Middle School Halloween Drama
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Anonymous
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DD’s friend (girl A) is organizing a Halloween event at her house. She is not including one girl (girl B) in their group. I am close friends with B’s mom, so while DD is not that close to her, I know that she is planning to spend Halloween with this group. I’m also friends with the mom of girl A who is organizing the event. Should I stay out of this or let A’s mom know? I believe she is just letting her daughter invite on text etc.and I don’t know if she’s even paying attention to who is invited. These are 7th graders, so I also know a pity invite would be awkward. But the girls hang out as a group regularly or have been, so she has always been included.
The kids all do activities together where they will see each other this weekend. I don’t like when kids do this sort of thing, especially when it’s something like Halloween and not some small gathering that’s just for close friends. It also puts me in an awkward place with B’s mom, because my DD is included. If B were her close friend, I would have her do something with her instead, but they’re not that close. I should just mind my own business, right? It’s only by chance that I know both that Girl B isn’t invited (from my DD) and that she also plans to spend Halloween with this group (from B’s mom). |
Anonymous
| MYOB. This is MS. Time for adults to stop social engineering. A kid who gets a pity invite will be ignored the entire time and the host will explain to desired guests “My mom MADE me invite her.” |
Anonymous
Agree with this. The girls will also (unfortunately) text behind girl B's back about it. |
Anonymous
But something needs to be done here. B believes she is invited and doesn’t know to make alternate plans. She’s probably planning a costume, etc. It might have even been an accident. OP is the only one who knows what’s happening. I think at the very least she needs to share her knowledge with both adults. And middle schoolers are still learning how to plan events. Mom needs to tell her she is ending a friend tic she leaves one person from the group out for Halloween. Coach her a bit. 12 year olds still need a lot of guidance. |
Anonymous
Completely disagree. This is how the vicious circle of bit--y girl behavior continues. If you're that good of friends with A's mom, then you bring it up with a "hey I'm concerned" and talk on the down low about it. If someone informed ME of that, I'd use this as an opportunity to speak to my kid about not being an asshat. Anyone who defends this behavior is just that. I'd also speak to my OWN child. So that she can chime in in B's defense ("I'm fine with her coming with us.") Kids need to be taught to be nice people at this age. So teach them. |
Anonymous
Only if YOU let them. You should be looking at texts and SM at this age. If not, you are failing as a parent. |
Anonymous
So much unnecessary drama and hurt feelings--I would say stay out of it, but by not informing girl b's mom, her DD is being set up for humiliation. It's kinder if she has some advance warning. I would not involve myself with girl A's mom on this one. |
Anonymous
+1 |
Anonymous
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Do you really know for sure that B isn’t invited? Are these girls so sophisticated as to give her a pretend invite and/or talk about plans around her at school and expect her to show up and then shun her? I have taught my kids since they were tiny that they don’t discuss plans that don’t include everyone (in their class/friend group or similar depending on their age) in public and especially at school. Surprised that B is in on these plans if she isn’t actually invited.
As someone who was bullied in MS and now as the parent of a middle school girl, I would probably ask my kid to make her own plans with B and others and avoid the group of mean girls entirely. Also, how many kids are we talking about? |
Anonymous
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Call/text mom A and say, "hey I'm not sure if you are aware but B is not invited, i thought it might be an oversight to I'm letting you know"
If she say "im letting the girls deal with it" you know A is part of the problem, if she says "oh thank i had not idea" you know A is a good person. It's important to know going into HS which moms are part of the problem. |
Anonymous
Disagree. Middle school is old enough to know right from wrong. There’s no way these kids don’t know they’re being asshats. They need to figure this stuff out on their own from here on out. A parent telling you you’re being a jerk doesn’t go nearly as far as other kids letting you know, and feeling the fallout of your actions. |
Anonymous
See if she said “I’m letting the girls handle it” I’d think that’s age appropriate and that mom is a solid parent and a good person. If she intervened at that age, she’s part of the problem. |
Anonymous
OP here - They aren’t doing all that. The girls aren’t talking about it with B, but I believe B and B’s mom just think no one has started talking about plans yet, not that things are already set up without her. It’s a group of about 10 girls. DD is just part of the invited group. It isn’t nice to not include people but I don’t know that I will ask her not to spend Halloween with her friends for this. Also, she’s not that close to girl B, so it would be weird for her to ask her to do something with just her. They are just in the same circle of friends. If I weren’t friends with B’s mom, I would not be aware of this issue at all, and it likely wouldn’t be on my radar that B isn’t included. |
Anonymous
I have a middle school girl, and I think sometimes they know when they’re asshats and sometimes they’re so egocentric and worried about their own popularity that they truly don’t realize that they’ve hurt someone. I do think the OP should say something. Kid B is going to show up uninvited and that’s mortifying! |
Anonymous
| Why doesn’t your DD talk to the host child? Ask her specifically if she is excluding kid B? Then, make her decision about the party. |