Middle School Halloween Drama

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Social etiquette should be taught to kids when they are little at school on upwards along with anger management along with bullying. Group Home parties shouldn’t be encouraged unless a classroom, special project, sports or hobby team gathering. This would cut bullshit out.

If you don't let kids have friends they won't have drama over friends

Just because you have no friends, don’t punish your kids by not letting me hem have friends. I hope you don’t actually have kids.

I was being sarcastic

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you really know for sure that B isn’t invited? Are these girls so sophisticated as to give her a pretend invite and/or talk about plans around her at school and expect her to show up and then shun her? I have taught my kids since they were tiny that they don’t discuss plans that don’t include everyone (in their class/friend group or similar depending on their age) in public and especially at school. Surprised that B is in on these plans if she isn’t actually invited.

As someone who was bullied in MS and now as the parent of a middle school girl, I would probably ask my kid to make her own plans with B and others and avoid the group of mean girls entirely.

Also, how many kids are we talking about?

OP here - They aren’t doing all that. The girls aren’t talking about it with B, but I believe B and B’s mom just think no one has started talking about plans yet, not that things are already set up without her. It’s a group of about 10 girls. DD is just part of the invited group. It isn’t nice to not include people but I don’t know that I will ask her not to spend Halloween with her friends for this. Also, she’s not that close to girl B, so it would be weird for her to ask her to do something with just her. They are just in the same circle of friends. If I weren’t friends with B’s mom, I would not be aware of this issue at all, and it likely wouldn’t be on my radar that B isn’t included.

I am the mom of the girl who wasn't invited, not literally but almost this exact thing happened to DD. I would have really appreciated the heads up. It was really humiliating for DD and in the end we don't know what happened. DD still hangs out with the same group. I suspect the host's mom is a b--- and dislikes me or DD for some reason and she dislikes us enough to do this type of thing. DD is the only minority girl in the group. Everyone else is white.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m reading through this thread and I can’t help but wonder if the one defensive poster who lashes out at anyone who disagrees with her is the OP. I’m wondering if perhaps her daughter was excluded from the party and there is no friend. I suspect she’s on here attempting to gain some perspective on how to handle this situation for her daughter. It’s seems a bit codependent. As if the Mom is internalizing this situation as if it’s happening to her instead of her daughter.

+1

Interesting.

OP here. The only comment I’ve written is the one on the first page where I identified myself. So that’s not me. I talked to DD. She doesn’t really know why she’s not included or doesn’t want to share. She doesn’t seem to think multiple people don’t want her included. I’m going to just ask friend A if she is including everyone in the group (who will be together earlier in the day for their joint activity) and go from there. Of course, I’ve been stressing about this, and by this point, who knows what has transpired between these girls. B might now know what’s going on.

NP. OP, I think if you are really friend's with girl A's mom, I would be even more direct and tell her you heard that B was not invited and ask her what was up. If I were A's mom I would definitely want to know. Although there could be some situations where I would understand why, I would not be afraid to "force an invite" (as A's mom...obviously you cannot force anything). And my child would understand that being an a-hole about said invite was also not acceptable. It's weird to me how many parents on here feel like their daughters are free to act like dick$ but there is nothing they can do about it?

I would be so upset if my child did not invite one person in a group that hangs out. and I would never model this for her by excluding someone who is part of the friend group. What a piece of trash.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m reading through this thread and I can’t help but wonder if the one defensive poster who lashes out at anyone who disagrees with her is the OP. I’m wondering if perhaps her daughter was excluded from the party and there is no friend. I suspect she’s on here attempting to gain some perspective on how to handle this situation for her daughter. It’s seems a bit codependent. As if the Mom is internalizing this situation as if it’s happening to her instead of her daughter.

+1

Interesting.

OP here. The only comment I’ve written is the one on the first page where I identified myself. So that’s not me. I talked to DD. She doesn’t really know why she’s not included or doesn’t want to share. She doesn’t seem to think multiple people don’t want her included. I’m going to just ask friend A if she is including everyone in the group (who will be together earlier in the day for their joint activity) and go from there. Of course, I’ve been stressing about this, and by this point, who knows what has transpired between these girls. B might now know what’s going on.

NP. OP, I think if you are really friend's with girl A's mom, I would be even more direct and tell her you heard that B was not invited and ask her what was up. If I were A's mom I would definitely want to know. Although there could be some situations where I would understand why, I would not be afraid to "force an invite" (as A's mom...obviously you cannot force anything). And my child would understand that being an a-hole about said invite was also not acceptable. It's weird to me how many parents on here feel like their daughters are free to act like dick$ but there is nothing they can do about it?

I would be so upset if my child did not invite one person in a group that hangs out. and I would never model this for her by excluding someone who is part of the friend group. What a piece of trash.

I agree with the above 2 pp’s. Unless B had been purposefully really mean to my DD, I would insist we invite her. But also we discuss the invite list ahead of time and discuss things like if you invite friend X you will need to invite friend Y, etc. This is just basic hostess etiquette and how I was raised. If Mom A was truly my friend I would give her the heads up and at least give her a chance to rectify it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m reading through this thread and I can’t help but wonder if the one defensive poster who lashes out at anyone who disagrees with her is the OP. I’m wondering if perhaps her daughter was excluded from the party and there is no friend. I suspect she’s on here attempting to gain some perspective on how to handle this situation for her daughter. It’s seems a bit codependent. As if the Mom is internalizing this situation as if it’s happening to her instead of her daughter.

+1

Interesting.

OP here. The only comment I’ve written is the one on the first page where I identified myself. So that’s not me. I talked to DD. She doesn’t really know why she’s not included or doesn’t want to share. She doesn’t seem to think multiple people don’t want her included. I’m going to just ask friend A if she is including everyone in the group (who will be together earlier in the day for their joint activity) and go from there. Of course, I’ve been stressing about this, and by this point, who knows what has transpired between these girls. B might now know what’s going on.

NP. OP, I think if you are really friend's with girl A's mom, I would be even more direct and tell her you heard that B was not invited and ask her what was up. If I were A's mom I would definitely want to know. Although there could be some situations where I would understand why, I would not be afraid to "force an invite" (as A's mom...obviously you cannot force anything). And my child would understand that being an a-hole about said invite was also not acceptable. It's weird to me how many parents on here feel like their daughters are free to act like dick$ but there is nothing they can do about it?

I would be so upset if my child did not invite one person in a group that hangs out. and I would never model this for her by excluding someone who is part of the friend group. What a piece of trash.

I agree with the above 2 pp’s. Unless B had been purposefully really mean to my DD, I would insist we invite her. But also we discuss the invite list ahead of time and discuss things like if you invite friend X you will need to invite friend Y, etc. This is just basic hostess etiquette and how I was raised. If Mom A was truly my friend I would give her the heads up and at least give her a chance to rectify it.

+3

[Anonymous]

Tricky. Is b not friends with these girls or just not friends with the girl having the party? Sometimes friend groups break up and parents don’t realize it and keep pushing them together. It never ends well. In this scenario try to get B invited as casually and as unobtrusively as you can without being pushy. Maybe ask Mom of A casually if B is invited because you need to carpool? I had someone do that to me once and it was smart way of asking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tricky. Is b not friends with these girls or just not friends with the girl having the party? Sometimes friend groups break up and parents don’t realize it and keep pushing them together. It never ends well. In this scenario try to get B invited as casually and as unobtrusively as you can without being pushy. Maybe ask Mom of A casually if B is invited because you need to carpool? I had someone do that to me once and it was smart way of asking.

Whatever you do try not to let B be without plans. It happened to us once because my kid got ditched for better plans and it was the worst thing ever. So if you can be part of the solution in making sure this doesn’t happen to another kid then try to creatively and in a nice non pushy way help B.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you really know for sure that B isn’t invited? Are these girls so sophisticated as to give her a pretend invite and/or talk about plans around her at school and expect her to show up and then shun her? I have taught my kids since they were tiny that they don’t discuss plans that don’t include everyone (in their class/friend group or similar depending on their age) in public and especially at school. Surprised that B is in on these plans if she isn’t actually invited.

As someone who was bullied in MS and now as the parent of a middle school girl, I would probably ask my kid to make her own plans with B and others and avoid the group of mean girls entirely.

Also, how many kids are we talking about?

OP here - They aren’t doing all that. The girls aren’t talking about it with B, but I believe B and B’s mom just think no one has started talking about plans yet, not that things are already set up without her. It’s a group of about 10 girls. DD is just part of the invited group. It isn’t nice to not include people but I don’t know that I will ask her not to spend Halloween with her friends for this. Also, she’s not that close to girl B, so it would be weird for her to ask her to do something with just her. They are just in the same circle of friends. If I weren’t friends with B’s mom, I would not be aware of this issue at all, and it likely wouldn’t be on my radar that B isn’t included.

I am the mom of the girl who wasn't invited, not literally but almost this exact thing happened to DD. I would have really appreciated the heads up. It was really humiliating for DD and in the end we don't know what happened. DD still hangs out with the same group. I suspect the host's mom is a b--- and dislikes me or DD for some reason and she dislikes us enough to do this type of thing. DD is the only minority girl in the group. Everyone else is white.

That is awful. So Sorry for your DD. That sucks.

The race piece in social exclusion is so complicated in our experience. My DD of color has been pointedly excluded from Halloween party and joint costume theme by friend group who are girls of color (African American, LatinX and biracial) and also proudly on the GTLBQ spectrum. They have been a collective self-righteous, judgmental, unpleasant nightmare and bond over disliking whomever the duplicitous ringleader smilingly instructs them to blackball -/ all while acting as if their identity politics affords them carte blanches to be unkind and feel morally superior at same time. That goes with the age I guess. Thankfully, DD is resilient and happy to not be invited as she knows she would not enjoy spending time with them and considers them followers rather than doers. She is making new more positive friends now (mostly girls of color and not as obsessed by gender bender labels).

I hope your DD makes new friends who appreciate her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tricky. Is b not friends with these girls or just not friends with the girl having the party? Sometimes friend groups break up and parents don’t realize it and keep pushing them together. It never ends well. In this scenario try to get B invited as casually and as unobtrusively as you can without being pushy. Maybe ask Mom of A casually if B is invited because you need to carpool? I had someone do that to me once and it was smart way of asking.

+1 smart

[Anonymous]

This.
https://community.today.com/parentingteam/post/being-left-out-hurts-lets-stop-social-engineering-now

Moms we need to step up and not allow this stuff to go on. Stick up for these kids and other parents when they can't.

[Anonymous]

My kids have excluded one child now and then for a variety of reasons, including:

The non-invited child did not get along with one or more guests.

Non-invited child acted immaturely at a previous gathering (running around, tagging other boys until a picture frame was broken).

Non-invited child acted too maturely at a previous gathering (asking DD to turn on an inappropriate movie).

Non-invited child was not picked up in a timely fashion more than once.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m reading through this thread and I can’t help but wonder if the one defensive poster who lashes out at anyone who disagrees with her is the OP. I’m wondering if perhaps her daughter was excluded from the party and there is no friend. I suspect she’s on here attempting to gain some perspective on how to handle this situation for her daughter. It’s seems a bit codependent. As if the Mom is internalizing this situation as if it’s happening to her instead of her daughter.

+1

Interesting.

OP here. The only comment I’ve written is the one on the first page where I identified myself. So that’s not me. I talked to DD. She doesn’t really know why she’s not included or doesn’t want to share. She doesn’t seem to think multiple people don’t want her included. I’m going to just ask friend A if she is including everyone in the group (who will be together earlier in the day for their joint activity) and go from there. Of course, I’ve been stressing about this, and by this point, who knows what has transpired between these girls. B might now know what’s going on.

NP. OP, I think if you are really friend's with girl A's mom, I would be even more direct and tell her you heard that B was not invited and ask her what was up. If I were A's mom I would definitely want to know. Although there could be some situations where I would understand why, I would not be afraid to "force an invite" (as A's mom...obviously you cannot force anything). And my child would understand that being an a-hole about said invite was also not acceptable. It's weird to me how many parents on here feel like their daughters are free to act like dick$ but there is nothing they can do about it?

I would be so upset if my child did not invite one person in a group that hangs out. and I would never model this for her by excluding someone who is part of the friend group. What a piece of trash.

I agree with the above 2 pp’s. Unless B had been purposefully really mean to my DD, I would insist we invite her. But also we discuss the invite list ahead of time and discuss things like if you invite friend X you will need to invite friend Y, etc. This is just basic hostess etiquette and how I was raised. If Mom A was truly my friend I would give her the heads up and at least give her a chance to rectify it.

This is exactly what OP doesn’t know, and why people shouldn’t be so judgmental without knowing the full story.
OP this mom is your friend, agree with your update, just give her a call and ask what’s up.

[Anonymous]

Adding on OP, another thing to discuss with your child is that even if those other two girls don’t get along anymore, that doesn’t mean your daughter can’t be friends with both. It’s tricky to navigate, but totally ok to be friends with people who have fallen out between each other. You can invite girls to your home separately, invite the entire group and leave it up to A and B to accept/decline that invite. But you don’t need to ask permission from a friend to maintain a friendship with another!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kids have excluded one child now and then for a variety of reasons, including:

The non-invited child did not get along with one or more guests.

Non-invited child acted immaturely at a previous gathering (running around, tagging other boys until a picture frame was broken).

Non-invited child acted too maturely at a previous gathering (asking DD to turn on an inappropriate movie).

Non-invited child was not picked up in a timely fashion more than once.

My DD has been excluded from gatherings and parties of her friend group at one particular family's house. There is a group of about 6-7 friends who hang out all the time and each time the invites come she's the only one who is left out. She has never been invited there once over several years of continuous friendships. The child is happy to come to our house and does so regularly. They live in the same neighborhood so she can walk over. No idea what's up with that family but the other parents of the friends have mentioned it several times wondering what is up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kids have excluded one child now and then for a variety of reasons, including:

The non-invited child did not get along with one or more guests.

Non-invited child acted immaturely at a previous gathering (running around, tagging other boys until a picture frame was broken).

Non-invited child acted too maturely at a previous gathering (asking DD to turn on an inappropriate movie).

Non-invited child was not picked up in a timely fashion more than once.

Do you really mean excluded or just not invited? There's a difference in what people are talking about. If you have 5 girls who are all close friends and you just don't invite one no matter what that's just bad manners.