Pressure from other parents - is this a thing?

[Anonymous]

More specifically, I’m referring to fellow moms.

Backstory - I have a 13 YO DD and over the years with her group of friends, it’s been copacetic with the moms in arranging play dates, hanging out, etc.

Recently, though, I’ve had to say no to a couple things - one because we were going to ocean city on the weekend and the other bc of comfort level with covid (it was an indoor event). With the first one, DD was bummed of course and her friend’s mom sent me a somewhat pushy note pleading for my DD to go. I politely said sorry we are going out of town, I hope you have a good time, etc etc. no response back so I left it at that.

A couple weeks ago my DD was invited to something I did not feel comfortable with and so I told her no. Sure enough, DD’s friend’s mom reached out to me to ask me if it’s ok if my DD went. At first I felt bad but then I just started feeling irked that she would not be respectful of a parenting decision and insert herself into the equation. I mean, who’s the parent - you or your kid?

I’ve seen this in a more mild form on more than two occasions and im wondering - is this a thing? Am I over reacting to this?

What gives?

[Anonymous]

Are you being overly protective? At that age I’ve taken my dd and her friends for a beach weekend before (we have a beach house) and everyone has a good time. What were your concerns?

[Anonymous]

Your kid is telling her friends you won't allow her due to covid concerns. It doesn't matter what you tell other parents. The ability to frame the story is now gone when you have teens and social media and more.

There's no need for pushy notes, for sure. I think since most people in this area are vaccinated at that age, people are resuming most social activities, indoor and out. So perhaps you are more cautious than most of your kid's friend set. And that's why a parent (who I assume you know) is reaching out. I would have phrased it about what you'd like to see to make you more comfortable with allowing your daughter to go.

The kids are having a lot of social skill issues right now. They've missed a year of socializing in appropriate ways. Personally, I would balance the value of allowing your child to socialize with the risk of COVID.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you being overly protective? At that age I’ve taken my dd and her friends for a beach weekend before (we have a beach house) and everyone has a good time. What were your concerns?

The OP was going to the beach, it wasn’t a beach trip the OP said no to

[Anonymous]

I don’t know why you see this as pressure. It’s not out of the ordinary for parents to reach out to other parents.

[Anonymous]

That doesn't seem like pressure and I suspect you are reading a lot into this. It is normal at this age to verify with parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know why you see this as pressure. It’s not out of the ordinary for parents to reach out to other parents.

Not OP but maybe where she’s coming from is the other parents reached out despite OP already saying no.

I think that’s the point - I think.

In which case, I would agree. I wouldn’t be super annoyed by it but I would probably be a little annoyed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your kid is telling her friends you won't allow her due to covid concerns. It doesn't matter what you tell other parents. The ability to frame the story is now gone when you have teens and social media and more.

There's no need for pushy notes, for sure. I think since most people in this area are vaccinated at that age, people are resuming most social activities, indoor and out. So perhaps you are more cautious than most of your kid's friend set. And that's why a parent (who I assume you know) is reaching out. I would have phrased it about what you'd like to see to make you more comfortable with allowing your daughter to go.

The kids are having a lot of social skill issues right now. They've missed a year of socializing in appropriate ways. Personally, I would balance the value of allowing your child to socialize with the risk of COVID.

OP here, I acknowledge that and I’ve tried to balance safety concerns (I have 2 unvaxxed kids at home including a kid with immune issues and a 2 month old) with giving my DD room to do things with her friends. I’ve tried to indulge as much as possible but sometimes “no” is the only option. It’s hard enough dealing with pressure to do this for DD and DD pleading to do things - last thing I need is another parent on my case. It’s just a vent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know why you see this as pressure. It’s not out of the ordinary for parents to reach out to other parents.

Not OP but maybe where she’s coming from is the other parents reached out despite OP already saying no.

I think that’s the point - I think.

In which case, I would agree. I wouldn’t be super annoyed by it but I would probably be a little annoyed.

Literally just had this happen. It didn’t really bother me. I know this kid and mom. I’m sure the kid asked the mom to convince me. She didn’t try that but just asked if DD could join. I said no and explained why. End of story. I don’t really feel any pressure from my kid so maybe that’s the difference. If my kid were also lobbying me and encouraging others to help, I would be annoyed (but more with my child).

[Anonymous]

OP I get it and we've dealt with it too. They are the same parents I found pushy before Covid. In both cases they have impulsive kids and I just don't want to deal. our kids (tween and teen) are socializing outside and it works out well and we don't have to supervise, just check on them now and then. The teens with the pushy moms are kids who need to be supervised. I am not sitting outside on the stoop to watch a teenager. I am not going to go into detail of why they need to be supervised, except to say they are major risk takers and I don't want to be sued by their parents or my neighbors.

[Anonymous]

No, it would not annoy me. Some people think it’s fine to push a little until they get a firm no. They don’t think it’s rude, and would not be offended if you did the same to them.

Move on, OP. I’m sure your life is busy enough without obsessing about this!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your kid is telling her friends you won't allow her due to covid concerns. It doesn't matter what you tell other parents. The ability to frame the story is now gone when you have teens and social media and more.

There's no need for pushy notes, for sure. I think since most people in this area are vaccinated at that age, people are resuming most social activities, indoor and out. So perhaps you are more cautious than most of your kid's friend set. And that's why a parent (who I assume you know) is reaching out. I would have phrased it about what you'd like to see to make you more comfortable with allowing your daughter to go.

The kids are having a lot of social skill issues right now. They've missed a year of socializing in appropriate ways. Personally, I would balance the value of allowing your child to socialize with the risk of COVID.

OP here, I acknowledge that and I’ve tried to balance safety concerns (I have 2 unvaxxed kids at home including a kid with immune issues and a 2 month old) with giving my DD room to do things with her friends. I’ve tried to indulge as much as possible but sometimes “no” is the only option. It’s hard enough dealing with pressure to do this for DD and DD pleading to do things - last thing I need is another parent on my case. It’s just a vent.

Well this is just the beginning! Your daughter is entering her teen years where kids spend lots of time together. I do think it’s unfair to keep her home to protect younger kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your kid is telling her friends you won't allow her due to covid concerns. It doesn't matter what you tell other parents. The ability to frame the story is now gone when you have teens and social media and more.

There's no need for pushy notes, for sure. I think since most people in this area are vaccinated at that age, people are resuming most social activities, indoor and out. So perhaps you are more cautious than most of your kid's friend set. And that's why a parent (who I assume you know) is reaching out. I would have phrased it about what you'd like to see to make you more comfortable with allowing your daughter to go.

The kids are having a lot of social skill issues right now. They've missed a year of socializing in appropriate ways. Personally, I would balance the value of allowing your child to socialize with the risk of COVID.

OP here, I acknowledge that and I’ve tried to balance safety concerns (I have 2 unvaxxed kids at home including a kid with immune issues and a 2 month old) with giving my DD room to do things with her friends. I’ve tried to indulge as much as possible but sometimes “no” is the only option. It’s hard enough dealing with pressure to do this for DD and DD pleading to do things - last thing I need is another parent on my case. It’s just a vent.

I agree, op. I think it’s rude to pressure people to do things they aren’t comfortable with, covid wise. You certainly have many reasons to keep taking precautions.

I disagree that most parents in the area are letting their kids do whatever. We are still doing outdoor socializing only for now.

[Anonymous]

OP—a couple of questions:
Is this the same mom that is doing this?
Could it be that your dd is asking them to call you to advocate? Not saying this is okay, but I’m wondering if there is more to it. (To be clear, if one of my 15 year old’s friends asked me to call their parent, I’d say no.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your kid is telling her friends you won't allow her due to covid concerns. It doesn't matter what you tell other parents. The ability to frame the story is now gone when you have teens and social media and more.

There's no need for pushy notes, for sure. I think since most people in this area are vaccinated at that age, people are resuming most social activities, indoor and out. So perhaps you are more cautious than most of your kid's friend set. And that's why a parent (who I assume you know) is reaching out. I would have phrased it about what you'd like to see to make you more comfortable with allowing your daughter to go.

The kids are having a lot of social skill issues right now. They've missed a year of socializing in appropriate ways. Personally, I would balance the value of allowing your child to socialize with the risk of COVID.

OP here, I acknowledge that and I’ve tried to balance safety concerns (I have 2 unvaxxed kids at home including a kid with immune issues and a 2 month old) with giving my DD room to do things with her friends. I’ve tried to indulge as much as possible but sometimes “no” is the only option. It’s hard enough dealing with pressure to do this for DD and DD pleading to do things - last thing I need is another parent on my case. It’s just a vent.

Well this is just the beginning! Your daughter is entering her teen years where kids spend lots of time together. I do think it’s unfair to keep her home to protect younger kids?

NP. Well that’s YOUR call. If you want your unvaxxed kids to get covid because you think your teen jut HAS to socialize indoors or doing whatever they want rather than keeping things outside, that’s your call. But maybe op wants to be more cautious. It is fine for her to prioritize her younger kids health.