Married to an antivaxxer

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op again. Counseling was attempted for three sessions and ended due to dh finding no value in it. We're at an impasse. I have essentially given in. But I'm mad about it.

Well, it sounds like you will divorce and the only question is the timeline. What is stopping you from leaving now? If you aren’t leaving now, what is your strategy to survive this? And what is your timeline to get out?

Because really, the vaccine issue sounds like the tip of the iceberg.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I'm real, this is real. Pp who said something about a misalignment of values... You're spot on. And the covid vaccine is one of them.

I can't and won't just take kids to get vaccinated on my own. It'd be like an act of war. I'd rather decide to divorce and do that before acting unilaterally because that's one of the things that's aggravating me about his decisions.

I personally do think he's gotten sucked into the conspiracy theories but of course he would say he's done his own research/financial interests mean the info we're getting is tainted/etc. He is smart, educated, intellectual. We just do not agree and have a hard time respecting each other's opinions, for obvious reasons... So how do you make a marriage like this work? Is it doomed not to?

ok, but if your child catches COVID and gets sick or worse, you'll instantly regret this decision. I realize the risk for kids is low, but it's not impossible and there are document cases of kids dying. Again, not many. Don't let your kid get caught in the middle of the war between you and your husband.

[Anonymous]

If this was your only issue I’d say to take some pressure off and table it for a few months or a year since kids are low risk and there will be way more data in time. But if you have lots of communication issues then this might not help the larger problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op again. Counseling was attempted for three sessions and ended due to dh finding no value in it. We're at an impasse. I have essentially given in. But I'm mad about it.

Everyone is trying to convince me the boy I gave birth to is actually a girl. I’m apparently the crazy one. See how this works?

PS - I’m not giving in.

[Anonymous]

You should check out the subreddit "QAnon Casualties". The vaccine and other issues of the past few years have destroyed many a marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I'm real, this is real. Pp who said something about a misalignment of values... You're spot on. And the covid vaccine is one of them.

I can't and won't just take kids to get vaccinated on my own. It'd be like an act of war. I'd rather decide to divorce and do that before acting unilaterally because that's one of the things that's aggravating me about his decisions.

I personally do think he's gotten sucked into the conspiracy theories but of course he would say he's done his own research/financial interests mean the info we're getting is tainted/etc. He is smart, educated, intellectual. We just do not agree and have a hard time respecting each other's opinions, for obvious reasons... So how do you make a marriage like this work? Is it doomed not to?

ok, but if your child catches COVID and gets sick or worse, you'll instantly regret this decision. I realize the risk for kids is low, but it's not impossible and there are document cases of kids dying. Again, not many. Don't let your kid get caught in the middle of the war between you and your husband.

Op here. His response to this is, "ok so if the kids get a bad reaction to the vaccine then would it be your fault?" And then goes on his tirade of all the evidence that the vaccines are doing more harm than good. Obviously evidence I find questionable. But he finds evidence of covids effects questionable. This is an impossible argument to have.

And to the other pp who asked...yes it's not just covid. It's stop the steal, blm, LGBTQ, every hot controversial issue you can think of. We're on opposite ends. It's starting to extend to other vaccines too now.

What stops me from leaving is the kids. Will it be easier for me to leave yes. Will it be easier for them or easier for co-parenting? I don't see how.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should check out the subreddit "QAnon Casualties". The vaccine and other issues of the past few years have destroyed many a marriage.

Thanks for the suggestion. It's horrifying but also makes me feel less alone. I've also heard side comments from therapists I reached out to about couples counseling that a lot of people are in similar shoes... unfortunately I don't know if anyone's figured out how to deal in a productive way...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I'm real, this is real. Pp who said something about a misalignment of values... You're spot on. And the covid vaccine is one of them.

I can't and won't just take kids to get vaccinated on my own. It'd be like an act of war. I'd rather decide to divorce and do that before acting unilaterally because that's one of the things that's aggravating me about his decisions.

I personally do think he's gotten sucked into the conspiracy theories but of course he would say he's done his own research/financial interests mean the info we're getting is tainted/etc. He is smart, educated, intellectual. We just do not agree and have a hard time respecting each other's opinions, for obvious reasons... So how do you make a marriage like this work? Is it doomed not to?

ok, but if your child catches COVID and gets sick or worse, you'll instantly regret this decision. I realize the risk for kids is low, but it's not impossible and there are document cases of kids dying. Again, not many. Don't let your kid get caught in the middle of the war between you and your husband.

Op here. His response to this is, "ok so if the kids get a bad reaction to the vaccine then would it be your fault?" And then goes on his tirade of all the evidence that the vaccines are doing more harm than good. Obviously evidence I find questionable. But he finds evidence of covids effects questionable. This is an impossible argument to have.

And to the other pp who asked...yes it's not just covid. It's stop the steal, blm, LGBTQ, every hot controversial issue you can think of. We're on opposite ends. It's starting to extend to other vaccines too now.

What stops me from leaving is the kids. Will it be easier for me to leave yes. Will it be easier for them or easier for co-parenting? I don't see how.

This is the kind of marriage you're modeling for your kids. You have to factor that in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I'm real, this is real. Pp who said something about a misalignment of values... You're spot on. And the covid vaccine is one of them.

I can't and won't just take kids to get vaccinated on my own. It'd be like an act of war. I'd rather decide to divorce and do that before acting unilaterally because that's one of the things that's aggravating me about his decisions.

I personally do think he's gotten sucked into the conspiracy theories but of course he would say he's done his own research/financial interests mean the info we're getting is tainted/etc. He is smart, educated, intellectual. We just do not agree and have a hard time respecting each other's opinions, for obvious reasons... So how do you make a marriage like this work? Is it doomed not to?

ok, but if your child catches COVID and gets sick or worse, you'll instantly regret this decision. I realize the risk for kids is low, but it's not impossible and there are document cases of kids dying. Again, not many. Don't let your kid get caught in the middle of the war between you and your husband.

Op here. His response to this is, "ok so if the kids get a bad reaction to the vaccine then would it be your fault?" And then goes on his tirade of all the evidence that the vaccines are doing more harm than good. Obviously evidence I find questionable. But he finds evidence of covids effects questionable. This is an impossible argument to have.

And to the other pp who asked...yes it's not just covid. It's stop the steal, blm, LGBTQ, every hot controversial issue you can think of. We're on opposite ends. It's starting to extend to other vaccines too now.

What stops me from leaving is the kids. Will it be easier for me to leave yes. Will it be easier for them or easier for co-parenting? I don't see how.

Both of you need to delete all social media for 3 months: no facebook, instagram, TikTok, Reddit, DCUM, message boards, etc. No podcasts. No cable news.

Both you go on a complete social media break. If you want news, order print editions of the Washington Post and Wall Street Journal. Only listen to NPR in the mornings when it's just straight news.

If you do this, I bet both of you will be in a better place in three months. After 3 months, reassess the vaccine for your kids.

Unfortunately, I doubt he will stick with his side of the bargain. Because he's that addicted to social media and the outrage it stimulates in his brain. He's addicted to the dopamine rush.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I'm real, this is real. Pp who said something about a misalignment of values... You're spot on. And the covid vaccine is one of them.

I can't and won't just take kids to get vaccinated on my own. It'd be like an act of war. I'd rather decide to divorce and do that before acting unilaterally because that's one of the things that's aggravating me about his decisions.

I personally do think he's gotten sucked into the conspiracy theories but of course he would say he's done his own research/financial interests mean the info we're getting is tainted/etc. He is smart, educated, intellectual. We just do not agree and have a hard time respecting each other's opinions, for obvious reasons... So how do you make a marriage like this work? Is it doomed not to?

ok, but if your child catches COVID and gets sick or worse, you'll instantly regret this decision. I realize the risk for kids is low, but it's not impossible and there are document cases of kids dying. Again, not many. Don't let your kid get caught in the middle of the war between you and your husband.

Op here. His response to this is, "ok so if the kids get a bad reaction to the vaccine then would it be your fault?" And then goes on his tirade of all the evidence that the vaccines are doing more harm than good. Obviously evidence I find questionable. But he finds evidence of covids effects questionable. This is an impossible argument to have.

And to the other pp who asked...yes it's not just covid. It's stop the steal, blm, LGBTQ, every hot controversial issue you can think of. We're on opposite ends. It's starting to extend to other vaccines too now.

What stops me from leaving is the kids. Will it be easier for me to leave yes. Will it be easier for them or easier for co-parenting? I don't see how.

The only thing I have left to say is--SOMEBODY has to be the adult and be the critical thinker. I know this is hard. This won't stop with the vaccine as you noted. So what are you going to do. Please don't let your kids model bad behaviors. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE.

[Anonymous]

On the kid thing, I cannot imagine how hard this. The fact is that I’m a liberal that married a Republican (who was very involved in his local party). I believed when I married him 15 years ago that even though our politics were different that our fundamental values were the same. I got VERY lucky and was right about this. He is so very angry about what his party has become and votes much more like I vote right now. That doesn’t mean he is as liberal as I am, but he also really thinks his party has jumped the shark and has lost their humanity.

Honestly, if I had been wrong, I think we would be divorced right now. But that is easy for me to say since I’m not living it. I think fundamentally I would not be able to keep my mouth shut to keep the peace - which would mean the kids would be in a fraught environment that would be bad for them. If you manage to stay silent to stay married, you are then going to have kids that don’t understand your values system at all.

[Anonymous]

You people are actually looney. Divorce is more threatening to the well-being of your children than either COVID or the vaccine, or any pet political hot topic du jour. Do not divorce. Do not split your family up. Let me be a voice of reason speaking to you, THAT IS LITERALLY A CRAZY DECISION. Holy sh*t!

[Anonymous]

OP, my stbx DH sounds similar. I filed recently-I feel like at least dc can live in a normal household 50% of the time with me.

My lawyer will also file a motion to let dc get vaccinated, after the divorce is final. I'm not local but where I am, lawyer says the judge will order vaccine, especially for a family that typically vaxxed.

After I filed, I felt SO MUCH relief! I'm not even mad at him anymore. And 18:56, guess what, we're still parents, still a family for the kids-we just won't be married and living in stress all the time.

[Anonymous]

I'm divorcing my anti-vax DH and fully prepared to file a court order to get vaccinated.

Maybe I missed it, but why isn't OP just getting her kids vaxxed on her own?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I'm real, this is real. Pp who said something about a misalignment of values... You're spot on. And the covid vaccine is one of them.

I can't and won't just take kids to get vaccinated on my own. It'd be like an act of war. I'd rather decide to divorce and do that before acting unilaterally because that's one of the things that's aggravating me about his decisions.

I personally do think he's gotten sucked into the conspiracy theories but of course he would say he's done his own research/financial interests mean the info we're getting is tainted/etc. He is smart, educated, intellectual. We just do not agree and have a hard time respecting each other's opinions, for obvious reasons... So how do you make a marriage like this work? Is it doomed not to?

No, it can't work. The issue isn't vaccines; it's that he's an oppositional, disagreeable person; or a person who cannot otherwise cope with the normal responsibilities and expecations of life. The two men I know who refuse to vax are this way.

And, your DH is operating unilaterally by refusing to vaccinate. Why can't you as well? Do you think he would hit you?