Married to an antivaxxer

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should check out the subreddit "QAnon Casualties". The vaccine and other issues of the past few years have destroyed many a marriage.

Thanks for the suggestion. It's horrifying but also makes me feel less alone. I've also heard side comments from therapists I reached out to about couples counseling that a lot of people are in similar shoes... unfortunately I don't know if anyone's figured out how to deal in a productive way...

Dang - I messed up the quotes the first time. Here's my post:

Let me know if you find out. My husband is allllmost the same, except not anti-vaxx. That would have likely been the final straw since my kids are teens/tweens and know about and want the vaccine.

And it's really been the last 5 years. Prior to that we might have disagreed on some policy issues, but now it's way beyond that. Divorce is on my mind very often. What has worked is him living elsewhere for work and for me really working to accept that a) we are on opposite sides of almost every political or social issue, b) that I don't understand it or how he has gotten there, and c) discussion is futile and refuse to engage. I don't know how long-term sustainable it is, but it's working for now.

How old are your kids and do they want to be vaccinated? If they do, then I think I'd insist that he have a discussion with the pediatrician.

Op here. Wish we could start a secret support group. This is very much me as well. My oldest is a teen and could get vaccinated but doesn't want to and parrots her father. I was very disappointed to end up in a fight with her about this and talking to the pediatrician sparked it. Yet no matter how much I dwell on what I should do and how much the impulsive tired side of me would like a divorce...I keep coming back to believing it would be better if I could figure out a way to make this work, and needing to push through. It is maddening and tiring and frustrating. But I can't bring myself to split time with the kids.

Wow---OP, I could be you, same story and I'm making the same compromise of my happiness because I really believe that for our family it will be better for the kids in the long run. Mine are all teens: one of my kids has always looked up to his dad and now does seem to believe the anitvaxx BS my husband is spewing, and I'm having a difficult time figuring out what to do about it. Like OP, I was thinking of having our pediatrician talk to him...but, now that OP shared this info, if it backfires the risk is his becoming more entrenched in the antivaxxer world and believing his dad over me/science/his friends/his doctor more and more. I really don't know how to approach this. I'm seeing a therapist and there are possibly significant downsides to every approach we discuss regarding this stubborn kid, so I feel paralyzed. At the therapist's recommendation I am taking a gentle approach to avoid alienating my son or making him choose -- which to him probably is not just vaccine/no vaccine, but fundamentally picking mom vs. dad. Let's just say that while this one of my kids and I love each other, talk often, spend a lot of time together, and generally have a close relationship, being completely honest I'm not confident he would pick me vs. my husband. It's so hard and I'm definitely in on the secret support group idea.

To the PPs who keep saying just vaccinate the kids already -- for older kids, if only it were that easy. A pediatrician will not forcibly vaccinate a teenager or older child who objects. Some teens really seem to love being oppositional, challenging established authority, etc. -- like my son -- and I think this is why he finds the antivaxx views attractive. Usually I use some kind of reverse psychology in other situations, which often works but not always, but I can't figure out how to do that here without running the risk of him actually believing that I have come over to my husband's side and am now an antivaxxer too! Argh.

[Anonymous]

It’s 4 am. Thought I read, I’m married to an avatar. Guess I did kind of….

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should check out the subreddit "QAnon Casualties". The vaccine and other issues of the past few years have destroyed many a marriage.

Thanks for the suggestion. It's horrifying but also makes me feel less alone. I've also heard side comments from therapists I reached out to about couples counseling that a lot of people are in similar shoes... unfortunately I don't know if anyone's figured out how to deal in a productive way...

Dang - I messed up the quotes the first time. Here's my post:

Let me know if you find out. My husband is allllmost the same, except not anti-vaxx. That would have likely been the final straw since my kids are teens/tweens and know about and want the vaccine.

And it's really been the last 5 years. Prior to that we might have disagreed on some policy issues, but now it's way beyond that. Divorce is on my mind very often. What has worked is him living elsewhere for work and for me really working to accept that a) we are on opposite sides of almost every political or social issue, b) that I don't understand it or how he has gotten there, and c) discussion is futile and refuse to engage. I don't know how long-term sustainable it is, but it's working for now.

How old are your kids and do they want to be vaccinated? If they do, then I think I'd insist that he have a discussion with the pediatrician.

Op here. Wish we could start a secret support group. This is very much me as well. My oldest is a teen and could get vaccinated but doesn't want to and parrots her father. I was very disappointed to end up in a fight with her about this and talking to the pediatrician sparked it. Yet no matter how much I dwell on what I should do and how much the impulsive tired side of me would like a divorce...I keep coming back to believing it would be better if I could figure out a way to make this work, and needing to push through. It is maddening and tiring and frustrating. But I can't bring myself to split time with the kids.

Wow---OP, I could be you, same story and I'm making the same compromise of my happiness because I really believe that for our family it will be better for the kids in the long run. Mine are all teens: one of my kids has always looked up to his dad and now does seem to believe the anitvaxx BS my husband is spewing, and I'm having a difficult time figuring out what to do about it. Like OP, I was thinking of having our pediatrician talk to him...but, now that OP shared this info, if it backfires the risk is his becoming more entrenched in the antivaxxer world and believing his dad over me/science/his friends/his doctor more and more. I really don't know how to approach this. I'm seeing a therapist and there are possibly significant downsides to every approach we discuss regarding this stubborn kid, so I feel paralyzed. At the therapist's recommendation I am taking a gentle approach to avoid alienating my son or making him choose -- which to him probably is not just vaccine/no vaccine, but fundamentally picking mom vs. dad. Let's just say that while this one of my kids and I love each other, talk often, spend a lot of time together, and generally have a close relationship, being completely honest I'm not confident he would pick me vs. my husband. It's so hard and I'm definitely in on the secret support group idea.

To the PPs who keep saying just vaccinate the kids already -- for older kids, if only it were that easy. A pediatrician will not forcibly vaccinate a teenager or older child who objects. Some teens really seem to love being oppositional, challenging established authority, etc. -- like my son -- and I think this is why he finds the antivaxx views attractive. Usually I use some kind of reverse psychology in other situations, which often works but not always, but I can't figure out how to do that here without running the risk of him actually believing that I have come over to my husband's side and am now an antivaxxer too! Argh.

Sorry you are going through the stress of this too (Op here). I'm sorry I have no advice for you. After the pediatrician debacle, I decided to drop the issue with my teen dd. Unfortunately I feel like it's beyond the realm of my influence now, and anything else I do would be construed as an attack. There are lots of consequences... college choices, extracurricular/volunteer opportunities, etc... But I can't budge her and dh will obviously be pleased to back her up. I take cold comfort in data showing kids aren't as likely to be affected/die. But I don't believe pushing the issue is helpful and I don't believe forcing it legally or whatever would be helpful either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should check out the subreddit "QAnon Casualties". The vaccine and other issues of the past few years have destroyed many a marriage.

Thanks for the suggestion. It's horrifying but also makes me feel less alone. I've also heard side comments from therapists I reached out to about couples counseling that a lot of people are in similar shoes... unfortunately I don't know if anyone's figured out how to deal in a productive way...

Dang - I messed up the quotes the first time. Here's my post:

Let me know if you find out. My husband is allllmost the same, except not anti-vaxx. That would have likely been the final straw since my kids are teens/tweens and know about and want the vaccine.

And it's really been the last 5 years. Prior to that we might have disagreed on some policy issues, but now it's way beyond that. Divorce is on my mind very often. What has worked is him living elsewhere for work and for me really working to accept that a) we are on opposite sides of almost every political or social issue, b) that I don't understand it or how he has gotten there, and c) discussion is futile and refuse to engage. I don't know how long-term sustainable it is, but it's working for now.

How old are your kids and do they want to be vaccinated? If they do, then I think I'd insist that he have a discussion with the pediatrician.

Op here. Wish we could start a secret support group. This is very much me as well. My oldest is a teen and could get vaccinated but doesn't want to and parrots her father. I was very disappointed to end up in a fight with her about this and talking to the pediatrician sparked it. Yet no matter how much I dwell on what I should do and how much the impulsive tired side of me would like a divorce...I keep coming back to believing it would be better if I could figure out a way to make this work, and needing to push through. It is maddening and tiring and frustrating. But I can't bring myself to split time with the kids.

Wow---OP, I could be you, same story and I'm making the same compromise of my happiness because I really believe that for our family it will be better for the kids in the long run. Mine are all teens: one of my kids has always looked up to his dad and now does seem to believe the anitvaxx BS my husband is spewing, and I'm having a difficult time figuring out what to do about it. Like OP, I was thinking of having our pediatrician talk to him...but, now that OP shared this info, if it backfires the risk is his becoming more entrenched in the antivaxxer world and believing his dad over me/science/his friends/his doctor more and more. I really don't know how to approach this. I'm seeing a therapist and there are possibly significant downsides to every approach we discuss regarding this stubborn kid, so I feel paralyzed. At the therapist's recommendation I am taking a gentle approach to avoid alienating my son or making him choose -- which to him probably is not just vaccine/no vaccine, but fundamentally picking mom vs. dad. Let's just say that while this one of my kids and I love each other, talk often, spend a lot of time together, and generally have a close relationship, being completely honest I'm not confident he would pick me vs. my husband. It's so hard and I'm definitely in on the secret support group idea.

To the PPs who keep saying just vaccinate the kids already -- for older kids, if only it were that easy. A pediatrician will not forcibly vaccinate a teenager or older child who objects. Some teens really seem to love being oppositional, challenging established authority, etc. -- like my son -- and I think this is why he finds the antivaxx views attractive. Usually I use some kind of reverse psychology in other situations, which often works but not always, but I can't figure out how to do that here without running the risk of him actually believing that I have come over to my husband's side and am now an antivaxxer too! Argh.

Sorry you are going through the stress of this too (Op here). I'm sorry I have no advice for you. After the pediatrician debacle, I decided to drop the issue with my teen dd. Unfortunately I feel like it's beyond the realm of my influence now, and anything else I do would be construed as an attack. There are lots of consequences... college choices, extracurricular/volunteer opportunities, etc... But I can't budge her and dh will obviously be pleased to back her up. I take cold comfort in data showing kids aren't as likely to be affected/die. But I don't believe pushing the issue is helpful and I don't believe forcing it legally or whatever would be helpful either.

Thanks OP, its PP and it is helpful just knowing that others are also dealing with a similar situation -- in the DMV area I feel pretty alone. Hopefully your DD will find something that she really, really wants to do (study abroad program has occurred to me) and will be incentivized to get vaccinated at some point.

I'm also thinking that I've lost so much love and respect for DH through this experience that, even if he miraculously comes to his senses about this issue, I might not be able to truly be happy with him again. It's pretty depressing so I try not to think of it, and focusing on the kids helps. Hugs and sympathy, and good luck with your DD and DH.

[Anonymous]

Take away your kids’ phoned and access to social media/YouTube. I guarantee they are consuming anti-vaxx and anti-authority propaganda on their phones. Your teens a literally being brainwashed by billionaires to be convinced to put their health at risk. You already lost your husbands to this garbage, but your kids are still impressionable and can change their minds. More books, less Facebook.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Take away your kids’ phoned and access to social media/YouTube. I guarantee they are consuming anti-vaxx and anti-authority propaganda on their phones. Your teens a literally being brainwashed by billionaires to be convinced to put their health at risk. You already lost your husbands to this garbage, but your kids are still impressionable and can change their minds. More books, less Facebook.

It is amazing how many people are skeptical of science while they hold little smartphones in their hands that are based on about 400 years of science. Do you think your phone just works by magic? No, it's SCIENCE that makes it work.

If you truly believe that science is just a hoax that somebody made up, prove it by giving up your phone, your computer, and any other modern technology that science brings to you. After you do that, then I will believe that your opposition to science is sincere. If you can't do that then you are just being an ignorant hypocrite.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I personally do think he's gotten sucked into the conspiracy theories but of course he would say he's done his own research/financial interests mean the info we're getting is tainted/etc.

Vaccines are not particularly profitable for the companies that make them. What profit is there is a medicine that you take once or twice in your life, vs other pills that you take every day for the rest of your life? The government has to encourage pharmaceutical companies to manufacture vaccines for the public good and indemnify them against the very rare complications that might occur, otherwise they would ignore vaccines and spend all of their money and effort developing diabetes medications and boner pills.

The propaganda against climate change is mostly driven by financial interests of the fossil fuel industry, but advice to get vaccinated is not driven by the financial interests of the pharmaceutical industry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should check out the subreddit "QAnon Casualties". The vaccine and other issues of the past few years have destroyed many a marriage.

Thanks for the suggestion. It's horrifying but also makes me feel less alone. I've also heard side comments from therapists I reached out to about couples counseling that a lot of people are in similar shoes... unfortunately I don't know if anyone's figured out how to deal in a productive way...

Dang - I messed up the quotes the first time. Here's my post:

Let me know if you find out. My husband is allllmost the same, except not anti-vaxx. That would have likely been the final straw since my kids are teens/tweens and know about and want the vaccine.

And it's really been the last 5 years. Prior to that we might have disagreed on some policy issues, but now it's way beyond that. Divorce is on my mind very often. What has worked is him living elsewhere for work and for me really working to accept that a) we are on opposite sides of almost every political or social issue, b) that I don't understand it or how he has gotten there, and c) discussion is futile and refuse to engage. I don't know how long-term sustainable it is, but it's working for now.

How old are your kids and do they want to be vaccinated? If they do, then I think I'd insist that he have a discussion with the pediatrician.

Op here. Wish we could start a secret support group. This is very much me as well. My oldest is a teen and could get vaccinated but doesn't want to and parrots her father. I was very disappointed to end up in a fight with her about this and talking to the pediatrician sparked it. Yet no matter how much I dwell on what I should do and how much the impulsive tired side of me would like a divorce...I keep coming back to believing it would be better if I could figure out a way to make this work, and needing to push through. It is maddening and tiring and frustrating. But I can't bring myself to split time with the kids.

Wow---OP, I could be you, same story and I'm making the same compromise of my happiness because I really believe that for our family it will be better for the kids in the long run. Mine are all teens: one of my kids has always looked up to his dad and now does seem to believe the anitvaxx BS my husband is spewing, and I'm having a difficult time figuring out what to do about it. Like OP, I was thinking of having our pediatrician talk to him...but, now that OP shared this info, if it backfires the risk is his becoming more entrenched in the antivaxxer world and believing his dad over me/science/his friends/his doctor more and more. I really don't know how to approach this. I'm seeing a therapist and there are possibly significant downsides to every approach we discuss regarding this stubborn kid, so I feel paralyzed. At the therapist's recommendation I am taking a gentle approach to avoid alienating my son or making him choose -- which to him probably is not just vaccine/no vaccine, but fundamentally picking mom vs. dad. Let's just say that while this one of my kids and I love each other, talk often, spend a lot of time together, and generally have a close relationship, being completely honest I'm not confident he would pick me vs. my husband. It's so hard and I'm definitely in on the secret support group idea.

To the PPs who keep saying just vaccinate the kids already -- for older kids, if only it were that easy. A pediatrician will not forcibly vaccinate a teenager or older child who objects. Some teens really seem to love being oppositional, challenging established authority, etc. -- like my son -- and I think this is why he finds the antivaxx views attractive. Usually I use some kind of reverse psychology in other situations, which often works but not always, but I can't figure out how to do that here without running the risk of him actually believing that I have come over to my husband's side and am now an antivaxxer too! Argh.

Sorry you are going through the stress of this too (Op here). I'm sorry I have no advice for you. After the pediatrician debacle, I decided to drop the issue with my teen dd. Unfortunately I feel like it's beyond the realm of my influence now, and anything else I do would be construed as an attack. There are lots of consequences... college choices, extracurricular/volunteer opportunities, etc... But I can't budge her and dh will obviously be pleased to back her up. I take cold comfort in data showing kids aren't as likely to be affected/die. But I don't believe pushing the issue is helpful and I don't believe forcing it legally or whatever would be helpful either.

Thanks OP, its PP and it is helpful just knowing that others are also dealing with a similar situation -- in the DMV area I feel pretty alone. Hopefully your DD will find something that she really, really wants to do (study abroad program has occurred to me) and will be incentivized to get vaccinated at some point.

I'm also thinking that I've lost so much love and respect for DH through this experience that, even if he miraculously comes to his senses about this issue, I might not be able to truly be happy with him again. It's pretty depressing so I try not to think of it, and focusing on the kids helps. Hugs and sympathy, and good luck with your DD and DH.

Good luck to you too. It is hard. I completely understand the feeling. I don't feel that I can talk to anyone about how to best navigate this excerpt for my therapist and even then it's not always helpful. I will say though, I've just recently decided to take a kind of radical (in my mind) last ditch approach to see if this marriage can be salvaged. In my case, I wrote off dh as crazy pretty early on when I started seeing his views shift. Its a natural inclination but I can see now how that likely was the start of the end for me. So if I can backtrack a bit and try to get back to a place of empathy and openness, and focus more on prioritizing him over politics/issues/perceptions of my peers, maybe I can better understand and respect him? Its the only thing I can think of, other than to stew and keep considering divorce, which isn't a great alternative. I do know my husband feels alone in his views and that makes him defensive and makes me dislike him more. Maybe this could break that cycle.