Pressure from other parents - is this a thing?

[Anonymous]

Yes op I’ve had this happen and it was the same parent. After awhile I realized it was my DC and their friend working together so I addressed it with DC. I realized there are parents who can’t tell their children no, I’m not one of them.

[Anonymous]

Hmmm I also wonder if there’s something in the teen communication pathway that’s getting the message list? Eg:

Friend: Can you do X?
DD: Ugh, my mom says no but I’m hoping I can still convince her…

Friend’s mom: Is DD coming to X?
Friend: Maybe… she’s talking to her mom about it…

So friend’s mom texts you because she didn’t get a straight answer from the kids? Or had you already told the adult in question no?

[Anonymous]

I got one text that was something like "Would Larla like to hang out with Suzy on Saturday at our home? Covid numbers are down for the area, I know you all are vaccinated and so are we and.....yada yada." I felt like saying "Yes, Karen, we read the news. I will not be sharing our family health issues with you, but no our kids are not socializing inside." Luckily our kids have people to spend time with outside where I don't need a bunch of texts back and forth because we are on the same page and just want our kids hanging out outside. Honestly, unless someone is beating her kids it is not the place of another parent to do this. You do you and I'll parent my kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I got one text that was something like "Would Larla like to hang out with Suzy on Saturday at our home? Covid numbers are down for the area, I know you all are vaccinated and so are we and.....yada yada." I felt like saying "Yes, Karen, we read the news. I will not be sharing our family health issues with you, but no our kids are not socializing inside." Luckily our kids have people to spend time with outside where I don't need a bunch of texts back and forth because we are on the same page and just want our kids hanging out outside. Honestly, unless someone is beating her kids it is not the place of another parent to do this. You do you and I'll parent my kid.

Forgot to mention, we had already said many times we stick to outdoor stuff.

I don't need your thesis statement for why our kids should hang out inside. It's too much. The text had a whole lot of reasons why we should consider it safe. I should also mention this person isn't even that good a friend of my daughters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes op I’ve had this happen and it was the same parent. After awhile I realized it was my DC and their friend working together so I addressed it with DC. I realized there are parents who can’t tell their children no,I’m not one of them.

Yes, this is it exactly. My daughter has a friend whose mom will push back and even guilt-trip when I say no to a sleepover or something - “Oh no, Larla will be so disappointed!” I’ve learned to let it go and be grateful that I have the backbone to tell my kid no and deal with whatever emotions that may provoke. She lives in fear of disappointing her daughter because the daughter makes her life hell. Not my problem.

[Anonymous]

Any possibility your DD told her friend “my mom needs your mom to text her to ask if I can go. Have your mom text mine.” Your DD probably thinks you are more likely to say yes if another parent asks you.

Why yes, I do have a teenager who has pulled this trick!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know why you see this as pressure. It’s not out of the ordinary for parents to reach out to other parents.

At 13??? Not in my social group! Kids make plans on their own. If there is an extraordinary event like an out of town vacation a parent might call for extra details but that's it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know why you see this as pressure. It’s not out of the ordinary for parents to reach out to other parents.

At 13??? Not in my social group! Kids make plans on their own. If there is an extraordinary event like an out of town vacation a parent might call for extra details but that's it.

NP and yes, we tend to reach out and verify more these days as they get independent. They make plans but now the plans involve being out later and night and often rides. Yesterday I got a text from a parent verifying I was actually going to drive because her kid told her I was. That type of thing is common. Or a quick group chat between all parents confirming details so we are on the same page and the kids actually have rides there and home. These parents may have been reaching out so OP knew the kids had their permission. Sometimes parents say no because they think the kids planned it and parents are not aware. This doesn’t sound like a pressure situation. More like reaching out to say it was okay with them. It’s also okay that OP said no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know why you see this as pressure. It’s not out of the ordinary for parents to reach out to other parents.

At 13??? Not in my social group! Kids make plans on their own. If there is an extraordinary event like an out of town vacation a parent might call for extra details but that's it.

Mine too but depending on what the plans are, I may reach out to other parents. Surprising you don’t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know why you see this as pressure. It’s not out of the ordinary for parents to reach out to other parents.

At 13??? Not in my social group! Kids make plans on their own. If there is an extraordinary event like an out of town vacation a parent might call for extra details but that's it.

Please understand that various parents do things differently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know why you see this as pressure. It’s not out of the ordinary for parents to reach out to other parents.

At 13??? Not in my social group! Kids make plans on their own. If there is an extraordinary event like an out of town vacation a parent might call for extra details but that's it.

Please understand that various parents do things differently.

True but at 13 your group is an outlier if you’re in combed in the the kids’ plans

[Anonymous]

Some of you are missing OPs point, it’s not that the parent reached out, it’s that the parent reached out after Op already said no. This is what she finds off-putting. If my child told me her friend couldn’t go, I would never reach out to the parent looking for a yes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some of you are missing OPs point, it’s not that the parent reached out, it’s that the parent reached out after Op already said no.[b] This is what she finds off-putting. If my child told me her friend couldn’t go, I would never reach out to the parent looking for a yes.

I think the question is who she said no to. Miscommunication, either intentional or unintentional, happens at that age. If she told her child no, a very different message could have gotten to the other mom. As another PP suggested, OP's daughter could have been very vague in conveying that no, and the other mom was reaching out to confirm plans. This has happened to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your kid is telling her friends you won't allow her due to covid concerns. It doesn't matter what you tell other parents. The ability to frame the story is now gone when you have teens and social media and more.

There's no need for pushy notes, for sure. I think since most people in this area are vaccinated at that age, people are resuming most social activities, indoor and out. So perhaps you are more cautious than most of your kid's friend set. And that's why a parent (who I assume you know) is reaching out. I would have phrased it about what you'd like to see to make you more comfortable with allowing your daughter to go.

The kids are having a lot of social skill issues right now. They've missed a year of socializing in appropriate ways. Personally, I would balance the value of allowing your child to socialize with the risk of COVID.

OP here, I acknowledge that and I’ve tried to balance safety concerns (I have 2 unvaxxed kids at home including a kid with immune issues and a 2 month old) with giving my DD room to do things with her friends. I’ve tried to indulge as much as possible but sometimes “no” is the only option. It’s hard enough dealing with pressure to do this for DD and DD pleading to do things - last thing I need is another parent on my case. It’s just a vent.

Well this is just the beginning! Your daughter is entering her teen years where kids spend lots of time together. I do think it’s unfair to keep her home to protect younger kids?

NP. Well that’s YOUR call. If you want your unvaxxed kids to get covid because you think your teen jut HAS to socialize indoors or doing whatever they want rather than keeping things outside, that’s your call. But maybe op wants to be more cautious. It is fine for her to prioritize her younger kids health.

I’m sorry, but I think it’s quite cruel to not allow your child to socialize with other kids. Having an “outdoor only” rule effectively shuts out spending time with friends. OP may think they’re helping the little ones, but what they’re doing is hurting the 13 year old. Btw, vaccines work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some of you are missing OPs point, it’s not that the parent reached out, it’s that the parent reached out after Op already said no. This is what she finds off-putting. If my child told me her friend couldn’t go, I would never reach out to the parent looking for a yes.

Maybe there were extenuating circumstances we don’t know about..:maybe it was a special day or special plans, and the other mom thought it was worth it to double check. Truly not a big deal. Parents are so crazy to act like this is an inappropriate thing. Very over sensitive, IMO.