DH and I growing apart

[Anonymous]

I feel like it's been happening for a few years now. There also seems to be a bitterness that is growing within each of us. I feel like DH wants me to work a full-time job and do everything around the house. I already care for DD 90% of the time, cook all the meals (or plan to grab takeout and what not), clean up, etc. His day is getup around 6:15, get breakfast, watch TV, get dressed, go to work and come home around 5:30-6pm. I get DD up, dressed, fed and to daycare. I then work 8-8.5 hours, pickup DD, make dinner, play with DD, and feed the family. I play with DD after dinner, get her ready for bed and into bed. DH get's on his laptop, cell phone, etc and if I mention something he says "she's happy playing with you".

I'm at a loss. I try to have a discussion with him about spending more time with DD, but he counters back with recent "days" he's spent with her. He's a fed and had off M/T this week as did DD, so he watched her most of the day, however I still spent about 3 hours watching her, put her down for her nap, fed her, etc. He also wanted me to go back to work after having DD, so of course out of frustration last night I just asked if he wanted me to do everything then I would quit my job.

There is a lot more history than that, he's selfish like his parents, puts work as his top priority 90% of the time (not normally accessible during the day, thankfully there haven't been any emergencies), literally remembers about 10% of what I tell him (which means he asks me the same exact question 5 and 6 times or doesn't remember that as he was walking up the stairs I asked him if he could grab DD's blanket when he came back down - that happens multiple times a week)...

We've had conversations about all this, too many to count. It's always the same, he feels bad, promises to make a change, but it never happens. When he's with DD he's a great dad, I don't worry about her or anything, but I'm just not happy with how things are. I don't think DH is completely happy either, it's more like we're both just existing because it's easier. I've brought up marriage counseling but DH is resistant. He feels like that means we're about to get divorced but I think it would help us learn better ways to communicate. Thoughts?

[Anonymous]

I feel like there is an epidemic of this. Both work full time but the woman is stuck with the third shift. I know it's a problem in my marriage. In my case, it's magnified by the fact that DH earns 4x what I do - though our jobs are equally demanding.

I was up with the baby 3x last night. Ugh, I'm tired.

[Anonymous]

I feel for you. But be careful with statements such as "he's selfish like his parents." These can be self-fulling prophecies that become impossible to break out of.

He doesn't sound happy. He needs to work on that. Do you guys have enough time together to hang out and have fun? What about sex. It's really the glue of marriage.

As for not wanting to engage with your DD, I've seen this before that the mom is so "good" at parenting that se basically doesn't leave room for the dad. Since she can do things faster, more efficient etc. the dad doesn't even try. Then the child gets used to the mom doing everything and really balks when dad tries to give a bath, or tuck her in or walk her to school or whatever. Then the dad feels hurt that the child doesn't "like" him, or respond to him as warmly and pulls away.

It can be a really vicious cycle that ends with father and daughters having no relationship or tense one. To combat this, your DH must carve out some acreage with your daughter. Something that only he does with her. Library runs on Saturday morning, making pancakes together on Sunday.

The key is it has to be regular, like every week, and mom is not allowed to be involved! Mom has to say "I know nothing about XXX, that's your dad's area." Or "I hate going to XX," if the DD asks you to come, "Good thing dad loves it!"

She will resist at first, but it won't be for long, and if you don't build that relationship now, it will be too late later.

Telling someone you don't like their behavior and asking them to change is really not going to work. I agree therapy might be good. But if he won't go, start with some concrete planning. Like, Tuesday night is girl's night/book club/shopping at Nordstrom night for me. You and DD are on your own. Have fun!

GL

[Anonymous]

There are a lot of posts like this, and then the DHs can't understand why the DWs don't want to be intimate.

We went through the same thing. This lasted for about four years. It finally came to a head when confronted with some decisions we had to make about something. We argued for a few days, and DH finally realized that I also gave up a lot after the kids arrived. Prior to this, he only saw what he had to give up and all the effort he was making that he thought I didn't appreciate. But, and I have mentioned this before, I think a lot of us women have a tendency to want things done is a very specific way regarding raising our kids, and get upset if the DH doesn't live up to that. It took me a while to realize that my DH doesn't have the same standards of cleanliness, or what is appropriate for kids to wear, etc.. I had to let go of some of that. But, DH also had to realize that I was doing a lot more and the default parent. We made some life changes, and all are much happier.

[Anonymous]

Potentially simple: He thinks she's happy with you, so he makes dinner. Do you think that might be a (small) positive and feasible step?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Potentially simple: He thinks she's happy with you, so he makes dinner. Do you think that might be a (small) positive and feasible step?

OP Here - If we want something edible for dinner no. I love to cook, I would rather DH play with her while I cook or play with her after dinner.

Zero question I'm the default parent, but DH is fine with it. It's honestly how he was raised, his father is a workaholic, and his mother was a stay at home mom. She did everything, my FIL didn't change one diaper between 2 kids. I feel like DH sometimes uses his parents as an excuse as to why he is selfish (he admits it), doesn't know how to parent, etc, but he's a bloody adult who is responsible for his own decisions and needs to stop hiding behind his upbringing.

Ugh. We haven't had sex in a long time. We both would attempt to initiate months ago, but it never lead to anything. Since then, for the most part, we've given up trying.

I don't make much less than DH, only about 25% less, the difference is he is a fed with a rather protected job and has had his job longer than I.

He's not happy. I asked him a few months ago if he was happy, and his answer was he wasn't unhappy. I pointed out that isn't the same as being happy, but he refused to acknowledge he wasn't happy.

[Anonymous]

I think you two nee marriage counseling if you want to try to make it work.

[Anonymous]

How come you both initited but nothing happened?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP Here - If we want something edible for dinner no. I love to cook, I would rather DH play with her while I cook or play with her after dinner.

DH here. I'm in a similar marriage and just want to give a guy's perspective on something you said. When I read the sentence above- it looks like perhaps he can try his best at something and it still won't be good enough. So what's the point of trying at all?!? By no means am I saying the problems are all your fault, just like my own dissatisfying marriage. But if/when your husband tries to help with something outside his comfort zone- thank him for the effort even if the grilled cheese is burned and the tomato soup is from a can and scalded. Thank him for doing the laundry, don't point out that he put something in the dryer that should air dry.

But you're not alone OP. Its a vicious cycle where anger, resentment, and disappointment feed off themselves. I know that personally I've found myself focusing on the stuff that reinforces existing negative thoughts and attitudes. So I can rationalize one of those "fuck it, why bother?" days that almost certainly contributes to my wife's negative outlook on things.

It sucks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP Here - If we want something edible for dinner no. I love to cook, I would rather DH play with her while I cook or play with her after dinner.

DH here. I'm in a similar marriage and just want to give a guy's perspective on something you said. When I read the sentence above- it looks like perhaps he can try his best at something and it still won't be good enough. So what's the point of trying at all?!? By no means am I saying the problems are all your fault, just like my own dissatisfying marriage. But if/when your husband tries to help with something outside his comfort zone- thank him for the effort even if the grilled cheese is burned and the tomato soup is from a can and scalded. Thank him for doing the laundry, don't point out that he put something in the dryer that should air dry.

But you're not alone OP. Its a vicious cycle where anger, resentment, and disappointment feed off themselves. I know that personally I've found myself focusing on the stuff that reinforces existing negative thoughts and attitudes. So I can rationalize one of those "fuck it, why bother?" days that almost certainly contributes to my wife's negative outlook on things.

It sucks.

OP Here - I completely understand your perspective, but really cooking isn't something DH wants to accomplish (he doesn't try and has made it clear it's not something he wants to try.). When he is responsible for dinner he runs out and picks up something (which I fully appreciate and tell him so). I don't micromanage him at all. When DD is doing something with him I don't interject, don't correct, just smile and encourage. Having a child was outside his comfort zone. He loves DD a great deal, I don't question that at all, nor do I question his skills as a father, but our relationship has deteriorated.

[Anonymous]

If he is hesitant to try counseling, maybe you could start going on your own until he warms up to the idea. You taking the initiative to go with or without him might let him know how important and serious you find this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP Here - I completely understand your perspective, but really cooking isn't something DH wants to accomplish (he doesn't try and has made it clear it's not something he wants to try.). When he is responsible for dinner he runs out and picks up something (which I fully appreciate and tell him so). I don't micromanage him at all. When DD is doing something with him I don't interject, don't correct, just smile and encourage. Having a child was outside his comfort zone. He loves DD a great deal, I don't question that at all, nor do I question his skills as a father, but our relationship has deteriorated.

I get that- plus you love to cook. I'm sure I'm projecting my shit into your story. Last night my wife was running late, asked me to "whip something up" for dinner. I pick up pork steaks, cauliflower, augraten potatos (all on sale, thank you) and have a pretty nice dinner on the table when she and DD get home....and she was disappointed in my choice because she was planning on making pork chops tonight and I messed up her weekly menu.

Perhaps that's why I singled out that sentence.

I also understand what you mean about both initiating sex but ultimately, its just not worth the trouble to try.

The only suggestion I'd make- and I'm far from an expert- is to continue talking with him. We tend to avoid talking because it means we won't fight. But it also doesn't mean that we're not moving from "not unhappy" into "happy". It won't get any better without hard work from both of you. At least that's been the case with us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP Here - I completely understand your perspective, but really cooking isn't something DH wants to accomplish (he doesn't try and has made it clear it's not something he wants to try.). When he is responsible for dinner he runs out and picks up something (which I fully appreciate and tell him so). I don't micromanage him at all. When DD is doing something with him I don't interject, don't correct, just smile and encourage. Having a child was outside his comfort zone. He loves DD a great deal, I don't question that at all, nor do I question his skills as a father, but our relationship has deteriorated.

I get that- plus you love to cook. I'm sure I'm projecting my shit into your story. Last night my wife was running late, asked me to "whip something up" for dinner. I pick up pork steaks, cauliflower, augraten potatos (all on sale, thank you) and have a pretty nice dinner on the table when she and DD get home....and she was disappointed in my choice because she was planning on making pork chops tonight and I messed up her weekly menu.

Perhaps that's why I singled out that sentence.

I also understand what you mean about both initiating sex but ultimately, its just not worth the trouble to try.

The only suggestion I'd make- and I'm far from an expert- is to continue talking with him. We tend to avoid talking because it means we won't fight. But it also doesn't mean that we're not moving from "not unhappy" into "happy". It won't get any better without hard work from both of you. At least that's been the case with us.

OP Here - Completely understood. We are normally pretty good communicators, but when things build is when we get more and more distant/silent, that's when we have a blow up.

I asked him again today to try counseling with me, but I think I will start going myself even if he doesn't want to go.

[Anonymous]

OP. My advice is for you to spend three nights a week doing something completely outside of the home. Take a class, go to a cafe, or gym. Whatever it is. Leave you husband alone to get your daughter fed, cleaned, and asleep.

He is going to screw this up. It's going to be mess. And he's bitch and complain. But here's the thing about a lot of guys, they won't take the initiative unless they are alone with their children because they feel like they are clueless and don't want to screw up in front of you.

Explain that you are taking a "mandatory class on T-W-TH" and won't be home until 8:30. See what happens. He'll either step up and will improve as a parenting partner or will be a hot mess with no effort or attempt for improvement in which case you know this and can take the next steps necessary to move on to a life of single parenting (since you already are).

As for connecting with your DH, put that to the side for the moment. Try to fix the parenting/partner issue. That may lead to better in roads.

[Anonymous]

You either make peace with having a not good enough meal, putting wrong pants on the child, taking her to the wrong park and feeding her the wrong snack or you will be stuck forever doing everything by yourself because only you can do it perfectly up to your own standards. The children suffer from tensions in the marriage. Decide what matters to you and let go of the rest, he needs space and encouragement to pull his own weight. Even if something is done crooked - give praise and move forward, together.