I love my son, but.............

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a you problem. Just tell your son his friends can't come over every night. I'm sure you are the only parent who was allowing this so all the kids were at your house- their parents said no. Also, what 22 yr old is still in college in the dorm?

You should feel guilty if you tell him he can't stay with you at the last minute. That is terrible thing to do. How about you set some limits first and then if he doesn't follow the rules he can't come back for summer.

Not OP, but it is not uncommon to have a 22 year-old senior who attends a residential college where the only housing available is in a dorm.

I went to a not-selective LAC. We were all required to live in the dorms or campus housing for the entire time we were in there. It was pretty great, actually. I loved living with all of my friends, without being required to negotiate cleaning or splitting bills with them. OP are you sure there is no place for your son to stay on campus? Our school always made some temporary housing available for people who weren't going home for breaks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am so confused. Most college student that come home go grocery shopping and replace the food they ate?

No. Not in my world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am so confused. Most college student that come home go grocery shopping and replace the food they ate?

No. Not in my world.

I absolutely did. I was 21 years old - an adult. I didn't replace the food I ate at meals where we ate together, but if I finished my parents' box of Cheerios and gallon of milk, you bet your bippy I went shopping and bought them groceries while I was there. That's just common decency of a houseguest.

OP, I totally understand why you were upset, and I think you realize that you created this monster. It would be both unkind and unhelpful to simply tell him he can't come back. You're his mom and it's your job to teach him how to act. You have taught him until now that it's fine for him to treat you as a doormat and wipe his feet on you. Teach him differently now.

"Son, you treated me and my home very badly over Thanksgiving. I should have let you know immediately what was bothering me and that was a mistake, so I'm going to make sure you understand what I expect if you choose to come to my house over Christmas:

* You are my guest, not your friends. If you would like to invite friends over, please ask first. I know for sure that I don't want people at my house every night, but one or two nights might be okay. Please ask beforehand.
* If your friends are over, please be sure you clean up after yourselves. If you want to feed them, please buy your own party food.
* Like any good houseguest, you should chip in with chores and groceries while you are here.
* After the way you treated my car last time, please do not expect to be able to use it on this trip.

A 22 year old should be contributing to his own support, so there is no reason why he can't buy you some groceries or pay for gas if you let him borrow your car.

Good luck. Get a backbone. You still have some work to do raising this one, even though he should already be an adult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have to be kidding me. You are upset that your kid ATE FOOD???? God forbid my son eat food when he comes home!

WTF?

You are missing the point I think.

The point being that the son is letting his friends hang out and eat there too. He also is leaving a mess in the house and car, not locking the car at night and not lifting a finger around the house. Seems he is not even cleaning up after himself.

Plus, he complains to his parents if he is asked to unload the dishwasher once.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are an enabler here.

You are letting your own child take full advantage of you and walk all over you. His friends are doing the exact same thing to you too.

A 22 year old should not be staying at his parent's home, eating their grub, using their car and gas and not lifting a finger. At least they should pay for their own train ticket!

As long as you keep enabling your child the way you are, he will continue living on Easy Street.

What incentive does he have to do anything for himself??

He knows you will always be there to pick up the slack.

No offense, but your son is a 22 year old freeloader.

Seriously. You obviously created this problem OP. You are an enabler and haven't demanded respect from your son. Now he has none for you. Only you can make it right.

[Anonymous]

I get the feeling the people who feel the OP is being a bad parent for getting mad that her son is taking advantage of her (which is crystal clear...Duh!!) are people in their 20's while the people who can see that her son needs to grow up and OP needs to kick his ass to the curb are obviously older parents.

OP~

You are a great parent, you do not need to check into a mental institution, you did your best, but now it is time to cut the apron strings and let him go.

[Anonymous]

Huh. I am in my 40s, and if my parents had addressed me as a "houseguest" and/or told me that I could not come to their house (which I then still referred to as "my" home, by the way), I would have been devastated. It would have cause a big crack in my trust in them. I agree completely that OP needs to set some house rules and have clear expectations for her son, but the consequences should be things like "if you abuse my car, you do not get to borrow it," or "if your friends make a huge mess and don't clean up, then you cannot invite friends over" -- not, "you cannot come home." Also it is really unfair to have let your son act this way for years, and then with no warning punish him by not letting him come home. I find it impossible to relate to that mentality with my own kids, or thinking back to when I was the college student.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Huh. I am in my 40s, and if my parents had addressed me as a "houseguest" and/or told me that I could not come to their house (which I then still referred to as "my" home, by the way), I would have been devastated. It would have cause a big crack in my trust in them. I agree completely that OP needs to set some house rules and have clear expectations for her son, but the consequences should be things like "if you abuse my car, you do not get to borrow it," or "if your friends make a huge mess and don't clean up, then you cannot invite friends over" -- not, "you cannot come home." Also it is really unfair to have let your son act this way for years, and then with no warning punish him by not letting him come home. I find it impossible to relate to that mentality with my own kids, or thinking back to when I was the college student.

Amen. And I am 37.

Grow a pair and set some boundaries, OP. But don't treat your son like a houseguest!

[Anonymous]

Did he turn into this monster in the last 4 months or is he just behaving in the manner in which he was raised?

[Anonymous]

OP, why don't you reread what you wrote, and think again whether it truly represents your feelings.

This is a family member you love, right?

Frustrations are a common thing with our young adult children - but op your tone makes you sound cold and heartless.

[Anonymous]

I'm not that poster, but, troll post? OP, when my son is away at college, I hope like heck he comes home to relax on his breaks. And I'll consider it a bonus if his friends feel comfortable enough to hang out here too. Aren't these the kids he's grown up with that you know pretty well too? I'd be beyond sad if he came home for break and spent it all at other people's homes. Your son must be almost done with college and then he'll be in the real world. In the meantime, stock up on plenty of good snacks, make his favorite meals, give him hugs and tell him you love him every day. Send him back to school with his favorite cookies and clean clothes. Let him recharge and relax! We're talking about a few weeks out of the entire year. You can get back to normal after he leaves.

[Anonymous]

I used to starve myself at school to use my food money for beer and then gorge myself at home on the weekends , like a camel storing water

That was wrong !

[Anonymous]

I think the problem isn't the he ate, it's that he made a pig of himself on his parents dime, allowed his friends to do the same w/o asking, didn't clean up, didn't require his friends to clean up, spent all his time w/ his friends and not his parents even though he was home, and then copped an attitude.

OP, email him now, like today, and set some clear expectations. PP gave some great ideas. Let him know he needs to do his own laundry, change his sheets, or minimally, get the sheets to the laundry room and put clean sheets on the bed before he leaves, he needs to eat normal amounts of food and not eat the entire fridge and pantry, specify some specific snacks he can offer guests (popcorn and chips are one thing, free for all in the fridge and pantry another) and he needs to balance the amount of time friends are at your home vs spending time at their home vs spending time w/ you. Tell him he has lost car privileges (that seems 100% fair given the unlocked car and lack of gas replacement.)

I had my own apt at 18, and when I went to my parents house to stay (very occasionally) I didn't treat it like my home. I didn't expect to buy my own groceries at that age, but I didn't help myself to anything and everything either.

[Anonymous]

I have the luckiest daughter in the world.

When her friends come over they eat like there is no tomorrow. I spend a lot of time shopping, cooking and cleaning up after her friends.

My daughter spends most of her social time with her friends in my house because we provide food, privacy and we welcome everyone with open arms. As a result I know her, I know her friends, and they share their lives with me.

I am the luckiest mom in the world.

[Anonymous]

You sound like a really uptight mom. If I was your son, I wouldn't want to come home for breaks/ holidays. Boys eat like crazy. I have 2 and my oldest is only 2.5 and already eats a ton. I know we will go through groceries like crazy when they are teens and beyond. They are my sons and I love them more than anything. I hope the worst thing I complain about when they are 22 is going through good and using my gas. I'm sure leaving the car unlocked was an accident. I have made mistakes as an adult too. And asking your child to unload the dishwasher when they are home from break? It's a nice thing if they offer but I think it's weird to ask your kids to do chores when they are on a break from college. Don't be surprised when your son gets married and has a child and you are the one not invited to visit.