If your 3rd child was an oops baby.

[Anonymous]

Jfc to the people saying "oops" babies don't happen. You're either a man, ignorant, or playing some sort of stupid semantics game because of your personal religious belief or some sh*t like that. Go away.

Op, our third was an oops baby. At first I was overwhelmed and freaked out big time, didn't want to name the baby and felt oddly disconnected from that pregnancy compared to my first two. We decided to stay in our home but that baby didn't get a perfect nursery. We still had one in a crib so the baby stayed in our room. This also allowed us to keep a room open for family as everyone was out of state and I wanted people to come and help me. I got a car with a 3rd row.

The first year+ was tough for me (DC3 was sick, DH changed jobs and we also ended up having to move), but baby 3 rounded out our family and we all love that child to pieces. The tough parts were a season and I didn't know it at the time, but DH's job change proved to be a great one financially so all that stuff worked out too.

Good luck to you!

[Anonymous]

OP here.

Thank you all. I appreciate the answers, whether you terminated or sharing your experience.

I don't understand that idea "no such thing as an oops baby." What's the difference between calling it an "oops" and "unplanned"?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:OP, have you considered adoption? I know someone who adopted a baby from someone who didn't want a third child or an abortion.

Go away. You’re ridiculous. No adult woman with children is going to give up her third child for adoption. Get over yourself.

Not the PP of the adoption thread, but my best friend gave her third child for adoption. She's pretty well-off and could afford a third, she just didn't want to take care of it. No one cared.

This is horrifying. I watched that Netflix documentary on Chinese adoptees. They were all haunted by the idea that their biological parents just didn't want them - it was clearly painful to them on a daily basis. The only thing that seemed to comfort them was understanding how poor their parents were and what little choice they had in giving up their children. I cannot imagine the pain of being adopted and learning that your biological mom gave you up because she "just didn't want to take care" of you. That would mess up a person for life.

Oh but she wanted the siblings. That would hurt even worse.

This isn’t a 16 year old with no money and no experience parenting. This is someone with the means and experience to have another child choosing not to keep this one child. And once you’ve had kids, you know exactly what the relationship is between a mother and child that you’re giving up.

I doubt “no one cared.” I’m sure that child will care someday. I’m sure the other kids will care when they grow and learn what their parents did to their younger sibling. And let’s be really, any friends/family who know about this have silently judged.

Who cares if they judge? That's what this is really about to you isn't it? What people will think. Not that it might be the best option for the people actually involved, plus the adoptive parents. Some of us don't live our lives based on what other people think of us.

No, the judging is the least of what we’re talking about, though yes, most people will judge you for giving up a baby bc you just don’t want it. That’s a horrifying idea to most humans. But no, you’re missing the whole point about this child and the child’s siblings being messed up for life. Adoption is not some benign thing for the adoptee. It’s really a last resort and has significant emotional consequences.

Yes, much better to abort

I think it is, actually.

+100

[Anonymous]

Most people in this thread understandably are not informed about modern adoption in the US. The reality is that most women who place children for adoption are already raising older children. The perception that it is teenagers who place children for adoption is incorrect and out of date.

This is true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, have you considered adoption? I know someone who adopted a baby from someone who didn't want a third child or an abortion.

Omg No Way… that would be devastating to OP and her family… the fact she didn’t have an abortion means she isn’t going to give her third child up for adoption . OP, you may have to adjust your ‘plan’ or the vision you had for your life as a family but it will all turn out right in the end and you won’t be able to imagine life without three
. When I found out baby no two was actually baby no two and three, I actually had to go through all the stages of grief. I did not want three kids, I always envisioned two. I was depressed for the first part of my pregnancy because I was grieving the loss of how I had envisioned our life (two kids, regular size car, nice family vacations, paying full college tuition etc etc.). But as the pregnancy progressed my mindset shifted and I decided I wasn’t going to focus on what I was losing but how much we’d be gaining. Now we are a family of five and life is normal and adjusted and I literally can not imagine not having one of our babies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We had a surprise baby when our DDs were 7 and 9 and they still feel he was the best "gift" they ever got in their lives. They have loved on him since he was born. They were offended to not have been in the room when he was born. DS is the most loved little boy to walk the earth. He's an easy, smiley kid who goes with the flow and always makes any situation more fun.

We never wanted a third kid, but we for sure love having OUR third kid.

That's so nice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, have you considered adoption? I know someone who adopted a baby from someone who didn't want a third child or an abortion.

Go away. You’re ridiculous. No adult woman with children is going to give up her third child for adoption. Get over yourself.

Not the PP of the adoption thread, but my best friend gave her third child for adoption. She's pretty well-off and could afford a third, she just didn't want to take care of it. No one cared.

What did they tell the older kids? The grandparents? Friends who saw her pregnant? I mean, people have to make their own choices, but it’s hard to believe that “no one cared.” I still think adoption is a kinder option than abortion, but what you describe sounds like a minefield to navigate.

The kids were 1 and 3 and didn't notice or know, she didn't gain that much weight. They are 9 and 11 and know now. Her parents died when she was in college and her husband's parents were in a nursing home and died a few months after the baby was born. All of her close friends knew, she was pretty open about it.

I happen to think than an abortion would have been 100% better in her case, but to each their own.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:OP, have you considered adoption? I know someone who adopted a baby from someone who didn't want a third child or an abortion.

NP but I feel like adoption would be really hard to explain to her older kids?

Just explain that they couldn't keep the baby because it was too expensive but the baby went to a loving, caring family. Maybe keep the adoption semi-open so the kids can kind of know their sibling. Or don't tell until they're older, from what I've read they seem kind of young.

OMG. I hope you are joking, but in case you're not, don't ever ever ever ever ever say this.

Well, what would you say?

NP

Something that wouldn't make her older kids feel like a burden-- the reason that their sibling couldn't stay part of the family--and just expensive generally. I think that if somebody was religious they could say "we felt like God wanted this child go to to another family." Maybe? I dunno.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your third child was an oops baby, how have things worked out?

With the third, I don't see how can continue juggle work + children. Our car is now too small. Home too small. I'm four months pregnant and just now scheduled the prenatal appointment because wanted an abortion and to deny the situation. I had an abortion at 23 (35 now) but couldn't go through with it this time.

Wondering how many adapted and are doing okay, and how many are overwhelmed chronically.

In this days and age, no such thing as an oops baby.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, have you considered adoption? I know someone who adopted a baby from someone who didn't want a third child or an abortion.

NP but I feel like adoption would be really hard to explain to her older kids?

Just explain that they couldn't keep the baby because it was too expensive but the baby went to a loving, caring family. Maybe keep the adoption semi-open so the kids can kind of know their sibling. Or don't tell until they're older, from what I've read they seem kind of young.

OMG. I hope you are joking, but in case you're not, don't ever ever ever ever ever say this.

Well, what would you say?

I'm irresponsible and overwhelmed? I didn't want her and if you don't mind me ill give you away too? There is nothing you can say here really.. maybe I can't take care of her. I think no matter what this ends tragically.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Thank you all. I appreciate the answers, whether you terminated or sharing your experience.

I don't understand that idea "no such thing as an oops baby." What's the difference between calling it an "oops" and "unplanned"?

People just have these weird ideas that because birth control exists, any pregnancy couldn't have been an accident. Or they think that we should expect that sex will always lead to pregnancy? I don't know how many people say it but it is said every time somebody mentions an "oops" baby or an accidental pregnancy. I also don't know what they hope to achieve by saying this.

Anyway, OP, I haven't been in your shoes but for the families I know, with a third, you just adjust. I have a friend whose birth control failed and was religious at the time so didn't have an abortion, and she does think that three was too many for her. Her kids seem perpetually out of control so I can see why she thinks that. But she adores all her kids and her family is great. The car and house are tighter squeezes, they have saved less money than they planned, but they are happy.

[Anonymous]

My mom told me I was an accident. I still don't know why she didn't abort me. No child should know they were unwanted since before they were born.

....and I had a good life and by all measures am successful. It's still painful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have 3; ages 5, 3, and 1. We did buy a new car with a third row. Our oldest kids share a room and our youngest has his own. No big issues juggling work with kids yet since they are still young and their activities are on the weekends. We have a nanny that comes in from 9-5. I, personally, don’t find 3 any more overwhelming than 2 while they are young, at least.

I actually agree with this! I was expecting things to feel drastically horribly harder and they don’t, so far (3rd is 2 now). You’ll be fine and you’ll figure it out! My older two were OBSESSED with the baby from the moment he arrived, it’s rather sweet

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom told me I was an accident. I still don't know why she didn't abort me. No child should know they were unwanted since before they were born.

....and I had a good life and by all measures am successful. It's still painful.

A child born as a result of an accidental (as in unexpected) pregnancy is not the same thing as an unwanted child. I have told my son he was unplanned but I also told him I was so, so excited to have him from the minute I found out.

Of course it's a bit different when you are not, in fact, so so excited to have the child. But I think people get there. And if not, hopefully they don't inadvertently let their kids know. Kids should never ever feel unwanted. Sorry for what happened to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, have you considered adoption? I know someone who adopted a baby from someone who didn't want a third child or an abortion.

NP but I feel like adoption would be really hard to explain to her older kids?

Just explain that they couldn't keep the baby because it was too expensive but the baby went to a loving, caring family. Maybe keep the adoption semi-open so the kids can kind of know their sibling. Or don't tell until they're older, from what I've read they seem kind of young.

OMG. I hope you are joking, but in case you're not, don't ever ever ever ever ever say this.

+1 WTAF