How to handle this resentment?

[Anonymous]

OP, as someone who works in adolescent psych, your feelings are pretty normal at this point. You are dealing with a deeply traumatized child who is making terrible decisions (because of their trauma) and ending up even more traumatized. The child is acting out their trauma in a lot of ways, and some of them are aimed at you. She's not your child, so of course you're resenting it. (Birth parents are often resentful of that kind of behavior, too, and they're often responsible for the original trauma.)

Therapy is a good idea. It will help you process the resentment so that you can feel more at peace. It will help you brainstorm ideas how to remain safe while living in this extended family It will help you learn how and why this child (young adult) is acting out this way. It will help you decide if you want to stay in this family/marriage.

Good luck. These kids are rough to deal with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Basically, SC was out of it and ended up having non-consensual sex.

No, OP, your stepchild was raped. You lost all credibility the minute you tried to whitewash that.

I don’t know what else is really going on in your household, but I’m pretty sure you are a toxic presence. Your attitude is not normal and yes, you should go see someone.

OP—I am not trying to whitewash it. I have warned SC about the group of friends and what could happen. SC lied about what was going on/whereabouts and only told the truth after a few months. I cannot change what happened, but I am also not sure it happened. SC has credibility issues and lies about things to make people feel bad.

Wow, way to victim blame, OP. You’re not making a good case for yourself here.

This PP seems to have some projection issues and needs to step back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you should see someone to address your deep lack of empathy and compassion. By your own account, your stepdaughter went through a traumatic childhood. She may have mental health issues of her own that it doesn’t sound like anyone bothered to investigate and treat. She was raped. And on top of it she has to deal with a stepmother who resents the fact that she won’t disappear from the earth (and I guarantee, you are not hiding that from her nearly as well as you would like to think). You are part of the reason the family dynamic is such a mess. Fix your own shit before dating to pass judgment on others for theirs.

I’m sure OP would have more sympathy if the SC hadn’t tried to put OP in jail!

As an outsider, I do feel bad for the SC. It’s not OP’s fault, but I’m sure growing up in a broken home was not great for the SC. OP, you should definitely go to therapy to figure out how to deal with your DH pushing the relationship on you. You want to maintain your boundaries but also not resent your DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, as someone who works in adolescent psych, your feelings are pretty normal at this point. You are dealing with a deeply traumatized child who is making terrible decisions (because of their trauma) and ending up even more traumatized. The child is acting out their trauma in a lot of ways, and some of them are aimed at you. She's not your child, so of course you're resenting it. (Birth parents are often resentful of that kind of behavior, too, and they're often responsible for the original trauma.)

Therapy is a good idea. It will help you process the resentment so that you can feel more at peace. It will help you brainstorm ideas how to remain safe while living in this extended family It will help you learn how and why this child (young adult) is acting out this way. It will help you decide if you want to stay in this family/marriage.

Good luck. These kids are rough to deal with.

+1. Why should OP be expected to have a bottomless well of sympathy for a SC that caused so many problems? She's only human. I
would be resentful too, especially if the SC's behavior impacted her other children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, as someone who works in adolescent psych, your feelings are pretty normal at this point. You are dealing with a deeply traumatized child who is making terrible decisions (because of their trauma) and ending up even more traumatized. The child is acting out their trauma in a lot of ways, and some of them are aimed at you. She's not your child, so of course you're resenting it. (Birth parents are often resentful of that kind of behavior, too, and they're often responsible for the original trauma.)

Therapy is a good idea. It will help you process the resentment so that you can feel more at peace. It will help you brainstorm ideas how to remain safe while living in this extended family It will help you learn how and why this child (young adult) is acting out this way. It will help you decide if you want to stay in this family/marriage.

Good luck. These kids are rough to deal with.

OP—thank you for your advice and I appreciate your kindness. I will seek therapy for myself and distance for now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you should see someone to address your deep lack of empathy and compassion. By your own account, your stepdaughter went through a traumatic childhood. She may have mental health issues of her own that it doesn’t sound like anyone bothered to investigate and treat. She was raped. And on top of it she has to deal with a stepmother who resents the fact that she won’t disappear from the earth (and I guarantee, you are not hiding that from her nearly as well as you would like to think). You are part of the reason the family dynamic is such a mess. Fix your own shit before dating to pass judgment on others for theirs.

I’m sure OP would have more sympathy if the SC hadn’t tried to put OP in jail!

As an outsider, I do feel bad for the SC. It’s not OP’s fault, but I’m sure growing up in a broken home was not great for the SC. OP, you should definitely go to therapy to figure out how to deal with your DH pushing the relationship on you. You want to maintain your boundaries but also not resent your DH.

If SC had not tried to put OP in jail would OP at least be able to acknowledge that SC was raped?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you should see someone to address your deep lack of empathy and compassion. By your own account, your stepdaughter went through a traumatic childhood. She may have mental health issues of her own that it doesn’t sound like anyone bothered to investigate and treat. She was raped. And on top of it she has to deal with a stepmother who resents the fact that she won’t disappear from the earth (and I guarantee, you are not hiding that from her nearly as well as you would like to think). You are part of the reason the family dynamic is such a mess. Fix your own shit before dating to pass judgment on others for theirs.

I’m sure OP would have more sympathy if the SC hadn’t tried to put OP in jail!

As an outsider, I do feel bad for the SC. It’s not OP’s fault, but I’m sure growing up in a broken home was not great for the SC. OP, you should definitely go to therapy to figure out how to deal with your DH pushing the relationship on you. You want to maintain your boundaries but also not resent your DH.

If SC had not tried to put OP in jail would OP at least be able to acknowledge that SC was raped?

OP here—SC has major credibility issues and lacks moral compass. SC ended up filing a police report only after relationship was ended by the other individual claiming rape. The county wanted to take the report further and prosecute the alleged rapist, but SC didn’t want to go through with it. If someone would attempt to rape me, I would file charges and will seek prosecution. SC was upset with school reading her Google docs, but she didn’t even acknowledged me being falsely accused. Does this help?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you should see someone to address your deep lack of empathy and compassion. By your own account, your stepdaughter went through a traumatic childhood. She may have mental health issues of her own that it doesn’t sound like anyone bothered to investigate and treat. She was raped. And on top of it she has to deal with a stepmother who resents the fact that she won’t disappear from the earth (and I guarantee, you are not hiding that from her nearly as well as you would like to think). You are part of the reason the family dynamic is such a mess. Fix your own shit before dating to pass judgment on others for theirs.

I’m sure OP would have more sympathy if the SC hadn’t tried to put OP in jail!

As an outsider, I do feel bad for the SC. It’s not OP’s fault, but I’m sure growing up in a broken home was not great for the SC. OP, you should definitely go to therapy to figure out how to deal with your DH pushing the relationship on you. You want to maintain your boundaries but also not resent your DH.

If SC had not tried to put OP in jail would OP at least be able to acknowledge that SC was raped?

OP here—SC has major credibility issues and lacks moral compass. SC ended up filing a police report only after relationship was ended by the other individual claiming rape. The county wanted to take the report further and prosecute the alleged rapist, but SC didn’t want to go through with it. If someone would attempt to rape me, I would file charges and will seek prosecution. SC was upset with school reading her Google docs, but she didn’t even acknowledged me being falsely accused. Does this help?

Dear lord, OP. You are such a shitty rape apologist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, as someone who works in adolescent psych, your feelings are pretty normal at this point. You are dealing with a deeply traumatized child who is making terrible decisions (because of their trauma) and ending up even more traumatized. The child is acting out their trauma in a lot of ways, and some of them are aimed at you. She's not your child, so of course you're resenting it. (Birth parents are often resentful of that kind of behavior, too, and they're often responsible for the original trauma.)

Therapy is a good idea. It will help you process the resentment so that you can feel more at peace. It will help you brainstorm ideas how to remain safe while living in this extended family It will help you learn how and why this child (young adult) is acting out this way. It will help you decide if you want to stay in this family/marriage.

Good luck. These kids are rough to deal with.

+1. Why should OP be expected to have a bottomless well of sympathy for a SC that caused so many problems? She's only human. I
would be resentful too, especially if the SC's behavior impacted her other children.

Plus SC has repeatedly shown who they are. That they lie. So let’s say instead of rape, the crime was theft. Someone stole something from SC. OP would still want to get to the bottom of it and not necessarily believe SC wholesale. Kid who cried wolf and all that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Basically, SC was out of it and ended up having non-consensual sex.

No, OP, your stepchild was raped. You lost all credibility the minute you tried to whitewash that.

I don’t know what else is really going on in your household, but I’m pretty sure you are a toxic presence. Your attitude is not normal and yes, you should go see someone.

OP, my guess would be SC is in part at least the product of her environment. I would really take note of what happened so history doesn't repeat itself with your younger biological children. I would consider whether SC was left unsupervised with older children or adults, was she then molested, was she depressed and it was untreated, problems academically, lack of after school activities, bullied, raped by someone, unsupportive parents, etc.

I would be glad she is gone though. Like a dark cloud passed

With all the problems this child has, I’m pretty sure SC will be moving back home sooner than you think….either staying in the basement or her bedroom. Sorry

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, as someone who works in adolescent psych, your feelings are pretty normal at this point. You are dealing with a deeply traumatized child who is making terrible decisions (because of their trauma) and ending up even more traumatized. The child is acting out their trauma in a lot of ways, and some of them are aimed at you. She's not your child, so of course you're resenting it. (Birth parents are often resentful of that kind of behavior, too, and they're often responsible for the original trauma.)

Therapy is a good idea. It will help you process the resentment so that you can feel more at peace. It will help you brainstorm ideas how to remain safe while living in this extended family It will help you learn how and why this child (young adult) is acting out this way. It will help you decide if you want to stay in this family/marriage.

Good luck. These kids are rough to deal with.

OP—thank you for your advice and I appreciate your kindness. I will seek therapy for myself and distance for now.

OP i think the above advice is the best in thread - I think from an outside viewpoint we can have compassion for both you and SC, but you're inside this and that's hard to ddo. Clearly neither of you is in a good place. I do think looking to therapy for some coping tools and a safe place to think and talk this through is a good idea. I hope you can distance with out shunning - think space, not silent treatment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, as someone who works in adolescent psych, your feelings are pretty normal at this point. You are dealing with a deeply traumatized child who is making terrible decisions (because of their trauma) and ending up even more traumatized. The child is acting out their trauma in a lot of ways, and some of them are aimed at you. She's not your child, so of course you're resenting it. (Birth parents are often resentful of that kind of behavior, too, and they're often responsible for the original trauma.)

Therapy is a good idea. It will help you process the resentment so that you can feel more at peace. It will help you brainstorm ideas how to remain safe while living in this extended family It will help you learn how and why this child (young adult) is acting out this way. It will help you decide if you want to stay in this family/marriage.

Good luck. These kids are rough to deal with.

+1. I think it is normal to feel resentment. Definitely see a therapist. My guess is that you won't need to go weekly. You may just need a few sessions to discuss your feelings in a safe place and develop strategies for communication with SC and setting up boundaries. A therapist could also facilitate a discussion between you and your husband about how to deal with SC as a couple/family.

[Anonymous]

Having seen my parents experience something like this within my own family, I have sympathy for the OP. For my sister, the teen years were really, really bad and this sounds really familiar. But, I also wanted to offer the OP some hope. My sister did grow up. She is now an adult with a wonderful husband, family, and job. She feels deep regret for the things that happened during those years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you should see someone to address your deep lack of empathy and compassion. By your own account, your stepdaughter went through a traumatic childhood. She may have mental health issues of her own that it doesn’t sound like anyone bothered to investigate and treat. She was raped. And on top of it she has to deal with a stepmother who resents the fact that she won’t disappear from the earth (and I guarantee, you are not hiding that from her nearly as well as you would like to think). You are part of the reason the family dynamic is such a mess. Fix your own shit before dating to pass judgment on others for theirs.

I’m sure OP would have more sympathy if the SC hadn’t tried to put OP in jail!

As an outsider, I do feel bad for the SC. It’s not OP’s fault, but I’m sure growing up in a broken home was not great for the SC. OP, you should definitely go to therapy to figure out how to deal with your DH pushing the relationship on you. You want to maintain your boundaries but also not resent your DH.

If SC had not tried to put OP in jail would OP at least be able to acknowledge that SC was raped?

OP here—SC has major credibility issues and lacks moral compass. SC ended up filing a police report only after relationship was ended by the other individual claiming rape. The county wanted to take the report further and prosecute the alleged rapist, but SC didn’t want to go through with it. If someone would attempt to rape me, I would file charges and will seek prosecution. SC was upset with school reading her Google docs, but she didn’t even acknowledged me being falsely accused. Does this help?

Wow you are a really horrible person. This poor kid has been through many traumatic experiences throughout her life. The google writings were clearly a cry for help and were private, and instead of being empathetic towards a CHILD, you care only about yourself. If I learned my stepchild had written those things about me, I would be seeking to repair and build our relationship because I obviously failed, not to create further distance. And instead of believing she has been raped, you have excuses about why it's not true. This is exactly why victims rarely come forward, and btw, most women are sexually assaulted. No wonder she's a wreck, dad married a witch and my guess is that he's totally checked out as a parent.

[Anonymous]

I think OP is getting some really horrible, misplaced shaming from posters who are clearly projecting their own issues onto OP's situation.

It's obvious that the SC has a credibility problem and she learned it from her biomom. OP is in an impossible situation. It sounds like this would have happened to any woman who married into this family and there is nothing that OP could have done differently.

The real question to OP is, do you want and need to stay in this toxic family that you married into? If so, I think you need to stay disengaged from from you SC indefinitely, and bring your DH to counseling with you to help him understand why. Given the accusations your SC has made against you in the past, you're damned if you do, damned if you don't. You are under no obligation to have anything more than a polite, distant relationship with her when you are forced to be in the same room. Nothing more.