Did your tomboy grow out of it? Or not?

[Anonymous]

DD, age 3, WILL NOT, over her dead body, put on anything she deems "for girls," including girl's underpants. She rejects anything that might be a "girl's color," let alone skirts or, God forbid, dresses. This also extends to anything she perceives to be girl-y, including rainbows, unicorns, butterflies, and so on. Call her princess and she freaks the eff out. Instead, she loves dinosaurs, superheroes, bugs and anything reptile (she has about a zillion stuffed dinosaurs, but she cares for them the way many kids do with dolls--feeding them, dressing them, tucking them into bed, etc.). She talks about wanting to be a boy when she grows up, and often says she is "pretending to be a boy." When I ask her what it means to her to be a boy when she grows up, she says she wants to pee standing up.

Yes, she has an older brother (age 5), and she worships him. Anything he says or does is cool to her, and most of her life she's tagged along with him and his friends. For whatever reason, we didn't have much off a girls' peer group when she was younger, and even now that she's in preschool she generally prefers playing with boys, though she has friends who are girls, too.

At our last pediatrician's appointment, the doctor asked us if we'd be o.k. if she stays like this (i.e., is trans), and yes, we would be. But it wouldn't be our first choice for her, of course, and I do mourn a little over not getting to have a "girl" the way most parents do. For those of you who've had girls like this, did they outgrow it? If they didn't, when did you know?

[Anonymous]

Please just love your child for who she is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD, age 3, WILL NOT, over her dead body, put on anything she deems "for girls," including girl's underpants. She rejects anything that might be a "girl's color," let alone skirts or, God forbid, dresses. This also extends to anything she perceives to be girl-y, including rainbows, unicorns, butterflies, and so on. Call her princess and she freaks the eff out. Instead, she loves dinosaurs, superheroes, bugs and anything reptile (she has about a zillion stuffed dinosaurs, but she cares for them the way many kids do with dolls--feeding them, dressing them, tucking them into bed, etc.). She talks about wanting to be a boy when she grows up, and often says she is "pretending to be a boy." When I ask her what it means to her to be a boy when she grows up, she says she wants to pee standing up.

Yes, she has an older brother (age 5), and she worships him. Anything he says or does is cool to her, and most of her life she's tagged along with him and his friends. For whatever reason, we didn't have much off a girls' peer group when she was younger, and even now that she's in preschool she generally prefers playing with boys, though she has friends who are girls, too.

At our last pediatrician's appointment, the doctor asked us if we'd be o.k. if she stays like this (i.e., is trans), and yes, we would be. But it wouldn't be our first choice for her, of course, and I do mourn a little over not getting to have a "girl" the way most parents do. For those of you who've had girls like this, did they outgrow it? If they didn't, when did you know?

Who said that she "is trans"? Did you? Did the pediatrician?

She says that she is pretending to be a boy. She likes stuffed dinosaurs. She plays with boys. She doesn't like dresses, unicorns, or butterflies. That doesn't make her "trans". That makes her a three-year-old girl who pretends to be a boy, likes stuffed dinosaurs, plays with boys, and doesn't like dresses, unicorns, or butterflies.

Here is an article about a five-year-old transgender boy (i.e., a child who was biologically a girl but identified as a boy) that you might find interesting: http://www.washingtonpost.com/local/transgender-at-five/2012/05/19/gIQABfFkbU_story.html

[Anonymous]

Also, what girl or woman of any sense wouldn't want to be able to pee standing up (without making a mess, that is -- obviously anybody of any gender who is able to pee and able to stand can pee standing up)?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD, age 3, WILL NOT, over her dead body, put on anything she deems "for girls," including girl's underpants. She rejects anything that might be a "girl's color," let alone skirts or, God forbid, dresses. This also extends to anything she perceives to be girl-y, including rainbows, unicorns, butterflies, and so on. Call her princess and she freaks the eff out. Instead, she loves dinosaurs, superheroes, bugs and anything reptile (she has about a zillion stuffed dinosaurs, but she cares for them the way many kids do with dolls--feeding them, dressing them, tucking them into bed, etc.). She talks about wanting to be a boy when she grows up, and often says she is "pretending to be a boy." When I ask her what it means to her to be a boy when she grows up, she says she wants to pee standing up.

Yes, she has an older brother (age 5), and she worships him. Anything he says or does is cool to her, and most of her life she's tagged along with him and his friends. For whatever reason, we didn't have much off a girls' peer group when she was younger, and even now that she's in preschool she generally prefers playing with boys, though she has friends who are girls, too.

At our last pediatrician's appointment, the doctor asked us if we'd be o.k. if she stays like this (i.e., is trans), and yes, we would be. But it wouldn't be our first choice for her, of course, and I do mourn a little over not getting to have a "girl" the way most parents do. For those of you who've had girls like this, did they outgrow it? If they didn't, when did you know?

Who said that she "is trans"? Did you? Did the pediatrician?

She says that she is pretending to be a boy. She likes stuffed dinosaurs. She plays with boys. She doesn't like dresses, unicorns, or butterflies. That doesn't make her "trans". That makes her a three-year-old girl who pretends to be a boy, likes stuffed dinosaurs, plays with boys, and doesn't like dresses, unicorns, or butterflies.

Here is an article about a five-year-old transgender boy (i.e., a child who was biologically a girl but identified as a boy) that you might find interesting: http://www.washingtonpost.com/local/transgender-at-five/2012/05/19/gIQABfFkbU_story.html

Agree with this completely. I was an inveterate tomboy as a child, much like yours. I'm still very much a woman, still don't like to wear dresses, and am now happily married with kids. Please hold off on labeling your daughter. And dont' push too hard, or she'll feel your disapproval more strongly than your love.

[Anonymous]

OP, you sound like a great mom who wants the best for her kid and because of that it sounds to me like you're trying to predict the future so you can prepare. But you can't. I'm not well-versed on trans development but my guess is that your child might or might not change. You'll just have to wait and see.

I know I wanted to be a boy when I was little -- but that was also the 50s and the 60s when being a girl absolutely sucked. I didn't really want to be a boy so much as I wanted to do the cool things that boys could do. I'm still something of a gender non-conformer today but I like being a woman now that I'm free to define that the way I want to.

And I know a number of trans people, most of whom seem pretty happy to me, especially if they live in a community that accepts them for who they are. If your kid is trans, thank goodness you live in a time when there's growing acceptance for trans people. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

I think the PP that said you just can't know is correct. A neighbor's DD was much like yours. She's 12 now. I am still not sure. She's still very tomboyish, athletic, and seems to spend more time with friends that are boys than girls. Who knows what puberty will hold for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you sound like a great mom who wants the best for her kid and because of that it sounds to me like you're trying to predict the future so you can prepare. But you can't. I'm not well-versed on trans development but my guess is that your child might or might not change. You'll just have to wait and see.

I know I wanted to be a boy when I was little -- but that was also the 50s and the 60s when being a girl absolutely sucked. I didn't really want to be a boy so much as I wanted to do the cool things that boys could do. I'm still something of a gender non-conformer today but I like being a woman now that I'm free to define that the way I want to.

And I know a number of trans people, most of whom seem pretty happy to me, especially if they live in a community that accepts them for who they are. If your kid is trans, thank goodness you live in a time when there's growing acceptance for trans people. Good luck!

Dar Williams sings about this in "When I Was A Boy":

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BE5YzRr9yPo

[Anonymous]

OP here, and I absolutely love my daughter for who she is. My brother-in-law is trans, I am bi, and we are a super queer- friendly household. (I am also not terribly gender conforming myself.) This has absolutely nothing to do with not adoring my quirky, funny, happy kid; we never try to force her to do, wear, or be anything other than what she wants.

That said, of course we wonder what the future brings (wouldn't you?). I'm just curious to hear more about others' experiences with raising gender non-conforming kids, if they did or didn't grow out of it, and how and when they made their decisions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD, age 3, WILL NOT, over her dead body, put on anything she deems "for girls," including girl's underpants. She rejects anything that might be a "girl's color," let alone skirts or, God forbid, dresses. This also extends to anything she perceives to be girl-y, including rainbows, unicorns, butterflies, and so on. Call her princess and she freaks the eff out. Instead, she loves dinosaurs, superheroes, bugs and anything reptile (she has about a zillion stuffed dinosaurs, but she cares for them the way many kids do with dolls--feeding them, dressing them, tucking them into bed, etc.). She talks about wanting to be a boy when she grows up, and often says she is "pretending to be a boy." When I ask her what it means to her to be a boy when she grows up, she says she wants to pee standing up.

Yes, she has an older brother (age 5), and she worships him. Anything he says or does is cool to her, and most of her life she's tagged along with him and his friends. For whatever reason, we didn't have much off a girls' peer group when she was younger, and even now that she's in preschool she generally prefers playing with boys, though she has friends who are girls, too.

At our last pediatrician's appointment, the doctor asked us if we'd be o.k. if she stays like this (i.e., is trans), and yes, we would be. But it wouldn't be our first choice for her, of course, and I do mourn a little over not getting to have a "girl" the way most parents do. For those of you who've had girls like this, did they outgrow it? If they didn't, when did you know?

OP, at this age, I don't think you have anything to worry about. But this, bolded, is interesting and could explain some of this. She just is more comfortable around boys than girls.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you sound like a great mom who wants the best for her kid and because of that it sounds to me like you're trying to predict the future so you can prepare. But you can't. I'm not well-versed on trans development but my guess is that your child might or might not change. You'll just have to wait and see.

I know I wanted to be a boy when I was little -- but that was also the 50s and the 60s when being a girl absolutely sucked. I didn't really want to be a boy so much as I wanted to do the cool things that boys could do. I'm still something of a gender non-conformer today but I like being a woman now that I'm free to define that the way I want to.

And I know a number of trans people, most of whom seem pretty happy to me, especially if they live in a community that accepts them for who they are. If your kid is trans, thank goodness you live in a time when there's growing acceptance for trans people. Good luck!

Dar Williams sings about this in "When I Was A Boy":

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BE5YzRr9yPo

Pp here. That song made me sob the first time I heard it. Very powerful and completely described how I felt back then.

[Anonymous]

OP, I never really grew out of it. FWIW, I'm a heterosexual cisgendered woman, but I just thought "girl stuff" was SO BORING (still do), and my brother and the neighborhood boys and I went and did stuff that was much more interesting to us.

[Anonymous]

Please don't label her a tomboy. She is a girl who likes certain things and certain colors. Save the trans talk for later. Right now, just revel in not having to drown in pink or barbies or whatever it is that you aren't crazy about when it comes to girls. In other words, enjoy her for who she is now. It doesn't matter if others outgrew it or now. She's who she is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I never really grew out of it. FWIW, I'm a heterosexual cisgendered woman, but I just thought "girl stuff" was SO BORING (still do), and my brother and the neighborhood boys and I went and did stuff that was much more interesting to us.

+1

[Anonymous]

OP, I don't have any insight for you, but I just wanted to comment that I understand your question and where you're coming from. Raising a kid who is not gender conforming is going to have unique challenges, and of course you want to be as prepared as possible to be the best parent possible. No, you can't predict the future, but that doesn't mean you want to sit around and just be a bystander to your child's childhood.

I also think it's clear that you'll love and support your daughter, whoever she is or wants to be. Even though it shouldn't be, that's not something all kids are so lucky to have and I commend you for it.

Anyway, this isn't coming out as clearly or concisely as I'd hoped, but just wanted to offer a bit of support and compassion, as you seemed to be getting unfairly attacked for what I think is an understandable and compassionate question on your part.