How to handle this resentment?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you should see someone to address your deep lack of empathy and compassion. By your own account, your stepdaughter went through a traumatic childhood. She may have mental health issues of her own that it doesn’t sound like anyone bothered to investigate and treat. She was raped. And on top of it she has to deal with a stepmother who resents the fact that she won’t disappear from the earth (and I guarantee, you are not hiding that from her nearly as well as you would like to think). You are part of the reason the family dynamic is such a mess. Fix your own shit before dating to pass judgment on others for theirs.

I’m sure OP would have more sympathy if the SC hadn’t tried to put OP in jail!

As an outsider, I do feel bad for the SC. It’s not OP’s fault, but I’m sure growing up in a broken home was not great for the SC. OP, you should definitely go to therapy to figure out how to deal with your DH pushing the relationship on you. You want to maintain your boundaries but also not resent your DH.

If SC had not tried to put OP in jail would OP at least be able to acknowledge that SC was raped?

OP here—SC has major credibility issues and lacks moral compass. SC ended up filing a police report only after relationship was ended by the other individual claiming rape. The county wanted to take the report further and prosecute the alleged rapist, but SC didn’t want to go through with it. If someone would attempt to rape me, I would file charges and will seek prosecution. SC was upset with school reading her Google docs, but she didn’t even acknowledged me being falsely accused. Does this help?

Wow you are a really horrible person. This poor kid has been through many traumatic experiences throughout her life. The google writings were clearly a cry for help and were private, and instead of being empathetic towards a CHILD, you care only about yourself. If I learned my stepchild had written those things about me, I would be seeking to repair and build our relationship because I obviously failed, not to create further distance. And instead of believing she has been raped, you have excuses about why it's not true. This is exactly why victims rarely come forward, and btw, most women are sexually assaulted. No wonder she's a wreck, dad married a witch and my guess is that he's totally checked out as a parent.

Wow, you bring some luggage to this thread. You should work on that before giving any advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think OP is getting some really horrible, misplaced shaming from posters who are clearly projecting their own issues onto OP's situation.

It's obvious that the SC has a credibility problem and she learned it from her biomom. OP is in an impossible situation. It sounds like this would have happened to any woman who married into this family and there is nothing that OP could have done differently.

The real question to OP is, do you want and need to stay in this toxic family that you married into? If so, I think you need to stay disengaged from from you SC indefinitely, and bring your DH to counseling with you to help him understand why. Given the accusations your SC has made against you in the past, you're damned if you do, damned if you don't. You are under no obligation to have anything more than a polite, distant relationship with her when you are forced to be in the same room. Nothing more.

Yeah, i agree with this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you should see someone to address your deep lack of empathy and compassion. By your own account, your stepdaughter went through a traumatic childhood. She may have mental health issues of her own that it doesn’t sound like anyone bothered to investigate and treat. She was raped. And on top of it she has to deal with a stepmother who resents the fact that she won’t disappear from the earth (and I guarantee, you are not hiding that from her nearly as well as you would like to think). You are part of the reason the family dynamic is such a mess. Fix your own shit before dating to pass judgment on others for theirs.

I’m sure OP would have more sympathy if the SC hadn’t tried to put OP in jail!

As an outsider, I do feel bad for the SC. It’s not OP’s fault, but I’m sure growing up in a broken home was not great for the SC. OP, you should definitely go to therapy to figure out how to deal with your DH pushing the relationship on you. You want to maintain your boundaries but also not resent your DH.

If SC had not tried to put OP in jail would OP at least be able to acknowledge that SC was raped?

OP here—SC has major credibility issues and lacks moral compass. SC ended up filing a police report only after relationship was ended by the other individual claiming rape. The county wanted to take the report further and prosecute the alleged rapist, but SC didn’t want to go through with it. If someone would attempt to rape me, I would file charges and will seek prosecution. SC was upset with school reading her Google docs, but she didn’t even acknowledged me being falsely accused. Does this help?

Wow you are a really horrible person. This poor kid has been through many traumatic experiences throughout her life. The google writings were clearly a cry for help and were private, and instead of being empathetic towards a CHILD, you care only about yourself. If I learned my stepchild had written those things about me, I would be seeking to repair and build our relationship because I obviously failed, not to create further distance. And instead of believing she has been raped, you have excuses about why it's not true. This is exactly why victims rarely come forward, and btw, most women are sexually assaulted. No wonder she's a wreck, dad married a witch and my guess is that he's totally checked out as a parent.

Wow, you bring some luggage to this thread. You should work on that before giving any advice.

+1

[Anonymous]

You are so nasty op. Yes, your SC was nasty to you and lied, but you are also nasty not to trust her.
Telling that you do not believe that she was raped is beyond pale.
Likely you verbally did abuse her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, as someone who works in adolescent psych, your feelings are pretty normal at this point. You are dealing with a deeply traumatized child who is making terrible decisions (because of their trauma) and ending up even more traumatized. The child is acting out their trauma in a lot of ways, and some of them are aimed at you. She's not your child, so of course you're resenting it. (Birth parents are often resentful of that kind of behavior, too, and they're often responsible for the original trauma.)

Therapy is a good idea. It will help you process the resentment so that you can feel more at peace. It will help you brainstorm ideas how to remain safe while living in this extended family It will help you learn how and why this child (young adult) is acting out this way. It will help you decide if you want to stay in this family/marriage.

Good luck. These kids are rough to deal with.

+1. Why should OP be expected to have a bottomless well of sympathy for a SC that caused so many problems? She's only human. I
would be resentful too, especially if the SC's behavior impacted her other children.

The OP chose to marry into this family. Knowing that the child had already experienced a divorce and some very serious allegations by her mother, OP should have known that trauma was a possibility and that trauma can cause serious problems with adolescents. If OP didn't think this could happen, that's on OP. Because she had a choice whether to join this family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:About a year and a half ago when the pandemic first started, my step-child school writings on google docs were flagged by a school safety officer, because SC was writing about me abusing SC and me abusing her father. None of this was true, but there was a CPS investigation. After extensive interviews of all family members, CPS made a determination that there was no wrong doing on my part and SC was told to continue mental health counseling to address the issues. SC also admitted that it was all made up to the CPS and masked the writings as a book and not a real diary. SC’s mother made similar accusations (abuse/child molestation) during the divorce proceedings, but ended up not getting custody as a result of CPS investigation. There was a lot of tension in the house after the incident. There were other incidents during the pandemic involving , truancy, lying about school work, drinking, sex, and experimenting with drugs. Basically, SC was out of it and ended up having non-consensual sex. Step-child is now a freshman at an in-state school about four hours away. I just don’t think I will ever feel the same towards SC. My DH is forcing a relationship on me, but I want to stay emotionally detached from SC and concentrate on our kids and marriage. I am glad SC is out of the house and hope SC launches well. I still have a lot of resentment toward SC. Is this normal or should I see someone?

Go see someone. The resentment and fear that you will be betrayed again is real. BUT remember that she was/is still a kid, a troubled one. If her momma planted those seeds and SC is having severe emotional issues practices grace and get therapy to help you work thru it.
BTDT, and the SC is a thriving adult who is a wonderful big sibling to the younger kids.
Most of all remember that one day that troubled kid could be the one you birthed.
GRACE.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Therapy and time will help with this. You don’t know how much the SD was affected by the mother. As time goes on, distance and maturity will help. Try to work out in therapy how you can deal with this and get to a better place. She’s part of your family. You can’t just concentrate on “your kids” because she is part of your DH’s “my kids.” Healing is better than calcified bad feelings. I’m not dismissing what you went through, because it sounds awful, but divorce plus crazy mom plus teen brain with roiling emotions can lead to bad, bad decisions on her part.

+1000000
And I have lived thru something similar.
It’s all throw away the step kid til it’s your kid with issues and destructive behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Therapy and time will help with this. You don’t know how much the SD was affected by the mother. As time goes on, distance and maturity will help. Try to work out in therapy how you can deal with this and get to a better place. She’s part of your family. You can’t just concentrate on “your kids” because she is part of your DH’s “my kids.” Healing is better than calcified bad feelings. I’m not dismissing what you went through, because it sounds awful, but divorce plus crazy mom plus teen brain with roiling emotions can lead to bad, bad decisions on her part.

+1000000
And I have lived thru something similar.
It’s all throw away the step kid til it’s your kid with issues and destructive behavior.

This. Treat her like you would want a future stepmother to treat your kids in this situation. Because it could come to that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you should see someone to address your deep lack of empathy and compassion. By your own account, your stepdaughter went through a traumatic childhood. She may have mental health issues of her own that it doesn’t sound like anyone bothered to investigate and treat. She was raped. And on top of it she has to deal with a stepmother who resents the fact that she won’t disappear from the earth (and I guarantee, you are not hiding that from her nearly as well as you would like to think). You are part of the reason the family dynamic is such a mess. Fix your own shit before dating to pass judgment on others for theirs.

I’m sure OP would have more sympathy if the SC hadn’t tried to put OP in jail!

As an outsider, I do feel bad for the SC. It’s not OP’s fault, but I’m sure growing up in a broken home was not great for the SC. OP, you should definitely go to therapy to figure out how to deal with your DH pushing the relationship on you. You want to maintain your boundaries but also not resent your DH.

If SC had not tried to put OP in jail would OP at least be able to acknowledge that SC was raped?

OP here—SC has major credibility issues and lacks moral compass. SC ended up filing a police report only after relationship was ended by the other individual claiming rape. The county wanted to take the report further and prosecute the alleged rapist, but SC didn’t want to go through with it. If someone would attempt to rape me, I would file charges and will seek prosecution. SC was upset with school reading her Google docs, but she didn’t even acknowledged me being falsely accused. Does this help?

You’re talking about a severely troubled young person and lots of rape victims don’t file reports because of comments like you made about the lack of moral compass and lacking credibility.
I’m starting to like a lot of sympathy for you now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, as someone who works in adolescent psych, your feelings are pretty normal at this point. You are dealing with a deeply traumatized child who is making terrible decisions (because of their trauma) and ending up even more traumatized. The child is acting out their trauma in a lot of ways, and some of them are aimed at you. She's not your child, so of course you're resenting it. (Birth parents are often resentful of that kind of behavior, too, and they're often responsible for the original trauma.)

Therapy is a good idea. It will help you process the resentment so that you can feel more at peace. It will help you brainstorm ideas how to remain safe while living in this extended family It will help you learn how and why this child (young adult) is acting out this way. It will help you decide if you want to stay in this family/marriage.

Good luck. These kids are rough to deal with.

+1. Why should OP be expected to have a bottomless well of sympathy for a SC that caused so many problems? She's only human. I
would be resentful too, especially if the SC's behavior impacted her other children.

The OP chose to marry into this family. Knowing that the child had already experienced a divorce and some very serious allegations by her mother, OP should have known that trauma was a possibility and that trauma can cause serious problems with adolescents. If OP didn't think this could happen, that's on OP. Because she had a choice whether to join this family.

All of this!!!

[Anonymous]

There’s rape and there’s consensual sex there’s no non-consensual sex

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you should see someone to address your deep lack of empathy and compassion. By your own account, your stepdaughter went through a traumatic childhood. She may have mental health issues of her own that it doesn’t sound like anyone bothered to investigate and treat. She was raped. And on top of it she has to deal with a stepmother who resents the fact that she won’t disappear from the earth (and I guarantee, you are not hiding that from her nearly as well as you would like to think). You are part of the reason the family dynamic is such a mess. Fix your own shit before dating to pass judgment on others for theirs.

I’m sure OP would have more sympathy if the SC hadn’t tried to put OP in jail!

As an outsider, I do feel bad for the SC. It’s not OP’s fault, but I’m sure growing up in a broken home was not great for the SC. OP, you should definitely go to therapy to figure out how to deal with your DH pushing the relationship on you. You want to maintain your boundaries but also not resent your DH.

If SC had not tried to put OP in jail would OP at least be able to acknowledge that SC was raped?

OP here—SC has major credibility issues and lacks moral compass. SC ended up filing a police report only after relationship was ended by the other individual claiming rape. The county wanted to take the report further and prosecute the alleged rapist, but SC didn’t want to go through with it. If someone would attempt to rape me, I would file charges and will seek prosecution. SC was upset with school reading her Google docs, but she didn’t even acknowledged me being falsely accused. Does this help?

As someone who was assaulted, this all sounds incredibly naive. There are a lot of different reasons why an individual might not want to pursue prosecution. I didn’t and your SC doesn’t need to justify her decision either. It’s quite possible she didn’t feel supported enough, especially given her family history.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There’s rape and there’s consensual sex there’s no non-consensual sex

True and the stepchild is suffering immensely. But OP has also been living through hell. This is a difficult situation for ALL involved.

[Anonymous]

DP. My DD also did not persecute.... don't talk your mouth off op, unless you have been in that situation.
What a horrible human being you are. Your SDD was a minor then, what is your excuse?

[Anonymous]

The way kids learn to trust is by you teaching them by an example. Her mom lied, you don't believe her, how was she ever to learn not to lie and to trust people?
And you are suggesting that a girl that grew up with people around her lying and not trusting her should be that strong to press charges?
How about you and her dad start acting your age, and be a bigger person here?
Or is that outside of the scope of your emotional and intellectual IQ?