Pressure from other parents - is this a thing?

[Anonymous]

You have a 13 year old and a 2 month old?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have a 13 year old and a 2 month old?

It happens when you have your first child early. Fertility lasts a lot longer than people think.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think it's because some people don't understand why you would decline. They think it must be that if you were given the opportunity to ask questions, learn more, you'd certainly say yes. Like your no isn't really a no but is more, "convince me", pay attention to me, make (me) my child feel wanted.

However I get -- that is not what you're doing. You know your mind and you've made a decision. Just be glad these decisions are not hard for you. They must be hard for some people.

[Anonymous]

A lot of moms on the DC area are used to getting their way and don’t like taking no for an answer. So they push back on other people’s boundaries, not realizing how offensive it can be.

And many have taught their kids that thus is the way the world works. You’re entitled to what you want, and if someone says no, keep trying.

No means no, people. You’re not entitled to an explanation for why a peer won’t change her family’s vacation plans so her DC can attend your kid’s party. And you’re also not entitled to an explanation of a fellow parent’s Covid policy - especially if under the guise of “just wanting to understand,” you’re really preparing an attempt to persuade or judge.

Teach your kids to respect other people’s boundaries and accept “no” for an answer. I think that might solve some other problems our kids encounter re peer pressure and later, consent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A lot of moms on the DC area are used to getting their way and don’t like taking no for an answer. So they push back on other people’s boundaries, not realizing how offensive it can be.

And many have taught their kids that thus is the way the world works. You’re entitled to what you want, and if someone says no, keep trying.

No means no, people. You’re not entitled to an explanation for why a peer won’t change her family’s vacation plans so her DC can attend your kid’s party. And you’re also not entitled to an explanation of a fellow parent’s Covid policy - especially if under the guise of “just wanting to understand,” you’re really preparing an attempt to persuade or judge.

Teach your kids to respect other people’s boundaries and accept “no” for an answer. I think that might solve some other problems our kids encounter re peer pressure and later, consent.

If your kids are in person school and other things you are not being careful and you need a better excuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some of you are missing OPs point, it’s not that the parent reached out, it’s that the parent reached out after Op already said no.[b] This is what she finds off-putting. If my child told me her friend couldn’t go, I would never reach out to the parent looking for a yes.

I think the question is who she said no to. Miscommunication, either intentional or unintentional, happens at that age. If she told her child no, a very different message could have gotten to the other mom. As another PP suggested, OP's daughter could have been very vague in conveying that no, and the other mom was reaching out to confirm plans. This has happened to me.

Thanks for all the replies. OP here.

You’re right, it could be a communication issue here. But, knowing my DD’s friend, I have no doubt things went like this…

DD: sorry, I can’t go, I’m really bummed and wanted to
DD friend (who is generally a pushy kid): oh no, do you think if my mom wrote to her it would be ok?
DD friend mom (a day later): sends text

So while it’s entirely possible that the other mom was trying to make plans and did not hear about the “no”, I’m 99% sure she already knew ahead of
Time that the answer was no. She wasn’t pushy about it but I was still irked.

And yes, there are some moms out there who say yes to everything especially if the kids are pushy - there is a lot of this going around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A lot of moms on the DC area are used to getting their way and don’t like taking no for an answer. So they push back on other people’s boundaries, not realizing how offensive it can be.

And many have taught their kids that thus is the way the world works. You’re entitled to what you want, and if someone says no, keep trying.

No means no, people. You’re not entitled to an explanation for why a peer won’t change her family’s vacation plans so her DC can attend your kid’s party. And you’re also not entitled to an explanation of a fellow parent’s Covid policy - especially if under the guise of “just wanting to understand,” you’re really preparing an attempt to persuade or judge.

Teach your kids to respect other people’s boundaries and accept “no” for an answer. I think that might solve some other problems our kids encounter re peer pressure and later, consent.

This!!! I actually had a mom ask me to adjust our beach vacation plans just so my DD could go to her birthday party (granted, it was a small group but still). I replied with a friendly email back and suggested to her DD would love to
Make it out to her Yada yada and I was ghosted by the other mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your kid is telling her friends you won't allow her due to covid concerns. It doesn't matter what you tell other parents. The ability to frame the story is now gone when you have teens and social media and more.

There's no need for pushy notes, for sure. I think since most people in this area are vaccinated at that age, people are resuming most social activities, indoor and out. So perhaps you are more cautious than most of your kid's friend set. And that's why a parent (who I assume you know) is reaching out. I would have phrased it about what you'd like to see to make you more comfortable with allowing your daughter to go.

The kids are having a lot of social skill issues right now. They've missed a year of socializing in appropriate ways. Personally, I would balance the value of allowing your child to socialize with the risk of COVID.

OP here, I acknowledge that and I’ve tried to balance safety concerns (I have 2 unvaxxed kids at home including a kid with immune issues and a 2 month old) with giving my DD room to do things with her friends. I’ve tried to indulge as much as possible but sometimes “no” is the only option. It’s hard enough dealing with pressure to do this for DD and DD pleading to do things - last thing I need is another parent on my case. It’s just a vent.

Well this is just the beginning! Your daughter is entering her teen years where kids spend lots of time together. I do think it’s unfair to keep her home to protect younger kids?

NP. Well that’s YOUR call. If you want your unvaxxed kids to get covid because you think your teen jut HAS to socialize indoors or doing whatever they want rather than keeping things outside, that’s your call. But maybe op wants to be more cautious. It is fine for her to prioritize her younger kids health.

I’m sorry, but I think it’s quite cruel to not allow your child to socialize with other kids. Having an “outdoor only” rule effectively shuts out spending time with friends. OP may think they’re helping the little ones, but what they’re doing is hurting the 13 year old. Btw, vaccines work.

OP here, sorry, that’s silly. My 13 YO goes to plenty of
Activities - every week it seems. This specific time, though, it happened to be a no. She generally has a hard time with a no, fine, I get it. Seems like other moms have a hard time with it, too!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some of you are missing OPs point, it’s not that the parent reached out, it’s that the parent reached out after Op already said no.[b] This is what she finds off-putting. If my child told me her friend couldn’t go, I would never reach out to the parent looking for a yes.

I think the question is who she said no to. Miscommunication, either intentional or unintentional, happens at that age. If she told her child no, a very different message could have gotten to the other mom. As another PP suggested, OP's daughter could have been very vague in conveying that no, and the other mom was reaching out to confirm plans. This has happened to me.

Thanks for all the replies. OP here.

You’re right, it could be a communication issue here. But, knowing my DD’s friend, I have no doubt things went like this…

DD: sorry, I can’t go, I’m really bummed and wanted to
DD friend (who is generally a pushy kid): oh no, do you think if my mom wrote to her it would be ok?
DD friend mom (a day later): sends text

So while it’s entirely possible that the other mom was trying to make plans and did not hear about the “no”, I’m 99% sure she already knew ahead of
Time that the answer was no. She wasn’t pushy about it but I was still irked.

And yes, there are some moms out there who say yes to everything especially if the kids are pushy - there is a lot of this going around.[/quote

OP, do you forbid all indoor activities? If so, has your DD conveyed that to her friends in definite terms so that they won't invite her to those any longer? It's not the greatest feeling in the world to regularly invite someone to do something and then get a "no." What if she set the boundaries ahead of time? Also, does your DD have friends over to engage in outdoor activities? If so, having her continue to invite friends for activities that you allow will reinforce that she wishes to maintain the friendships even though she can't participate in some activities.

You have defined what you think is acceptable risk for your family and are sticking to it. For friends who have a different definition, they might want to expand their social circle to include friends who can participate in some of the activities they deem important but which are outside of your comfort zone. I hope your DD can continue to maintain her relationships with understanding from her friends about what your boundaries are.

[Anonymous]

All the stuff challenging OP on her views on COViD risk is a red herring. A person with appropriate boundaries doesn’t call and ask if DD can attend during family vacation after already hearing no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your kid is telling her friends you won't allow her due to covid concerns. It doesn't matter what you tell other parents. The ability to frame the story is now gone when you have teens and social media and more.

There's no need for pushy notes, for sure. I think since most people in this area are vaccinated at that age, people are resuming most social activities, indoor and out. So perhaps you are more cautious than most of your kid's friend set. And that's why a parent (who I assume you know) is reaching out. I would have phrased it about what you'd like to see to make you more comfortable with allowing your daughter to go.

The kids are having a lot of social skill issues right now. They've missed a year of socializing in appropriate ways. Personally, I would balance the value of allowing your child to socialize with the risk of COVID.

OP here, I acknowledge that and I’ve tried to balance safety concerns (I have 2 unvaxxed kids at home including a kid with immune issues and a 2 month old) with giving my DD room to do things with her friends. I’ve tried to indulge as much as possible but sometimes “no” is the only option. It’s hard enough dealing with pressure to do this for DD and DD pleading to do things - last thing I need is another parent on my case. It’s just a vent.

Well this is just the beginning! Your daughter is entering her teen years where kids spend lots of time together. I do think it’s unfair to keep her home to protect younger kids?

Wow you are an idiot

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your kid is telling her friends you won't allow her due to covid concerns. It doesn't matter what you tell other parents. The ability to frame the story is now gone when you have teens and social media and more.

There's no need for pushy notes, for sure. I think since most people in this area are vaccinated at that age, people are resuming most social activities, indoor and out. So perhaps you are more cautious than most of your kid's friend set. And that's why a parent (who I assume you know) is reaching out. I would have phrased it about what you'd like to see to make you more comfortable with allowing your daughter to go.

The kids are having a lot of social skill issues right now. They've missed a year of socializing in appropriate ways. Personally, I would balance the value of allowing your child to socialize with the risk of COVID.

OP here, I acknowledge that and I’ve tried to balance safety concerns (I have 2 unvaxxed kids at home including a kid with immune issues and a 2 month old) with giving my DD room to do things with her friends. I’ve tried to indulge as much as possible but sometimes “no” is the only option. It’s hard enough dealing with pressure to do this for DD and DD pleading to do things - last thing I need is another parent on my case. It’s just a vent.

Well this is just the beginning! Your daughter is entering her teen years where kids spend lots of time together. I do think it’s unfair to keep her home to protect younger kids?

Wow you are an idiot

Seriously. That PP is probably one of the moms that OP is warning us about. We all know who they are, don’t we?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your kid is telling her friends you won't allow her due to covid concerns. It doesn't matter what you tell other parents. The ability to frame the story is now gone when you have teens and social media and more.

There's no need for pushy notes, for sure. I think since most people in this area are vaccinated at that age, people are resuming most social activities, indoor and out. So perhaps you are more cautious than most of your kid's friend set. And that's why a parent (who I assume you know) is reaching out. I would have phrased it about what you'd like to see to make you more comfortable with allowing your daughter to go.

The kids are having a lot of social skill issues right now. They've missed a year of socializing in appropriate ways. Personally, I would balance the value of allowing your child to socialize with the risk of COVID.

OP here, I acknowledge that and I’ve tried to balance safety concerns (I have 2 unvaxxed kids at home including a kid with immune issues and a 2 month old) with giving my DD room to do things with her friends. I’ve tried to indulge as much as possible but sometimes “no” is the only option. It’s hard enough dealing with pressure to do this for DD and DD pleading to do things - last thing I need is another parent on my case. It’s just a vent.

Well this is just the beginning! Your daughter is entering her teen years where kids spend lots of time together. I do think it’s unfair to keep her home to protect younger kids?

Wow you are an idiot

Seriously. That PP is probably one of the moms that OP is warning us about. We all know who they are, don’t we?

Agree. I restricted my 16 y/o to protect his younger sibling. He was allowed to see friends outdoors and missed out on fun stuff. Not only did he understand, but sometimes his friends and their families would change plans so he could participate (e.g., a sleepover turned into a bonfire/camp out). He's a decent kids who understands that, in the big scheme of things, curtailing his social life is a small sacrifice. What a terrible message it would be to tell a child that her social life is more important than protecting her siblings. Gross.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some of you are missing OPs point, it’s not that the parent reached out, it’s that the parent reached out after Op already said no.[b] This is what she finds off-putting. If my child told me her friend couldn’t go, I would never reach out to the parent looking for a yes.

I think the question is who she said no to. Miscommunication, either intentional or unintentional, happens at that age. If she told her child no, a very different message could have gotten to the other mom. As another PP suggested, OP's daughter could have been very vague in conveying that no, and the other mom was reaching out to confirm plans. This has happened to me.

NP. I bet this is what it is too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of moms on the DC area are used to getting their way and don’t like taking no for an answer. So they push back on other people’s boundaries, not realizing how offensive it can be.

And many have taught their kids that thus is the way the world works. You’re entitled to what you want, and if someone says no, keep trying.

No means no, people. You’re not entitled to an explanation for why a peer won’t change her family’s vacation plans so her DC can attend your kid’s party. And you’re also not entitled to an explanation of a fellow parent’s Covid policy - especially if under the guise of “just wanting to understand,” you’re really preparing an attempt to persuade or judge.

Teach your kids to respect other people’s boundaries and accept “no” for an answer. I think that might solve some other problems our kids encounter re peer pressure and later, consent.

If your kids are in person school and other things you are not being careful and you need a better excuse.

No the poster doesn't. Some of us are willing to risk in person school for the education and socialization, but we are not willing to add to risk beyond that. We don't need to explain. No, means no. I agree with the poster wholeheartedly. The sense of entitlement and lack of boundaries is insane. Teach your kids to respect the word "no." It's a lesson they are supposed to learn as toddlers.