Reply to Do you have a friend who makes up vague health reasons to cancel your plans at the last minute?

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Reply to "Do you have a friend who makes up vague health reasons to cancel your plans at the last minute?"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I get debilitating migraines— no one wants to hear about needing to stay in a pitch black bathroom floor, vomiting, because turning on the lights would be worse.  So I tend to give “vague” excuses when I need to cancel because of them.  Avoiding triggers probably makes me look neurotic too, come to think of it.  Your friend probably has something similar going on.[/quote]

I would rather hear the truth tbh (np)[/quote]

It’s the truth, though vague, to say “I’m not feeling well” or “I’m not feeling up to it” or “I’m having a headache” without saying “I have been vomiting for two hours”.  Being vague is not the same as lying and no one is entitled to every gory detail to judge whether an excuse is good enough. [/quote]

Here's the problem though: those "vague" excuses don't come across as "I'm being vague b/c I'm embarrassed to share my actual symptoms" but rather as "I'm being vague because the truth is that I'm not interested in investing in our friendship and so I'm feeding you bullshit re: why I'm cancelling previously confirmed plans."

Along the same lines, I hope that those of you with chronic issues understand that the friends on whom you constantly cancel may decide not to include you in future plans. It's one thing for friends to accommodate each other's needs. It's another thing entirely for people with issues to expect accommodation when they don't reciprocate in other ways. Your issues are not an excuse to be a shitty friend. [/quote]

Perhaps to you they don’t. I assume to my friends they come across as sufficient.  I’m also not embarrassed, it’s just no ones business.  Or sure maybe they’re all just counting down the number of migraines I’m allowed to have before they cut me off from their lives? That seems unlikely, and, deciding someone’s chronic health condition is a dealbreaker doesn’t make *them* the shitty friend. Do you expect a doctors note?[/quote]

Well, it depends upon context. If, say, 9 times out of 10, you follow through with plans and once out of every ten you have to cancel because of migraines, then yes, I'd say that anyone who dumped you as a friend would be a shitty friend. But if you've cancelled plans five times in a row *and* haven't done anything to *reciprocate in other ways* when you have been feeling better, then I think your friends would be quite justified in wondering whether or not you value them, their time and their efforts and then acting accordingly. To be fair, I think cancellations are a bigger problem when the person bailing on plans has mental health issues (i.e. persistent, not episodic) because there's an implied expectation that the healthy friends need to accommodate without expecting healthy reciprocity.

[/quote]

How do you think people with illnesses that inconvenience plans are supposed to “reciprocate in other ways” to atone for being ill? If you mean “keeping plans when possible” I agree with you, that’s being a consistent friend and responsible adult in any case.  You seem to think you are owed something if someone is sick five times— has it occurred to you that it’s worse for them to be sick? I wouldn’t think “I haven’t been able to look out a window or at a screen today, but the real person we should feel sorry for is the person I had to reschedule lunch with” but it seems that you do. You should probably inform your friends of your expectations for *other reciprocity* when they are ill. [/quote]

*Other reciprocity* = phone calls, texts, zoom: initiated contact to check in that signals to the person who didn't cancel the plans that she matters. It's totally understandable that someone vomiting from a migraine or experiencing episodes of IBS wouldn't want to leave the house. But if you've cancelled plans with the same friend or group of friends five times in a row with the vague excuse that you "don't feel well" or "have a headache" and you make zero effort to reach out when these episodes have passed, leaving the onus on your friend/s to reach out and make plans again only to have you cancel again, then I think your friend/s has/have every right to question whether you value their friendship. For the record, my perspective reflects the fact that I never cancel firm plans at the last minute except in cases of true emergency (i.e. someone close to me has died or has just gone to the hospital) or serious illness/injury, the kind that absolutely would necessitate staying in bed, worshipping the porcelain god, so to speak and/or being unable to move without excruciating pain. I have never cancelled and would not cancel long-standing plans at the last minute because of a headache (that's what Tylenol is for) or tiredness (that's what coffee is for) because I respect the time and energy of those with whom I've made plans. [/quote]

I think what you’re saying is people should be a good friend and responsible when they’re well. The OP is about irregular cancellation, not five times in a row. It’s good that you do not suffer any chronic illnesses but you should try to feel compassion for people who do, not entitled to medical details or like you’re owed something. [/quote]

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