Boyfriend Wants To Get Back Together

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend and I broke up last month. We were together for a year and while we loved each other, we couldn’t make it work. We realized that we wanted different things for the future. We came to a mutual agreement that it was best to move on and find partners with the same future goals. It was hard for both of us because we were very much in love. He has been calling me all this week to meet him. I met him for dinner last night and he wants to get back together. He’s in love with me and doesn’t want to be without me. It’s been tough for him and he can’t see himself moving on. I love him but I worry that the same issues will become a problem again. Any advice?

[Anonymous]

Has he articulated what he’s willing to change to address the reasons you broke in the first place? Have you?

[Anonymous]

What were the issues?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What were the issues?

Yeah, this. No one can give you any reasonable perspective without these details.

So for example, he wants no kids and you want at least 5 - I'd say, hum, yes, that is a dealbreaker.

Or

You want to live in Fiji and he wants to live in London - again, possibly a deal breaker.

But until we know, we just can't meaningfully comment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What were the issues?

Exactly... we need context if we're going to hello you OP.

If he'd rather live in Dupont Circle rather than Georgetown, you can find a compromise and make it work, if you want kids and he doesn't, that's a deal breaker.

So, we kinda need to know.

[Anonymous]

* help

[Anonymous]

Don't get back together unless one of these "future goals" has changed. You can love people who are not the right fit for you life.

Compatibility is an important aspect of making a relationship work. It can feel romantic to partner up "despite" future goals being different and making pronouncements that you'll "make it work somehow". But really it leads to unhappiness and resentment.

[Anonymous]

Don't do it. It's hard, but right now you are missing each other and not thinking clearly. If you want different things, it's best to find like-minded partners. Staying together long-term is hard enough; it's so much easier when at least you are on the same page. You are asking here because you know the best thing to do, but it hurts. That's ok. Better to hurt now than for a lifetime, especially if kids become involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What were the issues?

Lack of details on this = OP knows they can’t be reconciled but doesn’t want to hear that because she wants to get back together with him and ignore the problems until they have to break up again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Has he articulated what he’s willing to change to address the reasons you broke in the first place? Have you?

OP here. He’s a little older than me and is ready for marriage and kids. I want to get married but want to wait a couple more years to have kids. This is thy r main issue, but there is also city vs suburbs and which state we would raise our kids in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What were the issues?

Yeah, this. No one can give you any reasonable perspective without these details.

.

I disagree. Whatever the issues were, they were enough to break up. This means: (1) the issues are significant; or (2) someone can't figure out how to come to a reasonable compromise. Either way, dealbreaker.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has he articulated what he’s willing to change to address the reasons you broke in the first place? Have you?

OP here. He’s a little older than me and is ready for marriage and kids. I want to get married but want to wait a couple more years to have kids. This is thy r main issue, but there is also city vs suburbs and which state we would raise our kids in.

OP here. He has decided he is willing to wait until I’m ready to have kids. We also realize which state to raise kids in or suburbs vs city is something we can compromise on. I just couldn’t compromise on having kids before I’m ready.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has he articulated what he’s willing to change to address the reasons you broke in the first place? Have you?

OP here. He’s a little older than me and is ready for marriage and kids. I want to get married but want to wait a couple more years to have kids. This is thy r main issue, but there is also city vs suburbs and which state we would raise our kids in.

These are MINOR details you can compromise on - if you really love each other these are EASY.

He probably just misses the sex after a month away. And often a first breakup is just the rehearsal for the final one.

Stop wasting our time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has he articulated what he’s willing to change to address the reasons you broke in the first place? Have you?

OP here. He’s a little older than me and is ready for marriage and kids. I want to get married but want to wait a couple more years to have kids. This is thy r main issue, but there is also city vs suburbs and which state we would raise our kids in.

Is it just timeline? That can be negotiated.City/suburb/state can also be negotiated. But do it NOW. Not after you get back together.

[Anonymous]

FYI you will NEVER be ready to have kids.