How to respond when kid gets into school and is Legacy

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Posters in here want students to do the Native American land acknowledgement spiel with their legacy status. Sorry. Not going to happen. Kids worked hard and got in. Shame about those that didn’t, but there’s a college for everyone.

No, we just want people to stop pretending there isn’t a benefit to it when we all know there is.

More generally, we want people in positions of privilege to stop pretending that they earned everything by themselves and have the perspective to understand the privilege they were born into.

No what you want is students to apologize for getting in - where does it stop? Should they wear little badges around? An FGLI here? An athlete? Rich public school kid?

You overlook your own privilege and love pointing out everyone else’s

Nobody is asking for apologies. They are only asking for honesty. And generally, other groups are honest. Athletes and athlete parents typically are very straightforward about lower standards needed for admission. Same with FGLI. It’s only legacies and their parents that insist everyone pretend that legacies don’t have a significant advantage in admissions.

This entire thread was started because a legacy parent is freaking out because her child (who is nearly a legal adult) heard someone say that his parents went to the same school. That shows a level of fragility and entitlement that you just don’t see out of the other groups.

You don’t have to apologize. But don’t demand everyone pretend reality doesn’t exist, either.

No one is demanding anyone pretend anything. You’re the one demanding everyone ritually say “I got in and it’s because legacy admits have an easier time”.

Defensive much? No one thinks that, they just think it’s weird to act to another kid like it’s completely irrelevant and there’s no chance that being a double legacy broke the tie between two kids. If you or your kid can’t be gracious and honest in your good fortune I don’t know what to tell you.

Well what you do think the kid should say to such a rude comment?

“You’re right, I’m very lucky.” As a FGLI person myself I would never introduce myself as “FGLI, luckily!” so whoever said that upchain is a moron.

Well then what would you have said if someone said you got in only because you’re FGLI?

And why should they say “you’re right?” Just because legacies have a higher admit rate does not mean that legacies get in ONLY because they are legacies.

You are the first person ever to say anything as dumb as “you only got in because you had to swim very hard upstream against generational poverty going to an underperforming high school, how lucky!” so I never had to come up with a snappy retort for that. Most people understand FGLI requires much more grit and talent than being double legacy on top of being decidedly NOT lucky.

Defensive much? Questbridge kids have a lot of admissions advantage - and they’re FGLI. Would you be ok with people saying to them that they only got into school because of QB?

You wouldn’t and you shouldn’t. And you know why? Because it’s completely rude and off base.

I don’t find it rude, just dumb. FGLI get in because their success is more impressive due to their background. Legacy get in even though their success is less impressive. Which you should have explained to your kid a long time ago.

How do you know what success either particular kid has had? That’s where your argument falls apart.

As a general matter, when you're a legacy, your family's educational and socioeconomic background makes getting into college easier for you. When you're FGLI, your family's educational and socioeconomic background makes getting into college harder for you.

Nope. Easier to get in as a FGLI than as a normal middle class kid. My very working class friend went to a no name school that doesn't even exist anymore but has a college degree. Her child was disadvantaged compared to FGLI's when applying to top schools, she might as well have been one. But as a white girl with a parent with a college degree, she had no chance. Even though in every measurable way she was far ahead of most FGLIs who got in.

Yeah it's definitely harder to have college-educated parents than be the child of undocumented chicken farmers in rural Delaware who don't even speak English and are afraid to go anywhere but church.

Holy extremes. Yes, there are plenty of these. But there are many "FGLIs" who benefit from it when they are only FG or LI, not both. Kind of like how many black children of Goldman MDs and Big Law partners benefitted from checking that box despite overcoming no hardships and having life handed to them on a silver spoon at Dalton, Trinity, NCS, or Exeter.

Of course privilege is on a spectrum, but it’s hard to imagine being low-income is ever actively helpful in K-12 education.

But more to the point, legacy advantage is adding privileges to existing privileges. A FGLI boost is compensating for disadvantage. So the two “hooks” do not function similarly at all.

But we aren’t comparing them to each other. In this universe a hook is a hook right? So everyone who benefits from the hook should be subjected to the same comment - “you only got in because”

No. One hook involves your personal merit—grit and ability to overcome challenges. One is a nepo baby inheritance. Which is why no one with their head screwed on straight diminishes FGLI status but people do roll their eyes at OP’s offense that people noticed her kid had a nepo baby edge.

[Anonymous]

It is rude for friends to respond to your DC this way. However I think your DC should have acknowledged their advantage in the first place, especially when talking to kids who didn’t get in. This was a missed opportunity to be gracious and honestly that is what I would focus on teaching your kid.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Posters in here want students to do the Native American land acknowledgement spiel with their legacy status. Sorry. Not going to happen. Kids worked hard and got in. Shame about those that didn’t, but there’s a college for everyone.

No, we just want people to stop pretending there isn’t a benefit to it when we all know there is.

More generally, we want people in positions of privilege to stop pretending that they earned everything by themselves and have the perspective to understand the privilege they were born into.

No what you want is students to apologize for getting in - where does it stop? Should they wear little badges around? An FGLI here? An athlete? Rich public school kid?

You overlook your own privilege and love pointing out everyone else’s

Nobody is asking for apologies. They are only asking for honesty. And generally, other groups are honest. Athletes and athlete parents typically are very straightforward about lower standards needed for admission. Same with FGLI. It’s only legacies and their parents that insist everyone pretend that legacies don’t have a significant advantage in admissions.

This entire thread was started because a legacy parent is freaking out because her child (who is nearly a legal adult) heard someone say that his parents went to the same school. That shows a level of fragility and entitlement that you just don’t see out of the other groups.

You don’t have to apologize. But don’t demand everyone pretend reality doesn’t exist, either.

No one is demanding anyone pretend anything. You’re the one demanding everyone ritually say “I got in and it’s because legacy admits have an easier time”.

Defensive much? No one thinks that, they just think it’s weird to act to another kid like it’s completely irrelevant and there’s no chance that being a double legacy broke the tie between two kids. If you or your kid can’t be gracious and honest in your good fortune I don’t know what to tell you.

Well what you do think the kid should say to such a rude comment?

“You’re right, I’m very lucky.” As a FGLI person myself I would never introduce myself as “FGLI, luckily!” so whoever said that upchain is a moron.

Well then what would you have said if someone said you got in only because you’re FGLI?

And why should they say “you’re right?” Just because legacies have a higher admit rate does not mean that legacies get in ONLY because they are legacies.

You are the first person ever to say anything as dumb as “you only got in because you had to swim very hard upstream against generational poverty going to an underperforming high school, how lucky!” so I never had to come up with a snappy retort for that. Most people understand FGLI requires much more grit and talent than being double legacy on top of being decidedly NOT lucky.

Defensive much? Questbridge kids have a lot of admissions advantage - and they’re FGLI. Would you be ok with people saying to them that they only got into school because of QB?

You wouldn’t and you shouldn’t. And you know why? Because it’s completely rude and off base.

I don’t find it rude, just dumb. FGLI get in because their success is more impressive due to their background. Legacy get in even though their success is less impressive. Which you should have explained to your kid a long time ago.

How do you know what success either particular kid has had? That’s where your argument falls apart.

As a general matter, when you're a legacy, your family's educational and socioeconomic background makes getting into college easier for you. When you're FGLI, your family's educational and socioeconomic background makes getting into college harder for you.

Nope. Easier to get in as a FGLI than as a normal middle class kid. My very working class friend went to a no name school that doesn't even exist anymore but has a college degree. Her child was disadvantaged compared to FGLI's when applying to top schools, she might as well have been one. But as a white girl with a parent with a college degree, she had no chance. Even though in every measurable way she was far ahead of most FGLIs who got in.

Yeah it's definitely harder to have college-educated parents than be the child of undocumented chicken farmers in rural Delaware who don't even speak English and are afraid to go anywhere but church.

We aren’t talking about life. This is college admissions. Two very different things.

We’re talking about two sets of circumstances and which sets you up better for success in college admissions.

So at any school without legacy admissions it’s an advantage to the FGLI. Also legacy helps at one or two schools. FGLI helps at all of them.

Only on DCUM can you really argue with a straight face that being disadvantaged is a privilege actually.

Half the country thinks the most disadvantaged group are white Christian males.

Two years ago substitute “black” for “disadvantaged” and the majority of people in this forum would have agreed with that statement.

College admissions makes people nuts. They whine about the fact that they only make $275000 so are shut out of financial aid.

[Anonymous]

If being poor is so great, you all should be taking vows of poverty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is rude for friends to respond to your DC this way. However I think your DC should have acknowledged their advantage in the first place, especially when talking to kids who didn’t get in. This was a missed opportunity to be gracious and honestly that is what I would focus on teaching your kid.

People earn grace - and those kids don’t deserve it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My son got into a top school EA. It was the school where dh and I attended. He is a top student in all respects, hard worker, great stats/rigor, leadership, community service, etc. And none of this was pushed/curated by us, he really drove it all (including applications), and we are really proud of him.

A couple of kids from school who got rejected said “oh but your parents went there” like that’s the only reason he got in. I know it helps that we did, of course, but his stats match the student population, it’s not like he was pulled up despite bad grades/scores. We aren’t big benefactors either, it’s not like the school would see big donations in our history.

So how to respond if someone says that?

Yes, the double legacy did it.

Accept it and move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If being poor is so great, you all should be taking vows of poverty.

Now you’re just unwilling to face the reality that being FGLI and/or QB is an admissions advantage. Why so defensive? We are just being honest. You should be gracious and honest and admit it’s why you got in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is rude for friends to respond to your DC this way. However I think your DC should have acknowledged their advantage in the first place, especially when talking to kids who didn’t get in. This was a missed opportunity to be gracious and honestly that is what I would focus on teaching your kid.

People earn grace - and those kids don’t deserve it.

Grace is unearned pretty much by definition.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Posters in here want students to do the Native American land acknowledgement spiel with their legacy status. Sorry. Not going to happen. Kids worked hard and got in. Shame about those that didn’t, but there’s a college for everyone.

No, we just want people to stop pretending there isn’t a benefit to it when we all know there is.

More generally, we want people in positions of privilege to stop pretending that they earned everything by themselves and have the perspective to understand the privilege they were born into.

No what you want is students to apologize for getting in - where does it stop? Should they wear little badges around? An FGLI here? An athlete? Rich public school kid?

You overlook your own privilege and love pointing out everyone else’s

Nobody is asking for apologies. They are only asking for honesty. And generally, other groups are honest. Athletes and athlete parents typically are very straightforward about lower standards needed for admission. Same with FGLI. It’s only legacies and their parents that insist everyone pretend that legacies don’t have a significant advantage in admissions.

This entire thread was started because a legacy parent is freaking out because her child (who is nearly a legal adult) heard someone say that his parents went to the same school. That shows a level of fragility and entitlement that you just don’t see out of the other groups.

You don’t have to apologize. But don’t demand everyone pretend reality doesn’t exist, either.

No one is demanding anyone pretend anything. You’re the one demanding everyone ritually say “I got in and it’s because legacy admits have an easier time”.

Defensive much? No one thinks that, they just think it’s weird to act to another kid like it’s completely irrelevant and there’s no chance that being a double legacy broke the tie between two kids. If you or your kid can’t be gracious and honest in your good fortune I don’t know what to tell you.

Well what you do think the kid should say to such a rude comment?

I would call it out:”what an odd thing to say!” Then walk away

Exactly. Perfect. Mic drop.

In teen boy speak: “WTF, bro?!” Said with a glare or head shake whatever it is they’re doing this week to demonstrate contempt. Then walk away.

Any kid who says something rude about another kid getting into college deserves as little attention as possible. A quick smackdown and then just walk away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is rude for friends to respond to your DC this way. However I think your DC should have acknowledged their advantage in the first place, especially when talking to kids who didn’t get in. This was a missed opportunity to be gracious and honestly that is what I would focus on teaching your kid.

People earn grace - and those kids don’t deserve it.

Grace is unearned pretty much by definition.

Fine - graciousness is earned

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People said this to my kid at his private HS level since he as a 'sibling legacy'. Yet my kid was also straight A student with an entrance exam (no prep in the 99.99%). I let him know he earned it on his own. The kids from his middle saying it were average grades at best and I know their test scores weren't great--according to their mothers.

I'm sure your kid could have gotten in on their own. However, I've worked at private schools and they have a completely separate pile in admissions for siblings and children of faculty. They absolutely have more likelihood of getting in. It's OK to know that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People said this to my kid at his private HS level since he as a 'sibling legacy'. Yet my kid was also straight A student with an entrance exam (no prep in the 99.99%). I let him know he earned it on his own. The kids from his middle saying it were average grades at best and I know their test scores weren't great--according to their mothers.

I'm sure your kid could have gotten in on their own. However, I've worked at private schools and they have a completely separate pile in admissions for siblings and children of faculty. They absolutely have more likelihood of getting in. It's OK to know that.

But is it ok to say it to the kid?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is rude for friends to respond to your DC this way. However I think your DC should have acknowledged their advantage in the first place, especially when talking to kids who didn’t get in. This was a missed opportunity to be gracious and honestly that is what I would focus on teaching your kid.

People earn grace - and those kids don’t deserve it.

Grace is unearned pretty much by definition.

Fine - graciousness is earned

Not really.

I think the friends were rude. I absolutely stand by my comment that DS would ideally have acknowledged his advantage. That is gracious. That is humble. That has nothing to do with the merits of the audience. Even if it is absolutely true that DS got in because he’s just a star and a better student, I think it’s weird that his parents seem to want his friends to understand that. There’s no reason to be this way.

[Anonymous]

It’s unfair and everyone knows it.
If it hadn’t benefited your kid you would think so too. Legacy should end. But then again sadly there are so many other ways the system is rigged and not meritocratic no one should take it admission as such a big point of pride. I say this as a first gen Ivy grad.

Your kid should just say “yeah I had a bit of extra luck. “ and then just move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As someone from the metro-NYC area, when I meet someone from the DMV I assume they are less qualified because it is a lot harder to get into top schools from NYC than DMV.

This is equivalent logic to what so many are saying here about unqualified legacies.

And I'm sure I'm ruffling lots of feathers. Even you TJ/St. Alban's/NCS types who think you are all that.

DS is a freshman at a HYP and has been underwhelmed by some of the students coming out of the NYC feeders.

Guess is depends on what schools you're referring to, but it is highly unlikely a student from Trinity, Brearley or Collegiate at HYP is underwhelming.