How to handle this resentment?
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Anonymous
| About a year and a half ago when the pandemic first started, my step-child school writings on google docs were flagged by a school safety officer, because SC was writing about me abusing SC and me abusing her father. None of this was true, but there was a CPS investigation. After extensive interviews of all family members, CPS made a determination that there was no wrong doing on my part and SC was told to continue mental health counseling to address the issues. SC also admitted that it was all made up to the CPS and masked the writings as a book and not a real diary. SC’s mother made similar accusations (abuse/child molestation) during the divorce proceedings, but ended up not getting custody as a result of CPS investigation. There was a lot of tension in the house after the incident. There were other incidents during the pandemic involving , truancy, lying about school work, drinking, sex, and experimenting with drugs. Basically, SC was out of it and ended up having non-consensual sex. Step-child is now a freshman at an in-state school about four hours away. I just don’t think I will ever feel the same towards SC. My DH is forcing a relationship on me, but I want to stay emotionally detached from SC and concentrate on our kids and marriage. I am glad SC is out of the house and hope SC launches well. I still have a lot of resentment toward SC. Is this normal or should I see someone? |
Anonymous
As someone put in a similar situation by my spouse’s family, it’s horrifying, scary, and you’ll never get past it. How much do you love DH? My spouse at least acknowledged what happened and I have never truly re-engaged with his family and won’t. You should not be forced to have a relationship with SC - SC is a danger to you. |
Anonymous
No, OP, your stepchild was raped. You lost all credibility the minute you tried to whitewash that. I don’t know what else is really going on in your household, but I’m pretty sure you are a toxic presence. Your attitude is not normal and yes, you should go see someone. |
Anonymous
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The parenting of this child should be done by your DH and BM. You should not be involved as the situation is too corrosive to include anyone but the biological parents at this point.
You must disengage. Although DH wants to force the relationship that is a serious mistake on his part. Simply tell him, "I think you need to focus on your child and spend time alone with him/her, as that's what they need right now. I fully support you going to visit stepchild and the kids and I will be fine doing our own thing in the meantime." |
Anonymous
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And no, it is not unusual to feel resentment towards anyone who causes severe disruption and falsely accuses family members of crimes.
Your stepchild may change in a positive way with the right treatment and environment. Don't give up hope that things may be better at some point in the future but don't be a doormat either. Unless you see massive changes for the better in the next few years, plan to stay disengaged for your own safety and sanity. |
Anonymous
| What does your DH say about this? Obviously he is in a difficult situation too but I think he should support your wanting distance from SC. Does SC even want to have a relationship with you? Is her mother still in the picture? |
Anonymous
| ^^same as what everyone else said |
Anonymous
| Therapy and time will help with this. You don’t know how much the SD was affected by the mother. As time goes on, distance and maturity will help. Try to work out in therapy how you can deal with this and get to a better place. She’s part of your family. You can’t just concentrate on “your kids” because she is part of your DH’s “my kids.” Healing is better than calcified bad feelings. I’m not dismissing what you went through, because it sounds awful, but divorce plus crazy mom plus teen brain with roiling emotions can lead to bad, bad decisions on her part. |
Anonymous
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Wow this kid has big big problems. I’m sorry you got wrapped up in a stressful CPS investigation over unfounded claims but surely you see that you are dealing with a deeply traumatized child?
I’d start with individual therapy but let’s be honest, your marriage probably cannot survive this. |
Anonymous
OP—I am not trying to whitewash it. I have warned SC about the group of friends and what could happen. SC lied about what was going on/whereabouts and only told the truth after a few months. I cannot change what happened, but I am also not sure it happened. SC has credibility issues and lies about things to make people feel bad. |
Anonymous
Wow, way to victim blame, OP. You’re not making a good case for yourself here. |
Anonymous
OP, my guess would be SC is in part at least the product of her environment. I would really take note of what happened so history doesn't repeat itself with your younger biological children. I would consider whether SC was left unsupervised with older children or adults, was she then molested, was she depressed and it was untreated, problems academically, lack of after school activities, bullied, raped by someone, unsupportive parents, etc. I would be glad she is gone though. Like a dark cloud passed |
Anonymous
| OP, you should see someone to address your deep lack of empathy and compassion. By your own account, your stepdaughter went through a traumatic childhood. She may have mental health issues of her own that it doesn’t sound like anyone bothered to investigate and treat. She was raped. And on top of it she has to deal with a stepmother who resents the fact that she won’t disappear from the earth (and I guarantee, you are not hiding that from her nearly as well as you would like to think). You are part of the reason the family dynamic is such a mess. Fix your own shit before dating to pass judgment on others for theirs. |
Anonymous
+1 |
Anonymous
| I can understand your feelings, but also would suggest therapy. I would be resentful too if I was you, but the child will never just disappear. |