Reply to Do you have a friend who makes up vague health reasons to cancel your plans at the last minute?

Forum Index » Relationship Discussion (non-explicit)

Reply to "Do you have a friend who makes up vague health reasons to cancel your plans at the last minute?"

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I get debilitating migraines— no one wants to hear about needing to stay in a pitch black bathroom floor, vomiting, because turning on the lights would be worse.  So I tend to give “vague” excuses when I need to cancel because of them.  Avoiding triggers probably makes me look neurotic too, come to think of it.  Your friend probably has something similar going on.[/quote]

I would rather hear the truth tbh (np)[/quote]

It’s the truth, though vague, to say “I’m not feeling well” or “I’m not feeling up to it” or “I’m having a headache” without saying “I have been vomiting for two hours”.  Being vague is not the same as lying and no one is entitled to every gory detail to judge whether an excuse is good enough. [/quote]

Here's the problem though: those "vague" excuses don't come across as "I'm being vague b/c I'm embarrassed to share my actual symptoms" but rather as "I'm being vague because the truth is that I'm not interested in investing in our friendship and so I'm feeding you bullshit re: why I'm cancelling previously confirmed plans."

Along the same lines, I hope that those of you with chronic issues understand that the friends on whom you constantly cancel may decide not to include you in future plans. It's one thing for friends to accommodate each other's needs. It's another thing entirely for people with issues to expect accommodation when they don't reciprocate in other ways. Your issues are not an excuse to be a shitty friend. [/quote]

Perhaps to you they don’t. I assume to my friends they come across as sufficient.  I’m also not embarrassed, it’s just no ones business.  Or sure maybe they’re all just counting down the number of migraines I’m allowed to have before they cut me off from their lives? That seems unlikely, and, deciding someone’s chronic health condition is a dealbreaker doesn’t make *them* the shitty friend. Do you expect a doctors note?[/quote]

The OP is about irregular cancellation, not five times in a row. It’s good that you do not suffer any chronic illnesses but you should try to feel compassion for people who do, not entitled to medical details or like you’re owed something. [/quote]

Cancelling every third time was clearly enough for the OP to wonder if her friend was just feeding her bullshit, and that's my point. I have plenty of compassion for people with chronic illnesses. But to have that compassion, one has to know that the person struggles. And while I understand and respect people's desires not to impart TMI, those of you who want to be able to cancel at the last minute with vague excuses expressed as "sorry I'm unwell" shouldn't be surprised when the person on whom you're cancelling suspects that "sorry I'm unwell" translates as "I'm just not feeling it, have better things to do and people to see and you're not important enough in my life for me to follow through with our plans" and then acts accordingly. There are words to describe people like you: "precious" and "entitled." Is it really so hard to say to one's friends, "hey, just wanted to give you a heads up. I don't want to share any details, but I have a chronic, mostly manageable condition that sometimes flares up unpredictably and when it does, I end up having to cancel plans at the last minute. Just wanted you to know in case I ever have to cancel plans with you under these circumstances"? Notice the language here: no graphic details. And as for being "owed something": well, I happen to think that true friendships are rooted in mutual trust, respect, love, commitment and support. Part of being a great friend is respecting one's friends' time, energy and efforts and conveying their value to you in words and in actions. So yes, if I had a chronic condition that forced me to cancel plans at the last minute every so often, I'd absolutely disclose this issue to my friends because I'd never want them to think that I took their presence in my life for granted. And if I couldn't leave my abode because I needed to be within 5 feet of my bed or bathroom just in case but was experiencing intervals of comparative wellness in between, you can bet your ass I'd be texting or calling the friends on whom I'd had to cancel to check in and see what's up with them because I'd never think that being ill gave me a pass on having to take responsibility for doing my part to maintain our friendship.[/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics