I’m sure that child will care someday. I’m sure the other kids will care when they grow and learn what their parents did to their younger sibling. And let’s be really, any friends/family who know about this have silently judged.

Who cares if they judge? That's what this is really about to you isn't it? What people will think. Not that it might be the best option for the people actually involved, plus the adoptive parents. Some of us don't live our lives based on what other people think of us.

No, the judging is the least of what we’re talking about, though yes, most people will judge you for giving up a baby bc you just don’t want it. That’s a horrifying idea to most humans. But no, you’re missing the whole point about this child and the child’s siblings being messed up for life. Adoption is not some benign thing for the adoptee. It’s really a last resort and has significant emotional consequences.

Yes, much better to abort

I think it is, actually.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, have you considered adoption? I know someone who adopted a baby from someone who didn't want a third child or an abortion.

NP but I feel like adoption would be really hard to explain to her older kids?

Just explain that they couldn't keep the baby because it was too expensive but the baby went to a loving, caring family. Maybe keep the adoption semi-open so the kids can kind of know their sibling. Or don't tell until they're older, from what I've read they seem kind of young.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, have you considered adoption? I know someone who adopted a baby from someone who didn't want a third child or an abortion.

NP but I feel like adoption would be really hard to explain to her older kids?

Just explain that they couldn't keep the baby because it was too expensive but the baby went to a loving, caring family. Maybe keep the adoption semi-open so the kids can kind of know their sibling. Or don't tell until they're older, from what I've read they seem kind of young.

Right, easy-peasy!

I'm not saying adoption is easy (I've adopted a child, I know how hard adoption is), I'm saying it's an option.

It's actually a terrible option for the children in a case like this (loving home, stable finances, older sibs). Please imagine, if you will, telling your 5-year-old you gave away her baby sibling. Imagine the reaction of your extended family and friends. Now imagine the baby is an adult and comes looking for his birth family and wants to know why he was put up for adoption. "Meh, I could have taken care of you, we had a comfortable, happy life. But I just didn't feel like having another child, so I gave you away to strangers."

(I don't mean to disparage OP; not wanting another child is a perfectly valid reason not to have one. I'm just pointing out what a ridiculously unworkable option adoption is in these circumstances.)

Every time a thread like this comes up, with circumstances like these, someone suggests adoption. Seriously, WTF is wrong with you people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, have you considered adoption? I know someone who adopted a baby from someone who didn't want a third child or an abortion.

Go away. You’re ridiculous. No adult woman with children is going to give up her third child for adoption. Get over yourself.

Not the PP of the adoption thread, but my best friend gave her third child for adoption. She's pretty well-off and could afford a third, she just didn't want to take care of it. No one cared.

This is horrifying. I watched that Netflix documentary on Chinese adoptees. They were all haunted by the idea that their biological parents just didn't want them - it was clearly painful to them on a daily basis. The only thing that seemed to comfort them was understanding how poor their parents were and what little choice they had in giving up their children. I cannot imagine the pain of being adopted and learning that your biological mom gave you up because she "just didn't want to take care" of you. That would mess up a person for life.

Oh but she wanted the siblings. That would hurt even worse.

This isn’t a 16 year old with no money and no experience parenting. This is someone with the means and experience to have another child choosing not to keep this one child. And once you’ve had kids, you know exactly what the relationship is between a mother and child that you’re giving up.

I doubt “no one cared.” I’m sure that child will care someday. I’m sure the other kids will care when they grow and learn what their parents did to their younger sibling. And let’s be really, any friends/family who know about this have silently judged.

Who cares if they judge? That's what this is really about to you isn't it? What people will think. Not that it might be the best option for the people actually involved, plus the adoptive parents. Some of us don't live our lives based on what other people think of us.

No, the judging is the least of what we’re talking about, though yes, most people will judge you for giving up a baby bc you just don’t want it. That’s a horrifying idea to most humans. But no, you’re missing the whole point about this child and the child’s siblings being messed up for life. Adoption is not some benign thing for the adoptee. It’s really a last resort and has significant emotional consequences.

Yes, much better to abort

Actually, IMO it 100% is better to abort in these circumstances.

[Anonymous]

Sorry this thread has derailed, OP. And I'm sorry you are going through this. I completely understand, I really do. But I also think it will be ok. Best wishes to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, have you considered adoption? I know someone who adopted a baby from someone who didn't want a third child or an abortion.

NP but I feel like adoption would be really hard to explain to her older kids?

Just explain that they couldn't keep the baby because it was too expensive but the baby went to a loving, caring family. Maybe keep the adoption semi-open so the kids can kind of know their sibling. Or don't tell until they're older, from what I've read they seem kind of young.

Right, easy-peasy!

I'm not saying adoption is easy (I've adopted a child, I know how hard adoption is), I'm saying it's an option.

It's actually a terrible option for the children in a case like this (loving home, stable finances, older sibs). Please imagine, if you will, telling your 5-year-old you gave away her baby sibling. Imagine the reaction of your extended family and friends. Now imagine the baby is an adult and comes looking for his birth family and wants to know why he was put up for adoption. "Meh, I could have taken care of you, we had a comfortable, happy life. But I just didn't feel like having another child, so I gave you away to strangers."

(I don't mean to disparage OP; not wanting another child is a perfectly valid reason not to have one. I'm just pointing out what a ridiculously unworkable option adoption is in these circumstances.)

Every time a thread like this comes up, with circumstances like these, someone suggests adoption. Seriously, WTF is wrong with you people.

If I was in a situation where I had to place my child for adoption, I wouldn't tell the remaining child until they were older.

Adoptees wanting to look for their birth parents is much less common than the media says it is. Most adoptees are perfectly content with their adoptive families. If this did happen in real life, I'd be honest with the child and say I didn't want an abortion or a 2nd/3rd/4th child so I decided to place them for adoption. I think that pro-choice people need to understand that being pro-choice also means being pro the choice to give birth. Neither adoption nor abortion is an ideal situation but some people find placing a child for adoption is easier than aborting it and vice versa. I personally don't think I could handle aborting my child from an emotional perspective. As for what my family would think if I placed a child for adoption, I think my family would be understanding. I could see some of my more religious, more opinionated friends trying to convince me to keep the child or attempt to break off contact but I know that my best friend would be supportive, and even if she wasn't, I don't care what other people think.

Also, we need to go away with the assumption that the majority of people placing their children for domestic adoption are teenagers. The majority of women placing their children for adoption are middle-aged and/or have other children, some in foster care, some being parented, and some placed for adoption.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, have you considered adoption? I know someone who adopted a baby from someone who didn't want a third child or an abortion.

Go away. You’re ridiculous. No adult woman with children is going to give up her third child for adoption. Get over yourself.

Not the PP of the adoption thread, but my best friend gave her third child for adoption. She's pretty well-off and could afford a third, she just didn't want to take care of it. No one cared.

This is horrifying. I watched that Netflix documentary on Chinese adoptees. They were all haunted by the idea that their biological parents just didn't want them - it was clearly painful to them on a daily basis. The only thing that seemed to comfort them was understanding how poor their parents were and what little choice they had in giving up their children. I cannot imagine the pain of being adopted and learning that your biological mom gave you up because she "just didn't want to take care" of you. That would mess up a person for life.

Oh but she wanted the siblings. That would hurt even worse.

This isn’t a 16 year old with no money and no experience parenting. This is someone with the means and experience to have another child choosing not to keep this one child. And once you’ve had kids, you know exactly what the relationship is between a mother and child that you’re giving up.

I doubt “no one cared.” I’m sure that child will care someday. I’m sure the other kids will care when they grow and learn what their parents did to their younger sibling. And let’s be really, any friends/family who know about this have silently judged.

Who cares if they judge? That's what this is really about to you isn't it? What people will think. Not that it might be the best option for the people actually involved, plus the adoptive parents. Some of us don't live our lives based on what other people think of us.

No, the judging is the least of what we’re talking about, though yes, most people will judge you for giving up a baby bc you just don’t want it. That’s a horrifying idea to most humans. But no, you’re missing the whole point about this child and the child’s siblings being messed up for life. Adoption is not some benign thing for the adoptee. It’s really a last resort and has significant emotional consequences.

Yes, much better to abort

Actually, IMO it 100% is better to abort in these circumstances.

Well, IMO it is 100% better to place for adoption. Abortion should be the absolute last option.

[Anonymous]

My kids are 5 and 7 and we both work full time. I cannot imagine handling sports and activities for more than 2 kids.
I think the key is that parents with 3+ kids need to be comfortable car pooling and asking for help from other families.

Make friends with your neighbors and foster friendships between your kids and kids who will be in the same grade. You will need those connections in a few years.

[Anonymous]

My birth mother placed her 4th and 5th children for adoption. Oldest child was 10 at the time. It happens, though obviously not common. Happy to be here.

[Anonymous]

For what it’s worth, I terminated instead of having a 3rd. No regrets.

I didn’t consider placing a child for adoption because a) weird to tell everyone I was doing that and b) I didn’t want to be pregnant. I don’t believe that a five week embryo is life the same way, say, my children are, so why put myself through all that?

I know this is a fraught issue but I think it’s rare that people regret having a third and I think it’s rare that people regret terminating. If you think about it that way, you have two good options ahead of you.

[Anonymous]

We had an unexpected 3rd. Honestly, going from 2 to 3 isn't that big of a change. You're already in the thick of it so it should be just more of the same. We did get a minivan for more space, though we could've kept the SUV. We made it work and are much happier with three. The "oops" is now 7 so clearly we've adjusted just fine. In retrospect, I think 2 wouldn't have been enough for us so you will adapt.

best of luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For what it’s worth, I terminated instead of having a 3rd. No regrets.

I didn’t consider placing a child for adoption because a) weird to tell everyone I was doing that and b) I didn’t want to be pregnant. I don’t believe that a five week embryo is life the same way, say, my children are, so why put myself through all that?

I know this is a fraught issue but I think it’s rare that people regret having a third and I think it’s rare that people regret terminating. If you think about it that way, you have two good options ahead of you.

I made the same decision and agree with this.