SAHM’s - anyone successfully convince DH to support their staying home long term?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Real question- what do SAHM’s do with their time when the kids are in school all day or out of the house altogether?

Well, what kinds of things do you do on the weekends? Start there. I clean the house, run errands, go to the grocery store, prep meals, tidy up after kids, organize their wardrobes, do laundry, etc.

I work on obedience training our dog, organize our photos, spend some time on social media (including wasting time on DCUM clearly lol), go to exercise classes, take my dog on long walks while listening to podcasts. My husband and I do a lunch date once a week. Some weeks I meet up with my mom for lunch. I go to coffee with a group of friends after our barre class once a week. I do the usual personal upkeep stuff - hair, nails, bikini wax, occasionally a massage or facial. I occasionally go shopping with a friend or on my own. I read a lot and I'm in a book group. Before the pandemic, I volunteered in the kids' schools. Recently I started volunteering at an animal shelter.

My husband is semi retired. In the winter, we go skiing once a week. In the spring and fall we play tennis together. We love to travel and we do it as much as we can. I research and plan all of our trips (6-7 including long weekends).

Our afternoons are very busy because our kids are busy. I pick up the kids from school twice a week to get them to the tutor on time and I facilitate stuff with the tutor. I take the kids to their activities. Some I have to stay for. I usually take them to the library once a week to return and pick up new books. Then back home for dinner, homework, showers, bedtime routine.

Weekends we like to keep free so we can do fun stuff with the kids. Outings to their games, kid friendly museums, the zoo or aquarium, hikes, skiing in the winter, etc. Church on Sunday, brunch after with my in laws, and we have game night every Sunday night.

IDK, it feels like a nice life to me. It's privileged for sure, I admit that. Raising our kids to be good people gives me a sense of purpose. Noticing and appreciating life's little moments gives me meaning.

Sounds like you are rich (what with the constant lunches out, skiing and tennis, semi retired husband, etc.). Nice for you I guess but far from reality for most people.

Wealthy or not, the PP doesn’t have her own money and she would be vulnerable in the case of divorce. Do you think her husband would want to pay alimony for a lifetime for an able- bodied brown woman?

Doesn’t matter if he wants to or not. If they’ve been married a long time, she’ll get it. Plus half their assets.

Typo…not brown but grown. I don’t know any divorced SAHM who got lifetime alimony. Half the assets yes, but to be “maintained” like a mistress for a lifetime is laughable.

Friend in Virginia just got divorced. Married 15 years. She works but makes about 25% of what he does. She is getting alimony for 7 years.

And she got half the assets, including part of his 401(k).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been mostly a SAHM/SAHW for 33 years. I am a personal trainer and work about 10-15 hours a week. I didn’t have to “convince” my DH of anything. We agreed before we got married that I would SAH. It’s never been an issue. These are the kinds of things you discuss before you get married. Shared goals and a shared vision of what you want your life to look like is so important.

While I agree with this people do change their minds on many stances and views.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been mostly a SAHM/SAHW for 33 years. I am a personal trainer and work about 10-15 hours a week. I didn’t have to “convince” my DH of anything. We agreed before we got married that I would SAH. It’s never been an issue. These are the kinds of things you discuss before you get married. Shared goals and a shared vision of what you want your life to look like is so important.

While I agree with this people do change their minds on many stances and views.

Right?
I mean, most people go into marriage agreeing to stay married, but half of marriages end in divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been mostly a SAHM/SAHW for 33 years. I am a personal trainer and work about 10-15 hours a week. I didn’t have to “convince” my DH of anything. We agreed before we got married that I would SAH. It’s never been an issue. These are the kinds of things you discuss before you get married. Shared goals and a shared vision of what you want your life to look like is so important.

While I agree with this people do change their minds on many stances and views.

When I got married, I earned more than dh. I was very ambitious. I was not planning on being a SAHM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband persuaded me rather than other way around. I wanted a big job and individual identity. However our children had/ have special needs and would not thrive without lots of supports and advocacy, when the youngest is in college, i hope to return to
Grad School and a late in life vocation even if it is volunteer.

We are not wealthy but stable. We make choices to support our family as a whole - balancing pros and cons of being a single income family will be different for every family.

But why is it the woman who has to always make the sacrifice?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been mostly a SAHM/SAHW for 33 years. I am a personal trainer and work about 10-15 hours a week. I didn’t have to “convince” my DH of anything. We agreed before we got married that I would SAH. It’s never been an issue. These are the kinds of things you discuss before you get married. Shared goals and a shared vision of what you want your life to look like is so important.

While I agree with this people do change their minds on many stances and views.

This. I think it depends on when in life you are getting married, how soon you will have kids, and then whether things go according to plan.

I wound up becoming a SAHM with a flexible PT job but it's not what we planned. It's just that after our first child was born, I was extremely unhappy at work and the logistics of two FT WOH parents was a real strain on us. I really wanted to be home and was very unhappy to be away from my baby. We were unhappy with our childcare, as our options had not been good. And our home life felt chaotic and stressful. So even though we'd never planned on me becoming a SAHM, I did. Because it wasn't what I planned, we really had to work it out together on the fly -- what it meant for our finances, our relationship, the division of labor in our home. There were bumps but we talked through them. It was the right choices for us and we are both happy with it even years later.

I think it's more important to marry someone who understands plans can change and with whom you are able to resolve issues than to be 100% in alignment on every life choice. Obviously you should talk through things and you don't want to be in disagreement on the big stuff (like if you think you might want to SAHM but aren't sure, probably don't marry someone who thinks SAHMs are throwing away their lives). But it's okay to not have it all figured out, or to change your mind, or to try one thing and discover it's not right so you make a different choice.

Inflexibility is the worst possible trait to have in a marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been mostly a SAHM/SAHW for 33 years. I am a personal trainer and work about 10-15 hours a week. I didn’t have to “convince” my DH of anything. We agreed before we got married that I would SAH. It’s never been an issue. These are the kinds of things you discuss before you get married. Shared goals and a shared vision of what you want your life to look like is so important.

While I agree with this people do change their minds on many stances and views.

This. I think it depends on when in life you are getting married, how soon you will have kids, and then whether things go according to plan.

I wound up becoming a SAHM with a flexible PT job but it's not what we planned. It's just that after our first child was born, I was extremely unhappy at work and the logistics of two FT WOH parents was a real strain on us. I really wanted to be home and was very unhappy to be away from my baby. We were unhappy with our childcare, as our options had not been good. And our home life felt chaotic and stressful. So even though we'd never planned on me becoming a SAHM, I did. Because it wasn't what I planned, we really had to work it out together on the fly -- what it meant for our finances, our relationship, the division of labor in our home. There were bumps but we talked through them. It was the right choices for us and we are both happy with it even years later.

I think it's more important to marry someone who understands plans can change and with whom you are able to resolve issues than to be 100% in alignment on every life choice. Obviously you should talk through things and you don't want to be in disagreement on the big stuff (like if you think you might want to SAHM but aren't sure, probably don't marry someone who thinks SAHMs are throwing away their lives). But it's okay to not have it all figured out, or to change your mind, or to try one thing and discover it's not right so you make a different choice.

Inflexibility is the worst possible trait to have in a marriage.

It’s one thing to SAH when children are young but to resist working even when they’re self sufficient or gone to college is quite limiting. You can upgrade your skills or pursue more education even if you’ve been out of the workforce. It seems to me that most SAHMs tend to take the path of least resistance and just not do anything to challenge themselves or achieve self-growth. Even freelance work is a great option. It doesn’t have to be a 40-hour office role that has been sneered at by some of the PPs in this thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Real question- what do SAHM’s do with their time when the kids are in school all day or out of the house altogether?

Well, what kinds of things do you do on the weekends? Start there. I clean the house, run errands, go to the grocery store, prep meals, tidy up after kids, organize their wardrobes, do laundry, etc.

I work on obedience training our dog, organize our photos, spend some time on social media (including wasting time on DCUM clearly lol), go to exercise classes, take my dog on long walks while listening to podcasts. My husband and I do a lunch date once a week. Some weeks I meet up with my mom for lunch. I go to coffee with a group of friends after our barre class once a week. I do the usual personal upkeep stuff - hair, nails, bikini wax, occasionally a massage or facial. I occasionally go shopping with a friend or on my own. I read a lot and I'm in a book group. Before the pandemic, I volunteered in the kids' schools. Recently I started volunteering at an animal shelter.

My husband is semi retired. In the winter, we go skiing once a week. In the spring and fall we play tennis together. We love to travel and we do it as much as we can. I research and plan all of our trips (6-7 including long weekends).

Our afternoons are very busy because our kids are busy. I pick up the kids from school twice a week to get them to the tutor on time and I facilitate stuff with the tutor. I take the kids to their activities. Some I have to stay for. I usually take them to the library once a week to return and pick up new books. Then back home for dinner, homework, showers, bedtime routine.

Weekends we like to keep free so we can do fun stuff with the kids. Outings to their games, kid friendly museums, the zoo or aquarium, hikes, skiing in the winter, etc. Church on Sunday, brunch after with my in laws, and we have game night every Sunday night.

IDK, it feels like a nice life to me. It's privileged for sure, I admit that. Raising our kids to be good people gives me a sense of purpose. Noticing and appreciating life's little moments gives me meaning.

Sounds like you are rich (what with the constant lunches out, skiing and tennis, semi retired husband, etc.). Nice for you I guess but far from reality for most people.

Wealthy or not, the PP doesn’t have her own money and she would be vulnerable in the case of divorce. Do you think her husband would want to pay alimony for a lifetime for an able- bodied brown woman?

Doesn’t matter if he wants to or not. If they’ve been married a long time, she’ll get it. Plus half their assets.

Typo…not brown but grown. I don’t know any divorced SAHM who got lifetime alimony. Half the assets yes, but to be “maintained” like a mistress for a lifetime is laughable.

Friend in Virginia just got divorced. Married 15 years. She works but makes about 25% of what he does. She is getting alimony for 7 years.

And she got half the assets, including part of his 401(k).

Yes same here. I will get a life annuity when I turn 62 because it was OUR retirement all along. I'm merely collecting my portion which is 100% because he ended up dying. My friend gets lifetime alimony unless she remarries. Common if the couples are over 50 and if it's a diamond splitter divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Real question- what do SAHM’s do with their time when the kids are in school all day or out of the house altogether?

Well, what kinds of things do you do on the weekends? Start there. I clean the house, run errands, go to the grocery store, prep meals, tidy up after kids, organize their wardrobes, do laundry, etc.

I work on obedience training our dog, organize our photos, spend some time on social media (including wasting time on DCUM clearly lol), go to exercise classes, take my dog on long walks while listening to podcasts. My husband and I do a lunch date once a week. Some weeks I meet up with my mom for lunch. I go to coffee with a group of friends after our barre class once a week. I do the usual personal upkeep stuff - hair, nails, bikini wax, occasionally a massage or facial. I occasionally go shopping with a friend or on my own. I read a lot and I'm in a book group. Before the pandemic, I volunteered in the kids' schools. Recently I started volunteering at an animal shelter.

My husband is semi retired. In the winter, we go skiing once a week. In the spring and fall we play tennis together. We love to travel and we do it as much as we can. I research and plan all of our trips (6-7 including long weekends).

Our afternoons are very busy because our kids are busy. I pick up the kids from school twice a week to get them to the tutor on time and I facilitate stuff with the tutor. I take the kids to their activities. Some I have to stay for. I usually take them to the library once a week to return and pick up new books. Then back home for dinner, homework, showers, bedtime routine.

Weekends we like to keep free so we can do fun stuff with the kids. Outings to their games, kid friendly museums, the zoo or aquarium, hikes, skiing in the winter, etc. Church on Sunday, brunch after with my in laws, and we have game night every Sunday night.

IDK, it feels like a nice life to me. It's privileged for sure, I admit that. Raising our kids to be good people gives me a sense of purpose. Noticing and appreciating life's little moments gives me meaning.

Sounds like you are rich (what with the constant lunches out, skiing and tennis, semi retired husband, etc.). Nice for you I guess but far from reality for most people.

Wealthy or not, the PP doesn’t have her own money and she would be vulnerable in the case of divorce. Do you think her husband would want to pay alimony for a lifetime for an able- bodied brown woman?

Doesn’t matter if he wants to or not. If they’ve been married a long time, she’ll get it. Plus half their assets.

Typo…not brown but grown. I don’t know any divorced SAHM who got lifetime alimony. Half the assets yes, but to be “maintained” like a mistress for a lifetime is laughable.

If she has a good lawyer, and they were married a long time, yes she will get alimony. The few former SAHMs I know that divorced wealthy men after 15+ yrs of marriage are doing just fine financially.

What if their ex dies? Their cash cow will be gone.

A little thing called life insurance. It's typical for high earning spouses to have a 2M + life insurance policy. Plus some level of disability insurance.

For any level that spouse is required to carry life insurance. My ex had to as well, and I owned the policy. That way he couldn't cancel it etc. It's very standard fyi.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been mostly a SAHM/SAHW for 33 years. I am a personal trainer and work about 10-15 hours a week. I didn’t have to “convince” my DH of anything. We agreed before we got married that I would SAH. It’s never been an issue. These are the kinds of things you discuss before you get married. Shared goals and a shared vision of what you want your life to look like is so important.

While I agree with this people do change their minds on many stances and views.

This. I think it depends on when in life you are getting married, how soon you will have kids, and then whether things go according to plan.

I wound up becoming a SAHM with a flexible PT job but it's not what we planned. It's just that after our first child was born, I was extremely unhappy at work and the logistics of two FT WOH parents was a real strain on us. I really wanted to be home and was very unhappy to be away from my baby. We were unhappy with our childcare, as our options had not been good. And our home life felt chaotic and stressful. So even though we'd never planned on me becoming a SAHM, I did. Because it wasn't what I planned, we really had to work it out together on the fly -- what it meant for our finances, our relationship, the division of labor in our home. There were bumps but we talked through them. It was the right choices for us and we are both happy with it even years later.

I think it's more important to marry someone who understands plans can change and with whom you are able to resolve issues than to be 100% in alignment on every life choice. Obviously you should talk through things and you don't want to be in disagreement on the big stuff (like if you think you might want to SAHM but aren't sure, probably don't marry someone who thinks SAHMs are throwing away their lives). But it's okay to not have it all figured out, or to change your mind, or to try one thing and discover it's not right so you make a different choice.

Inflexibility is the worst possible trait to have in a marriage.

It’s one thing to SAH when children are young but to resist working even when they’re self sufficient or gone to college is quite limiting. You can upgrade your skills or pursue more education even if you’ve been out of the workforce. It seems to me that most SAHMs tend to take the path of least resistance and just not do anything to challenge themselves or achieve self-growth. Even freelance work is a great option. It doesn’t have to be a 40-hour office role that has been sneered at by some of the PPs in this thread.

I think that most people who do freelance work or work less than about 20-30 hours a week still refer to themselves as SAHMs in these threads.

I have seen people refer to themselves as SAHMs even though they:
- work at their kids elementary schools every day that the school is open
- own and manage multiple rental properties
- do freelance, hourly, or consulting work
- do part time shift work (doctors and nurses)
- do the books and some of the management for their husband's small business
.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been mostly a SAHM/SAHW for 33 years. I am a personal trainer and work about 10-15 hours a week. I didn’t have to “convince” my DH of anything. We agreed before we got married that I would SAH. It’s never been an issue. These are the kinds of things you discuss before you get married. Shared goals and a shared vision of what you want your life to look like is so important.

While I agree with this people do change their minds on many stances and views.

Right?
I mean, most people go into marriage agreeing to stay married, but half of marriages end in divorce.

Exactly. Did he tell her "before marriage" He would do 50% of the household/child chores? I see no problem with her staying home for a number of years until her kids are more grown.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband persuaded me rather than other way around. I wanted a big job and individual identity. However our children had/ have special needs and would not thrive without lots of supports and advocacy, when the youngest is in college, i hope to return to
Grad School and a late in life vocation even if it is volunteer.

We are not wealthy but stable. We make choices to support our family as a whole - balancing pros and cons of being a single income family will be different for every family.

But why is it the woman who has to always make the sacrifice?

Because men have more upward mobility in their careers. Fair or not, it is the truth. Women are pregnant for 9 months (a lot of drs appts, bed rest maybe, more tired, slower, feeling sick), plus months gone on maternity leave, plus not as efficient when returning to work in many cases (want to leave early, have to pump several times, kid sick, nanny sick, etc). Men can move along in their career entirely uninterrupted and they make more money

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I will get a life annuity when I turn 62 because it was OUR retirement all along. I'm merely collecting my portion which is 100% because he ended up dying. My friend gets lifetime alimony unless she remarries. Common if the couples are over 50 and if it's a diamond splitter divorce.

What's a diamond splitter divorce?

[Anonymous]

SAHM are pathetic. At home doing the unpaid labor their husbands don't want to do. Who wants to spend their days cleaning house and grocery shopping?

I know so many super liberal SAHMs in DC who are all up in arms about their daughters' future reproductive lives while they literally are stepford wives modeling for their daughters how men have oppressed women for generations and the woman lap it up like they have won the lottery because they can take yoga at 10 am before the pediatrician appointment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:SAHM are pathetic. At home doing the unpaid labor their husbands don't want to do. Who wants to spend their days cleaning house and grocery shopping?

I know so many super liberal SAHMs in DC who are all up in arms about their daughters' future reproductive lives while they literally are stepford wives modeling for their daughters how men have oppressed women for generations and the woman lap it up like they have won the lottery because they can take yoga at 10 am before the pediatrician appointment.

Beats making spreadsheets, attending meetings, zooming endless conference calls. Most working woman are not highly paid human rights lawyers. Most jobs are burning, uninteresting and unfulfilling