Middle School Halloween Drama

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MYOB. This is MS. Time for adults to stop social engineering. A kid who gets a pity invite will be ignored the entire time and the host will explain to desired guests “My mom MADE me invite her.”

Agree with this. The girls will also (unfortunately) text behind girl B's back about it.

Completely disagree. This is how the vicious circle of bit--y girl behavior continues.

If you're that good of friends with A's mom, then you bring it up with a "hey I'm concerned" and talk on the down low about it. If someone informed ME of that, I'd use this as an opportunity to speak to my kid about not being an asshat. Anyone who defends this behavior is just that.

I'd also speak to my OWN child. So that she can chime in in B's defense ("I'm fine with her coming with us.")

Kids need to be taught to be nice people at this age. So teach them.

I agree MS kids need more guidance and that we need to teach them to be nice, but I would be careful about the judgment here. We don’t actually know the reasons this girl wasn’t invited. It’s possible she was the one being unkind and the host needs a break and just doesn’t know how to handle it with tact. And maybe she IS trying to be kind by not blabbing about a conflict that occurred to the rest of the group - there could be a lot of scenarios here.

At the end of the day, it’s her guest list since she is the one hosting. And whether OP’s daughter decides to attend, and whether she decides to include girl B going forward in other events she does initiate or host, is of course up to her.

First of all, you're making assumptions about the excluded girl being mean or unkind. While certainly a possibility, that is not indicated by OP.

But even if this is the case, and the host needs a break, deliberately excluding the ONE girl is not giving her the break as it will just cause more problems. The more "big kid" thing to do would be invite her and then, if you have issues, deal with them after the fact. Have the conversation with the girl or SLOWLY start pulling back for a "break." Doing it in dramatic fashion on a special day, leaving the one girl hanging . . . . make is awkward for everyone, is mean, and will not have the desired effect of calming things down. It just won't. And OP's post is just the beginning of proving that point.

[Anonymous]

Something must have happened if girl b was being included up until now.
As a parent, I would want to know if my kid was excluding someone or if my kid was being excluded. I am 53 years old and still ask my parents for advice. I would not expect a tween to navigate this type of situation well.

[Anonymous]

Because you are good friends with girl B's mom, I would try to figure out a way to give her a heads up that girl A is hosting an event for some (but not all) of the girls in the group. You shouldn't get involved in who girl A invites.

That will give her a chance to talk to her DD in private and help her DD come up with alternate plans. As much as it would hurt to know my kid was being left out, I would appreciate a heads up from a friend so that my kid isn't blindsided. Girl B comes out of this much better if she knows ahead of time and can say, "oh, I already have plans with . . . ." even if it isn't true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This sucks. Halloween is a stressful social event for middle schoolers!!!! Lots of kids get left out of events and trick or treating groups. My daughter included.

No it's not. It's like every single other social event that's not arranged and managed by adults. It doesn't need to be such a big deal.

[Anonymous]

Let them figure it out on their own. Even though your daughter is invited, don't get involved in the group dynamics and let Girl A handle the fallout on her own. I always tell my daughter to stay out of things that don't involve her and it works. Had this been us, I'd tell my daughter to invite the entire group and not to exclude one kid, but this isn't your party so just don't get involved in the invites. Girl B will eventually find out she wasn't included and that's for A and B to deal with or A's mom and B's mom to deal with, but honestly at their age, the parents shouldn't even be getting involved. I think you're feeling some guilt since it sounds like you're friends with both A's and B's moms, but really it's between those two girls, not you and not your daughter. I personally wouldn't get involved or say anything and just let it go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MYOB. This is MS. Time for adults to stop social engineering. A kid who gets a pity invite will be ignored the entire time and the host will explain to desired guests “My mom MADE me invite her.”

Agree with this. The girls will also (unfortunately) text behind girl B's back about it.

Completely disagree. This is how the vicious circle of bit--y girl behavior continues.

If you're that good of friends with A's mom, then you bring it up with a "hey I'm concerned" and talk on the down low about it. If someone informed ME of that, I'd use this as an opportunity to speak to my kid about not being an asshat. Anyone who defends this behavior is just that.

I'd also speak to my OWN child. So that she can chime in in B's defense ("I'm fine with her coming with us.")

Kids need to be taught to be nice people at this age. So teach them.

+1

This. And maybe your daughter could go trick or treating with the left out one to show her solidarity? Or not, but it should be acknowledged that’s it’s rude and that she should stand up got her friends as necessary.

[Anonymous]

I guess I'm in the minority, but if I were A's mom I would want you to tell me so I could address it with my daughter. If B did something to her, fine, but if she's just being mean - no. I will not have that sh*t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why doesn’t your DD talk to the host child? Ask her specifically if she is excluding kid B? Then, make her decision about the party.

I agree. Girl and Mom A are perfectly entitled to invite whom they want. However, if you think girl and mom A are specifically excluding child B, knowing that child has expectations about the get together, and not clearing the air about who is invited (however hurtful that would be in the moment), I might also have my own kid bow out of the event to not be entangled.

That's a great way for OP's daughter to get uninvited and kicked out of the friend-group.

dp This is bystander talk and fear of being excluded if you stand up for doing the right thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let them figure it out on their own. Even though your daughter is invited, don't get involved in the group dynamics and let Girl A handle the fallout on her own. I always tell my daughter to stay out of things that don't involve her and it works. Had this been us, I'd tell my daughter to invite the entire group and not to exclude one kid, but this isn't your party so just don't get involved in the invites. Girl B will eventually find out she wasn't included and that's for A and B to deal with or A's mom and B's mom to deal with, but honestly at their age, the parents shouldn't even be getting involved. I think you're feeling some guilt since it sounds like you're friends with both A's and B's moms, but really it's between those two girls, not you and not your daughter. I personally wouldn't get involved or say anything and just let it go.

Easy for you to say "let it go" but when it is your daughter being excluded than I think you would think differently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This sucks. Halloween is a stressful social event for middle schoolers!!!! Lots of kids get left out of events and trick or treating groups. My daughter included.

+1. I'm sorry, PP. My DD was so excited to trick or treat this year and has no one to go with. She's reached to a few friends who have all said they have plans, but not one has invited her to join. She is friends with many, but best friends with no one, and times like this it sucks that DD doesn't have her own tight group of BFFs.

Yes, I’m the PP, and it’s the exact same for my daughter. 😞

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This sucks. Halloween is a stressful social event for middle schoolers!!!! Lots of kids get left out of events and trick or treating groups. My daughter included.

No it's not. It's like every single other social event that's not arranged and managed by adults. It doesn't need to be such a big deal.

What do you mean?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let them figure it out on their own. Even though your daughter is invited, don't get involved in the group dynamics and let Girl A handle the fallout on her own. I always tell my daughter to stay out of things that don't involve her and it works. Had this been us, I'd tell my daughter to invite the entire group and not to exclude one kid, but this isn't your party so just don't get involved in the invites. Girl B will eventually find out she wasn't included and that's for A and B to deal with or A's mom and B's mom to deal with, but honestly at their age, the parents shouldn't even be getting involved. I think you're feeling some guilt since it sounds like you're friends with both A's and B's moms, but really it's between those two girls, not you and not your daughter. I personally wouldn't get involved or say anything and just let it go.

Easy for you to say "let it go" but when it is your daughter being excluded than I think you would think differently.

My daughter doesn't get invited to every single thing. And yes, OP should let it go because it's not her daughter that is being excluded. She shouldn't get involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD’s friend (girl A) is organizing a Halloween event at her house. She is not including one girl (girl B) in their group. I am close friends with B’s mom, so while DD is not that close to her, I know that she is planning to spend Halloween with this group. I’m also friends with the mom of girl A who is organizing the event. Should I stay out of this or let A’s mom know? I believe she is just letting her daughter invite on text etc.and I don’t know if she’s even paying attention to who is invited. These are 7th graders, so I also know a pity invite would be awkward. But the girls hang out as a group regularly or have been, so she has always been included.

The kids all do activities together where they will see each other this weekend. I don’t like when kids do this sort of thing, especially when it’s something like Halloween and not some small gathering that’s just for close friends. It also puts me in an awkward place with B’s mom, because my DD is included. If B were her close friend, I would have her do something with her instead, but they’re not that close.

I should just mind my own business, right? It’s only by chance that I know both that Girl B isn’t invited (from my DD) and that she also plans to spend Halloween with this group (from B’s mom).

I would ask my daughter to bring it to A.
That way adults stay out of it but your daughter learn empathy even if she is not a close friend of B.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would stay out of it.

Welcome to middle school mean girls part 3 zillion. Let me guess— the girl getting excluded is prettier than the hosting girl and likely most of the group. Popular boy(s) like or have liked excluded girl or talk a lot of positive things about excluded girl to other boys and hosting girl. Or, excluded girl likes or is liked by a boy hosting girl has liked or likes.

Less than girls exclude girls like this in an attempt to bring them down. Didn’t work for my DD in MS. Despite being routinely excluded from bs like this she had friends outside of school and was able to navigate this tough time. Now in private school she’s thriving and the jealous and bitter girls that went to the local high school are still obsessed with her.

This will pass, but it’s hard. I’m sorry your daughter has to deal with this kind of pettiness.

Wow. I suggest, for the sake of your own social life, that you do not ever say any of this to anyone IRL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would stay out of it.

Welcome to middle school mean girls part 3 zillion. Let me guess— the girl getting excluded is prettier than the hosting girl and likely most of the group. Popular boy(s) like or have liked excluded girl or talk a lot of positive things about excluded girl to other boys and hosting girl. Or, excluded girl likes or is liked by a boy hosting girl has liked or likes.

Less than girls exclude girls like this in an attempt to bring them down. Didn’t work for my DD in MS. Despite being routinely excluded from bs like this she had friends outside of school and was able to navigate this tough time. Now in private school she’s thriving and the jealous and bitter girls that went to the local high school are still obsessed with her.

This will pass, but it’s hard. I’m sorry your daughter has to deal with this kind of pettiness.

Wow. I suggest, for the sake of your own social life, that you do not ever say any of this to anyone IRL.

You must be Mom of the mean girl.