Do you have a friend who makes up vague health reasons to cancel your plans at the last minute?

[Anonymous]

I was like this for years due to autoimmune disease and chronic migraine. It was horrible, and eventually I got tired of people assuming I was making it up or neurotic, so I just stopped making plans.

In the last three years my health has dramatically improved (new treatment in part) and now I’m so sympathetic to people like your friend - and so angry that there ARE people out there who lie about their health as an excuse to get out of things.

All you can do is take her at her word.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get debilitating migraines— no one wants to hear about needing to stay in a pitch black bathroom floor, vomiting, because turning on the lights would be worse. So I tend to give “vague” excuses when I need to cancel because of them. Avoiding triggers probably makes me look neurotic too, come to think of it. Your friend probably has something similar going on.

I would rather hear the truth tbh (np)

It’s the truth, though vague, to say “I’m not feeling well” or “I’m not feeling up to it” or “I’m having a headache” without saying “I have been vomiting for two hours”. Being vague is not the same as lying and no one is entitled to every gory detail to judge whether an excuse is good enough.

Here's the problem though: those "vague" excuses don't come across as "I'm being vague b/c I'm embarrassed to share my actual symptoms" but rather as "I'm being vague because the truth is that I'm not interested in investing in our friendship and so I'm feeding you bullshit re: why I'm cancelling previously confirmed plans."

Along the same lines, I hope that those of you with chronic issues understand that the friends on whom you constantly cancel may decide not to include you in future plans. It's one thing for friends to accommodate each other's needs. It's another thing entirely for people with issues to expect accommodation when they don't reciprocate in other ways. Your issues are not an excuse to be a shitty friend.

Perhaps to you they don’t. I assume to my friends they come across as sufficient. I’m also not embarrassed, it’s just no ones business. Or sure maybe they’re all just counting down the number of migraines I’m allowed to have before they cut me off from their lives? That seems unlikely, and, deciding someone’s chronic health condition is a dealbreaker doesn’t make *them* the shitty friend. Do you expect a doctors note?

Well, it depends upon context. If, say, 9 times out of 10, you follow through with plans and once out of every ten you have to cancel because of migraines, then yes, I'd say that anyone who dumped you as a friend would be a shitty friend. But if you've cancelled plans five times in a row *and* haven't done anything to *reciprocate in other ways* when you have been feeling better, then I think your friends would be quite justified in wondering whether or not you value them, their time and their efforts and then acting accordingly. To be fair, I think cancellations are a bigger problem when the person bailing on plans has mental health issues (i.e. persistent, not episodic) because there's an implied expectation that the healthy friends need to accommodate without expecting healthy reciprocity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get debilitating migraines— no one wants to hear about needing to stay in a pitch black bathroom floor, vomiting, because turning on the lights would be worse. So I tend to give “vague” excuses when I need to cancel because of them. Avoiding triggers probably makes me look neurotic too, come to think of it. Your friend probably has something similar going on.

I would rather hear the truth tbh (np)

It’s the truth, though vague, to say “I’m not feeling well” or “I’m not feeling up to it” or “I’m having a headache” without saying “I have been vomiting for two hours”. Being vague is not the same as lying and no one is entitled to every gory detail to judge whether an excuse is good enough.

Here's the problem though: those "vague" excuses don't come across as "I'm being vague b/c I'm embarrassed to share my actual symptoms" but rather as "I'm being vague because the truth is that I'm not interested in investing in our friendship and so I'm feeding you bullshit re: why I'm cancelling previously confirmed plans."

Along the same lines, I hope that those of you with chronic issues understand that the friends on whom you constantly cancel may decide not to include you in future plans. It's one thing for friends to accommodate each other's needs. It's another thing entirely for people with issues to expect accommodation when they don't reciprocate in other ways. Your issues are not an excuse to be a shitty friend.

Perhaps to you they don’t. I assume to my friends they come across as sufficient. I’m also not embarrassed, it’s just no ones business. Or sure maybe they’re all just counting down the number of migraines I’m allowed to have before they cut me off from their lives? That seems unlikely, and, deciding someone’s chronic health condition is a dealbreaker doesn’t make *them* the shitty friend. Do you expect a doctors note?

Well, it depends upon context. If, say, 9 times out of 10, you follow through with plans and once out of every ten you have to cancel because of migraines, then yes, I'd say that anyone who dumped you as a friend would be a shitty friend. But if you've cancelled plans five times in a row *and* haven't done anything to *reciprocate in other ways* when you have been feeling better, then I think your friends would be quite justified in wondering whether or not you value them, their time and their efforts and then acting accordingly. To be fair, I think cancellations are a bigger problem when the person bailing on plans has mental health issues (i.e. persistent, not episodic) because there's an implied expectation that the healthy friends need to accommodate without expecting healthy reciprocity.

How do you think people with illnesses that inconvenience plans are supposed to “reciprocate in other ways” to atone for being ill? If you mean “keeping plans when possible” I agree with you, that’s being a consistent friend and responsible adult in any case. You seem to think you are owed something if someone is sick five times— has it occurred to you that it’s worse for them to be sick? I wouldn’t think “I haven’t been able to look out a window or at a screen today, but the real person we should feel sorry for is the person I had to reschedule lunch with” but it seems that you do. You should probably inform your friends of your expectations for *other reciprocity* when they are ill.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Probably social anxiety that could lead to a full blown panic attack. Don't take it personally. Meet people where they are and give them grace to get better.

This. I have it. I worry DOR weeks before meeting up with someone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get debilitating migraines— no one wants to hear about needing to stay in a pitch black bathroom floor, vomiting, because turning on the lights would be worse. So I tend to give “vague” excuses when I need to cancel because of them. Avoiding triggers probably makes me look neurotic too, come to think of it. Your friend probably has something similar going on.

I would rather hear the truth tbh (np)

It’s the truth, though vague, to say “I’m not feeling well” or “I’m not feeling up to it” or “I’m having a headache” without saying “I have been vomiting for two hours”. Being vague is not the same as lying and no one is entitled to every gory detail to judge whether an excuse is good enough.

Here's the problem though: those "vague" excuses don't come across as "I'm being vague b/c I'm embarrassed to share my actual symptoms" but rather as "I'm being vague because the truth is that I'm not interested in investing in our friendship and so I'm feeding you bullshit re: why I'm cancelling previously confirmed plans."

Along the same lines, I hope that those of you with chronic issues understand that the friends on whom you constantly cancel may decide not to include you in future plans. It's one thing for friends to accommodate each other's needs. It's another thing entirely for people with issues to expect accommodation when they don't reciprocate in other ways. Your issues are not an excuse to be a shitty friend.

Perhaps to you they don’t. I assume to my friends they come across as sufficient. I’m also not embarrassed, it’s just no ones business. Or sure maybe they’re all just counting down the number of migraines I’m allowed to have before they cut me off from their lives? That seems unlikely, and, deciding someone’s chronic health condition is a dealbreaker doesn’t make *them* the shitty friend. Do you expect a doctors note?

Well, it depends upon context. If, say, 9 times out of 10, you follow through with plans and once out of every ten you have to cancel because of migraines, then yes, I'd say that anyone who dumped you as a friend would be a shitty friend. But if you've cancelled plans five times in a row *and* haven't done anything to *reciprocate in other ways* when you have been feeling better, then I think your friends would be quite justified in wondering whether or not you value them, their time and their efforts and then acting accordingly. To be fair, I think cancellations are a bigger problem when the person bailing on plans has mental health issues (i.e. persistent, not episodic) because there's an implied expectation that the healthy friends need to accommodate without expecting healthy reciprocity.

How do you think people with illnesses that inconvenience plans are supposed to “reciprocate in other ways” to atone for being ill? If you mean “keeping plans when possible” I agree with you, that’s being a consistent friend and responsible adult in any case. You seem to think you are owed something if someone is sick five times— has it occurred to you that it’s worse for them to be sick? I wouldn’t think “I haven’t been able to look out a window or at a screen today, but the real person we should feel sorry for is the person I had to reschedule lunch with” but it seems that you do. You should probably inform your friends of your expectations for *other reciprocity* when they are ill.

*Other reciprocity* = phone calls, texts, zoom: initiated contact to check in that signals to the person who didn't cancel the plans that she matters. It's totally understandable that someone vomiting from a migraine or experiencing episodes of IBS wouldn't want to leave the house. But if you've cancelled plans with the same friend or group of friends five times in a row with the vague excuse that you "don't feel well" or "have a headache" and you make zero effort to reach out when these episodes have passed, leaving the onus on your friend/s to reach out and make plans again only to have you cancel again, then I think your friend/s has/have every right to question whether you value their friendship. For the record, my perspective reflects the fact that I never cancel firm plans at the last minute except in cases of true emergency (i.e. someone close to me has died or has just gone to the hospital) or serious illness/injury, the kind that absolutely would necessitate staying in bed, worshipping the porcelain god, so to speak and/or being unable to move without excruciating pain. I have never cancelled and would not cancel long-standing plans at the last minute because of a headache (that's what Tylenol is for) or tiredness (that's what coffee is for) because I respect the time and energy of those with whom I've made plans.

[Anonymous]

However, I have told my close friends b/c it just kept happening and I wanted them to understand it was not them.

This!! This is the approach that shows compassion for the other person!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

However, I have told my close friends b/c it just kept happening and I wanted them to understand it was not them.

This!! This is the approach that shows compassion for the other person!

I generally do this, but even then it’s a double-edged sword. Because sometimes, you do feel better after a few rough weeks but you need to use the healthy stretch of days to catch up on chores or do other things you couldn’t do while sick. Feeling well today doesn’t mean we can go out now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get debilitating migraines— no one wants to hear about needing to stay in a pitch black bathroom floor, vomiting, because turning on the lights would be worse. So I tend to give “vague” excuses when I need to cancel because of them. Avoiding triggers probably makes me look neurotic too, come to think of it. Your friend probably has something similar going on.

I would rather hear the truth tbh (np)

It’s the truth, though vague, to say “I’m not feeling well” or “I’m not feeling up to it” or “I’m having a headache” without saying “I have been vomiting for two hours”. Being vague is not the same as lying and no one is entitled to every gory detail to judge whether an excuse is good enough.

Here's the problem though: those "vague" excuses don't come across as "I'm being vague b/c I'm embarrassed to share my actual symptoms" but rather as "I'm being vague because the truth is that I'm not interested in investing in our friendship and so I'm feeding you bullshit re: why I'm cancelling previously confirmed plans."

Along the same lines, I hope that those of you with chronic issues understand that the friends on whom you constantly cancel may decide not to include you in future plans. It's one thing for friends to accommodate each other's needs. It's another thing entirely for people with issues to expect accommodation when they don't reciprocate in other ways. Your issues are not an excuse to be a shitty friend.

Perhaps to you they don’t. I assume to my friends they come across as sufficient. I’m also not embarrassed, it’s just no ones business. Or sure maybe they’re all just counting down the number of migraines I’m allowed to have before they cut me off from their lives? That seems unlikely, and, deciding someone’s chronic health condition is a dealbreaker doesn’t make *them* the shitty friend. Do you expect a doctors note?

Well, it depends upon context. If, say, 9 times out of 10, you follow through with plans and once out of every ten you have to cancel because of migraines, then yes, I'd say that anyone who dumped you as a friend would be a shitty friend. But if you've cancelled plans five times in a row *and* haven't done anything to *reciprocate in other ways* when you have been feeling better, then I think your friends would be quite justified in wondering whether or not you value them, their time and their efforts and then acting accordingly. To be fair, I think cancellations are a bigger problem when the person bailing on plans has mental health issues (i.e. persistent, not episodic) because there's an implied expectation that the healthy friends need to accommodate without expecting healthy reciprocity.

How do you think people with illnesses that inconvenience plans are supposed to “reciprocate in other ways” to atone for being ill? If you mean “keeping plans when possible” I agree with you, that’s being a consistent friend and responsible adult in any case. You seem to think you are owed something if someone is sick five times— has it occurred to you that it’s worse for them to be sick? I wouldn’t think “I haven’t been able to look out a window or at a screen today, but the real person we should feel sorry for is the person I had to reschedule lunch with” but it seems that you do. You should probably inform your friends of your expectations for *other reciprocity* when they are ill.

*Other reciprocity* = phone calls, texts, zoom: initiated contact to check in that signals to the person who didn't cancel the plans that she matters. It's totally understandable that someone vomiting from a migraine or experiencing episodes of IBS wouldn't want to leave the house. But if you've cancelled plans with the same friend or group of friends five times in a row with the vague excuse that you "don't feel well" or "have a headache" and you make zero effort to reach out when these episodes have passed, leaving the onus on your friend/s to reach out and make plans again only to have you cancel again, then I think your friend/s has/have every right to question whether you value their friendship. For the record, my perspective reflects the fact that I never cancel firm plans at the last minute except in cases of true emergency (i.e. someone close to me has died or has just gone to the hospital) or serious illness/injury, the kind that absolutely would necessitate staying in bed, worshipping the porcelain god, so to speak and/or being unable to move without excruciating pain. I have never cancelled and would not cancel long-standing plans at the last minute because of a headache (that's what Tylenol is for) or tiredness (that's what coffee is for) because I respect the time and energy of those with whom I've made plans.

I think what you’re saying is people should be a good friend and responsible when they’re well. The OP is about irregular cancellation, not five times in a row. It’s good that you do not suffer any chronic illnesses but you should try to feel compassion for people who do, not entitled to medical details or like you’re owed something.

[Anonymous]

Something better came along.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get debilitating migraines— no one wants to hear about needing to stay in a pitch black bathroom floor, vomiting, because turning on the lights would be worse. So I tend to give “vague” excuses when I need to cancel because of them. Avoiding triggers probably makes me look neurotic too, come to think of it. Your friend probably has something similar going on.

I would rather hear the truth tbh (np)

It’s the truth, though vague, to say “I’m not feeling well” or “I’m not feeling up to it” or “I’m having a headache” without saying “I have been vomiting for two hours”. Being vague is not the same as lying and no one is entitled to every gory detail to judge whether an excuse is good enough.

Here's the problem though: those "vague" excuses don't come across as "I'm being vague b/c I'm embarrassed to share my actual symptoms" but rather as "I'm being vague because the truth is that I'm not interested in investing in our friendship and so I'm feeding you bullshit re: why I'm cancelling previously confirmed plans."

Along the same lines, I hope that those of you with chronic issues understand that the friends on whom you constantly cancel may decide not to include you in future plans. It's one thing for friends to accommodate each other's needs. It's another thing entirely for people with issues to expect accommodation when they don't reciprocate in other ways. Your issues are not an excuse to be a shitty friend.

Perhaps to you they don’t. I assume to my friends they come across as sufficient. I’m also not embarrassed, it’s just no ones business. Or sure maybe they’re all just counting down the number of migraines I’m allowed to have before they cut me off from their lives? That seems unlikely, and, deciding someone’s chronic health condition is a dealbreaker doesn’t make *them* the shitty friend. Do you expect a doctors note?

The OP is about irregular cancellation, not five times in a row. It’s good that you do not suffer any chronic illnesses but you should try to feel compassion for people who do, not entitled to medical details or like you’re owed something.

Cancelling every third time was clearly enough for the OP to wonder if her friend was just feeding her bullshit, and that's my point. I have plenty of compassion for people with chronic illnesses. But to have that compassion, one has to know that the person struggles. And while I understand and respect people's desires not to impart TMI, those of you who want to be able to cancel at the last minute with vague excuses expressed as "sorry I'm unwell" shouldn't be surprised when the person on whom you're cancelling suspects that "sorry I'm unwell" translates as "I'm just not feeling it, have better things to do and people to see and you're not important enough in my life for me to follow through with our plans" and then acts accordingly. There are words to describe people like you: "precious" and "entitled." Is it really so hard to say to one's friends, "hey, just wanted to give you a heads up. I don't want to share any details, but I have a chronic, mostly manageable condition that sometimes flares up unpredictably and when it does, I end up having to cancel plans at the last minute. Just wanted you to know in case I ever have to cancel plans with you under these circumstances"? Notice the language here: no graphic details. And as for being "owed something": well, I happen to think that true friendships are rooted in mutual trust, respect, love, commitment and support. Part of being a great friend is respecting one's friends' time, energy and efforts and conveying their value to you in words and in actions. So yes, if I had a chronic condition that forced me to cancel plans at the last minute every so often, I'd absolutely disclose this issue to my friends because I'd never want them to think that I took their presence in my life for granted. And if I couldn't leave my abode because I needed to be within 5 feet of my bed or bathroom just in case but was experiencing intervals of comparative wellness in between, you can bet your ass I'd be texting or calling the friends on whom I'd had to cancel to check in and see what's up with them because I'd never think that being ill gave me a pass on having to take responsibility for doing my part to maintain our friendship.

[Anonymous]

I have chronic pain issues (daily chronic migraine) and it is so hard to make and keep plans. No one gets it, though I try really hard. When I do cancel plans, I don't give very detailed reasons because most people don't understand what chronic migraine is. It's not just a headache. It's nausea, vertigo, dizziness, body aches, and severe pain. Sometimes the vertigo is so bad that I cannot walk. The attacks come suddenly and the side effects remain for a while.

My point is that maybe you should BELIEVE her. Ask her if she needs something. Chronic illness and/or chronic pain is so tough to manage and only exacerbated by people who think that you're a liar.

So I don't know what health issues your friend has but support is always a good idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have chronic pain issues (daily chronic migraine) and it is so hard to make and keep plans. No one gets it, though I try really hard. When I do cancel plans, I don't give very detailed reasons because most people don't understand what chronic migraine is. It's not just a headache. It's nausea, vertigo, dizziness, body aches, and severe pain. Sometimes the vertigo is so bad that I cannot walk. The attacks come suddenly and the side effects remain for a while.

My point is that maybe you should BELIEVE her. Ask her if she needs something. Chronic illness and/or chronic pain is so tough to manage and only exacerbated by people who think that you're a liar.

So I don't know what health issues your friend has but support is always a good idea.

This, and people don't understand how bad it can get. Or, they think you can just change your diet, etc. and all is well. I've been on all the new medications and not one has helped and the side effects have been just as bad as the migraines. I stopped making plans except last minute (minus covid and its not worth the risk to add on covid to my current health issues).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have chronic pain issues (daily chronic migraine) and it is so hard to make and keep plans. No one gets it, though I try really hard. When I do cancel plans, I don't give very detailed reasons because most people don't understand what chronic migraine is. It's not just a headache. It's nausea, vertigo, dizziness, body aches, and severe pain. Sometimes the vertigo is so bad that I cannot walk. The attacks come suddenly and the side effects remain for a while.

My point is that maybe you should BELIEVE her. Ask her if she needs something. Chronic illness and/or chronic pain is so tough to manage and only exacerbated by people who think that you're a liar.

So I don't know what health issues your friend has but support is always a good idea.

This, and people don't understand how bad it can get. Or, they think you can just change your diet, etc. and all is well. I've been on all the new medications and not one has helped and the side effects have been just as bad as the migraines. I stopped making plans except last minute (minus covid and its not worth the risk to add on covid to my current health issues).

Hugs to you, PP. I've also been through the rounds of dozens of SSRIs, beta blockers, calcium channel blockers, Botox, ketamine, nerve blocks, etc. all with terrible side effects and not much relief. I'm starting new CGRP but terrified of more side effects. It's so exhausting. I'm tired of it.

And reading posts like OP's only makes it harder to try to get out and make plans. Because what if inevitably I'm not feeling well. Neurological disorders really suck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She probably has a chronic disease that she is uncomfortable talking about, like IBD, that is unpredictable and embarrassing.

This. Or an autoimmune disease that flares, like ai do. No one believes me, but some days I feel like complete and total crap and some days I don't. Don't bother to talk about it anymore.

[Anonymous]

I have a friend who does this but not with health issues, just random BS excuses, often involving family. I.e. my sister is sick, I have to help her. She's admitted to me in the past that these have been lies when another friend posted a photo of them at a restaurant.

it's very bizarre behavior, because, as you said, she initiates it and then cancels, I believe due to mental health/anxiety issues. But it's SO ANNOYING.

I'm not sure of a solution except to lessen your time with her. I am slowly learning to drop this person because I'm sick of getting dressed up/ready to go and then having to hear some stupid, nonsensical lie of an excuse. It's a very strange psychology behind it