I love my son, but.............

[Anonymous]

I am not missing the point, PP. OP lists that as a grievance. It is absurd. It is totally fine, wonderful, if my kids come home and eat me out of house and home. I send them back with loads of healthy snacks too. At least I know they are getting something good to eat. How stingy and awful can you people be? These are your children.

Now, if my son made a giant mess with his friends and didn't clean up, he would be drug out of bed and I'd stand over him until this was fixed. That is a different issue and OP is right to fix this. If he complains about loading the dishwasher, she needs to shut that down fast. When you come home, you are part of the family and you help with whatever we are doing as a family. I am not a waitress.

[Anonymous]

Wow. Just Wow.


I cannot believe the PP who stated that if her son was home on break, the parent was out of line for asking her son to empty the dishwasher. She said she would never ask her son to do any chores if he was there on a break!! Yet, people are also criticizing her for treating her son like a houseguest!!

I don't get it. He is or he isn't....??!! Make up your minds please.

[Anonymous]

This is epic level punishment that will be remembered for DECADES

Also he'd have to get permission from the college it may be too late.

All I see here is garden-variety carelessness/rudeness.

Just be careful about throwing down this level of punishment.

[Anonymous]

Seriously, what is wrong with you? You honestly sound heartless. He left a mess, had his friends over and ate your food so he can't come for Christmas? You may actually be worse than my mom...and she has Bipolar.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am not the maid, this isn't the food bank, my car is not your Uber when you need it for FREE, go to a hotel if you plan on entertaining your friends.

Don't like it, don't visit.

They lived with you too many years not to know how the house runs. That kind of disrespect should never be rewarded. This is not about love.

NP, but see PP, you are totally wrong, and that is OP's problem: apparently she HAS been the maid, she HAS raised her son to think the house is the food bank, she DOES let her son use the car like free Uber, and she just let him have friends over every night without putting a stop to it the first time.

Frankly, I didn't even believe the original post was real (still think it was just a bored troll), but giving it the benefit of the doubt, obviously this kid didn't just wake up right before going home for Thanksgiving and turn into a completely different person. This is who he is, most likely because he was raised by parents who are clueless or reluctant or unwilling to set boundaries.

You reap what you sow... so talk to your son before he comes home, tell him the rules, tell him the consequences, and then enforce/follow through. And maybe start working on whatever your issues are (because you are the parent) that make it so hard for you to communicate and set boundaries. This all begins with you and your DH and how you do or don't actually hold your son accountable.

[Anonymous]

OP - I feel the same way, my son is coming home and I too dread it in many ways. I may consider you somewhat lenient, but maybe you have money, who knows, but don't feel like your the only one. They want to go out, drink, come home and make a mess, argue with siblings and you, basically ruin the zen that is your life since they left home. All for a few shared moments the other parents on this thread seem to crave.

Mom - I too feel your pain- so long sonny boy, return when you can appreciate what we gave you -or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am so confused. Most college student that come home go grocery shopping and replace the food they ate?

No. Not in my world.

I absolutely did. I was 21 years old - an adult. I didn't replace the food I ate at meals where we ate together, but if I finished my parents' box of Cheerios and gallon of milk, you bet your bippy I went shopping and bought them groceries while I was there. That's just common decency of a houseguest.

OP, I totally understand why you were upset, and I think you realize that you created this monster. It would be both unkind and unhelpful to simply tell him he can't come back. You're his mom and it's your job to teach him how to act. You have taught him until now that it's fine for him to treat you as a doormat and wipe his feet on you. Teach him differently now.

"Son, you treated me and my home very badly over Thanksgiving. I should have let you know immediately what was bothering me and that was a mistake, so I'm going to make sure you understand what I expect if you choose to come to my house over Christmas:

* You are my guest, not your friends. If you would like to invite friends over, please ask first. I know for sure that I don't want people at my house every night, but one or two nights might be okay. Please ask beforehand.
* If your friends are over, please be sure you clean up after yourselves. If you want to feed them, please buy your own party food.
* Like any good houseguest, you should chip in with chores and groceries while you are here.
* After the way you treated my car last time, please do not expect to be able to use it on this trip.

A 22 year old should be contributing to his own support, so there is no reason why he can't buy you some groceries or pay for gas if you let him borrow your car.

Good luck. Get a backbone. You still have some work to do raising this one, even though he should already be an adult.

While I've bought plenty of items we were out of in the house starting even earlier than that- I think it's entirely reasonable that some people have a different view of this situation in that they don't see 21 year olds home from college as "house guests". Not right or wrong, but some people are more formal about family and relationships and other's aren't. If my MIL came and used up the end of the butter or something, I don't expect her to replace it with a trip to the store or even offer to buy it when we go- she does though- that's just not how I see things, but she does. One isn't wrong, IMO, just different.

Also, I went to a selective university (top 20-30) that almost all students living on campus all 4 years. Its not unheard of. Without a car, it would have been lonely and creepy to be there over break and possibly not even allowed. They shut power down to some buildings at most universities (I work at one now)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am so confused. Most college student that come home go grocery shopping and replace the food they ate?

No. Not in my world.

I absolutely did. I was 21 years old - an adult. I didn't replace the food I ate at meals where we ate together, but if I finished my parents' box of Cheerios and gallon of milk, you bet your bippy I went shopping and bought them groceries while I was there. That's just common decency of a houseguest.

OP, I totally understand why you were upset, and I think you realize that you created this monster. It would be both unkind and unhelpful to simply tell him he can't come back. You're his mom and it's your job to teach him how to act. You have taught him until now that it's fine for him to treat you as a doormat and wipe his feet on you. Teach him differently now.

"Son, you treated me and my home very badly over Thanksgiving. I should have let you know immediately what was bothering me and that was a mistake, so I'm going to make sure you understand what I expect if you choose to come to my house over Christmas:

* You are my guest, not your friends. If you would like to invite friends over, please ask first. I know for sure that I don't want people at my house every night, but one or two nights might be okay. Please ask beforehand.
* If your friends are over, please be sure you clean up after yourselves. If you want to feed them, please buy your own party food.
* Like any good houseguest, you should chip in with chores and groceries while you are here.
* After the way you treated my car last time, please do not expect to be able to use it on this trip.

A 22 year old should be contributing to his own support, so there is no reason why he can't buy you some groceries or pay for gas if you let him borrow your car.

Good luck. Get a backbone. You still have some work to do raising this one, even though he should already be an adult.

While I've bought plenty of items we were out of in the house starting even earlier than that- I think it's entirely reasonable that some people have a different view of this situation in that they don't see 21 year olds home from college as "house guests". Not right or wrong, but some people are more formal about family and relationships and other's aren't. If my MIL came and used up the end of the butter or something, I don't expect her to replace it with a trip to the store or even offer to buy it when we go- she does though- that's just not how I see things, but she does. One isn't wrong, IMO, just different.

Also, I went to a selective university (top 20-30) that almost all students living on campus all 4 years. Its not unheard of. Without a car, it would have been lonely and creepy to be there over break and possibly not even allowed. They shut power down to some buildings at most universities (I work at one now)

I should add that even though I don't see them as houseguests I firmly believe in cleaning up after each oneself and friends and also being respectful of everyone in the house regarding noise and times of coming and going. Much like you would if you lived there full time

[Anonymous]

Wow, just wow. You sound awful. My dad still lives in the same house I grew up in. When I go to visit, I eat whatever I feel like and so does my husband. (we are well into our 40's) If I go home to visit for something like a HS reunion and I don't feel like renting a car, I'll just borrow my dad's car. If I use more than a couple of gallons, I would fill it up but I doubt my dad would notice if I didn't. If we drive home instead of flying we even bring our dog with us.

It is the same way at my mom's house. (Parents are divorced) I eat whatever I feel like when I get hungry and so does everyone else when visiting. My mom has a pool so during the summer she always has a houseful of friends and family. She stocks up on soda, beer, water and snacks at Costco regularly. No one is expected to replace groceries but they do other stuff like buy pizzas one night or other type of carry out.

My house is the same way. I offer whatever I have to whoever is in my house. Food, beer, soda, wine, booze, whatever. In fact, if I'm having guests I go stock up.

[Anonymous]

My kids are over 21, one lives out of state and when he comes home he brings his GF and also his pets. It's hectic and a little crazy, and yeah he eats a LOT lol but he just drove 20+ miles to come home for the holidays so I'm glad to have him there and I don't have a problem with him eating a lot. Heck he's eaten a lot since he was about 10. Or 7. Or maybe 4. The car thing I understand, set some rules about the car and tell him to clean up his mess in the kitchen or whatever.

[Anonymous]

Oops I meant he drove for 20+ hours, not 20+ miles, that wouldn't be as impressive LOL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - I feel the same way, my son is coming home and I too dread it in many ways. I may consider you somewhat lenient, but maybe you have money, who knows, but don't feel like your the only one. They want to go out, drink, come home and make a mess, argue with siblings and you, basically ruin the zen that is your life since they left home. All for a few shared moments the other parents on this thread seem to crave.

Mom - I too feel your pain- so long sonny boy, return when you can appreciate what we gave you -or not.

I think you are a troll too but I seriously feel bad for people who view family this way. I guess that's why there is a whole forum for it!

[Anonymous]

Sorry OP, you raised a rude child. Are you scared of him?? Seriously, you need to set some ground rules. I have two in college, and yes when they come home, they eat everything, that is to be expected. You should be glad he had friends over, that way you know he is not doing anything that would land him in trouble. Is the extra food cost too much foryou? If so, open your mouth, and tell him he cant have his friends over everyday. My kids know when they come home, they are right back in the rotation for some chores, load the dishwasher, keep their room cleans, clean off kitchen counters and table, and sweep the kitchen floor. If you are paying for college, the least he could do is chip in. I wish my kids would say some crazy shit, about me asking them do a chore, and I am paying college tuiton, room, board, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am so confused. Most college student that come home go grocery shopping and replace the food they ate?

No. Not in my world.

I absolutely did. I was 21 years old - an adult. I didn't replace the food I ate at meals where we ate together, but if I finished my parents' box of Cheerios and gallon of milk, you bet your bippy I went shopping and bought them groceries while I was there. That's just common decency of a houseguest.

OP, I totally understand why you were upset, and I think you realize that you created this monster. It would be both unkind and unhelpful to simply tell him he can't come back. You're his mom and it's your job to teach him how to act. You have taught him until now that it's fine for him to treat you as a doormat and wipe his feet on you. Teach him differently now.

"Son, you treated me and my home very badly over Thanksgiving. I should have let you know immediately what was bothering me and that was a mistake, so I'm going to make sure you understand what I expect if you choose to come to my house over Christmas:

* You are my guest, not your friends. If you would like to invite friends over, please ask first. I know for sure that I don't want people at my house every night, but one or two nights might be okay. Please ask beforehand.
* If your friends are over, please be sure you clean up after yourselves. If you want to feed them, please buy your own party food.
* Like any good houseguest, you should chip in with chores and groceries while you are here.
* After the way you treated my car last time, please do not expect to be able to use it on this trip.

A 22 year old should be contributing to his own support, so there is no reason why he can't buy you some groceries or pay for gas if you let him borrow your car.

Good luck. Get a backbone. You still have some work to do raising this one, even though he should already be an adult.

While I've bought plenty of items we were out of in the house starting even earlier than that- I think it's entirely reasonable that some people have a different view of this situation in that they don't see 21 year olds home from college as "house guests". Not right or wrong, but some people are more formal about family and relationships and other's aren't. If my MIL came and used up the end of the butter or something, I don't expect her to replace it with a trip to the store or even offer to buy it when we go- she does though- that's just not how I see things, but she does. One isn't wrong, IMO, just different.

Also, I went to a selective university (top 20-30) that almost all students living on campus all 4 years. Its not unheard of. Without a car, it would have been lonely and creepy to be there over break and possibly not even allowed. They shut power down to some buildings at most universities (I work at one now)

I should add that even though I don't see them as houseguests I firmly believe in cleaning up after each oneself and friends and also being respectful of everyone in the house regarding noise and times of coming and going. Much like you would if you lived there full time

Cheerio-buyer here. You're right - and I appreciate the line people are drawing between family guests and houseguests, but in both cases, if I were staying with a friend or staying with family, I would offer to chip in for groceries or take them out for a meal. If it were a friend, I would offer to help clean up after meals. If it were family, I would just clean up along with family. So I guess what I am thinking is that OP has raised a disrespectful son, whether she considers him a family guest or a houseguest. By 12, much less 22, a person should know that you clean up after yourself. A person should know that you chip in with chores. A person should know that you clean up after friends if you have a friend over.

I sensed that the true "dread" this mom feels is the dread of having her disrespectful son come home and then having this happen again - which would only happen because she is reluctant to tell him "no". It's her own behavior that she needs to focus on changing. She needs to set clear expectations and maybe also let him know that she is sorry that she did not teach him how to be a respectful person until now, but she is at least going to try now.

My parents were pretty neglectful and there are some really basic things they failed to teach us. I stayed with my aunt as a teenager and she was pretty shocked that I didn't know things like when you cut your toenails in the bathroom, you should immediately pick them up and throw them in the wastepaper basket. It's crazy, I know, but my parents were hoarders and a toenail is the last thing we'd notice on the floor. My parents never taught me that stuff, or things like you make your bed as soon as you get out of it, and when you leave a house you have been staying in, you strip the bed of the bedding before you leave. Some people just don't know how to be good guests. In my case, i was lucky I had some aunts and uncles who helped teach me (though my parents taught me basic courtesy, just not the housekeeping kind of stuff). In this case, the mom has expectations but has never taught them to her son. She should at least try now.

[Anonymous]

OP I think this is just something you put up with when you have guests. Just wait until next year when he has a job, car, and realizes the importance of money. Many college kids don't get it.

Why not plan fun family activities?

It's also okay to feel stressed about him coming. My parents are in town and I'm crazy in love with them and grateful they're coming, but I do get anxious thinking about my heating bills and food bills. It's just something I suck up when I have guests.