SAHM’s - anyone successfully convince DH to support their staying home long term?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:SAHM are pathetic. At home doing the unpaid labor their husbands don't want to do. Who wants to spend their days cleaning house and grocery shopping?

I know so many super liberal SAHMs in DC who are all up in arms about their daughters' future reproductive lives while they literally are stepford wives modeling for their daughters how men have oppressed women for generations and the woman lap it up like they have won the lottery because they can take yoga at 10 am before the pediatrician appointment.

Beats making spreadsheets, attending meetings, zooming endless conference calls. Most working woman are not highly paid human rights lawyers. Most jobs are burning, uninteresting and unfulfilling

So young girls should choose to stay home having babies instead? It's so disheartening to see bright, educated women opting to reinforce tired gender roles over and over again versus modeling an equitable household in which women earn money AND men nurture and feed children. It is absolutely grotesque that women continue to sell themselves short over and over again.

[Anonymous]

I think that most people who do freelance work or work less than about 20-30 hours a week still refer to themselves as SAHMs in these threads.

I have seen people refer to themselves as SAHMs even though they:
- work at their kids elementary schools every day that the school is open
- own and manage multiple rental properties
- do freelance, hourly, or consulting work
- do part time shift work (doctors and nurses)
- do the books and some of the management for their husband's small business

This is me — I make about 35k a year doing freelance consulting work but refer to myself as a SAHM on here. I also basically feel like a SAHM in life. I do not have the same juggle with job/commute/childcare that WOHMs deal with. I can always scale back work to accommodate parenting. Today I’m lying around the house cleaning and relaxing while my kid is at school because I’m between projects with work.

I don’t think WOHMs want me as “one of them.” Especially on these boards, there’s a ton of martyrdom that goes along with it, like look at me, I do EVERYTHING a SAHM does PLUS I work, SAHMs are lazy, etc.

I just want to enjoy my life, make enough money that we can live fairly comfortably, get to spend time with my kid, and not stress too much. I learned a long time ago that my career is not that fulfilling, and motherhood offered me something more rewarding. So I seized that and just kind of finagled a solution on the work side. If we were independently wealthy, or my DH made a ton of money (he doesn’t, he makes around 100k which is less than I used to), I would not work at all, I’d write a novel or take up painting or volunteer at a museum.

Life is short and precious and I don’t want to spend it doing boring corporate work if I can avoid it, which it turns out I mostly can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:SAHM are pathetic. At home doing the unpaid labor their husbands don't want to do. Who wants to spend their days cleaning house and grocery shopping?

I know so many super liberal SAHMs in DC who are all up in arms about their daughters' future reproductive lives while they literally are stepford wives modeling for their daughters how men have oppressed women for generations and the woman lap it up like they have won the lottery because they can take yoga at 10 am before the pediatrician appointment.

Beats making spreadsheets, attending meetings, zooming endless conference calls. Most working woman are not highly paid human rights lawyers. Most jobs are burning, uninteresting and unfulfilling

That may be true for women who have useless degrees or no ambition. Why are the men going to work if it’s so terrible? Many of these men have night and weekend work. It’s because even the mundane tasks that come with being a professional are better than cleaning house and changing diapers. Women who choose to do this don’t aspire to anything else. Women who cherish the highlight of their day as yoga in the afternoon with their friends don’t get it. Their needs are always below the breadwinner in the house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:SAHM are pathetic. At home doing the unpaid labor their husbands don't want to do. Who wants to spend their days cleaning house and grocery shopping?

I know so many super liberal SAHMs in DC who are all up in arms about their daughters' future reproductive lives while they literally are stepford wives modeling for their daughters how men have oppressed women for generations and the woman lap it up like they have won the lottery because they can take yoga at 10 am before the pediatrician appointment.

But what if they genuinely want to be able to take yoga at 10 am instead of going to what they consider a tedious, demanding job?

That's the thing. Not everyone wants the same thing. I don't want to work. I know that sounds bad but it's the truth. I consider myself lucky that I don't have to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:SAHM are pathetic. At home doing the unpaid labor their husbands don't want to do. Who wants to spend their days cleaning house and grocery shopping?

I know so many super liberal SAHMs in DC who are all up in arms about their daughters' future reproductive lives while they literally are stepford wives modeling for their daughters how men have oppressed women for generations and the woman lap it up like they have won the lottery because they can take yoga at 10 am before the pediatrician appointment.

Beats making spreadsheets, attending meetings, zooming endless conference calls. Most working woman are not highly paid human rights lawyers. Most jobs are burning, uninteresting and unfulfilling

So young girls should choose to stay home having babies instead? It's so disheartening to see bright, educated women opting to reinforce tired gender roles over and over again versus modeling an equitable household in which women earn money AND men nurture and feed children. It is absolutely grotesque that women continue to sell themselves short over and over again.

LOL
No it's great that women have choices! I'm having a great life, and now continue to do what I want even though my kids are older now. In fact, I have friends that feel they missed out by going to a boring job everyday day in and day out. Still most women are probably in and out of the work force. Again it's about personal decisions. What may work for you may not for someone else. Don't be jealous or envious. With careful planning anyone can accomplish the lifestyle they desire.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:SAHM are pathetic. At home doing the unpaid labor their husbands don't want to do. Who wants to spend their days cleaning house and grocery shopping?

I know so many super liberal SAHMs in DC who are all up in arms about their daughters' future reproductive lives while they literally are stepford wives modeling for their daughters how men have oppressed women for generations and the woman lap it up like they have won the lottery because they can take yoga at 10 am before the pediatrician appointment.

Beats making spreadsheets, attending meetings, zooming endless conference calls. Most working woman are not highly paid human rights lawyers. Most jobs are burning, uninteresting and unfulfilling

So young girls should choose to stay home having babies instead? It's so disheartening to see bright, educated women opting to reinforce tired gender roles over and over again versus modeling an equitable household in which women earn money AND men nurture and feed children. It is absolutely grotesque that women continue to sell themselves short over and over again.

It sounds like you don’t value when raising children and being a homemaker. Not everyone feels the same way you do. Many people would think you’re selling yourself short by NOT dedicating your life to raising children and being a homemaker. I’m a WOHM but glad women still have an option to not have a career.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I will get a life annuity when I turn 62 because it was OUR retirement all along. I'm merely collecting my portion which is 100% because he ended up dying. My friend gets lifetime alimony unless she remarries. Common if the couples are over 50 and if it's a diamond splitter divorce.

What's a diamond splitter divorce?

Couples who are over 50.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:SAHM are pathetic. At home doing the unpaid labor their husbands don't want to do. Who wants to spend their days cleaning house and grocery shopping?

I know so many super liberal SAHMs in DC who are all up in arms about their daughters' future reproductive lives while they literally are stepford wives modeling for their daughters how men have oppressed women for generations and the woman lap it up like they have won the lottery because they can take yoga at 10 am before the pediatrician appointment.

Beats making spreadsheets, attending meetings, zooming endless conference calls. Most working woman are not highly paid human rights lawyers. Most jobs are burning, uninteresting and unfulfilling

That may be true for women who have useless degrees or no ambition. Why are the men going to work if it’s so terrible? Many of these men have night and weekend work. It’s because even the mundane tasks that come with being a professional are better than cleaning house and changing diapers. Women who choose to do this don’t aspire to anything else. Women who cherish the highlight of their day as yoga in the afternoon with their friends don’t get it. Their needs are always below the breadwinner in the house.

My DH would love not to work.

A lot of men are beholden to the idea that childcare and housework are “feminine” activities and that it would be embarrassing or inappropriate for them to do it. It’s deeply ingrained. Even men who want to be equal partners and work hard at it struggle with this sometimes.

I think the assumption that paid work is more interesting, meaningful, and fulfilling than childcare and housework is part of that same social programming. We assume changing diapers and cleaning the house are unfulfilling because we have assigned this work low social status and expect women to do it for free or for low wages.

But having done well-paid corporate work and the work of a SAHM, I find the latter more fulfilling. The work you do as a SAHM has an immediate and obvious benefit to your family. And to you! I love being in a house I just cleaned, or seeing the kid I taught to get themselves dressed, get dressed! My rewards are immediate and satisfying. At work, the reward was money. Sometimes I had a project that felt fulfilling, but it was always tempered by office politics, unreasonable client demands, or just the sheer amount of BS I had to deal with to just do my job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:SAHM are pathetic. At home doing the unpaid labor their husbands don't want to do. Who wants to spend their days cleaning house and grocery shopping?

I know so many super liberal SAHMs in DC who are all up in arms about their daughters' future reproductive lives while they literally are stepford wives modeling for their daughters how men have oppressed women for generations and the woman lap it up like they have won the lottery because they can take yoga at 10 am before the pediatrician appointment.

Beats making spreadsheets, attending meetings, zooming endless conference calls. Most working woman are not highly paid human rights lawyers. Most jobs are burning, uninteresting and unfulfilling

So young girls should choose to stay home having babies instead? It's so disheartening to see bright, educated women opting to reinforce tired gender roles over and over again versus modeling an equitable household in which women earn money AND men nurture and feed children. It is absolutely grotesque that women continue to sell themselves short over and over again.

LOL
No it's great that women have choices! I'm having a great life, and now continue to do what I want even though my kids are older now. In fact, I have friends that feel they missed out by going to a boring job everyday day in and day out. Still most women are probably in and out of the work force. Again it's about personal decisions. What may work for you may not for someone else. Don't be jealous or envious. With careful planning anyone can accomplish the lifestyle they desire.

You are completely brainwashed. If staying at home is so great, why aren't men falling over themselves to do it? And god only knows how you can look your daughters in the eyes and tell them they can do anything that boys can do. Do anything you want! As long as you're at pickup by 3:20 and dinner is on the table by 6 when Daddy gets home!!!

My only regret is that I didn't have any daughters, but I can guarantee that my sons will expect to be equal partners in every way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:SAHM are pathetic. At home doing the unpaid labor their husbands don't want to do. Who wants to spend their days cleaning house and grocery shopping?

I know so many super liberal SAHMs in DC who are all up in arms about their daughters' future reproductive lives while they literally are stepford wives modeling for their daughters how men have oppressed women for generations and the woman lap it up like they have won the lottery because they can take yoga at 10 am before the pediatrician appointment.

Beats making spreadsheets, attending meetings, zooming endless conference calls. Most working woman are not highly paid human rights lawyers. Most jobs are burning, uninteresting and unfulfilling

So young girls should choose to stay home having babies instead? It's so disheartening to see bright, educated women opting to reinforce tired gender roles over and over again versus modeling an equitable household in which women earn money AND men nurture and feed children. It is absolutely grotesque that women continue to sell themselves short over and over again.

LOL
No it's great that women have choices! I'm having a great life, and now continue to do what I want even though my kids are older now. In fact, I have friends that feel they missed out by going to a boring job everyday day in and day out. Still most women are probably in and out of the work force. Again it's about personal decisions. What may work for you may not for someone else. Don't be jealous or envious. With careful planning anyone can accomplish the lifestyle they desire.

You are completely brainwashed. If staying at home is so great, why aren't men falling over themselves to do it? And god only knows how you can look your daughters in the eyes and tell them they can do anything that boys can do. Do anything you want! As long as you're at pickup by 3:20 and dinner is on the table by 6 when Daddy gets home!!!

My only regret is that I didn't have any daughters, but I can guarantee that my sons will expect to be equal partners in every way.

Are you kidding? Do you really think tons of men would keep going to work if they won the lottery? The problem for men is that there are relatively few high earning women.

MOST people would prefer not to have to work for money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:SAHM are pathetic. At home doing the unpaid labor their husbands don't want to do. Who wants to spend their days cleaning house and grocery shopping?

I know so many super liberal SAHMs in DC who are all up in arms about their daughters' future reproductive lives while they literally are stepford wives modeling for their daughters how men have oppressed women for generations and the woman lap it up like they have won the lottery because they can take yoga at 10 am before the pediatrician appointment.

Beats making spreadsheets, attending meetings, zooming endless conference calls. Most working woman are not highly paid human rights lawyers. Most jobs are burning, uninteresting and unfulfilling

So young girls should choose to stay home having babies instead? It's so disheartening to see bright, educated women opting to reinforce tired gender roles over and over again versus modeling an equitable household in which women earn money AND men nurture and feed children. It is absolutely grotesque that women continue to sell themselves short over and over again.

LOL
No it's great that women have choices! I'm having a great life, and now continue to do what I want even though my kids are older now. In fact, I have friends that feel they missed out by going to a boring job everyday day in and day out. Still most women are probably in and out of the work force. Again it's about personal decisions. What may work for you may not for someone else. Don't be jealous or envious. With careful planning anyone can accomplish the lifestyle they desire.

You are completely brainwashed. If staying at home is so great, why aren't men falling over themselves to do it? And god only knows how you can look your daughters in the eyes and tell them they can do anything that boys can do. Do anything you want! As long as you're at pickup by 3:20 and dinner is on the table by 6 when Daddy gets home!!!

My only regret is that I didn't have any daughters, but I can guarantee that my sons will expect to be equal partners in every way.

Are you kidding? Do you really think tons of men would keep going to work if they won the lottery? The problem for men is that there are relatively few high earning women.

MOST people would prefer not to have to work for money.

Nobody is talking about winning the lottery. And in this area, women are absolutely capable of earning similar money to men, but they are the ones who overwhelmingly take themselves out of the workforce to clean the house and raise the babies. Again, if it was so great to do unpaid childcare and housework, the men would have snatched those roles up. The fact that women think that their only options are to be SAHM or have a boring and unfulfilling job is pathetic and sad.

[Anonymous]

Things no man is thinking: Gee, I wish I could get off this boring conference call so I could wash the cloth diapers and clean the oven. My wife is so lucky.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:SAHM are pathetic. At home doing the unpaid labor their husbands don't want to do. Who wants to spend their days cleaning house and grocery shopping?

I know so many super liberal SAHMs in DC who are all up in arms about their daughters' future reproductive lives while they literally are stepford wives modeling for their daughters how men have oppressed women for generations and the woman lap it up like they have won the lottery because they can take yoga at 10 am before the pediatrician appointment.

But what if they genuinely want to be able to take yoga at 10 am instead of going to what they consider a tedious, demanding job?

That's the thing. Not everyone wants the same thing. I don't want to work. I know that sounds bad but it's the truth. I consider myself lucky that I don't have to.

have you asked your husband if he would like to go to yoga at 10 am?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband persuaded me rather than other way around. I wanted a big job and individual identity. However our children had/ have special needs and would not thrive without lots of supports and advocacy, when the youngest is in college, i hope to return to
Grad School and a late in life vocation even if it is volunteer.

We are not wealthy but stable. We make choices to support our family as a whole - balancing pros and cons of being a single income family will be different for every family.

But why is it the woman who has to always make the sacrifice?

Because men have more upward mobility in their careers. Fair or not, it is the truth. Women are pregnant for 9 months (a lot of drs appts, bed rest maybe, more tired, slower, feeling sick), plus months gone on maternity leave, plus not as efficient when returning to work in many cases (want to leave early, have to pump several times, kid sick, nanny sick, etc). Men can move along in their career entirely uninterrupted and they make more money

NP. And all of this is wrong and unfair. Instead of just accepting this, we all should be fighting for equal pay for women and better, more family-friendly policies for ALL workers.

Someone else responded earlier (and I see it repeated over and over on these mommy war threads) that for many SAHMs, they found their work unfulfilling, so why go back. Well, I'm guessing an equal number of men out there find their work unfulfilling, but they keep doing it to pay their families' bills. Why should that all fall on them? That is sexist BS, too.

It is a personal decision for each family whether a parent stays home with their kids before they go to school. Parents may stay home later than that in various circumstances, for instance, as SN child who really needs a full-time parent to manage things for them even if they are in school. Every family has to make choices that work for both partners and their children. But the choice to be a stay-at-home parent wouldn't ideally always fall to mom because she is female. All the justifications for why it is mom in our current country are based on sexist BS things that we should all work to change. Nor should a father be looked down upon for choosing to be that SAHP.

The problems are with our capitalist American culture and the way it devalues parenthood and family over profit. With the way it devalues women and looks down on childcare.

Stop attacking each other as a way to justify your own choices. Stop perpetuating sexist myths to justify your own choices. We should all be working together to make this country better for all children and families.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Things no man is thinking: Gee, I wish I could get off this boring conference call so I could wash the cloth diapers and clean the oven. My wife is so lucky.

I'll bet you there are a good number of them who would like to have a few years to think about nothing but those things, to go to work out when the want and be freed from the breadwinner pressure.