Do you have a friend who makes up vague health reasons to cancel your plans at the last minute?

[Anonymous]

I have a close friend who frequently cancels planned get-togethers; she's always been this way, for various reasons. I love her anyway for all of her otherwise excellent traits, and accept it as part of who she is. And so if we plan something, I think of it as tentative, which means I'm pleasantly surprised when it does happen but not upset when it doesn't.

[Anonymous]

But doesn't it inconvenience you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That sounds like depression.

+1. my friend does this too me - depression and migraines. it’s a bit annoying but I try to remember she’s ill.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That sounds like depression.

+1. my friend does this too me - depression and migraines. it’s a bit annoying but I try to remember she’s ill.

As other PPs mentioned, anxiety. Specifically anticipatory anxiety and panic disorder.

I was this friend for years and was too ashamed to admit (even to myself) that I was struggling with anxiety and depression with agoraphobia. Finally got help and meds but by then I had moved away…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get debilitating migraines— no one wants to hear about needing to stay in a pitch black bathroom floor, vomiting, because turning on the lights would be worse. So I tend to give “vague” excuses when I need to cancel because of them. Avoiding triggers probably makes me look neurotic too, come to think of it. Your friend probably has something similar going on.

I would rather hear the truth tbh (np)

It’s the truth, though vague, to say “I’m not feeling well” or “I’m not feeling up to it” or “I’m having a headache” without saying “I have been vomiting for two hours”. Being vague is not the same as lying and no one is entitled to every gory detail to judge whether an excuse is good enough.

[Anonymous]

She might be depressed. I cancel plans when I can’t get out of bed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I often get excited about seeing a friend and offer to meet up but then either the plan becomes super inconvenient (she doesn’t have a car that day and I need to give a ride, or the time that works for her doesn’t work for me or some such) that I don’t want it anymore. Or sometimes I just remember how she is not that fun and I won’t enjoy it. I am very tempted to cancel but I am also a very reliable person so I mostly don’t. But I am sure a lot of people do.
So either you make it difficult for her, or she is not that into you but forgets, or socially anxious

Don’t agree to plans that don’t work for you, and don’t agree to plans with people who are “not that fun.” PROBLEM SOLVED. Be reliable by not pretending like you’re a friend to someone you don’t like. (WTH?)

I don’t think I asked? But look, for example I offer to meet on Saturday, and then the friend is enthusiastic but on Friday she says she can only meet in the morning, or she doesn’t have a car and can’t drive. Of course I can’t say then I won’t meet because I don’t want to drive you so I say I am not feeling well!

I don’t think I care if you asked? “That doesn’t work for me.” Pretty simple. No need to lie.

Hi, let’s meet Saturday! Sure, can you pick me up at 7 am? That doesn’t work for me! lol no. But you do you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a friend who skips every third get together with a group of friends we have. I think for her it's a way to control finances. If she said during planning she could not make a weekend, we'd pick another so she agrees and then cancels day of. Every third time!

That doesn’t make sense as a financial strategy. It might work if the outings were on a schedule or all of the same approximate cost. But skipping a night out because it came after two three day weekend getaways would not help.

Ah, I see! These are always dinners. If we are settling on a weekend and then picking the dates for the actual event (sometimes we say ok, the weekend of Dec 10th, and we'll pick either Saturday or Sunday as the weekend gets closer) she'll agree to whatever. If she said it was no good at that time, we would keep looking for a date. I've never commented on this pattern to anyone in the group, she must have her reasons and I'm glad to see her when we do. I'd be annoyed if these were 1:1 plans.

For whatever reason she doesn’t want to meet that often. She tries to bow out but you keep insisting, what should she do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I often get excited about seeing a friend and offer to meet up but then either the plan becomes super inconvenient (she doesn’t have a car that day and I need to give a ride, or the time that works for her doesn’t work for me or some such) that I don’t want it anymore. Or sometimes I just remember how she is not that fun and I won’t enjoy it. I am very tempted to cancel but I am also a very reliable person so I mostly don’t. But I am sure a lot of people do.
So either you make it difficult for her, or she is not that into you but forgets, or socially anxious

Don’t agree to plans that don’t work for you, and don’t agree to plans with people who are “not that fun.” PROBLEM SOLVED. Be reliable by not pretending like you’re a friend to someone you don’t like. (WTH?)

I don’t think I asked? But look, for example I offer to meet on Saturday, and then the friend is enthusiastic but on Friday she says she can only meet in the morning, or she doesn’t have a car and can’t drive. Of course I can’t say then I won’t meet because I don’t want to drive you so I say I am not feeling well!

I don’t think I care if you asked? “That doesn’t work for me.” Pretty simple. No need to lie.

Hi, let’s meet Saturday! Sure, can you pick me up at 7 am? That doesn’t work for me! lol no. But you do you

“That doesn’t work for me, because I was planning on running errands before or after.”

Why are you making plans with someone who doesn’t have a car/can’t drive when you KNOW that about them? Or why are you not meeting near them/near a Metro? How odd.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get debilitating migraines— no one wants to hear about needing to stay in a pitch black bathroom floor, vomiting, because turning on the lights would be worse. So I tend to give “vague” excuses when I need to cancel because of them. Avoiding triggers probably makes me look neurotic too, come to think of it. Your friend probably has something similar going on.

I would rather hear the truth tbh (np)

It’s the truth, though vague, to say “I’m not feeling well” or “I’m not feeling up to it” or “I’m having a headache” without saying “I have been vomiting for two hours”. Being vague is not the same as lying and no one is entitled to every gory detail to judge whether an excuse is good enough.

Here's the problem though: those "vague" excuses don't come across as "I'm being vague b/c I'm embarrassed to share my actual symptoms" but rather as "I'm being vague because the truth is that I'm not interested in investing in our friendship and so I'm feeding you bullshit re: why I'm cancelling previously confirmed plans."

Along the same lines, I hope that those of you with chronic issues understand that the friends on whom you constantly cancel may decide not to include you in future plans. It's one thing for friends to accommodate each other's needs. It's another thing entirely for people with issues to expect accommodation when they don't reciprocate in other ways. Your issues are not an excuse to be a shitty friend.

[Anonymous]

Ha, yes. I have a good friend like this!! She has anxiety especially around health issues, and at least half the time she cancels because she’s not feeling well (sometimes it’s a fib). Whatever - we do have a blast when we do see each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I often get excited about seeing a friend and offer to meet up but then either the plan becomes super inconvenient (she doesn’t have a car that day and I need to give a ride, or the time that works for her doesn’t work for me or some such) that I don’t want it anymore. Or sometimes I just remember how she is not that fun and I won’t enjoy it. I am very tempted to cancel but I am also a very reliable person so I mostly don’t. But I am sure a lot of people do.
So either you make it difficult for her, or she is not that into you but forgets, or socially anxious

Don’t agree to plans that don’t work for you, and don’t agree to plans with people who are “not that fun.” PROBLEM SOLVED. Be reliable by not pretending like you’re a friend to someone you don’t like. (WTH?)

I don’t think I asked? But look, for example I offer to meet on Saturday, and then the friend is enthusiastic but on Friday she says she can only meet in the morning, or she doesn’t have a car and can’t drive. Of course I can’t say then I won’t meet because I don’t want to drive you so I say I am not feeling well!

I don’t think I care if you asked? “That doesn’t work for me.” Pretty simple. No need to lie.

Hi, let’s meet Saturday! Sure, can you pick me up at 7 am? That doesn’t work for me! lol no. But you do you

“That doesn’t work for me, because I was planning on running errands before or after.”

Why are you making plans with someone who doesn’t have a car/can’t drive when you KNOW that about them? Or why are you not meeting near them/near a Metro? How odd.

This is the thing.
I didn’t realize they didn’t have a car that weekend
It could really be anything. Maybe I didn’t get a good night sleep or maybe she is changing the format or time of meeting, it all makes me want to cancel

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get debilitating migraines— no one wants to hear about needing to stay in a pitch black bathroom floor, vomiting, because turning on the lights would be worse. So I tend to give “vague” excuses when I need to cancel because of them. Avoiding triggers probably makes me look neurotic too, come to think of it. Your friend probably has something similar going on.

I would rather hear the truth tbh (np)

It’s the truth, though vague, to say “I’m not feeling well” or “I’m not feeling up to it” or “I’m having a headache” without saying “I have been vomiting for two hours”. Being vague is not the same as lying and no one is entitled to every gory detail to judge whether an excuse is good enough.

Here's the problem though: those "vague" excuses don't come across as "I'm being vague b/c I'm embarrassed to share my actual symptoms" but rather as "I'm being vague because the truth is that I'm not interested in investing in our friendship and so I'm feeding you bullshit re: why I'm cancelling previously confirmed plans."

Along the same lines, I hope that those of you with chronic issues understand that the friends on whom you constantly cancel may decide not to include you in future plans. It's one thing for friends to accommodate each other's needs. It's another thing entirely for people with issues to expect accommodation when they don't reciprocate in other ways. Your issues are not an excuse to be a shitty friend.

Perhaps to you they don’t. I assume to my friends they come across as sufficient. I’m also not embarrassed, it’s just no ones business. Or sure maybe they’re all just counting down the number of migraines I’m allowed to have before they cut me off from their lives? That seems unlikely, and, deciding someone’s chronic health condition is a dealbreaker doesn’t make *them* the shitty friend. Do you expect a doctors note?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get debilitating migraines— no one wants to hear about needing to stay in a pitch black bathroom floor, vomiting, because turning on the lights would be worse. So I tend to give “vague” excuses when I need to cancel because of them. Avoiding triggers probably makes me look neurotic too, come to think of it. Your friend probably has something similar going on.

This. And, no one really gets when they are this bad and think you are making it up if they've never had that kind of pain. And, then they say, oh, have you tried... and yes, I've tried it all (except one medication that is brand new).

[Anonymous]

I am an introvert. I have good friends I enjoy spending time with, but, sometimes, between work and family, I am so overwhelmed and need to be quiet and alone. I try not to cancel with friends too often, but sometimes I need to to take care of my mental health.