SAHM’s - anyone successfully convince DH to support their staying home long term?

[Anonymous]

OP, I have been a SAHM for 12 years but believe your question, in and of itself, is so wrong. Neither spouse should need to convince the other to leave the workforce. If your DH does not agree you should work until retirement. If DH tells me I must work full-time I will do so for as long as we are married. That is only fair and right. Money is not the issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Real question- what do SAHM’s do with their time when the kids are in school all day or out of the house altogether?

Uhmm...it's free time. I do what other people do with their free time. Read, exercise, see friends, do some housework and gardening, etc.
DH and I also spend "date days" together sometimes if he has a day off during the week, and we just hang out in the house with no kids for hours.

My husband probably has considerably more free time to read, golf, and hang out with our older kids and his friends than he did when I was also working FT. When we were both working, we had to do all of the household stuff and kid stuff evenings and weekends, and when that was finished, we had to split any available leisure time in half. So, maybe he could go for a bike ride for a couple of hours, and I could go to get my hair cut. Neither of us really had close friends.

Very few women in DC have close friends who live in DC. I am convinced it’s because most couples are dual income. There isn’t time for friends.

I think this is true for both men and women. I have noticed in my own life that friends are the first thing to go when I feel overwhelmed.

DP. I have two kids and am pregnant with a third, work in biglaw, have a husband with an equally demanding career, and have great friends in DC. And obviously all of my friends (who are similarly situated) also have friends. It's not uncommon. I don't get enough exercise or sleep, but I do make time for friendship!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Real question- what do SAHM’s do with their time when the kids are in school all day or out of the house altogether?

Well, what kinds of things do you do on the weekends? Start there. I clean the house, run errands, go to the grocery store, prep meals, tidy up after kids, organize their wardrobes, do laundry, etc.

I work on obedience training our dog, organize our photos, spend some time on social media (including wasting time on DCUM clearly lol), go to exercise classes, take my dog on long walks while listening to podcasts. My husband and I do a lunch date once a week. Some weeks I meet up with my mom for lunch. I go to coffee with a group of friends after our barre class once a week. I do the usual personal upkeep stuff - hair, nails, bikini wax, occasionally a massage or facial. I occasionally go shopping with a friend or on my own. I read a lot and I'm in a book group. Before the pandemic, I volunteered in the kids' schools. Recently I started volunteering at an animal shelter.

My husband is semi retired. In the winter, we go skiing once a week. In the spring and fall we play tennis together. We love to travel and we do it as much as we can. I research and plan all of our trips (6-7 including long weekends).

Our afternoons are very busy because our kids are busy. I pick up the kids from school twice a week to get them to the tutor on time and I facilitate stuff with the tutor. I take the kids to their activities. Some I have to stay for. I usually take them to the library once a week to return and pick up new books. Then back home for dinner, homework, showers, bedtime routine.

Weekends we like to keep free so we can do fun stuff with the kids. Outings to their games, kid friendly museums, the zoo or aquarium, hikes, skiing in the winter, etc. Church on Sunday, brunch after with my in laws, and we have game night every Sunday night.

IDK, it feels like a nice life to me. It's privileged for sure, I admit that. Raising our kids to be good people gives me a sense of purpose. Noticing and appreciating life's little moments gives me meaning.

Sounds like you are rich (what with the constant lunches out, skiing and tennis, semi retired husband, etc.). Nice for you I guess but far from reality for most people.

Wealthy or not, the PP doesn’t have her own money and she would be vulnerable in the case of divorce. Do you think her husband would want to pay alimony for a lifetime for an able- bodied brown woman?

Doesn’t matter if he wants to or not. If they’ve been married a long time, she’ll get it. Plus half their assets.

Typo…not brown but grown. I don’t know any divorced SAHM who got lifetime alimony. Half the assets yes, but to be “maintained” like a mistress for a lifetime is laughable.

If she has a good lawyer, and they were married a long time, yes she will get alimony. The few former SAHMs I know that divorced wealthy men after 15+ yrs of marriage are doing just fine financially.

What if their ex dies? Their cash cow will be gone.

A little thing called life insurance. It's typical for high earning spouses to have a 2M + life insurance policy. Plus some level of disability insurance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Real question- what do SAHM’s do with their time when the kids are in school all day or out of the house altogether?

Uhmm...it's free time. I do what other people do with their free time. Read, exercise, see friends, do some housework and gardening, etc.
DH and I also spend "date days" together sometimes if he has a day off during the week, and we just hang out in the house with no kids for hours.

My husband probably has considerably more free time to read, golf, and hang out with our older kids and his friends than he did when I was also working FT. When we were both working, we had to do all of the household stuff and kid stuff evenings and weekends, and when that was finished, we had to split any available leisure time in half. So, maybe he could go for a bike ride for a couple of hours, and I could go to get my hair cut. Neither of us really had close friends.

Very few women in DC have close friends who live in DC. I am convinced it’s because most couples are dual income. There isn’t time for friends.

I think this is true for both men and women. I have noticed in my own life that friends are the first thing to go when I feel overwhelmed.

DP. I have two kids and am pregnant with a third, work in biglaw, have a husband with an equally demanding career, and have great friends in DC. And obviously all of my friends (who are similarly situated) also have friends. It's not uncommon. I don't get enough exercise or sleep, but I do make time for friendship!

That's awesome.
How do you make time for it?

I had some very close friends when I worked part time, and we would probably hang out and talk while the kids would play for maybe 5-10 hours/wk. I still see my friends, but it's more like once or twice a month, and they just aren't as close anymore. I can see that in a few years, I probably won't even really know what's going on in their lives, let alone all of the details and all of their thoughts about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Real question- what do SAHM’s do with their time when the kids are in school all day or out of the house altogether?

Well, what kinds of things do you do on the weekends? Start there. I clean the house, run errands, go to the grocery store, prep meals, tidy up after kids, organize their wardrobes, do laundry, etc.

I work on obedience training our dog, organize our photos, spend some time on social media (including wasting time on DCUM clearly lol), go to exercise classes, take my dog on long walks while listening to podcasts. My husband and I do a lunch date once a week. Some weeks I meet up with my mom for lunch. I go to coffee with a group of friends after our barre class once a week. I do the usual personal upkeep stuff - hair, nails, bikini wax, occasionally a massage or facial. I occasionally go shopping with a friend or on my own. I read a lot and I'm in a book group. Before the pandemic, I volunteered in the kids' schools. Recently I started volunteering at an animal shelter.

My husband is semi retired. In the winter, we go skiing once a week. In the spring and fall we play tennis together. We love to travel and we do it as much as we can. I research and plan all of our trips (6-7 including long weekends).

Our afternoons are very busy because our kids are busy. I pick up the kids from school twice a week to get them to the tutor on time and I facilitate stuff with the tutor. I take the kids to their activities. Some I have to stay for. I usually take them to the library once a week to return and pick up new books. Then back home for dinner, homework, showers, bedtime routine.

Weekends we like to keep free so we can do fun stuff with the kids. Outings to their games, kid friendly museums, the zoo or aquarium, hikes, skiing in the winter, etc. Church on Sunday, brunch after with my in laws, and we have game night every Sunday night.

IDK, it feels like a nice life to me. It's privileged for sure, I admit that. Raising our kids to be good people gives me a sense of purpose. Noticing and appreciating life's little moments gives me meaning.

Sounds like you are rich (what with the constant lunches out, skiing and tennis, semi retired husband, etc.). Nice for you I guess but far from reality for most people.

Wealthy or not, the PP doesn’t have her own money and she would be vulnerable in the case of divorce. Do you think her husband would want to pay alimony for a lifetime for an able- bodied brown woman?

Doesn’t matter if he wants to or not. If they’ve been married a long time, she’ll get it. Plus half their assets.

Typo…not brown but grown. I don’t know any divorced SAHM who got lifetime alimony. Half the assets yes, but to be “maintained” like a mistress for a lifetime is laughable.

If she has a good lawyer, and they were married a long time, yes she will get alimony. The few former SAHMs I know that divorced wealthy men after 15+ yrs of marriage are doing just fine financially.

What if their ex dies? Their cash cow will be gone.

A little thing called life insurance. It's typical for high earning spouses to have a 2M + life insurance policy. Plus some level of disability insurance.

Our they are wealthy enough they don’t life insurance.

[Anonymous]

I’ve been mostly a SAHM/SAHW for 33 years. I am a personal trainer and work about 10-15 hours a week. I didn’t have to “convince” my DH of anything. We agreed before we got married that I would SAH. It’s never been an issue. These are the kinds of things you discuss before you get married. Shared goals and a shared vision of what you want your life to look like is so important.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Real question- what do SAHM’s do with their time when the kids are in school all day or out of the house altogether?

Well, what kinds of things do you do on the weekends? Start there. I clean the house, run errands, go to the grocery store, prep meals, tidy up after kids, organize their wardrobes, do laundry, etc.

I work on obedience training our dog, organize our photos, spend some time on social media (including wasting time on DCUM clearly lol), go to exercise classes, take my dog on long walks while listening to podcasts. My husband and I do a lunch date once a week. Some weeks I meet up with my mom for lunch. I go to coffee with a group of friends after our barre class once a week. I do the usual personal upkeep stuff - hair, nails, bikini wax, occasionally a massage or facial. I occasionally go shopping with a friend or on my own. I read a lot and I'm in a book group. Before the pandemic, I volunteered in the kids' schools. Recently I started volunteering at an animal shelter.

My husband is semi retired. In the winter, we go skiing once a week. In the spring and fall we play tennis together. We love to travel and we do it as much as we can. I research and plan all of our trips (6-7 including long weekends).

Our afternoons are very busy because our kids are busy. I pick up the kids from school twice a week to get them to the tutor on time and I facilitate stuff with the tutor. I take the kids to their activities. Some I have to stay for. I usually take them to the library once a week to return and pick up new books. Then back home for dinner, homework, showers, bedtime routine.

Weekends we like to keep free so we can do fun stuff with the kids. Outings to their games, kid friendly museums, the zoo or aquarium, hikes, skiing in the winter, etc. Church on Sunday, brunch after with my in laws, and we have game night every Sunday night.

IDK, it feels like a nice life to me. It's privileged for sure, I admit that. Raising our kids to be good people gives me a sense of purpose. Noticing and appreciating life's little moments gives me meaning.

Sounds like you are rich (what with the constant lunches out, skiing and tennis, semi retired husband, etc.). Nice for you I guess but far from reality for most people.

Wealthy or not, the PP doesn’t have her own money and she would be vulnerable in the case of divorce. Do you think her husband would want to pay alimony for a lifetime for an able- bodied brown woman?

Doesn’t matter if he wants to or not. If they’ve been married a long time, she’ll get it. Plus half their assets.

Typo…not brown but grown. I don’t know any divorced SAHM who got lifetime alimony. Half the assets yes, but to be “maintained” like a mistress for a lifetime is laughable.

If she has a good lawyer, and they were married a long time, yes she will get alimony. The few former SAHMs I know that divorced wealthy men after 15+ yrs of marriage are doing just fine financially.

DP. How is half of what you used to have access to doing fine financially?

Half of a large amount of wealth, is still a lot. Often times, more than enough. Same for if spouse dies, if you own your house(s), cars, have millions in assets and savings…you will be just fine

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I have been a SAHM for 12 years but believe your question, in and of itself, is so wrong. Neither spouse should need to convince the other to leave the workforce. If your DH does not agree you should work until retirement. If DH tells me I must work full-time I will do so for as long as we are married. That is only fair and right. Money is not the issue.

I don't know. This goes both ways.

If the expectation is that both spouses work outside the home, then the expectation should be that both spouses work to make that possible by splitting up chores and childcare duty. Even if that means that neither spouse really gets the life or career that they wanted.



I'm a WOHM, but when my kids were little, I sometimes felt like Cinderella, and my family was like the evil stepmother. DH, my kids school, my mom, and my friends and relatives all paid lip service to supporting me working, but in reality, it was like: "I see no reason you can't work. IF you can get all of the chores done. And IF you can find childcare. And IF you can find something suitable to wear."
My situation is annoying enough, but OP's is worse. You can't be Cinderella's stepmother, tear her dress, and give her a whole list of chores to do, and then be SURPRISED when she doesn't show up to the ball.

[Anonymous]

It's different with women because we are pregnant for 9 months and honestly I think everyone should stay home for at least the first year.

Every man should assume his wife will be in and out of the work force. Yes it should be discussed before marriage, but things do change. What if you have a SN child? A lot of unforeseen things happen. If you can afford it OP then yes I would quit to be home with the kids. You can't get those years back. Especially if you're the one doing most of the child and house chores it's obvious you should quit. He doesn't seem bothered by you having two jobs. I think you shouldn't be bothered if it bugs him you quit. Oh well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Real question- what do SAHM’s do with their time when the kids are in school all day or out of the house altogether?

Well, what kinds of things do you do on the weekends? Start there. I clean the house, run errands, go to the grocery store, prep meals, tidy up after kids, organize their wardrobes, do laundry, etc.

I work on obedience training our dog, organize our photos, spend some time on social media (including wasting time on DCUM clearly lol), go to exercise classes, take my dog on long walks while listening to podcasts. My husband and I do a lunch date once a week. Some weeks I meet up with my mom for lunch. I go to coffee with a group of friends after our barre class once a week. I do the usual personal upkeep stuff - hair, nails, bikini wax, occasionally a massage or facial. I occasionally go shopping with a friend or on my own. I read a lot and I'm in a book group. Before the pandemic, I volunteered in the kids' schools. Recently I started volunteering at an animal shelter.

My husband is semi retired. In the winter, we go skiing once a week. In the spring and fall we play tennis together. We love to travel and we do it as much as we can. I research and plan all of our trips (6-7 including long weekends).

Our afternoons are very busy because our kids are busy. I pick up the kids from school twice a week to get them to the tutor on time and I facilitate stuff with the tutor. I take the kids to their activities. Some I have to stay for. I usually take them to the library once a week to return and pick up new books. Then back home for dinner, homework, showers, bedtime routine.

Weekends we like to keep free so we can do fun stuff with the kids. Outings to their games, kid friendly museums, the zoo or aquarium, hikes, skiing in the winter, etc. Church on Sunday, brunch after with my in laws, and we have game night every Sunday night.

IDK, it feels like a nice life to me. It's privileged for sure, I admit that. Raising our kids to be good people gives me a sense of purpose. Noticing and appreciating life's little moments gives me meaning.

Sounds like you are rich (what with the constant lunches out, skiing and tennis, semi retired husband, etc.). Nice for you I guess but far from reality for most people.

Wealthy or not, the PP doesn’t have her own money and she would be vulnerable in the case of divorce. Do you think her husband would want to pay alimony for a lifetime for an able- bodied brown woman?

Where did you read that? Yes she does have her own money. All the assets would be split as well as the retirement, house, etc. I was divorced and I will get my portion of our retirement at the given age. All income is joint fyi.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Real question- what do SAHM’s do with their time when the kids are in school all day or out of the house altogether?

Well, what kinds of things do you do on the weekends? Start there. I clean the house, run errands, go to the grocery store, prep meals, tidy up after kids, organize their wardrobes, do laundry, etc.

I work on obedience training our dog, organize our photos, spend some time on social media (including wasting time on DCUM clearly lol), go to exercise classes, take my dog on long walks while listening to podcasts. My husband and I do a lunch date once a week. Some weeks I meet up with my mom for lunch. I go to coffee with a group of friends after our barre class once a week. I do the usual personal upkeep stuff - hair, nails, bikini wax, occasionally a massage or facial. I occasionally go shopping with a friend or on my own. I read a lot and I'm in a book group. Before the pandemic, I volunteered in the kids' schools. Recently I started volunteering at an animal shelter.

My husband is semi retired. In the winter, we go skiing once a week. In the spring and fall we play tennis together. We love to travel and we do it as much as we can. I research and plan all of our trips (6-7 including long weekends).

Our afternoons are very busy because our kids are busy. I pick up the kids from school twice a week to get them to the tutor on time and I facilitate stuff with the tutor. I take the kids to their activities. Some I have to stay for. I usually take them to the library once a week to return and pick up new books. Then back home for dinner, homework, showers, bedtime routine.

Weekends we like to keep free so we can do fun stuff with the kids. Outings to their games, kid friendly museums, the zoo or aquarium, hikes, skiing in the winter, etc. Church on Sunday, brunch after with my in laws, and we have game night every Sunday night.

IDK, it feels like a nice life to me. It's privileged for sure, I admit that. Raising our kids to be good people gives me a sense of purpose. Noticing and appreciating life's little moments gives me meaning.

Sounds like you are rich (what with the constant lunches out, skiing and tennis, semi retired husband, etc.). Nice for you I guess but far from reality for most people.

Wealthy or not, the PP doesn’t have her own money and she would be vulnerable in the case of divorce. Do you think her husband would want to pay alimony for a lifetime for an able- bodied brown woman?

Where did you read that? Yes she does have her own money. All the assets would be split as well as the retirement, house, etc. I was divorced and I will get my portion of our retirement at the given age. All income is joint fyi.

DP. Her husband is semi-retired you are assuming this is money from income and not an inheritance.

[Anonymous]

Look at the costs and discuss the carpooling and who stays home with the sick kid.

I would have made around $1150/week pre tax working F/T so I would clear about $800/week after tax. I would have needed to spend about $250 for a weekly house clean and $200/week for after care. Now my gross is $350/week.

Not quite sure to count in commuting gas, work wordrobe etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Look at the costs and discuss the carpooling and who stays home with the sick kid.

I would have made around $1150/week pre tax working F/T so I would clear about $800/week after tax. I would have needed to spend about $250 for a weekly house clean and $200/week for after care. Now my gross is $350/week.

Not quite sure to count in commuting gas, work wordrobe etc.

No retirement benefits (401k etc.), no health insurance coverage, no Social Security accrual?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Look at the costs and discuss the carpooling and who stays home with the sick kid.

I would have made around $1150/week pre tax working F/T so I would clear about $800/week after tax. I would have needed to spend about $250 for a weekly house clean and $200/week for after care. Now my gross is $350/week.

Not quite sure to count in commuting gas, work wordrobe etc.

You would have made $800/wk after tax if yours was the only income. As it is, you are taxed at the highest tax bracket your husband has reached, plus he doesn't get the tax benefit of having you as his dependent. I'm willing to bet it's less than $800/wk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Real question- what do SAHM’s do with their time when the kids are in school all day or out of the house altogether?

Well, what kinds of things do you do on the weekends? Start there. I clean the house, run errands, go to the grocery store, prep meals, tidy up after kids, organize their wardrobes, do laundry, etc.

I work on obedience training our dog, organize our photos, spend some time on social media (including wasting time on DCUM clearly lol), go to exercise classes, take my dog on long walks while listening to podcasts. My husband and I do a lunch date once a week. Some weeks I meet up with my mom for lunch. I go to coffee with a group of friends after our barre class once a week. I do the usual personal upkeep stuff - hair, nails, bikini wax, occasionally a massage or facial. I occasionally go shopping with a friend or on my own. I read a lot and I'm in a book group. Before the pandemic, I volunteered in the kids' schools. Recently I started volunteering at an animal shelter.

My husband is semi retired. In the winter, we go skiing once a week. In the spring and fall we play tennis together. We love to travel and we do it as much as we can. I research and plan all of our trips (6-7 including long weekends).

Our afternoons are very busy because our kids are busy. I pick up the kids from school twice a week to get them to the tutor on time and I facilitate stuff with the tutor. I take the kids to their activities. Some I have to stay for. I usually take them to the library once a week to return and pick up new books. Then back home for dinner, homework, showers, bedtime routine.

Weekends we like to keep free so we can do fun stuff with the kids. Outings to their games, kid friendly museums, the zoo or aquarium, hikes, skiing in the winter, etc. Church on Sunday, brunch after with my in laws, and we have game night every Sunday night.

IDK, it feels like a nice life to me. It's privileged for sure, I admit that. Raising our kids to be good people gives me a sense of purpose. Noticing and appreciating life's little moments gives me meaning.

Sounds like you are rich (what with the constant lunches out, skiing and tennis, semi retired husband, etc.). Nice for you I guess but far from reality for most people.

Wealthy or not, the PP doesn’t have her own money and she would be vulnerable in the case of divorce. Do you think her husband would want to pay alimony for a lifetime for an able- bodied brown woman?

Doesn’t matter if he wants to or not. If they’ve been married a long time, she’ll get it. Plus half their assets.

Typo…not brown but grown. I don’t know any divorced SAHM who got lifetime alimony. Half the assets yes, but to be “maintained” like a mistress for a lifetime is laughable.

Friend in Virginia just got divorced. Married 15 years. She works but makes about 25% of what he does. She is getting alimony for 7 years.