I love my son, but.............
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Anonymous
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I have a 22 yr. old son who has been away at college the past almost four months. He came home briefly for Thanksgiving week for a home visit and it was HELL.
The entire visit/week was just a disaster and now he is coming back again for Christmas and I am already dreading it. I am on the verge of calling him this evening to tell him he cannot come after such a disastrous last visit, but I feel like such a bad mother. Plus, he lives in a dorm and would have nowhere to stay for winter break. But he IS a grown adult and that shouldn't be my responsibility anymore, right??! Or is it?? Initially he was going to stay at college for Thanksgiving week, but then at the last minute he decided he wanted to come home so I gave him money for the Amtrak train round-trip. While he was here, he ate a ton of food and he had his buddies over almost every single day/night and they ate a lot of my food too. (When my son left, the first thing I did was go to the store to replace everything they ate!) He also had his friends here almost every night, and they left their mess in the house and didn't pick up after themselves. I let my son use my vehicle and gas, and he left my car a mess, used up 3/4 tank of fuel plus left my car unlocked parked in a public street overnight. (We don't have a garage on-site where we reside.) He also had a bad attitude toward me. For example, when I asked him when he was going to unload the dishwasher for me, he got all snarky and responded, "I am 22 now....I can't believe you are still giving me chores like a kid!!" So basically when he went back to school, I felt a huge weight lifted off of my shoulders and now, knowing he is coming back again, I am dreading it. I actually want to tell him he cannot come, but honestly he has no money or nowhere to go, but at his age, I am no longer legally responsible for him. Morally however I feel guilty. WWYD? |
Anonymous
| You sound awful. I think you should talk with your son about expectations in your house. Then OF COURSE he can come back for Christmas. Are you serious? He doesn't even have a place to go, is still in college, and you don't want him because he ate a lot and used your gas? |
Anonymous
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This is a you problem. Just tell your son his friends can't come over every night. I'm sure you are the only parent who was allowing this so all the kids were at your house- their parents said no. Also, what 22 yr old is still in college in the dorm?
You should feel guilty if you tell him he can't stay with you at the last minute. That is terrible thing to do. How about you set some limits first and then if he doesn't follow the rules he can't come back for summer. |
Anonymous
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A lot of 22 year olds don't need clear expectations about these things communicated to them. But some do, and it sounds like your son definitely does.
I would have a conversation with him on the first or second day of his return home. Calmly tell him what frustrated you about thanksgiving and what you expect from now on. |
Anonymous
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Since Christmas is so close, I would allow him to come back but not allow friends over or him to take the car. If he seems to be taking it seriously, you could allow friends and/or car on a "trial" basis, but for now it's probably fine if you say no. And while he's not your responsibility any more in terms of child protective services, whether he is morally your responsibility depends on your arrangement with him for college, etc. ("live on campus and come home for the holidays", etc.).
As for him eating all of your food, that's just something you put up with when you have guests. If you don't want to pay for his food when he visits, you could always not invite him home for the holidays, but that seems like a short-sighted reason to heavily damage your relationship with your son. And surely you have responses to him saying you are treating him like a child? First, maybe you are in the way in which you ask; but you could also make it clear that adult visitors to your home help out with household chores, too, since you are not a hotel. His alternate choice is to pay to stay in a hotel. Etc. Basically, I don't think I quite see what the big deal is, a lot of this seems par for the course and working out new adult child/parent relationships; it mostly seems like you need to establish better house-rules for adult, visiting children. But maybe there is more going on than I see. |
Anonymous
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You are an enabler here.
You are letting your own child take full advantage of you and walk all over you. His friends are doing the exact same thing to you too. A 22 year old should not be staying at his parent's home, eating their grub, using their car and gas and not lifting a finger. At least they should pay for their own train ticket! As long as you keep enabling your child the way you are, he will continue living on Easy Street. What incentive does he have to do anything for himself?? He knows you will always be there to pick up the slack. No offense, but your son is a 22 year old freeloader. |
Anonymous
| What were you expecting, exactly? That he's behave like a 30 year old out of town cousin? This is his home. I suspect he's acting just like he did in August, before he left. |
Anonymous
| OP, are you seriously bitching about your child coming home for a holiday focused primarily on food and eating lots of food? Set some expectations about his behavior and contributions when he's home, but for goodness sake woman, let the guy (and his friends) eat!!! Do you have weird food issues? |
Anonymous
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I was seriously expecting to hear stories of drug use, violence and property destruction. He wouldn't empty the dishwasher, so you want to put him out on the street for Christmas??? Really??
Honestly, OP, this is as simple as a sit down the minute he gets home. You set the expectations and enforce consequences. Unlocked car? Take away the car keys. Failure to clean up the mess? No more friends over. I feel sorry for your son, OP, if all it takes is an unlocked car to get him disinvited to Christmas. |
Anonymous
| The fuck? You are upset that he ate food? You let him use your car and gas, admit he has no money, and then get upset that he used the gas? Tell him he cant come for christmas because you are checking yourself into a mental institute. You sound nuts! |
Anonymous
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My parents would never have put up with any of this at that age.
I was already living on my own at twenty two and never asked them for anything. He is so lucky to have you available and have the luxury of you allowing him to still stay at the house, have full access to your kitchen and car as well as you are still giving him money. At that age, if my parents ever gave me any money, I had to pay them back!! The least he could do is clean up his messes and tell his friends not to eat you out of house and home. Kids these days do not realize how good they have it compared to my generation. And I am only forty. |
Anonymous
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Let him pay for a hotel room for one evening.
I can promise you that he will be begging to unload that dish wahser the next day |
Anonymous
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I have a 23 year old son who lives far from home. I am a little confused about a few things but I guess if your son were immature that would explain them. But I definitely don't understand why you were so passive and just stood back allowing your son to behave this way.
You, as owner and head of household, need to approve all guests. After the FIRST night where his guests left a mess you should have said he couldn't have those people back since they weren't respectful of your home. Guys his age eat. A lot. That's not a big deal - it's to be expected, to be honest. I don't understand why you didn't take control though - why didn't YOU walk into the kitchen or wherever the guys were hanging out and say "Hey, you guys need to clean up this mess properly. Leaving it this way is unacceptable, and I know your parents taught you better." When your son made the dishwasher comment, your response should have been "If you acted like an adult, you would have just done it because you'd take good care of any environment you're in." Why doesn't your son know to refill the gas he uses up in your car? In my son's seven years of driving he only didn't refill my tank ONCE, and he left me $20 with an apology note. Your son acts this way because you've taught him, through your extreme passiveness, that it's okay to. If you want to fix this the way to do it is to call him and say "Jake, I was REALLY upset about how things went when you came home for Thanksgiving. It won't happen again. I am hesitant to even let you come home for Christmas, but if you really want to, you can as long as you follow the following rules: 1. you will clean up after yourself in a timely fashion. this means if you make a sandwich, after you finish prepping it, you will clean up the food and wipe down the counters 2. if you use up food you will replace it, leave money for it to be replaced, or put it on the shopping list (whatever works for you, OP) 3. if you want friends over you will ask for permission first 4. your friends will be respectful of this space. if they are not, they will be asked to leave immediately 5. you are responsible for cleaning up after your friends or getting them to do it. 6. you will not be allowed to use my car since you left it vulnurible to theft. perhaps in the future if i see other signs of maturity I'll reconsider this decision, but for this trip, you may not use my car. So, still want to come?" |
Anonymous
+100 If you don't set the rules, OP, you shouldn't complain about what goes on. |
Anonymous
| I'm guessing there is a lot of history here. Do you and your son even get along or is it more of a forced relationship just because you are related? |