Brother leaves same-sex partner for a woman and wants to bring her home for the holidays

[Anonymous]

I’m all annoyed that my brother wants to bring the upheaval from his love life home for Christmas, but let me know if I am being an unreasonable Church Lady. My brother has been in a relationship for a decade with a man who everyone in our family loves. My kids (5 and 2) have always thought of both of them as their uncles and they visit and stay with us often. We host Christmas every year, and my brother usually comes alone while his partner goes to stay with his family, although we would have loved to have him.

In the last month, my brother has left his partner for a much younger woman. He dated women and men in the past, so the woman part is not as shocking to us as the fact that she’s 22 years old and he’s close to 40. The ex-partner does not know about this new woman. She and my brother work together, and no one there suspects anything, either, which isn’t surprising since I’m sure they all think my brother is straight-up gay. The ex-partner is devastated over the break-up, and it’s a very emotional time for them with my brother just moving out of their shared home in the last couple weeks. They are going to counseling together to get through this, although my brother insists it’s over and he doesn’t love the ex any more.

I haven’t told my children about their uncles breaking up, just because I want to make sure this is a real thing. In fact my 5-year-old just had a birthday over the weekend and my brother came, bringing along a very thoughtful gift from the ex-partner. But brother also said over weekend that he plans to bring the new woman with him to our house for Christmas this year. I gently told him to think about that because it would be pretty awkward to have this young woman and sends all sorts of confusing signals to everyone involved, including the woman and the kids. Brother says he understands, but he’s already invited her, doesn’t want to be apart from her and feels bad she has no where else to go for Christmas (her family is on the West Coast and she apparently can’t get there). So now brother is saying he intends to bring the woman to town, but put her in a hotel if we aren’t comfortable having her in the house. I think that’s even more awkward in some ways, because we are making her feel unwelcome at our home but I’m assuming he still expects her to come to all the family meals, to be there for present opening, etc. I just don't think it's right for him to bring a new secret lover home for the holidays.

So I insist that he not bring her, even if that means maybe he won’t come at all, which would make us all sad. Or should I just suck it up and welcome her? In that case, I'd welcome help with a script for my kids.

[Anonymous]

[Anonymous]

Suck it up. My 50 yo brother is bringing his 28 year old girlfriend he met at rehab.

Pass the wine.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't want her either. However, it's his life, and it's Christmas, and he's trying to meet you half-way by suggesting the hotel. I would take him up on that offer by telling him they should BOTH stay at a hotel, and come for meals and activities. And remind him not to engage in PDAs in your house, for the sake of your kids.

BTW, DH and I have the same age difference as your brother and his new SO, so it can work long-term.

[Anonymous]

Hahahahahaha .


Told ya it's a choice. Suck it PC ers!

Turns out 10000 years of human history and the bible are right about the nature of sexuality and the PCers are bumbling idiots.

[Anonymous]

I don't think you should say someone can't come. I think you are making more of it than need be. Just tell your kids that this is your brother's friend and leave it at that. Be welcoming.

[Anonymous]

amazing, he found the cure, now quickly get to the internet to post this service

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I wouldn't want her either. However, it's his life, and it's Christmas, and he's trying to meet you half-way by suggesting the hotel. I would take him up on that offer by telling him they should BOTH stay at a hotel, and come for meals and activities. And remind him not to engage in PDAs in your house, for the sake of your kids.

BTW, DH and I have the same age difference as your brother and his new SO, so it can work long-term.

This is a good compromise. Your brother has a lot of nerve inviting someone to your house without asking you first. Something tells me your brother is not too big on boundaries. Pass the wine.

[Anonymous]

I would say no. Sorry, but your kids are more important than this young girl's feeling. And your brother is being a big baby. He needs to understand that the kids need time to adjust and that you don't want to introduce them to new "family members" before some time has passed. Geez. I can't imagine why people would suck it up in this case. 22 years old??? That is bad for your kids to even see. If they get married or have children, you won't have a choice. Be really nice about this and say that you are very concerned about the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hahahahahaha .


Told ya it's a choice. Suck it PC ers!

Turns out 10000 years of human history and the bible are right about the nature of sexuality and the PCers are bumbling idiots.

That's funny!

[Anonymous]

By the way, it sounds like your brother needs to grow up.
Honestly, I cannot imagine leaving my DH and then taking up with someone new and a month later bringing him to my relatives' house for Christmas, ESPECIALLY without asking.
Tell your brother to grow up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would say no. Sorry, but your kids are more important than this young girl's feeling. And your brother is being a big baby. He needs to understand that the kids need time to adjust and that you don't want to introduce them to new "family members" before some time has passed. Geez. I can't imagine why people would suck it up in this case. 22 years old??? That is bad for your kids to even see. If they get married or have children, you won't have a choice. Be really nice about this and say that you are very concerned about the kids.

And one more thing, I would absolutely continue to invite the ex partner to see the children whenever he wants to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hahahahahaha .


Told ya it's a choice. Suck it PC ers!

Turns out 10000 years of human history and the bible are right about the nature of sexuality and the PCers are bumbling idiots.

You don't read very well. OP stated, "He dated women and men in the past..." which means that he isn't homosexual, he is bisexual. A homosexual man would feel no more comfortable partnering with a woman than a heterosexual man would feel comfortable partnering with a man.

So, tell me, if sexuality is a choice, why don't you partner with a person of the same sex as you? As Woody Allen says bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on a Saturday night.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I wouldn't want her either. However, it's his life, and it's Christmas, and he's trying to meet you half-way by suggesting the hotel. I would take him up on that offer by telling him they should BOTH stay at a hotel, and come for meals and activities. And remind him not to engage in PDAs in your house, for the sake of your kids.

BTW, DH and I have the same age difference as your brother and his new SO, so it can work long-term.

I originally started to write a response, but it got long and didn't stay on point, so I canceled. You said succinctly what I was trying to say and did it better.

OP, your brother has moved on. I understand why this is disruptive to the family, but he has a right to move on with his life and you need to try to be supportive. He has a new love interest, and she has nowhere to go for the holidays, so he invited her. I agree that having her stay in a hotel is a nice compromise and asking him to keep PDAs limited just for the short-term until the family can adjust is not unreasonable.

And for children's continuity it is important to keep good ties where you can. I agree with the other PP that you should let the ex-uncle know that he is still welcome to see you and the kids, as long as you schedule it around your brother's visits so that there aren't any awkward issues. My sister-in-law wasn't sure how our family would react when she divorced my brother. But we finally got through to her that she may have divorced my brother, but she was still the mother of my nieces and for my parents the mother of their grandchildren. She will always be family. Fortunately, after a couple of years, my brother and his ex- were able to coexist in their daughters lives amicably. But it helps the children with continuity to know that all the adults in their lives can get along even when a relationship dissolves.

[Anonymous]

For me, it would be too soon after the affair to host the new lady. Out of respect and caring for brother's ex, I would say the new woman is not welcome-maybe next year if they are still in love. Brother is free to make his own choices, but he should expect some social sanction when those choices are bad.