Friends who cannot seem to get away - what gives?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Putting an infant and toddler to bed is not easy. I don’t want to do it by myself, and I don’t like to force my husband to do it by himself. It’s a lot of hassle for a friend date that can happen at so many other times - brunch, happy hour, early dinner, etc etc.

Plus agree with others I’m fried at the end of the day and just want to stretch, shower, watch TV. Going out with a friend on a weekday evening just does not recharge my batteries.

Also, we are on a tight budget and I like to save restaurant-meal money for going out with my husband. I’d rather just do something cheaper with a friend.

[Anonymous]

I agree about not wanting to lose limited hours with my kids when they were babies/toddlers. In addition, when they were in bed and asleep, that was time my husband and I enjoyed together, just relaxing and talking. I preferred to be with my husband than to go out in the evening.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Putting an infant and toddler to bed is not easy. I don’t want to do it by myself, and I don’t like to force my husband to do it by himself. It’s a lot of hassle for a friend date that can happen at so many other times - brunch, happy hour, early dinner, etc etc.

Plus agree with others I’m fried at the end of the day and just want to stretch, shower, watch TV. Going out with a friend on a weekday evening just does not recharge my batteries.

+1 it’s not that my husband can’t do it, it’s that we both try not to leave the other one having to do it when we can because it kind of sucks when you have an infant and preschooler and are trying to do both. He also doesn’t leave me during that time unless it’s really necessary because again, it would be hard and is much more enjoyable to do together. I’m usually down to go somewhere at 7:30, that way the infant is at least down - of course one of us can finish up the preschooler on our own. But to be honest, I’m an early to bed person so yeah my preference would be a brunch on a weekend or lunch! It’s not because I’m stifled, just different people are different. I’ve been like that since college. Partied plenty but many nights I would legit by in bed by 10:30 even as a college student haha (now it’s more like 9:30!). And to add to it, my baby still wakes 1-2 times a night (he has a hx of feeding issues so it’s not something the pediatrician recommends changing right now due to weight issues so no, again not a martyr- just everyone has to manage their own issues) so if I go out later evening, by the time I’m back, get in bed, fall asleep, I don’t get a good chunk of sleep before the baby wakes. Husband can take the feed but yeah it still just throws me off.

[Anonymous]

If they are truly your friend, you respect where they are in life and what they can/cannot do. I am a mom of two young kids and I have close friends from all seasons of my life. Keeping up my friendships is very important to me, but I know some people have very few close friends or don't keep in touch with them. Some of my friends are never available on weekends because they have tons of kids activities. Some like to get together for happy hour only. Some would rather brunch. If you want to keep up your friendships, meet your friends where they are in life right now. If that is too much of a burden for you, then maybe let the friendship go for a while.

[Anonymous]

Because way too many women these days are mommy martyrs and no longer have an identity outside of motherhood. It's sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because way too many women these days are mommy martyrs and no longer have an identity outside of motherhood. It's sad.

Why does going out to dinner with a friend have to be part of your identity? Because all the Sex and the City girls are always going out together so every woman has to do that?

[Anonymous]

Another factor nobody mentioned is that it's not college or grad school where we all live in apartments walking distance from the same campus anymore. I live in the same town as only two of my friends, a male work friend and my husband's childhood best friend. All of my female friends are scattered from DC and the inner suburbs, to Ellicott City and Annapolis, to Waldorf, to Alexandria. It's really not worth it to drive for an hour or two for dinner or drinks with these distances, knowing you have to drive home at night and still be up in the middle of the night with a baby. We do daytime hangouts where we can spend longer together and sometimes bring kids, or we save it for special occasions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because way too many women these days are mommy martyrs and no longer have an identity outside of motherhood. It's sad.

Why does going out to dinner with a friend have to be part of your identity? Because all the Sex and the City girls are always going out together so every woman has to do that?

No -- I think the point the poster was (admittedly, inelegantly) trying to make is that many moms make themselves out to be more frazzled than they really are, like dinner/bedtime is some kind of circus. Unless your toddler/infant is destroying the house, shrieking, and lighting fires in the playroom, what can't be handled by one person for one night while you nourish an adult friendship?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree about not wanting to lose limited hours with my kids when they were babies/toddlers. In addition, when they were in bed and asleep, that was time my husband and I enjoyed together, just relaxing and talking. I preferred to be with my husband than to go out in the evening.

This post is going to sound judgy because it's typed and not spoken, but: Don't you ever get tired of only talking to your husband? What about talking to a friend?
I love my spouse but he cannot fulfill all of my social needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because way too many women these days are mommy martyrs and no longer have an identity outside of motherhood. It's sad.

Why does going out to dinner with a friend have to be part of your identity? Because all the Sex and the City girls are always going out together so every woman has to do that?

No -- I think the point the poster was (admittedly, inelegantly) trying to make is that many moms make themselves out to be more frazzled than they really are, like dinner/bedtime is some kind of circus. Unless your toddler/infant is destroying the house, shrieking, and lighting fires in the playroom, what can't be handled by one person for one night while you nourish an adult friendship?

Why can't I "nourish an adult friendship" in a way that's convenient for me and is actually restorative and fun? Brunch, coffee, happy hour - those all sound fun to me. A dinner out because that's what my friend is insisting we do? No, that's not "nourishing" to me. That's a demanding friend who is sapping my energy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because way too many women these days are mommy martyrs and no longer have an identity outside of motherhood. It's sad.

Why does going out to dinner with a friend have to be part of your identity? Because all the Sex and the City girls are always going out together so every woman has to do that?

No -- I think the point the poster was (admittedly, inelegantly) trying to make is that many moms make themselves out to be more frazzled than they really are, like dinner/bedtime is some kind of circus. Unless your toddler/infant is destroying the house, shrieking, and lighting fires in the playroom, what can't be handled by one person for one night while you nourish an adult friendship?

Why can't I "nourish an adult friendship" in a way that's convenient for me and is actually restorative and fun? Brunch, coffee, happy hour - those all sound fun to me. A dinner out because that's what my friend is insisting we do? No, that's not "nourishing" to me. That's a demanding friend who is sapping my energy.

The original post wasn't about dinner - it just said "evening," which I assume includes happy hour.

[Anonymous]

I feel like women who call other moms "martyrs" because they won't do very specific social things - dinner out! girls night at the club! weekends in vegas! - are not all that different from frat guy who can't let the lifestyle go when they become husbands/fathers. There is more than one way to socialize and have a friendship. If you insist on doing an evening dinner, you're the one being inflexible and "clinging to a routine."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel like women who call other moms "martyrs" because they won't do very specific social things - dinner out! girls night at the club! weekends in vegas! - are not all that different from frat guy who can't let the lifestyle go when they become husbands/fathers. There is more than one way to socialize and have a friendship. If you insist on doing an evening dinner, you're the one being inflexible and "clinging to a routine."

I agree, although I think we all know moms who fall off the face of the earth once they have kids and let friendships fizzle, tethered to being with their kids 24/7 because they're so overwhelmed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because way too many women these days are mommy martyrs and no longer have an identity outside of motherhood. It's sad.

Why does going out to dinner with a friend have to be part of your identity? Because all the Sex and the City girls are always going out together so every woman has to do that?

No -- I think the point the poster was (admittedly, inelegantly) trying to make is that many moms make themselves out to be more frazzled than they really are, like dinner/bedtime is some kind of circus. Unless your toddler/infant is destroying the house, shrieking, and lighting fires in the playroom, what can't be handled by one person for one night while you nourish an adult friendship?

Why can't I "nourish an adult friendship" in a way that's convenient for me and is actually restorative and fun? Brunch, coffee, happy hour - those all sound fun to me. A dinner out because that's what my friend is insisting we do? No, that's not "nourishing" to me. That's a demanding friend who is sapping my energy.

The original post wasn't about dinner - it just said "evening," which I assume includes happy hour.

OP wants people to skip their kids dinner, bath, and bedtime to hang out with her. I can do happy hour at 5 and be home for bath and bedtime. I don't think that's what OP is talking about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because way too many women these days are mommy martyrs and no longer have an identity outside of motherhood. It's sad.

Why does going out to dinner with a friend have to be part of your identity? Because all the Sex and the City girls are always going out together so every woman has to do that?

No -- I think the point the poster was (admittedly, inelegantly) trying to make is that many moms make themselves out to be more frazzled than they really are, like dinner/bedtime is some kind of circus. Unless your toddler/infant is destroying the house, shrieking, and lighting fires in the playroom, what can't be handled by one person for one night while you nourish an adult friendship?

Why can't I "nourish an adult friendship" in a way that's convenient for me and is actually restorative and fun? Brunch, coffee, happy hour - those all sound fun to me. A dinner out because that's what my friend is insisting we do? No, that's not "nourishing" to me. That's a demanding friend who is sapping my energy.

The original post wasn't about dinner - it just said "evening," which I assume includes happy hour.

OP wants people to skip their kids dinner, bath, and bedtime to hang out with her. I can do happy hour at 5 and be home for bath and bedtime. I don't think that's what OP is talking about.

But...why can't you skip dinner once in a blue moon? What is happening at toddler dinnertime that's pivotal? I know plenty of mothers of young kids who eat out with friends every so often.