How to handle this resentment?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think OP is getting some really horrible, misplaced shaming from posters who are clearly projecting their own issues onto OP's situation.

It's obvious that the SC has a credibility problem and she learned it from her biomom. OP is in an impossible situation. It sounds like this would have happened to any woman who married into this family and there is nothing that OP could have done differently.

The real question to OP is, do you want and need to stay in this toxic family that you married into? If so, I think you need to stay disengaged from from you SC indefinitely, and bring your DH to counseling with you to help him understand why. Given the accusations your SC has made against you in the past, you're damned if you do, damned if you don't. You are under no obligation to have anything more than a polite, distant relationship with her when you are forced to be in the same room. Nothing more.

At least OP asked about getting help.
You, on the other hand, are a horrible person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There’s rape and there’s consensual sex there’s no non-consensual sex

True and the stepchild is suffering immensely. But OP has also been living through hell. This is a difficult situation for ALL involved.

It being difficult for everyone was not the point of my comment. But we’re talking adults and kids and the KID was raped and then have the nerve to wonder about the freaking trauma that ensued give me a break.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you should see someone to address your deep lack of empathy and compassion. By your own account, your stepdaughter went through a traumatic childhood. She may have mental health issues of her own that it doesn’t sound like anyone bothered to investigate and treat. She was raped. And on top of it she has to deal with a stepmother who resents the fact that she won’t disappear from the earth (and I guarantee, you are not hiding that from her nearly as well as you would like to think). You are part of the reason the family dynamic is such a mess. Fix your own shit before dating to pass judgment on others for theirs.

I’m sure OP would have more sympathy if the SC hadn’t tried to put OP in jail!

As an outsider, I do feel bad for the SC. It’s not OP’s fault, but I’m sure growing up in a broken home was not great for the SC. OP, you should definitely go to therapy to figure out how to deal with your DH pushing the relationship on you. You want to maintain your boundaries but also not resent your DH.

If SC had not tried to put OP in jail would OP at least be able to acknowledge that SC was raped?

OP here—SC has major credibility issues and lacks moral compass. SC ended up filing a police report only after relationship was ended by the other individual claiming rape. The county wanted to take the report further and prosecute the alleged rapist, but SC didn’t want to go through with it. If someone would attempt to rape me, I would file charges and will seek prosecution. SC was upset with school reading her Google docs, but she didn’t even acknowledged me being falsely accused. Does this help?

As someone who was assaulted, this all sounds incredibly naive. There are a lot of different reasons why an individual might not want to pursue prosecution. I didn’t and your SC doesn’t need to justify her decision either. It’s quite possible she didn’t feel supported enough, especially given her family history.

+1000000 i would like to personally assure you OP that you have no idea whether you’d file charges after being assaulted or not.
Took me 15 years to even start talking about what happened to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you should see someone to address your deep lack of empathy and compassion. By your own account, your stepdaughter went through a traumatic childhood. She may have mental health issues of her own that it doesn’t sound like anyone bothered to investigate and treat. She was raped. And on top of it she has to deal with a stepmother who resents the fact that she won’t disappear from the earth (and I guarantee, you are not hiding that from her nearly as well as you would like to think). You are part of the reason the family dynamic is such a mess. Fix your own shit before dating to pass judgment on others for theirs.

1000% agree. OP, you should’ve never married a man if you’re in capable of empathy towards another person‘s child. My heart goes out to the child that has to deal with you day in and day out.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like OP had a lot of empathy for his child, who responded by turning OP into CPS. We can all empathize with the child, but OP needs to protect herself, too. If OP were my friend, I’d tell her to disengage and keep her distance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you should see someone to address your deep lack of empathy and compassion. By your own account, your stepdaughter went through a traumatic childhood. She may have mental health issues of her own that it doesn’t sound like anyone bothered to investigate and treat. She was raped. And on top of it she has to deal with a stepmother who resents the fact that she won’t disappear from the earth (and I guarantee, you are not hiding that from her nearly as well as you would like to think). You are part of the reason the family dynamic is such a mess. Fix your own shit before dating to pass judgment on others for theirs.

I’m sure OP would have more sympathy if the SC hadn’t tried to put OP in jail!

As an outsider, I do feel bad for the SC. It’s not OP’s fault, but I’m sure growing up in a broken home was not great for the SC. OP, you should definitely go to therapy to figure out how to deal with your DH pushing the relationship on you. You want to maintain your boundaries but also not resent your DH.

If SC had not tried to put OP in jail would OP at least be able to acknowledge that SC was raped?

Can you not read? SC has lied about many things, so OP isn't even sure if she's telling the truth about it or is just making it up again. You're hung up on this. Get your own therapy. JFC.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like OP had a lot of empathy for his child, who responded by turning OP into CPS. We can all empathize with the child, but OP needs to protect herself, too. If OP were my friend, I’d tell her to disengage and keep her distance.

You would be a sh***y friend. Tell her that they all need to be family counseling that’s what a good friend would do.
And the daughter didn’t turn her into CPS the teachers went into her Google docs found the stuff and mandatory reporters turn OP in.
Can you read?
And since you are so bright and brilliant if this had been the posters biological child who was acting out so destructively how would you advise her then?

[Anonymous]

When CPS gets involved with a family, there is the potential for OP’s bio child to be removed from the home if CPS thinks the home is not a safe place. I would feel the same way OP does about the SC. OP, your first order of business is to protect your child. Keeping SC at arms length until she’s on her feet is what I would do. Be kind and civil, but you’re not under any obligation to force a relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, as someone who works in adolescent psych, your feelings are pretty normal at this point. You are dealing with a deeply traumatized child who is making terrible decisions (because of their trauma) and ending up even more traumatized. The child is acting out their trauma in a lot of ways, and some of them are aimed at you. She's not your child, so of course you're resenting it. (Birth parents are often resentful of that kind of behavior, too, and they're often responsible for the original trauma.)

Therapy is a good idea. It will help you process the resentment so that you can feel more at peace. It will help you brainstorm ideas how to remain safe while living in this extended family It will help you learn how and why this child (young adult) is acting out this way. It will help you decide if you want to stay in this family/marriage.

Good luck. These kids are rough to deal with.

+1. Why should OP be expected to have a bottomless well of sympathy for a SC that caused so many problems? She's only human. I
would be resentful too, especially if the SC's behavior impacted her other children.

The OP chose to marry into this family. Knowing that the child had already experienced a divorce and some very serious allegations by her mother, OP should have known that trauma was a possibility and that trauma can cause serious problems with adolescents. If OP didn't think this could happen, that's on OP. Because she had a choice whether to join this family.

So, even with the history, I doubt OP could have predicted that the SC would make fake abuse allegations against her. Yes, OP could(or should) have known that the child had been through some trauma, but we have no idea what the OP's spouse was sharing or not sharing at the time. No one goes into a step situation expecting roses, but one certainly doesn't go into it expecting fake CPS allegations!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, as someone who works in adolescent psych, your feelings are pretty normal at this point. You are dealing with a deeply traumatized child who is making terrible decisions (because of their trauma) and ending up even more traumatized. The child is acting out their trauma in a lot of ways, and some of them are aimed at you. She's not your child, so of course you're resenting it. (Birth parents are often resentful of that kind of behavior, too, and they're often responsible for the original trauma.)

Therapy is a good idea. It will help you process the resentment so that you can feel more at peace. It will help you brainstorm ideas how to remain safe while living in this extended family It will help you learn how and why this child (young adult) is acting out this way. It will help you decide if you want to stay in this family/marriage.

Good luck. These kids are rough to deal with.

+1. Why should OP be expected to have a bottomless well of sympathy for a SC that caused so many problems? She's only human. I
would be resentful too, especially if the SC's behavior impacted her other children.

The OP chose to marry into this family. Knowing that the child had already experienced a divorce and some very serious allegations by her mother, OP should have known that trauma was a possibility and that trauma can cause serious problems with adolescents. If OP didn't think this could happen, that's on OP. Because she had a choice whether to join this family.

So, even with the history, I doubt OP could have predicted that the SC would make fake abuse allegations against her. Yes, OP could(or should) have known that the child had been through some trauma, but we have no idea what the OP's spouse was sharing or not sharing at the time. No one goes into a step situation expecting roses, but one certainly doesn't go into it expecting fake CPS allegations!

OP here—I knew the divorce was difficult. The details of the divorce were not shared with me until after we were married. You don’t expect this type of divorce drama from a normal educated household.

[Anonymous]

I wonder how willing OP really would be to prosecute - and have her past raked over - if she were raped.

Likewise, the people trying to shame OP - I wonder how forgiving they'd really be if a stepkid caused a CPS investigation to be launched against them.

The SDD is not going to just up and disappear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, as someone who works in adolescent psych, your feelings are pretty normal at this point. You are dealing with a deeply traumatized child who is making terrible decisions (because of their trauma) and ending up even more traumatized. The child is acting out their trauma in a lot of ways, and some of them are aimed at you. She's not your child, so of course you're resenting it. (Birth parents are often resentful of that kind of behavior, too, and they're often responsible for the original trauma.)

Therapy is a good idea. It will help you process the resentment so that you can feel more at peace. It will help you brainstorm ideas how to remain safe while living in this extended family It will help you learn how and why this child (young adult) is acting out this way. It will help you decide if you want to stay in this family/marriage.

Good luck. These kids are rough to deal with.

+1. Why should OP be expected to have a bottomless well of sympathy for a SC that caused so many problems? She's only human. I
would be resentful too, especially if the SC's behavior impacted her other children.

The OP chose to marry into this family. Knowing that the child had already experienced a divorce and some very serious allegations by her mother, OP should have known that trauma was a possibility and that trauma can cause serious problems with adolescents. If OP didn't think this could happen, that's on OP. Because she had a choice whether to join this family.

So, even with the history, I doubt OP could have predicted that the SC would make fake abuse allegations against her. Yes, OP could(or should) have known that the child had been through some trauma, but we have no idea what the OP's spouse was sharing or not sharing at the time. No one goes into a step situation expecting roses, but one certainly doesn't go into it expecting fake CPS allegations!

With all due respect it doesn't sound like the kid made false abuse allegations about OP. It sounds like the kid was processing probably a lot of feelings and emotions and anger in some creative writing that she was keeping private that her teachers found. It doesn't sound like the kid ever weaponized it themselves. Did the kid cooperate with the CPS allegation OP?

Because while I fully understand why being investigated in that way would be traumatic for you, I also am hearing about a kid who has been deeply traumatized and is experiencing a terrible teenage period where she claims she was raped and then had her privacy violated in a way that the consequences irrevocably injured her family. It doesn't really sound like she did anything to you OP except write out some things privately that were not true but also never claimed to be true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, as someone who works in adolescent psych, your feelings are pretty normal at this point. You are dealing with a deeply traumatized child who is making terrible decisions (because of their trauma) and ending up even more traumatized. The child is acting out their trauma in a lot of ways, and some of them are aimed at you. She's not your child, so of course you're resenting it. (Birth parents are often resentful of that kind of behavior, too, and they're often responsible for the original trauma.)

Therapy is a good idea. It will help you process the resentment so that you can feel more at peace. It will help you brainstorm ideas how to remain safe while living in this extended family It will help you learn how and why this child (young adult) is acting out this way. It will help you decide if you want to stay in this family/marriage.

Good luck. These kids are rough to deal with.

+1. Why should OP be expected to have a bottomless well of sympathy for a SC that caused so many problems? She's only human. I
would be resentful too, especially if the SC's behavior impacted her other children.

The OP chose to marry into this family. Knowing that the child had already experienced a divorce and some very serious allegations by her mother, OP should have known that trauma was a possibility and that trauma can cause serious problems with adolescents. If OP didn't think this could happen, that's on OP. Because she had a choice whether to join this family.

So, even with the history, I doubt OP could have predicted that the SC would make fake abuse allegations against her. Yes, OP could(or should) have known that the child had been through some trauma, but we have no idea what the OP's spouse was sharing or not sharing at the time. No one goes into a step situation expecting roses, but one certainly doesn't go into it expecting fake CPS allegations!

With all due respect it doesn't sound like the kid made false abuse allegations about OP. It sounds like the kid was processing probably a lot of feelings and emotions and anger in some creative writing that she was keeping private that her teachers found. It doesn't sound like the kid ever weaponized it themselves. Did the kid cooperate with the CPS allegation OP?

Because while I fully understand why being investigated in that way would be traumatic for you, I also am hearing about a kid who has been deeply traumatized and is experiencing a terrible teenage period where she claims she was raped and then had her privacy violated in a way that the consequences irrevocably injured her family. It doesn't really sound like she did anything to you OP except write out some things privately that were not true but also never claimed to be true.

THIS, OP acknowledged that the SD told CPS none of it was true and it was a work of fiction.

[Anonymous]

It's pretty clear that most of the PPs haven't been in a similar situation. It's all fine and good to try to shame OP for not having more empathy for SC, but unless you've been in the situation or witnessed it happening to your own family, you really have no idea how you'd feel toward the SC.

This is a difficult situation on everyone: the SC, OP, her DH and their kids. My family went through something similar when my parents were trying to get custody of my step-siblings, who were being physically abused by their mother's boyfriend. Lots of false accusation hurled at my mother and step-father during the custody proceedings. The fallout from that, and the patterns of behavior that arose out of the situation, resulted in stressful, unstable years for all of us and it all imploded about 10 years later when my mom finally called it quits. Even though we all recognized that my step-siblings had come from a horrible situation and that they had had a pretty sad childhood, it's hard to feel limitless empathy for someone who actively tries to cause trouble or who makes bad decisions that cause financial or legal problems for the rest of the family.

OP, I think what you are feeling is completely normal. Depending on the age of your kids, they may also feel some resentment over the upheaval and stress the SC's behavior is causing on everyone. Therapy for you and maybe family therapy (You, DH and your own kids) seems like a good idea. Your DH really needs to take charge of the situation with his child and work with his ex to get SC the help she needs. You can be supportive of that process and provide - within reason - resources etc., but DH needs to take the lead. It's unrealistic and unfair for DH to pressure you into having a deeper relationship with her at this point under the circumstances. The nature of your relationship with SC and the ways you can be supportive are issues that can be explored further in family therapy, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's pretty clear that most of the PPs haven't been in a similar situation. It's all fine and good to try to shame OP for not having more empathy for SC, but unless you've been in the situation or witnessed it happening to your own family, you really have no idea how you'd feel toward the SC.

This is a difficult situation on everyone: the SC, OP, her DH and their kids. My family went through something similar when my parents were trying to get custody of my step-siblings, who were being physically abused by their mother's boyfriend. Lots of false accusation hurled at my mother and step-father during the custody proceedings. The fallout from that, and the patterns of behavior that arose out of the situation, resulted in stressful, unstable years for all of us and it all imploded about 10 years later when my mom finally called it quits. Even though we all recognized that my step-siblings had come from a horrible situation and that they had had a pretty sad childhood, it's hard to feel limitless empathy for someone who actively tries to cause trouble or who makes bad decisions that cause financial or legal problems for the rest of the family.

OP, I think what you are feeling is completely normal. Depending on the age of your kids, they may also feel some resentment over the upheaval and stress the SC's behavior is causing on everyone. Therapy for you and maybe family therapy (You, DH and your own kids) seems like a good idea. Your DH really needs to take charge of the situation with his child and work with his ex to get SC the help she needs. You can be supportive of that process and provide - within reason - resources etc., but DH needs to take the lead. It's unrealistic and unfair for DH to pressure you into having a deeper relationship with her at this point under the circumstances. The nature of your relationship with SC and the ways you can be supportive are issues that can be explored further in family therapy, too.

But critically, SD didn't accuse OP of anything. She was writing privately in her own way as a diary or a creative outlet or whatever. OP says she said it was not true. This feels like a very critical and important difference. It sounds like SD didn't make a choice to accuse OP, her teacher's did behind her back.