I love my son, but.............

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a 23 year old son who lives far from home. I am a little confused about a few things but I guess if your son were immature that would explain them. But I definitely don't understand why you were so passive and just stood back allowing your son to behave this way.

You, as owner and head of household, need to approve all guests. After the FIRST night where his guests left a mess you should have said he couldn't have those people back since they weren't respectful of your home. Guys his age eat. A lot. That's not a big deal - it's to be expected, to be honest. I don't understand why you didn't take control though - why didn't YOU walk into the kitchen or wherever the guys were hanging out and say "Hey, you guys need to clean up this mess properly. Leaving it this way is unacceptable, and I know your parents taught you better." When your son made the dishwasher comment, your response should have been "If you acted like an adult, you would have just done it because you'd take good care of any environment you're in."

Why doesn't your son know to refill the gas he uses up in your car? In my son's seven years of driving he only didn't refill my tank ONCE, and he left me $20 with an apology note.

Your son acts this way because you've taught him, through your extreme passiveness, that it's okay to. If you want to fix this the way to do it is to call him and say "Jake, I was REALLY upset about how things went when you came home for Thanksgiving. It won't happen again. I am hesitant to even let you come home for Christmas, but if you really want to, you can as long as you follow the following rules:

1. you will clean up after yourself in a timely fashion. this means if you make a sandwich, after you finish prepping it, you will clean up the food and wipe down the counters
2. if you use up food you will replace it, leave money for it to be replaced, or put it on the shopping list (whatever works for you, OP)
3. if you want friends over you will ask for permission first
4. your friends will be respectful of this space. if they are not, they will be asked to leave immediately
5. you are responsible for cleaning up after your friends or getting them to do it.
6. you will not be allowed to use my car since you left it vulnurible to theft. perhaps in the future if i see other signs of maturity I'll reconsider this decision, but for this trip, you may not use my car.

So, still want to come?"

*OP Here*:

Thank you PP for the best response and advice so far. I agree that I have been too passive with him. He is my youngest (which is no excuse, I know).

I want to make a clarification here, he actually doesn't reside in an actual dorm, he lives in an off-campus college co-op for college students which he pays for with his student loans and scholarships.

don't call your son and say those things. It will cause a major rift. Instead, after he comes home, you spread out PP's advice. Like if your son makes plans with friends, just quickly say to him to clean up after his friends leave. Or when you give him the keys, ask him to fill it up when it gets low. If you spread out the advice into little bits, you'll be more likely to get along. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous








Anonymous wrote:OP - I feel the same way, my son is coming home and I too dread it in many ways. I may consider you somewhat lenient, but maybe you have money, who knows, but don't feel like your the only one. They want to go out, drink, come home and make a mess, argue with siblings and you, basically ruin the zen that is your life since they left home. All for a few shared moments the other parents on this thread seem to crave.

Mom - I too feel your pain- so long sonny boy, return when you can appreciate what we gave you -or not.


I think you are a troll too but I seriously feel bad for people who view family this way. I guess that's why there is a whole forum for it!


I am short, but not a troll. Just a mom who is haring on this site, like you.

[Anonymous]

sons at any age eat you out of house and home. You do realize that he is probably also gorging because he's been eating crappy food for months, right?

He should've told you the gas was low, so either don't give him the keys or tell him to warn you when home. He was broke so I don't know how you expected him to pay for fuel. He would probably do a lot better if you let him know what your expectations are.