Do you have a friend who makes up vague health reasons to cancel your plans at the last minute?

[Anonymous]

To think your friends wouldn't have compassion - is to think so little of them

You don't give them the chance to show grace if you don't tell them

[Anonymous]

Yes, but I do know it’s chronic illness related. It’s vague but I believe her 100 percent, and I have to be flexible. I think the issue here is the lack of trust.

[Anonymous]

I have a friend who doesn't drop plans exactly, but she leads me on - and doesn't follow through. I have come to the conclusion (and it took some work) that it is not me, it is her. And that 50% of the time she'll be flaky. So I invite, she expresses interest, and I assume she won't follow through. When she DOES follow through - extra joy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have chronic pain issues (daily chronic migraine) and it is so hard to make and keep plans. No one gets it, though I try really hard. When I do cancel plans, I don't give very detailed reasons because most people don't understand what chronic migraine is. It's not just a headache. It's nausea, vertigo, dizziness, body aches, and severe pain. Sometimes the vertigo is so bad that I cannot walk. The attacks come suddenly and the side effects remain for a while.

My point is that maybe you should BELIEVE her. Ask her if she needs something. Chronic illness and/or chronic pain is so tough to manage and only exacerbated by people who think that you're a liar.

So I don't know what health issues your friend has but support is always a good idea.

This, and people don't understand how bad it can get. Or, they think you can just change your diet, etc. and all is well. I've been on all the new medications and not one has helped and the side effects have been just as bad as the migraines. I stopped making plans except last minute (minus covid and its not worth the risk to add on covid to my current health issues).

NP. No, we don't know how bad it is. And we can't know unless you tell us. If you give a vague excuse "I'm not feeling well" ... we do not know what is going on. Why not be more transparent and express exactly what is happening? I think your friends will be more understanding and empathetic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I often get excited about seeing a friend and offer to meet up but then either the plan becomes super inconvenient (she doesn’t have a car that day and I need to give a ride, or the time that works for her doesn’t work for me or some such) that I don’t want it anymore. Or sometimes I just remember how she is not that fun and I won’t enjoy it. I am very tempted to cancel but I am also a very reliable person so I mostly don’t. But I am sure a lot of people do.
So either you make it difficult for her, or she is not that into you but forgets, or socially anxious

Don’t agree to plans that don’t work for you, and don’t agree to plans with people who are “not that fun.” PROBLEM SOLVED. Be reliable by not pretending like you’re a friend to someone you don’t like. (WTH?)

I don’t think I asked? But look, for example I offer to meet on Saturday, and then the friend is enthusiastic but on Friday she says she can only meet in the morning, or she doesn’t have a car and can’t drive. Of course I can’t say then I won’t meet because I don’t want to drive you so I say I am not feeling well!

THAT is BS. Just ask to reschedule. "Sounds like this meet up doesn't work for you. Let's reschedule to a more convenient time/place." If she can't drive, or doesn't have a car, these are obstacles that you need to work around ahead of time - meet somewhere near the metro or bus line. Or you go to her. Or accept that you'll have to drive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have two medical conditions that flare up regularly but without warning and it catches me off guard and not controlled well with medication. I am embarrassed to explain the specifics and try to give a vague reason when this comes up. However, I have told my close friends b/c it just kept happening and I wanted them to understand it was not them.

This is the right thing to do - you have a right to cancel plans that no longer work for you but you should not leave the other person hanging in a vacuum.

[Anonymous]

OP, can you express concern and say something like "I've noticed you've mentioned a couple health issues lately and just want to make sure you're doing ok, anything you need to talk about? I'm here for you." That might give you an answer in a compassionate way