I love my son, but.............

[Anonymous]

"Also, what 22 yr old is still in college in the dorm?"

I went to a SLAC in a small town and most students lived on-campus all 4 years. There was very little housing in the town.

[Anonymous]

I am not the maid, this isn't the food bank, my car is not your Uber when you need it for FREE, go to a hotel if you plan on entertaining your friends.

Don't like it, don't visit.

They lived with you too many years not to know how the house runs. That kind of disrespect should never be rewarded. This is not about love.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a you problem. Just tell your son his friends can't come over every night. I'm sure you are the only parent who was allowing this so all the kids were at your house- their parents said no. Also, what 22 yr old is still in college in the dorm?

You should feel guilty if you tell him he can't stay with you at the last minute. That is terrible thing to do. How about you set some limits first and then if he doesn't follow the rules he can't come back for summer.

Not OP, but it is not uncommon to have a 22 year-old senior who attends a residential college where the only housing available is in a dorm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am not the maid, this isn't the food bank, my car is not your Uber when you need it for FREE, go to a hotel if you plan on entertaining your friends.

Don't like it, don't visit.

They lived with you too many years not to know how the house runs. That kind of disrespect should never be rewarded. This is not about love.

Unless OP has always ran her house like she has. I doubt he acted like this just after 4 months.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a you problem. Just tell your son his friends can't come over every night. I'm sure you are the only parent who was allowing this so all the kids were at your house- their parents said no. Also, what 22 yr old is still in college in the dorm?

You should feel guilty if you tell him he can't stay with you at the last minute. That is terrible thing to do. How about you set some limits first and then if he doesn't follow the rules he can't come back for summer.

Not OP, but it is not uncommon to have a 22 year-old senior who attends a residential college where the only housing available is in a dorm.

I lived in the dorms all 4 years-- it just happened to be the cheapest option, other than living far from campus.

[Anonymous]

With gap year becoming a more popular option, there are definitely 22-year olds around. There are also those who could not afford college after high school who worked for a year or two. Dorms are often the most convenient and cost-effective option, especially when you don't have a car or access to a good rapid transit system.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a 23 year old son who lives far from home. I am a little confused about a few things but I guess if your son were immature that would explain them. But I definitely don't understand why you were so passive and just stood back allowing your son to behave this way.

You, as owner and head of household, need to approve all guests. After the FIRST night where his guests left a mess you should have said he couldn't have those people back since they weren't respectful of your home. Guys his age eat. A lot. That's not a big deal - it's to be expected, to be honest. I don't understand why you didn't take control though - why didn't YOU walk into the kitchen or wherever the guys were hanging out and say "Hey, you guys need to clean up this mess properly. Leaving it this way is unacceptable, and I know your parents taught you better." When your son made the dishwasher comment, your response should have been "If you acted like an adult, you would have just done it because you'd take good care of any environment you're in."

Why doesn't your son know to refill the gas he uses up in your car? In my son's seven years of driving he only didn't refill my tank ONCE, and he left me $20 with an apology note.

Your son acts this way because you've taught him, through your extreme passiveness, that it's okay to. If you want to fix this the way to do it is to call him and say "Jake, I was REALLY upset about how things went when you came home for Thanksgiving. It won't happen again. I am hesitant to even let you come home for Christmas, but if you really want to, you can as long as you follow the following rules:

1. you will clean up after yourself in a timely fashion. this means if you make a sandwich, after you finish prepping it, you will clean up the food and wipe down the counters
2. if you use up food you will replace it, leave money for it to be replaced, or put it on the shopping list (whatever works for you, OP)
3. if you want friends over you will ask for permission first
4. your friends will be respectful of this space. if they are not, they will be asked to leave immediately
5. you are responsible for cleaning up after your friends or getting them to do it.
6. you will not be allowed to use my car since you left it vulnurible to theft. perhaps in the future if i see other signs of maturity I'll reconsider this decision, but for this trip, you may not use my car.

So, still want to come?"

*OP Here*:

Thank you PP for the best response and advice so far. I agree that I have been too passive with him. He is my youngest (which is no excuse, I know).

I want to make a clarification here, he actually doesn't reside in an actual dorm, he lives in an off-campus college co-op for college students which he pays for with his student loans and scholarships.

[Anonymous]

OP - With at least one other child, it is time to establish "House Rules" for all of your adult children and/or spouses or girl/boy friends. You are not the chief cook and bottle washer. I think a simple email to all siblings saying that you have come to realize that if you want to enjoy the holidays and time with your family, it was time to establish some ground rules for all. And post and go from there. To your college-aged son you might also add that since his this Christmas is perhaps an extended visit, you do want to be clear on a few points that it will not be like Thanksgiving, which the previous poster listed quite clearly.

***And there definitely have to be clear expectations and rules if this youngest son is to return home in May after graduation while looking for a job or whatever on just lonw or even if he is welcome and what the rules of living there would be. It will be a real change for "junior," but remember you are in control of the car keys so if he wants to get the use of your vehicle, he can abide by your rules.

[Anonymous]

You all expect college students to pay for their own train tickets home and buy the food they eat while at home on xmas break? Merry fucking christmas mr Scrooge.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, are you seriously bitching about your child coming home for a holiday focused primarily on food and eating lots of food? Set some expectations about his behavior and contributions when he's home, but for goodness sake woman, let the guy (and his friends) eat!!! Do you have weird food issues?

This!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are an enabler here.

You are letting your own child take full advantage of you and walk all over you. His friends are doing the exact same thing to you too.

A 22 year old should not be staying at his parent's home, eating their grub, using their car and gas and not lifting a finger. At least they should pay for their own train ticket!

As long as you keep enabling your child the way you are, he will continue living on Easy Street.

What incentive does he have to do anything for himself??

He knows you will always be there to pick up the slack.

No offense, but your son is a 22 year old freeloader.

+1,000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The fuck? You are upset that he ate food? You let him use your car and gas, admit he has no money, and then get upset that he used the gas? Tell him he cant come for christmas because you are checking yourself into a mental institute. You sound nuts!

This made me laugh out loud.

[Anonymous]

A 22 year old should not be taking his parent's kindness for granted.

Not all kids his age have the luxury of being able to come home on breaks, stay for free, have full access to the fridge, shower, family car and family funds.

Some 22 year olds don't have nice families who will put up with cleaning up their messes and putting up with their attitudes and responsibilities like leaving a car door unlocked.

How nice for him...To be able to live on Easy Street for so long.

I say you let him stay for Christmas, however make him pay you back for the train ticket, then for any future visits tell him he has to contribute something to the household financially and if he gets an attitude with you again about cleaning up, you will kick his spoiled freeloading sorry ass from Easy Street to Skid Row.

Reality will open his eyes up real quick. Like a splash of cold water in his face.

[Anonymous]

I am so confused. Most college student that come home go grocery shopping and replace the food they ate?

[Anonymous]

You have to be kidding me. You are upset that your kid ATE FOOD???? God forbid my son eat food when he comes home!

WTF?