Boyfriend Wants To Get Back Together

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is going to happen in 2-3 years that you know you will be ready for kids? Your timeline seems so arbitrary.

OP gave a detailed and very reasonable explanation for her timeline. There is nothing arbitrary about it.

+1. Her timeline makes complete sense

Until she's back her in 3 + years complaining about how much she wants kids but can't find a guy to marry.

She could get married next year and start trying for kids and still be working. Even if she got pregnant right away she would have been in her new job at least a year and more likely 2 before the kid is born.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is going to happen in 2-3 years that you know you will be ready for kids? Your timeline seems so arbitrary.

OP gave a detailed and very reasonable explanation for her timeline. There is nothing arbitrary about it.

+1. Her timeline makes complete sense

Until she's back her in 3 + years complaining about how much she wants kids but can't find a guy to marry.

She could get married next year and start trying for kids and still be working. Even if she got pregnant right away she would have been in her new job at least a year and more likely 2 before the kid is born.

She could also have a kid right away and then be unhappy because she wasn’t ready. Her plan makes sense and her starting at 32/33 is not old. She could get married next year and still have a baby in that year. That will derail what she wants to do. She already said she would rather focus on her career first.

[Anonymous]

I was in the same situation with my husband. I was 32 and he was 39. I was not ready for kids and wanted to focus on my career after just earning my masters in nursing. We met when I was 31, dated for a year, and then got married when I was 32. He wanted to start right away and I wanted to wait longer. I compromised and we waited a year and then started trying. I had two kids at 35 and 37.

I woulda suggest maybe compromising a little? Instead of waiting until 35, maybe tell him you’re willing to start trying at 32? Two years should give you plenty of time to focus on your career. Don’t let him get away if you believe he is right for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is going to happen in 2-3 years that you know you will be ready for kids? Your timeline seems so arbitrary.

OP gave a detailed and very reasonable explanation for her timeline. There is nothing arbitrary about it.

+1. Her timeline makes complete sense

Until she's back her in 3 + years complaining about how much she wants kids but can't find a guy to marry.

She could get married next year and start trying for kids and still be working. Even if she got pregnant right away she would have been in her new job at least a year and more likely 2 before the kid is born.

She could also have a kid right away and then be unhappy because she wasn’t ready. Her plan makes sense and her starting at 32/33 is not old. She could get married next year and still have a baby in that year. That will derail what she wants to do. She already said she would rather focus on her career first.

It's also completely arbitrary I remember this OP from her last thread, and she simply wants things her way for the sake of them being her way and has nothing to do with her being ready.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has he articulated what he’s willing to change to address the reasons you broke in the first place? Have you?

OP here. He’s a little older than me and is ready for marriage and kids. I want to get married but want to wait a couple more years to have kids. This is thy r main issue, but there is also city vs suburbs and which state we would raise our kids in.

OP here. He has decided he is willing to wait until I’m ready to have kids. We also realize which state to raise kids in or suburbs vs city is something we can compromise on. I just couldn’t compromise on having kids before I’m ready.

How old are you guys and why do you want to wait? Do you really want kids?

OP here. I’m 30 and he is 37. We have been dating for a year. I love him and I’m very much still in love with him. We had a wonderful relationship but I initiated the talk about breaking up because I felt it was wrong to keep him waiting. He’s ready for kids and I’m not. I didn’t want that to a problem and source of resentment down the road.

I do really want kids. I just turned 30 and I want to wait 3-5 years. The earliest I would consider trying is two years. I just got an advanced degree that I want to put to use and build up my career before kids come into play. I worked really hard and don’t want to get pregnant next year and then be on maternity leave and then have to start building my new career with a baby. My hope is to build my career to the point I have a lot more flexibility and time when I do have kids to work less or have a good schedule.

He wants to get married next year and then immediately start trying for kids. We both want two kids. Im not ready for kids that soon.

He’s from VA and I’m from the Midwest. I would like to move back to the Midwest and he wants to raise a family in VA.

We can compromise on that, but the timeline of having kids is a huge issue for me. I worry that I may never find someone I see a future with if we end things for good. I also fear that I will have this pressure to be ready before I want kids if we do get back together.

He'll be nearly 40 or in his 40s. can you not see how maybe he doesn't want to be an older dad especially if you want more than one child? You two are just not meant to be, no getting back together.

[Anonymous]

He’ll be too old for kids and Midwest vs VA is actually another issue because those are quite different.

By the way, you sound very immature and you don’t know what “career” is lol you need exactly two years to do what exactly? Get some magical promotion by then? By the way way, plenty of women have jobs and kids and continue to advance their careers. If you have a job you like to stick around at then you’re ready for kids or do you imagine you won’t work as hard or be a sahm? I had kids at 31 and am now pregnant again and I’m in a higher up better paying position now, women don’t stop being “good at their jobs” because they have kids.

I wish I knew your ex to tell him to drop you and move on to someone that is ready and has the same goals as he does. You’re just wrong for each other and you sound very immature.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He’ll be too old for kids and Midwest vs VA is actually another issue because those are quite different.

By the way, you sound very immature and you don’t know what “career” is lol you need exactly two years to do what exactly? Get some magical promotion by then? By the way way, plenty of women have jobs and kids and continue to advance their careers. If you have a job you like to stick around at then you’re ready for kids or do you imagine you won’t work as hard or be a sahm? I had kids at 31 and am now pregnant again and I’m in a higher up better paying position now, women don’t stop being “good at their jobs” because they have kids.

I wish I knew your ex to tell him to drop you and move on to someone that is ready and has the same goals as he does. You’re just wrong for each other and you sound very immature.

Don't shame the OP. Some jobs are harder to sustain with children and there's a pressure to choose between them. I seriously doubt you're a senior partner in a law firm. Perhaps that's what the OP is aiming for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has he articulated what he’s willing to change to address the reasons you broke in the first place? Have you?

OP here. He’s a little older than me and is ready for marriage and kids. I want to get married but want to wait a couple more years to have kids. This is thy r main issue, but there is also city vs suburbs and which state we would raise our kids in.

This is stupid. Nothing happens in life according to someone’s plan….live life as it happens and make those big decisions together when the situation demands and work as a team whomever you are with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has he articulated what he’s willing to change to address the reasons you broke in the first place? Have you?

OP here. He’s a little older than me and is ready for marriage and kids. I want to get married but want to wait a couple more years to have kids. This is thy r main issue, but there is also city vs suburbs and which state we would raise our kids in.

This is stupid. Nothing happens in life according to someone’s plan….live life as it happens and make those big decisions together when the situation demands and work as a team whomever you are with.

Exactly. That is why on the page one of this I told OP to stop wasting everyone's time. Exactly.

[Anonymous]

OP, to protect yourself, you do need to wait sometime (at least a year?) after marriage to have kids. Abusers change as commitment deepens and they sink their hooks in. They only way to test this is to give the relationship space to breathe and settle after another major life step.

I do agree that location is something that can be worked out. You might want to go back to the Midwest, but I got stuck in the DC area because of relationships and now kids. Many people move around the world with kids. Life never turns out as expected. But have kids with the wrong guy and it will ruin your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He’ll be too old for kids and Midwest vs VA is actually another issue because those are quite different.

By the way, you sound very immature and you don’t know what “career” is lol you need exactly two years to do what exactly? Get some magical promotion by then? By the way way, plenty of women have jobs and kids and continue to advance their careers. If you have a job you like to stick around at then you’re ready for kids or do you imagine you won’t work as hard or be a sahm? I had kids at 31 and am now pregnant again and I’m in a higher up better paying position now, women don’t stop being “good at their jobs” because they have kids.

I wish I knew your ex to tell him to drop you and move on to someone that is ready and has the same goals as he does. You’re just wrong for each other and you sound very immature.

Don't shame the OP. Some jobs are harder to sustain with children and there's a pressure to choose between them. I seriously doubt you're a senior partner in a law firm. Perhaps that's what the OP is aiming for.

I’m not a senior partner but tell me how you can be a senior partner in two years when she’s starting her career after her advanced degree would love to know how that works! You’re making excuses for her just like she is.

[Anonymous]

What kind of income do you have? Does he have? This makes a difference for a working mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has he articulated what he’s willing to change to address the reasons you broke in the first place? Have you?

OP here. He’s a little older than me and is ready for marriage and kids. I want to get married but want to wait a couple more years to have kids. This is thy r main issue, but there is also city vs suburbs and which state we would raise our kids in.

OP here. He has decided he is willing to wait until I’m ready to have kids. We also realize which state to raise kids in or suburbs vs city is something we can compromise on. I just couldn’t compromise on having kids before I’m ready.

Yeah, you haven't actually resolved anything, so it's going to be a no from me for getting back together. These are major things and neither of you is willing to truly compromise. You may love each other, though I am skeptical that you both sound and are acting like people who just want to have somebody vs loving the other. You should find other people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He’ll be too old for kids and Midwest vs VA is actually another issue because those are quite different.

By the way, you sound very immature and you don’t know what “career” is lol you need exactly two years to do what exactly? Get some magical promotion by then? By the way way, plenty of women have jobs and kids and continue to advance their careers. If you have a job you like to stick around at then you’re ready for kids or do you imagine you won’t work as hard or be a sahm? I had kids at 31 and am now pregnant again and I’m in a higher up better paying position now, women don’t stop being “good at their jobs” because they have kids.

I wish I knew your ex to tell him to drop you and move on to someone that is ready and has the same goals as he does. You’re just wrong for each other and you sound very immature.

Good for you. Do you need a participation trophy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What kind of income do you have? Does he have? This makes a difference for a working mom.

OP here. I currently make $80k but will be making close to $150k with this new job. I’m 30 and just don’t want a baby right now. I’m entitled to feel that way and have kids on my own timeline. Nothing is perfect and things don’t always work out like you want, but I’m also not willing to have kids where I will be the main parent when I’m not ready. He brings in a lot of money but works a very demanding job. I will end up being the sole parent and my career will be the one affected the most if we have kids. He wants two kids back to back, so that means two kids in 2-3 years for me if it works out. I’m not ready to become a mom at 31 and have to put my career on hold. I would rather work up a career for 3-5 years and then have the ability to scale hours back or work PT when I have kids.

This is the reason I broke up with him. No one is at fault and neither of us are wrong for wanting what we want. We just have a different timeline. I’ve decided not to get back together with him.