Brother leaves same-sex partner for a woman and wants to bring her home for the holidays

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand it's painful for all of your to lose someone you valued as a part of your family. That hurts, no matter what the circumstances, and I'm sorry your family holiday isn't going to be what you wanted it to be.

As for the new partner, a couple of thoughts. First, I think the issue of your kids not knowing isn't really fair. Unless your brother and his partner have a long history of breaking up, hooking with other people and then getting back together, I'm not sure why you'd think they might get back together and thus would withhold from your kids that they broke up. I may be off base, but I'm getting a vibe that it's a little bit of a passive-aggressive way to make a statement to your brother, and to find a pretext for excluding his new girlfriend. As to the girlfriend herself, is it that she's new? That it's too close to his break-up with this partner? If he had another new girlfriend next year that he wanted to bring, do you think you would be okay with that? I guess in my mind is to think about what kind of family you want to be here. Do you want to be warm, welcoming, inclusive, etc., or do you want to draw you and yours close to the exclusion of "outsiders"? If this woman turns out to be a long-term part of his life, will you be okay with her first impression of you being the sibling who excluded her from Christmas, and thus having her never really warm to including you either? Ultimately, she's not the one to blame for your brother's relationship ending, but it feels like you're punishing her as proxy for him, because you can't bring yourself to exclude him directly.

Are you kidding? Did you not read OP's post??
The brother just recently broke up with his partner and now wants to bring secret lover to his sister's house.
It's not like the brother and boyfriend have been broken up for a long time and brother had been dating this girl for months.
In what way is it exclusionary to say no to someone you have never met, did not personally invite, and whose presence will be awkward and require an explanation you should not have to give???

Yes, I did read it. I'm sorry you're having trouble with the idea that not everyone feels the same way you do.

That did not answer the question

I'm not sure what else you want me to say. The only new question was whether I read the OP's post. As for your other one, I think I already answered that -- I would take the long view of how I wanted my actions this year to affect my relationship with my brother (and this woman, if she ended up being a long-term part of his life). You didn't add any new information to change my mind.

You skipped the whole question about howcisvit exclusionary to say no to someone you never even invited to your own house.

[Anonymous]

To use your words, I think you should suck it up. Your kids are only 5 and 2. Just call her a friend. Little kids are innocent at this age and are not at all aware of the sexual aspect of this situation. If she feels comfortable staying in a hotel, let her. Your brother should be free to bring whoever he is with at the time. The ex is old news now, even though you liked him and miss him. Get with the program. Sure it will be awkward, but it should make for an interesting holiday. The kids should be more interested in the holiday and not who is with whom.

[Anonymous]

Wow. A lot of doormats on this thread. Ii would not accept anyone inviting guests to my holiday dinner without my permission and certainly not an affair partner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hahahahahaha .


Told ya it's a choice. Suck it PC ers!

Turns out 10000 years of human history and the bible are right about the nature of sexuality and the PCers are bumbling idiots.

Ever heard of the Kinsey scale? OP's brother is obviously bi-sexual, which is also not a choice.

[Anonymous]

You are overthinking this. He invited her because she is a good friend with nowhere to go for the holidays. Tell your kids she is uncle's friend. Sounds like he is okay with that based on the hotel room offer. If the relationship sticks you can later clarify who she really is to him, but in the meantime, no need to explain more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are overthinking this. He invited her because she is a good friend with nowhere to go for the holidays. Tell your kids she is uncle's friend. Sounds like he is okay with that based on the hotel room offer. If the relationship sticks you can later clarify who she really is to him, but in the meantime, no need to explain more.

I would take this approach, although I don't think you are overthinking it. My brother did this last summers ditched his girlfriend of 10 years and got a new girlfriend immediately. Was probably cheating. It was very hard on my then 6 year old son who went through a mourning process missing his ex "aunt." My brother didn't understand why everyone didn't immediately love his new girlfriend like he did. Take the friends approach for awhile if possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand it's painful for all of your to lose someone you valued as a part of your family. That hurts, no matter what the circumstances, and I'm sorry your family holiday isn't going to be what you wanted it to be.

As for the new partner, a couple of thoughts. First, I think the issue of your kids not knowing isn't really fair. Unless your brother and his partner have a long history of breaking up, hooking with other people and then getting back together, I'm not sure why you'd think they might get back together and thus would withhold from your kids that they broke up. I may be off base, but I'm getting a vibe that it's a little bit of a passive-aggressive way to make a statement to your brother, and to find a pretext for excluding his new girlfriend. As to the girlfriend herself, is it that she's new? That it's too close to his break-up with this partner? If he had another new girlfriend next year that he wanted to bring, do you think you would be okay with that? I guess in my mind is to think about what kind of family you want to be here. Do you want to be warm, welcoming, inclusive, etc., or do you want to draw you and yours close to the exclusion of "outsiders"? If this woman turns out to be a long-term part of his life, will you be okay with her first impression of you being the sibling who excluded her from Christmas, and thus having her never really warm to including you either? Ultimately, she's not the one to blame for your brother's relationship ending, but it feels like you're punishing her as proxy for him, because you can't bring yourself to exclude him directly.

Are you kidding? Did you not read OP's post??
The brother just recently broke up with his partner and now wants to bring secret lover to his sister's house.
It's not like the brother and boyfriend have been broken up for a long time and brother had been dating this girl for months.
In what way is it exclusionary to say no to someone you have never met, did not personally invite, and whose presence will be awkward and require an explanation you should not have to give???

Yes, I did read it. I'm sorry you're having trouble with the idea that not everyone feels the same way you do.

That did not answer the question

I'm not sure what else you want me to say. The only new question was whether I read the OP's post. As for your other one, I think I already answered that -- I would take the long view of how I wanted my actions this year to affect my relationship with my brother (and this woman, if she ended up being a long-term part of his life). You didn't add any new information to change my mind.

You skipped the whole question about howcisvit exclusionary to say no to someone you never even invited to your own house.

Because at this point in time, brother considers her a significant part of his life. As soon as we start trying to parse relatives' romantic relationships to determine whether they're significant enough to be included in a holiday celebration, you are being exclusionary. You're drawing a circle around the family and telling others they are not welcome inside.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To use your words, I think you should suck it up. Your kids are only 5 and 2. Just call her a friend. Little kids are innocent at this age and are not at all aware of the sexual aspect of this situation. If she feels comfortable staying in a hotel, let her. Your brother should be free to bring whoever he is with at the time. The ex is old news now, even though you liked him and miss him. Get with the program. Sure it will be awkward, but it should make for an interesting holiday. The kids should be more interested in the holiday and not who is with whom.

How old are your kids? My 4 year old would ask questions and my 6 year old would ask AWKWARD questions. OP knows her kids best - if she thinks they won't notice then it's less of an issue. But mine? They would notice and ask questions, and I'd be having conversations I really just don't want to deal with right now. Not because of a sexual aspect but because of a relationship aspect: "what happened to uncle joe? Why isn't Uncle Sam with him anymore? When do we see uncle joe again? When did Uncle Sam meet miss Sally? Will you and daddy break up too?" Etc. etc. And should it ever come up they would tell the Ex because kids tell the truth.

And did no one else notice that OP's brother is simultaneously doing counseling with his 'ex' while keeping his new paramour a secret but planning to bring her to a family Christmas? Admittedly my brother has kids so that changes things, but if he ever got into this situation with his wife I sure hope I'd ream him one for being a total dick and invite my SIL to Christmas.

As for the bisexuality issue - that seems like a total red herring in this discussion, and the genders of all parties seem irrelevant.

I'm sorry OP. I'm sure you're brother is actually a good person who is just behaving like an ass, and I know it's easy for me to say all this because I'm not dealing with it. So my sympathy on having to deal with other people's messes.

[Anonymous]

Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!!!


Why not? Drink heavily and be merry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I love you GIFer!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand it's painful for all of your to lose someone you valued as a part of your family. That hurts, no matter what the circumstances, and I'm sorry your family holiday isn't going to be what you wanted it to be.

As for the new partner, a couple of thoughts. First, I think the issue of your kids not knowing isn't really fair. Unless your brother and his partner have a long history of breaking up, hooking with other people and then getting back together, I'm not sure why you'd think they might get back together and thus would withhold from your kids that they broke up. I may be off base, but I'm getting a vibe that it's a little bit of a passive-aggressive way to make a statement to your brother, and to find a pretext for excluding his new girlfriend. As to the girlfriend herself, is it that she's new? That it's too close to his break-up with this partner? If he had another new girlfriend next year that he wanted to bring, do you think you would be okay with that? I guess in my mind is to think about what kind of family you want to be here. Do you want to be warm, welcoming, inclusive, etc., or do you want to draw you and yours close to the exclusion of "outsiders"? If this woman turns out to be a long-term part of his life, will you be okay with her first impression of you being the sibling who excluded her from Christmas, and thus having her never really warm to including you either? Ultimately, she's not the one to blame for your brother's relationship ending, but it feels like you're punishing her as proxy for him, because you can't bring yourself to exclude him directly.

Are you kidding? Did you not read OP's post??
The brother just recently broke up with his partner and now wants to bring secret lover to his sister's house.
It's not like the brother and boyfriend have been broken up for a long time and brother had been dating this girl for months.
In what way is it exclusionary to say no to someone you have never met, did not personally invite, and whose presence will be awkward and require an explanation you should not have to give???

Yes, I did read it. I'm sorry you're having trouble with the idea that not everyone feels the same way you do.

That did not answer the question

I'm not sure what else you want me to say. The only new question was whether I read the OP's post. As for your other one, I think I already answered that -- I would take the long view of how I wanted my actions this year to affect my relationship with my brother (and this woman, if she ended up being a long-term part of his life). You didn't add any new information to change my mind.

You skipped the whole question about howcisvit exclusionary to say no to someone you never even invited to your own house.

Because at this point in time, brother considers her a significant part of his life. As soon as we start trying to parse relatives' romantic relationships to determine whether they're significant enough to be included in a holiday celebration, you are being exclusionary. You're drawing a circle around the family and telling others they are not welcome inside.

WTF!!!!
Yes, u have a right to get to know people before I bring them into my family and home.
I don't just grab strangers off the street and say come on in.
In my house I get to determine if I feel comfortable enough to allow you around my kids and family.
Relative or not, you do not get to s*** on someone, keep a secret and then expect me to collude with you in your secret relationship around my kids and at the holiday . Keep your mess at home.

[Anonymous]

[phone]

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:[phone]

what post are you co-signing on?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:[phone]

what post are you co-signing on?

Sorry. 07:49. I could not have said it better myself. I posted some other things but this post is more concise than mine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am 'bout sick and tired of thinking they can do whatever they want without consideration of how their BEHAVIOUR affects others, then these others are supposed to co-sign on their dumb-ass s***.
OP's brother can sleep with entire population of Maine, but that dies not mean that OP has to host everyone of those M*****F*******!

Yes! Exactly! Good God, this is not about judgement! It is about OP's brother being an inconsiderate SHIT and ruining everyone's Christmas. They are just beginning to cope with the loss of his ex-partner as a family member. That is a big deal. And he is expecting them to keep his affair a secret too! WTH? Why can't anyone see how crappy he is being? OP has no obligation to have this in her house for the holidays. He is imposing his sex life on her and her family.

As a kid, I can say no one ever ruined Christmas for me. My uncle's brought women in and out. I didn't bat an eye, because I was a child and it was CHRISTMAS. I didn't give a damn about adult problems or my Uncle's new floozy.