How to handle this resentment?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you should see someone to address your deep lack of empathy and compassion. By your own account, your stepdaughter went through a traumatic childhood. She may have mental health issues of her own that it doesn’t sound like anyone bothered to investigate and treat. She was raped. And on top of it she has to deal with a stepmother who resents the fact that she won’t disappear from the earth (and I guarantee, you are not hiding that from her nearly as well as you would like to think). You are part of the reason the family dynamic is such a mess. Fix your own shit before dating to pass judgment on others for theirs.

I’m sure OP would have more sympathy if the SC hadn’t tried to put OP in jail!

As an outsider, I do feel bad for the SC. It’s not OP’s fault, but I’m sure growing up in a broken home was not great for the SC. OP, you should definitely go to therapy to figure out how to deal with your DH pushing the relationship on you. You want to maintain your boundaries but also not resent your DH.

If SC had not tried to put OP in jail would OP at least be able to acknowledge that SC was raped?

OP here—SC has major credibility issues and lacks moral compass. SC ended up filing a police report only after relationship was ended by the other individual claiming rape. The county wanted to take the report further and prosecute the alleged rapist, but SC didn’t want to go through with it. If someone would attempt to rape me, I would file charges and will seek prosecution. SC was upset with school reading her Google docs, but she didn’t even acknowledged me being falsely accused. Does this help?

Dear lord, OP. You are such a shitty rape apologist.

Plus 1. You're expecting a young person who has psychological problems to be strong enough to file charges of rape? And you are sure that you'd do the same?

Alrighty then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's pretty clear that most of the PPs haven't been in a similar situation. It's all fine and good to try to shame OP for not having more empathy for SC, but unless you've been in the situation or witnessed it happening to your own family, you really have no idea how you'd feel toward the SC.

This is a difficult situation on everyone: the SC, OP, her DH and their kids. My family went through something similar when my parents were trying to get custody of my step-siblings, who were being physically abused by their mother's boyfriend. Lots of false accusation hurled at my mother and step-father during the custody proceedings. The fallout from that, and the patterns of behavior that arose out of the situation, resulted in stressful, unstable years for all of us and it all imploded about 10 years later when my mom finally called it quits. Even though we all recognized that my step-siblings had come from a horrible situation and that they had had a pretty sad childhood, it's hard to feel limitless empathy for someone who actively tries to cause trouble or who makes bad decisions that cause financial or legal problems for the rest of the family.

OP, I think what you are feeling is completely normal. Depending on the age of your kids, they may also feel some resentment over the upheaval and stress the SC's behavior is causing on everyone. Therapy for you and maybe family therapy (You, DH and your own kids) seems like a good idea. Your DH really needs to take charge of the situation with his child and work with his ex to get SC the help she needs. You can be supportive of that process and provide - within reason - resources etc., but DH needs to take the lead. It's unrealistic and unfair for DH to pressure you into having a deeper relationship with her at this point under the circumstances. The nature of your relationship with SC and the ways you can be supportive are issues that can be explored further in family therapy, too.

But critically, SD didn't accuse OP of anything. She was writing privately in her own way as a diary or a creative outlet or whatever. OP says she said it was not true. This feels like a very critical and important difference. It sounds like SD didn't make a choice to accuse OP, her teacher's did behind her back.

DP.
The difference would not matter to me really. I would never feel the same way about that kid.

However, my heart would break if my DH's child was raped. The love I have for my DH transfers to the people he holds dear. I would always love DH's child(if he had one). but I would stay the hell away from this child. I will put the child in my prayers and provide any distant help that I could. but a personal relationship with this child would probably not happen. Or if it had to, I would need years of therapy to shake off a little bit of the resentment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, as someone who works in adolescent psych, your feelings are pretty normal at this point. You are dealing with a deeply traumatized child who is making terrible decisions (because of their trauma) and ending up even more traumatized. The child is acting out their trauma in a lot of ways, and some of them are aimed at you. She's not your child, so of course you're resenting it. (Birth parents are often resentful of that kind of behavior, too, and they're often responsible for the original trauma.)

Therapy is a good idea. It will help you process the resentment so that you can feel more at peace. It will help you brainstorm ideas how to remain safe while living in this extended family It will help you learn how and why this child (young adult) is acting out this way. It will help you decide if you want to stay in this family/marriage.

Good luck. These kids are rough to deal with.

+1. Why should OP be expected to have a bottomless well of sympathy for a SC that caused so many problems? She's only human. I
would be resentful too, especially if the SC's behavior impacted her other children.

The OP chose to marry into this family. Knowing that the child had already experienced a divorce and some very serious allegations by her mother, OP should have known that trauma was a possibility and that trauma can cause serious problems with adolescents. If OP didn't think this could happen, that's on OP. Because she had a choice whether to join this family.

So, even with the history, I doubt OP could have predicted that the SC would make fake abuse allegations against her. Yes, OP could(or should) have known that the child had been through some trauma, but we have no idea what the OP's spouse was sharing or not sharing at the time. No one goes into a step situation expecting roses, but one certainly doesn't go into it expecting fake CPS allegations!

OP here—I knew the divorce was difficult. The details of the divorce were not shared with me until after we were married. You don’t expect this type of divorce drama from a normal educated household.

OP, The more you respond the more elitist snobby and mean you sound.
And who in their right mind marry somebody who is divorced and you don’t find out anything about their divorce and I say this as a stepparent who married a divorced person and I damn sure found out about reasons behind the divorce how they handled it , how my husband handled and dealt with his ex wife and child because that was primarily important.
You sound awful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, as someone who works in adolescent psych, your feelings are pretty normal at this point. You are dealing with a deeply traumatized child who is making terrible decisions (because of their trauma) and ending up even more traumatized. The child is acting out their trauma in a lot of ways, and some of them are aimed at you. She's not your child, so of course you're resenting it. (Birth parents are often resentful of that kind of behavior, too, and they're often responsible for the original trauma.)

Therapy is a good idea. It will help you process the resentment so that you can feel more at peace. It will help you brainstorm ideas how to remain safe while living in this extended family It will help you learn how and why this child (young adult) is acting out this way. It will help you decide if you want to stay in this family/marriage.

Good luck. These kids are rough to deal with.

+1. Why should OP be expected to have a bottomless well of sympathy for a SC that caused so many problems? She's only human. I
would be resentful too, especially if the SC's behavior impacted her other children.

The OP chose to marry into this family. Knowing that the child had already experienced a divorce and some very serious allegations by her mother, OP should have known that trauma was a possibility and that trauma can cause serious problems with adolescents. If OP didn't think this could happen, that's on OP. Because she had a choice whether to join this family.

So, even with the history, I doubt OP could have predicted that the SC would make fake abuse allegations against her. Yes, OP could(or should) have known that the child had been through some trauma, but we have no idea what the OP's spouse was sharing or not sharing at the time. No one goes into a step situation expecting roses, but one certainly doesn't go into it expecting fake CPS allegations!

With all due respect it doesn't sound like the kid made false abuse allegations about OP. It sounds like the kid was processing probably a lot of feelings and emotions and anger in some creative writing that she was keeping private that her teachers found. It doesn't sound like the kid ever weaponized it themselves. Did the kid cooperate with the CPS allegation OP?

Because while I fully understand why being investigated in that way would be traumatic for you, I also am hearing about a kid who has been deeply traumatized and is experiencing a terrible teenage period where she claims she was raped and then had her privacy violated in a way that the consequences irrevocably injured her family. It doesn't really sound like she did anything to you OP except write out some things privately that were not true but also never claimed to be true.

THIS, OP acknowledged that the SD told CPS none of it was true and it was a work of fiction.

EXACTLY!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's pretty clear that most of the PPs haven't been in a similar situation. It's all fine and good to try to shame OP for not having more empathy for SC, but unless you've been in the situation or witnessed it happening to your own family, you really have no idea how you'd feel toward the SC.

This is a difficult situation on everyone: the SC, OP, her DH and their kids. My family went through something similar when my parents were trying to get custody of my step-siblings, who were being physically abused by their mother's boyfriend. Lots of false accusation hurled at my mother and step-father during the custody proceedings. The fallout from that, and the patterns of behavior that arose out of the situation, resulted in stressful, unstable years for all of us and it all imploded about 10 years later when my mom finally called it quits. Even though we all recognized that my step-siblings had come from a horrible situation and that they had had a pretty sad childhood, it's hard to feel limitless empathy for someone who actively tries to cause trouble or who makes bad decisions that cause financial or legal problems for the rest of the family.

OP, I think what you are feeling is completely normal. Depending on the age of your kids, they may also feel some resentment over the upheaval and stress the SC's behavior is causing on everyone. Therapy for you and maybe family therapy (You, DH and your own kids) seems like a good idea. Your DH really needs to take charge of the situation with his child and work with his ex to get SC the help she needs. You can be supportive of that process and provide - within reason - resources etc., but DH needs to take the lead. It's unrealistic and unfair for DH to pressure you into having a deeper relationship with her at this point under the circumstances. The nature of your relationship with SC and the ways you can be supportive are issues that can be explored further in family therapy, too.

So you have a hard time having empathy for people who were, by your own words, abused and you struggle to understand how that trauma would cause destructive and traumatic behavior?

[Anonymous]

Op - nothing about your post is "normal". Nothing. Many children and many young adults can be challenging. This advice is not unique for you. Same advice even if there wasn't a big challenge. Be respectful. Be polite. How do you treat a neighbor? How do you treat a neighbor who you see but maybe don't really like? This is it. Time needs to pass. SC needs to mature. And you need to stop making this a center piece of your life. Probably also means pulling back from talking with your husband about it too, or to anyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's pretty clear that most of the PPs haven't been in a similar situation. It's all fine and good to try to shame OP for not having more empathy for SC, but unless you've been in the situation or witnessed it happening to your own family, you really have no idea how you'd feel toward the SC.

This is a difficult situation on everyone: the SC, OP, her DH and their kids. My family went through something similar when my parents were trying to get custody of my step-siblings, who were being physically abused by their mother's boyfriend. Lots of false accusation hurled at my mother and step-father during the custody proceedings. The fallout from that, and the patterns of behavior that arose out of the situation, resulted in stressful, unstable years for all of us and it all imploded about 10 years later when my mom finally called it quits. Even though we all recognized that my step-siblings had come from a horrible situation and that they had had a pretty sad childhood, it's hard to feel limitless empathy for someone who actively tries to cause trouble or who makes bad decisions that cause financial or legal problems for the rest of the family.

OP, I think what you are feeling is completely normal. Depending on the age of your kids, they may also feel some resentment over the upheaval and stress the SC's behavior is causing on everyone. Therapy for you and maybe family therapy (You, DH and your own kids) seems like a good idea. Your DH really needs to take charge of the situation with his child and work with his ex to get SC the help she needs. You can be supportive of that process and provide - within reason - resources etc., but DH needs to take the lead. It's unrealistic and unfair for DH to pressure you into having a deeper relationship with her at this point under the circumstances. The nature of your relationship with SC and the ways you can be supportive are issues that can be explored further in family therapy, too.

So you have a hard time having empathy for people who were, by your own words, abused and you struggle to understand how that trauma would cause destructive and traumatic behavior?

DP.

If these people hurt me deeply? Yeah, I would have a hard time having empathy for them. Put it this way: Under these circumstances, my resentment for them would trump my empathy for them.

We are not logical toolboxes walking around. We are human, and we are influenced by emotions good and bad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's pretty clear that most of the PPs haven't been in a similar situation. It's all fine and good to try to shame OP for not having more empathy for SC, but unless you've been in the situation or witnessed it happening to your own family, you really have no idea how you'd feel toward the SC.

This is a difficult situation on everyone: the SC, OP, her DH and their kids. My family went through something similar when my parents were trying to get custody of my step-siblings, who were being physically abused by their mother's boyfriend. Lots of false accusation hurled at my mother and step-father during the custody proceedings. The fallout from that, and the patterns of behavior that arose out of the situation, resulted in stressful, unstable years for all of us and it all imploded about 10 years later when my mom finally called it quits. Even though we all recognized that my step-siblings had come from a horrible situation and that they had had a pretty sad childhood, it's hard to feel limitless empathy for someone who actively tries to cause trouble or who makes bad decisions that cause financial or legal problems for the rest of the family.

OP, I think what you are feeling is completely normal. Depending on the age of your kids, they may also feel some resentment over the upheaval and stress the SC's behavior is causing on everyone. Therapy for you and maybe family therapy (You, DH and your own kids) seems like a good idea. Your DH really needs to take charge of the situation with his child and work with his ex to get SC the help she needs. You can be supportive of that process and provide - within reason - resources etc., but DH needs to take the lead. It's unrealistic and unfair for DH to pressure you into having a deeper relationship with her at this point under the circumstances. The nature of your relationship with SC and the ways you can be supportive are issues that can be explored further in family therapy, too.

So you have a hard time having empathy for people who were, by your own words, abused and you struggle to understand how that trauma would cause destructive and traumatic behavior?

What are you even talking about? The traumatic and destructive behavior is understandable but that doesn’t mean it’s ok or that others aren’t affected by that behavior.

[Anonymous]

If yin aren't prepared to love your spouses children as your own, don't marry them. You make a promise when you get married. I don't understand how a person can be so vile to their children's siblings. OP there is clearly something wrong with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's pretty clear that most of the PPs haven't been in a similar situation. It's all fine and good to try to shame OP for not having more empathy for SC, but unless you've been in the situation or witnessed it happening to your own family, you really have no idea how you'd feel toward the SC.

This is a difficult situation on everyone: the SC, OP, her DH and their kids. My family went through something similar when my parents were trying to get custody of my step-siblings, who were being physically abused by their mother's boyfriend. Lots of false accusation hurled at my mother and step-father during the custody proceedings. The fallout from that, and the patterns of behavior that arose out of the situation, resulted in stressful, unstable years for all of us and it all imploded about 10 years later when my mom finally called it quits. Even though we all recognized that my step-siblings had come from a horrible situation and that they had had a pretty sad childhood, it's hard to feel limitless empathy for someone who actively tries to cause trouble or who makes bad decisions that cause financial or legal problems for the rest of the family.

OP, I think what you are feeling is completely normal. Depending on the age of your kids, they may also feel some resentment over the upheaval and stress the SC's behavior is causing on everyone. Therapy for you and maybe family therapy (You, DH and your own kids) seems like a good idea. Your DH really needs to take charge of the situation with his child and work with his ex to get SC the help she needs. You can be supportive of that process and provide - within reason - resources etc., but DH needs to take the lead. It's unrealistic and unfair for DH to pressure you into having a deeper relationship with her at this point under the circumstances. The nature of your relationship with SC and the ways you can be supportive are issues that can be explored further in family therapy, too.

But critically, SD didn't accuse OP of anything. She was writing privately in her own way as a diary or a creative outlet or whatever. OP says she said it was not true. This feels like a very critical and important difference. It sounds like SD didn't make a choice to accuse OP, her teacher's did behind her back.

DP.
The difference would not matter to me really. I would never feel the same way about that kid.

However, my heart would break if my DH's child was raped. The love I have for my DH transfers to the people he holds dear. I would always love DH's child(if he had one). but I would stay the hell away from this child. I will put the child in my prayers and provide any distant help that I could. but a personal relationship with this child would probably not happen. Or if it had to, I would need years of therapy to shake off a little bit of the resentment.

You think there is no difference between the kid writing privately, which is how plenty of people work out complicated feelings in their own hearts and minds, and making a public false accusation of abuse towards OP?

If this is true then you are an unreasonable person.