I’m 20w pregnant. My fiance told me he has herpes.

[Anonymous]

Is OP having herpes at all? I would go to therapy but won’t break up over it. Too many moving parts and she won’t benefit from a custody fight right out delivery door

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - can he just be freaking out about a test that revealed an old infection ? Many people may not realize they have it. It’s a stressful time for both of you

He could be freaking out just as much as you do

He sent this last night:

“I did not cheat on you, I never have. I checked when I got home again because I didn't have the test results in front of me when I was telling you.

The last two tests that I have showing a positive test were in April 2022 which makes sense because I requested an STD panel after my divorce. And the most recent one was in January 2025. Even my 2022 results, My doctor said that I was "exposed" to an STD but there was no further follow-up because I had no symptoms and there was no back and forth on it. And even this wasn't verbal, this is me interpreting the the labs after the fact.

Then I was tested when I was in DC with you last year, I just did a general annual checkup. I did not request a herpes test. I have been going to the same doctor for 10 years in this HSV-2 panel was only on two of my screens. Again my doctor did not say anything to me about the results. I look more into my own health results as an as an entirety once I found out you were pregnant.”

He got divorced about 4 years ago…

That sounds fully credible OP. Up to you if you want to tank the relationship or not. Since you aren’t married and he is divorced, my guess is that this relationship was never going to go the distance anyway. I suggest just breaking up and working on a custody agreement. Easier on everyone.

Divorced people can’t get remarried and it work out?

I think a well-educated divorced man who hasn’t actually married his pregnant girlfriend by 20 weeks is probably not really that into the whole deal. Maybe he would have married her eventually but sounds like he is not really that enthusiastic.

Op here,

We got engaged in December. Our babymoon is (was supposed to be) next month - a few days in Miami then finishing the trip in PR. We planned on getting married on the beach, just the two of us. Then have a wedding with family and friends June 2027.

Have you started cancelling this stuff and rescheduling your flight for something else?

Luckily, I didn’t pay for anything. I plan on taking a trip with my girlfriends but I haven’t said or done anything yet. Needed time to wrap my head around things and get through my appointment first.

OP you need to come down to earth. Are you prepared to see your baby only 50% of the time? Because 50-50 custody is the norm, and no, a judge will not give you sole custody because you are breastfeeding or you are over-reacting to this.

I suggest you go to family therapy with your fiance to better understand what happened. While I would certainly be upset if I were you, unless there were other big issues, there is no way I would walk out on my baby’s father just for this. You truly are having a very intense reaction that many people would not have, and you need to wrap your head around that. There is more than one way to see this situation.

Thank you. I don’t think I’m overreacting at all, and I think a lot of people would have this reaction, especially a pregnant woman. You were willing to put my health, but more importantly our baby’s health at risk because you’re too much of a coward? If I hadn’t pressed that night when was he going to tell me? It wasn’t when he proposed, it wasn’t when he found out I was pregnant- so no major life event did it, so when? I just can’t wrap my mind around that. Then there’s the added layer of what else are you hiding? Along with a ton of resentment. He broke my trust in a major way. You can’t be with someone you don’t trust.

I don’t mind going to therapy for the sake of our baby, even if it’s just for coparenting but as of right now that’s all I can see for us. Maybe cooler heads will prevail because I definitely see what you’re saying. Maybe I’ll feel differently when the baby is actually here.

You ARE reacting a lot more intensely than other people would. That is the point. You feel how you feel but it is not the only possible option here. You are being very dramatic and it is not clear that it is warranted. He told you the truth but just not on the timeline you wanted.

Again if you want to lose custody of your baby 50% of the time because you prefer to play the victim instead of working things out, go ahead.

PP you are the epitome of the low standards accepting woman on this site that then comes whining about how terrible their life is. Stop trying to bring others down to your level.

I don't understand the mentality of "well he's a shit partner, but it could be worse!" Like yikes, please have some standards and self esteem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm very sorry you are going thru this. Unfortunately, I have a family member who went through something similar (i.e. a partner who had herpes) and I myself ended up with someone who had undisclosed herpes.

My view of this through my family member's experience shaped my own decision years later. My family member was pregnant, her husband had herpes. I don't know what the discussion was about that - whether he disclosed - prior to pregnancy, but I do know that she discovered that her baby was anencephalic (meaning developed without a brain) in the 8th month, as a consequence of herpes infection during pregnancy. She went through the trauma of deciding whether to have an abortion or birth the baby, the latter of which also involved thinking about whether the baby would be provided life saving supports like intubation, resuscitation, etc. if necessary. She decided to have an abortion, and when she went to the hospital for the procedure, she was informed that the baby was already without a heartbeat, and she ended up having a stillbirth. Because I worked in reproductive health policy at the time, the couple turned to me to ask questions about abortion, where to get one, how to handle the stillbirth, whether they should see the baby after birth, etc. The whole situation was heartbreaking.

More than 2 decades later, I came to find out that my partner, father of my child, also had herpes and actively hid the infection from me. I won't get into how I found out. He tried to convince me of what many are saying on this thread -- "it's only oral herpes, everyone has that and it's not dangerous". Except his oral herpes can be transmitted to my genitals through oral sex, so IMO he should have disclosed to me and let me make my own decision about whether to continue to have sex with him. He also tried to say he had it before we met, and it wasn't through any cheating, but that, OFC, turned out to be false.

TBH, I was never able to get past the lies. Sex with him started to feel very rapey to me - he was not giving me full informed consent to our sex. He lied about the herpes deliberately because he was afraid I would make a choice he didn't like, so he chose to control the information I had so that I would continue to sleep with him. I had no idea what was going on and exposed myself and a child (because I was pregnant after he knew he had herpes but before I knew he had herpes). Having had my family experience with pregnancy and herpes, I just could not accept the level of risk he was willing to place on me without my knowledge.

I asked him to move out. I kept full custody of our 2 children, who were only toddlers at the time, and he had visitation. Was it hard? Frightfully, but staying and raising children with a partner who was fundamentally a danger to me and the kids would have been way worse. The kind of person who would be so reckless and manipulative, also presented similar character problems as our children grew into adults. I was never going to be able to change him into the kind of person who would care about others, protect them and do the thing that would be hard for him but better for others.

There is not a day I have looked back and wished I stayed with him. I only wish I had left immediately, instead of taking a year to try and hear his side of the story (a story that he gaslight and trickle-truther about), get couples therapy, etc.

OFC, YMMV. What you decide to do is your choice.

I just wanted to share that it is OK to take this situation seriously and to end a relationship over it. I chose safety for myself, and that is OK.

Thank you for sharing your story. I hope it's helpful for OP, especially on this thread with so many people trying to play off these lies and deceit as normal or okay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm very sorry you are going thru this. Unfortunately, I have a family member who went through something similar (i.e. a partner who had herpes) and I myself ended up with someone who had undisclosed herpes.

My view of this through my family member's experience shaped my own decision years later. My family member was pregnant, her husband had herpes. I don't know what the discussion was about that - whether he disclosed - prior to pregnancy, but I do know that she discovered that her baby was anencephalic (meaning developed without a brain) in the 8th month, as a consequence of herpes infection during pregnancy. She went through the trauma of deciding whether to have an abortion or birth the baby, the latter of which also involved thinking about whether the baby would be provided life saving supports like intubation, resuscitation, etc. if necessary. She decided to have an abortion, and when she went to the hospital for the procedure, she was informed that the baby was already without a heartbeat, and she ended up having a stillbirth. Because I worked in reproductive health policy at the time, the couple turned to me to ask questions about abortion, where to get one, how to handle the stillbirth, whether they should see the baby after birth, etc. The whole situation was heartbreaking.

More than 2 decades later, I came to find out that my partner, father of my child, also had herpes and actively hid the infection from me. I won't get into how I found out. He tried to convince me of what many are saying on this thread -- "it's only oral herpes, everyone has that and it's not dangerous". Except his oral herpes can be transmitted to my genitals through oral sex, so IMO he should have disclosed to me and let me make my own decision about whether to continue to have sex with him. He also tried to say he had it before we met, and it wasn't through any cheating, but that, OFC, turned out to be false.

TBH, I was never able to get past the lies. Sex with him started to feel very rapey to me - he was not giving me full informed consent to our sex. He lied about the herpes deliberately because he was afraid I would make a choice he didn't like, so he chose to control the information I had so that I would continue to sleep with him. I had no idea what was going on and exposed myself and a child (because I was pregnant after he knew he had herpes but before I knew he had herpes). Having had my family experience with pregnancy and herpes, I just could not accept the level of risk he was willing to place on me without my knowledge.

I asked him to move out. I kept full custody of our 2 children, who were only toddlers at the time, and he had visitation. Was it hard? Frightfully, but staying and raising children with a partner who was fundamentally a danger to me and the kids would have been way worse. The kind of person who would be so reckless and manipulative, also presented similar character problems as our children grew into adults. I was never going to be able to change him into the kind of person who would care about others, protect them and do the thing that would be hard for him but better for others.

There is not a day I have looked back and wished I stayed with him. I only wish I had left immediately, instead of taking a year to try and hear his side of the story (a story that he gaslight and trickle-truther about), get couples therapy, etc.

OFC, YMMV. What you decide to do is your choice.

I just wanted to share that it is OK to take this situation seriously and to end a relationship over it. I chose safety for myself, and that is OK.

Thank you for sharing your story. I hope it's helpful for OP, especially on this thread with so many people trying to play off these lies and deceit as normal or okay.

Except this story in no way is similar to OP's. Not in the least.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm very sorry you are going thru this. Unfortunately, I have a family member who went through something similar (i.e. a partner who had herpes) and I myself ended up with someone who had undisclosed herpes.

My view of this through my family member's experience shaped my own decision years later. My family member was pregnant, her husband had herpes. I don't know what the discussion was about that - whether he disclosed - prior to pregnancy, but I do know that she discovered that her baby was anencephalic (meaning developed without a brain) in the 8th month, as a consequence of herpes infection during pregnancy. She went through the trauma of deciding whether to have an abortion or birth the baby, the latter of which also involved thinking about whether the baby would be provided life saving supports like intubation, resuscitation, etc. if necessary. She decided to have an abortion, and when she went to the hospital for the procedure, she was informed that the baby was already without a heartbeat, and she ended up having a stillbirth. Because I worked in reproductive health policy at the time, the couple turned to me to ask questions about abortion, where to get one, how to handle the stillbirth, whether they should see the baby after birth, etc. The whole situation was heartbreaking.

More than 2 decades later, I came to find out that my partner, father of my child, also had herpes and actively hid the infection from me. I won't get into how I found out. He tried to convince me of what many are saying on this thread -- "it's only oral herpes, everyone has that and it's not dangerous". Except his oral herpes can be transmitted to my genitals through oral sex, so IMO he should have disclosed to me and let me make my own decision about whether to continue to have sex with him. He also tried to say he had it before we met, and it wasn't through any cheating, but that, OFC, turned out to be false.

TBH, I was never able to get past the lies. Sex with him started to feel very rapey to me - he was not giving me full informed consent to our sex. He lied about the herpes deliberately because he was afraid I would make a choice he didn't like, so he chose to control the information I had so that I would continue to sleep with him. I had no idea what was going on and exposed myself and a child (because I was pregnant after he knew he had herpes but before I knew he had herpes). Having had my family experience with pregnancy and herpes, I just could not accept the level of risk he was willing to place on me without my knowledge.

I asked him to move out. I kept full custody of our 2 children, who were only toddlers at the time, and he had visitation. Was it hard? Frightfully, but staying and raising children with a partner who was fundamentally a danger to me and the kids would have been way worse. The kind of person who would be so reckless and manipulative, also presented similar character problems as our children grew into adults. I was never going to be able to change him into the kind of person who would care about others, protect them and do the thing that would be hard for him but better for others.

There is not a day I have looked back and wished I stayed with him. I only wish I had left immediately, instead of taking a year to try and hear his side of the story (a story that he gaslight and trickle-truther about), get couples therapy, etc.

OFC, YMMV. What you decide to do is your choice.

I just wanted to share that it is OK to take this situation seriously and to end a relationship over it. I chose safety for myself, and that is OK.

Omg you are insane. You divorced your husband and took the kids because he gets COLD SORES? Also I am sorry about your sister but I don’t think there is any way to prove herpes caused that birth defect. And not sure how you got full custody but that is not happening these days unless something else is going on.

She left because he sexually assaulted her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm very sorry you are going thru this. Unfortunately, I have a family member who went through something similar (i.e. a partner who had herpes) and I myself ended up with someone who had undisclosed herpes.

My view of this through my family member's experience shaped my own decision years later. My family member was pregnant, her husband had herpes. I don't know what the discussion was about that - whether he disclosed - prior to pregnancy, but I do know that she discovered that her baby was anencephalic (meaning developed without a brain) in the 8th month, as a consequence of herpes infection during pregnancy. She went through the trauma of deciding whether to have an abortion or birth the baby, the latter of which also involved thinking about whether the baby would be provided life saving supports like intubation, resuscitation, etc. if necessary. She decided to have an abortion, and when she went to the hospital for the procedure, she was informed that the baby was already without a heartbeat, and she ended up having a stillbirth. Because I worked in reproductive health policy at the time, the couple turned to me to ask questions about abortion, where to get one, how to handle the stillbirth, whether they should see the baby after birth, etc. The whole situation was heartbreaking.

More than 2 decades later, I came to find out that my partner, father of my child, also had herpes and actively hid the infection from me. I won't get into how I found out. He tried to convince me of what many are saying on this thread -- "it's only oral herpes, everyone has that and it's not dangerous". Except his oral herpes can be transmitted to my genitals through oral sex, so IMO he should have disclosed to me and let me make my own decision about whether to continue to have sex with him. He also tried to say he had it before we met, and it wasn't through any cheating, but that, OFC, turned out to be false.

TBH, I was never able to get past the lies. Sex with him started to feel very rapey to me - he was not giving me full informed consent to our sex. He lied about the herpes deliberately because he was afraid I would make a choice he didn't like, so he chose to control the information I had so that I would continue to sleep with him. I had no idea what was going on and exposed myself and a child (because I was pregnant after he knew he had herpes but before I knew he had herpes). Having had my family experience with pregnancy and herpes, I just could not accept the level of risk he was willing to place on me without my knowledge.

I asked him to move out. I kept full custody of our 2 children, who were only toddlers at the time, and he had visitation. Was it hard? Frightfully, but staying and raising children with a partner who was fundamentally a danger to me and the kids would have been way worse. The kind of person who would be so reckless and manipulative, also presented similar character problems as our children grew into adults. I was never going to be able to change him into the kind of person who would care about others, protect them and do the thing that would be hard for him but better for others.

There is not a day I have looked back and wished I stayed with him. I only wish I had left immediately, instead of taking a year to try and hear his side of the story (a story that he gaslight and trickle-truther about), get couples therapy, etc.

OFC, YMMV. What you decide to do is your choice.

I just wanted to share that it is OK to take this situation seriously and to end a relationship over it. I chose safety for myself, and that is OK.

Thank you for sharing your story. I hope it's helpful for OP, especially on this thread with so many people trying to play off these lies and deceit as normal or okay.

Except this story in no way is similar to OP's. Not in the least.

How so?
-Dude knew he had herpes - check
-Dude lied to partner about it - check
-Dude impregnated said partner - check

OP should do the same, and peace out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - can he just be freaking out about a test that revealed an old infection ? Many people may not realize they have it. It’s a stressful time for both of you

He could be freaking out just as much as you do

He sent this last night:

“I did not cheat on you, I never have. I checked when I got home again because I didn't have the test results in front of me when I was telling you.

The last two tests that I have showing a positive test were in April 2022 which makes sense because I requested an STD panel after my divorce. And the most recent one was in January 2025. Even my 2022 results, My doctor said that I was "exposed" to an STD but there was no further follow-up because I had no symptoms and there was no back and forth on it. And even this wasn't verbal, this is me interpreting the the labs after the fact.

Then I was tested when I was in DC with you last year, I just did a general annual checkup. I did not request a herpes test. I have been going to the same doctor for 10 years in this HSV-2 panel was only on two of my screens. Again my doctor did not say anything to me about the results. I look more into my own health results as an as an entirety once I found out you were pregnant.”

He got divorced about 4 years ago…

That sounds fully credible OP. Up to you if you want to tank the relationship or not. Since you aren’t married and he is divorced, my guess is that this relationship was never going to go the distance anyway. I suggest just breaking up and working on a custody agreement. Easier on everyone.

Divorced people can’t get remarried and it work out?

I think a well-educated divorced man who hasn’t actually married his pregnant girlfriend by 20 weeks is probably not really that into the whole deal. Maybe he would have married her eventually but sounds like he is not really that enthusiastic.

Op here,

We got engaged in December. Our babymoon is (was supposed to be) next month - a few days in Miami then finishing the trip in PR. We planned on getting married on the beach, just the two of us. Then have a wedding with family and friends June 2027.

Have you started cancelling this stuff and rescheduling your flight for something else?

Luckily, I didn’t pay for anything. I plan on taking a trip with my girlfriends but I haven’t said or done anything yet. Needed time to wrap my head around things and get through my appointment first.

OP you need to come down to earth. Are you prepared to see your baby only 50% of the time? Because 50-50 custody is the norm, and no, a judge will not give you sole custody because you are breastfeeding or you are over-reacting to this.

I suggest you go to family therapy with your fiance to better understand what happened. While I would certainly be upset if I were you, unless there were other big issues, there is no way I would walk out on my baby’s father just for this. You truly are having a very intense reaction that many people would not have, and you need to wrap your head around that. There is more than one way to see this situation.

Thank you. I don’t think I’m overreacting at all, and I think a lot of people would have this reaction, especially a pregnant woman. You were willing to put my health, but more importantly our baby’s health at risk because you’re too much of a coward? If I hadn’t pressed that night when was he going to tell me? It wasn’t when he proposed, it wasn’t when he found out I was pregnant- so no major life event did it, so when? I just can’t wrap my mind around that. Then there’s the added layer of what else are you hiding? Along with a ton of resentment. He broke my trust in a major way. You can’t be with someone you don’t trust.

I don’t mind going to therapy for the sake of our baby, even if it’s just for coparenting but as of right now that’s all I can see for us. Maybe cooler heads will prevail because I definitely see what you’re saying. Maybe I’ll feel differently when the baby is actually here.

You ARE reacting a lot more intensely than other people would. That is the point. You feel how you feel but it is not the only possible option here. You are being very dramatic and it is not clear that it is warranted. He told you the truth but just not on the timeline you wanted.

Again if you want to lose custody of your baby 50% of the time because you prefer to play the victim instead of working things out, go ahead.

PP you are the epitome of the low standards accepting woman on this site that then comes whining about how terrible their life is. Stop trying to bring others down to your level.

I don't understand the mentality of "well he's a shit partner, but it could be worse!" Like yikes, please have some standards and self esteem.

Except- he isn't a sh!++ partner. All of you are inserting motivations that are simply not there. And this is from actual text of the OP who has explained what happened. You are dragging your own baggage in here.

[Anonymous]

OP, you do not get tested for herpes II unless you have a sore. It does not come in a full panel sti test because of all the false positives. About 1 in 5 people have it confirmed, and even more have it that don't know. Like literally a quarter of the nation has it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm very sorry you are going thru this. Unfortunately, I have a family member who went through something similar (i.e. a partner who had herpes) and I myself ended up with someone who had undisclosed herpes.

My view of this through my family member's experience shaped my own decision years later. My family member was pregnant, her husband had herpes. I don't know what the discussion was about that - whether he disclosed - prior to pregnancy, but I do know that she discovered that her baby was anencephalic (meaning developed without a brain) in the 8th month, as a consequence of herpes infection during pregnancy. She went through the trauma of deciding whether to have an abortion or birth the baby, the latter of which also involved thinking about whether the baby would be provided life saving supports like intubation, resuscitation, etc. if necessary. She decided to have an abortion, and when she went to the hospital for the procedure, she was informed that the baby was already without a heartbeat, and she ended up having a stillbirth. Because I worked in reproductive health policy at the time, the couple turned to me to ask questions about abortion, where to get one, how to handle the stillbirth, whether they should see the baby after birth, etc. The whole situation was heartbreaking.

More than 2 decades later, I came to find out that my partner, father of my child, also had herpes and actively hid the infection from me. I won't get into how I found out. He tried to convince me of what many are saying on this thread -- "it's only oral herpes, everyone has that and it's not dangerous". Except his oral herpes can be transmitted to my genitals through oral sex, so IMO he should have disclosed to me and let me make my own decision about whether to continue to have sex with him. He also tried to say he had it before we met, and it wasn't through any cheating, but that, OFC, turned out to be false.

TBH, I was never able to get past the lies. Sex with him started to feel very rapey to me - he was not giving me full informed consent to our sex. He lied about the herpes deliberately because he was afraid I would make a choice he didn't like, so he chose to control the information I had so that I would continue to sleep with him. I had no idea what was going on and exposed myself and a child (because I was pregnant after he knew he had herpes but before I knew he had herpes). Having had my family experience with pregnancy and herpes, I just could not accept the level of risk he was willing to place on me without my knowledge.

I asked him to move out. I kept full custody of our 2 children, who were only toddlers at the time, and he had visitation. Was it hard? Frightfully, but staying and raising children with a partner who was fundamentally a danger to me and the kids would have been way worse. The kind of person who would be so reckless and manipulative, also presented similar character problems as our children grew into adults. I was never going to be able to change him into the kind of person who would care about others, protect them and do the thing that would be hard for him but better for others.

There is not a day I have looked back and wished I stayed with him. I only wish I had left immediately, instead of taking a year to try and hear his side of the story (a story that he gaslight and trickle-truther about), get couples therapy, etc.

OFC, YMMV. What you decide to do is your choice.

I just wanted to share that it is OK to take this situation seriously and to end a relationship over it. I chose safety for myself, and that is OK.

Omg you are insane. You divorced your husband and took the kids because he gets COLD SORES? Also I am sorry about your sister but I don’t think there is any way to prove herpes caused that birth defect. And not sure how you got full custody but that is not happening these days unless something else is going on.

This,,because no one here understands herpes at all.
Yes, it is a cold sore. 75% of people have this. This PP has bigger problems now. No one hid anything and this is the dumbest thing I've read today. People destroy their own lives in odd ways.

However, yes, no one , and I mean one should kiss your baby. A cold sore is a virus and infants have low immunity and can't handle this very common virus. My mother had cold sores and even knew this.
Birth defect- very rare and there's ways to prevent anything at birth. Millions of women have herpes 1 and 2 and give birth everyday. It's a nothing burger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - can he just be freaking out about a test that revealed an old infection ? Many people may not realize they have it. It’s a stressful time for both of you

He could be freaking out just as much as you do

He sent this last night:

“I did not cheat on you, I never have. I checked when I got home again because I didn't have the test results in front of me when I was telling you.

The last two tests that I have showing a positive test were in April 2022 which makes sense because I requested an STD panel after my divorce. And the most recent one was in January 2025. Even my 2022 results, My doctor said that I was "exposed" to an STD but there was no further follow-up because I had no symptoms and there was no back and forth on it. And even this wasn't verbal, this is me interpreting the the labs after the fact.

Then I was tested when I was in DC with you last year, I just did a general annual checkup. I did not request a herpes test. I have been going to the same doctor for 10 years in this HSV-2 panel was only on two of my screens. Again my doctor did not say anything to me about the results. I look more into my own health results as an as an entirety once I found out you were pregnant.”

He got divorced about 4 years ago…

That sounds fully credible OP. Up to you if you want to tank the relationship or not. Since you aren’t married and he is divorced, my guess is that this relationship was never going to go the distance anyway. I suggest just breaking up and working on a custody agreement. Easier on everyone.

Divorced people can’t get remarried and it work out?

I think a well-educated divorced man who hasn’t actually married his pregnant girlfriend by 20 weeks is probably not really that into the whole deal. Maybe he would have married her eventually but sounds like he is not really that enthusiastic.

Op here,

We got engaged in December. Our babymoon is (was supposed to be) next month - a few days in Miami then finishing the trip in PR. We planned on getting married on the beach, just the two of us. Then have a wedding with family and friends June 2027.

Have you started cancelling this stuff and rescheduling your flight for something else?

Luckily, I didn’t pay for anything. I plan on taking a trip with my girlfriends but I haven’t said or done anything yet. Needed time to wrap my head around things and get through my appointment first.

OP you need to come down to earth. Are you prepared to see your baby only 50% of the time? Because 50-50 custody is the norm, and no, a judge will not give you sole custody because you are breastfeeding or you are over-reacting to this.

I suggest you go to family therapy with your fiance to better understand what happened. While I would certainly be upset if I were you, unless there were other big issues, there is no way I would walk out on my baby’s father just for this. You truly are having a very intense reaction that many people would not have, and you need to wrap your head around that. There is more than one way to see this situation.

Thank you. I don’t think I’m overreacting at all, and I think a lot of people would have this reaction, especially a pregnant woman. You were willing to put my health, but more importantly our baby’s health at risk because you’re too much of a coward? If I hadn’t pressed that night when was he going to tell me? It wasn’t when he proposed, it wasn’t when he found out I was pregnant- so no major life event did it, so when? I just can’t wrap my mind around that. Then there’s the added layer of what else are you hiding? Along with a ton of resentment. He broke my trust in a major way. You can’t be with someone you don’t trust.

I don’t mind going to therapy for the sake of our baby, even if it’s just for coparenting but as of right now that’s all I can see for us. Maybe cooler heads will prevail because I definitely see what you’re saying. Maybe I’ll feel differently when the baby is actually here.

You ARE reacting a lot more intensely than other people would. That is the point. You feel how you feel but it is not the only possible option here. You are being very dramatic and it is not clear that it is warranted. He told you the truth but just not on the timeline you wanted.

Again if you want to lose custody of your baby 50% of the time because you prefer to play the victim instead of working things out, go ahead.

PP you are the epitome of the low standards accepting woman on this site that then comes whining about how terrible their life is. Stop trying to bring others down to your level.

I don't understand the mentality of "well he's a shit partner, but it could be worse!" Like yikes, please have some standards and self esteem.

Except- he isn't a sh!++ partner. All of you are inserting motivations that are simply not there. And this is from actual text of the OP who has explained what happened. You are dragging your own baggage in here.

He's the definition of a shit partner. He lied to her for years, infected her with an std and is risking her childs life. You have subterranean standards if you hear all that and think "wow, I wish I had a guy like him". Lol what a terrible life someone must have to think THIS is good. Please reflect on your choices, because htis is not normal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm very sorry you are going thru this. Unfortunately, I have a family member who went through something similar (i.e. a partner who had herpes) and I myself ended up with someone who had undisclosed herpes.

My view of this through my family member's experience shaped my own decision years later. My family member was pregnant, her husband had herpes. I don't know what the discussion was about that - whether he disclosed - prior to pregnancy, but I do know that she discovered that her baby was anencephalic (meaning developed without a brain) in the 8th month, as a consequence of herpes infection during pregnancy. She went through the trauma of deciding whether to have an abortion or birth the baby, the latter of which also involved thinking about whether the baby would be provided life saving supports like intubation, resuscitation, etc. if necessary. She decided to have an abortion, and when she went to the hospital for the procedure, she was informed that the baby was already without a heartbeat, and she ended up having a stillbirth. Because I worked in reproductive health policy at the time, the couple turned to me to ask questions about abortion, where to get one, how to handle the stillbirth, whether they should see the baby after birth, etc. The whole situation was heartbreaking.

More than 2 decades later, I came to find out that my partner, father of my child, also had herpes and actively hid the infection from me. I won't get into how I found out. He tried to convince me of what many are saying on this thread -- "it's only oral herpes, everyone has that and it's not dangerous". Except his oral herpes can be transmitted to my genitals through oral sex, so IMO he should have disclosed to me and let me make my own decision about whether to continue to have sex with him. He also tried to say he had it before we met, and it wasn't through any cheating, but that, OFC, turned out to be false.

TBH, I was never able to get past the lies. Sex with him started to feel very rapey to me - he was not giving me full informed consent to our sex. He lied about the herpes deliberately because he was afraid I would make a choice he didn't like, so he chose to control the information I had so that I would continue to sleep with him. I had no idea what was going on and exposed myself and a child (because I was pregnant after he knew he had herpes but before I knew he had herpes). Having had my family experience with pregnancy and herpes, I just could not accept the level of risk he was willing to place on me without my knowledge.

I asked him to move out. I kept full custody of our 2 children, who were only toddlers at the time, and he had visitation. Was it hard? Frightfully, but staying and raising children with a partner who was fundamentally a danger to me and the kids would have been way worse. The kind of person who would be so reckless and manipulative, also presented similar character problems as our children grew into adults. I was never going to be able to change him into the kind of person who would care about others, protect them and do the thing that would be hard for him but better for others.

There is not a day I have looked back and wished I stayed with him. I only wish I had left immediately, instead of taking a year to try and hear his side of the story (a story that he gaslight and trickle-truther about), get couples therapy, etc.

OFC, YMMV. What you decide to do is your choice.

I just wanted to share that it is OK to take this situation seriously and to end a relationship over it. I chose safety for myself, and that is OK.

Thank you for sharing your story. I hope it's helpful for OP, especially on this thread with so many people trying to play off these lies and deceit as normal or okay.

Except this story in no way is similar to OP's. Not in the least.

How so?
-Dude knew he had herpes - check
-Dude lied to partner about it - check
-Dude impregnated said partner - check

OP should do the same, and peace out.

Nope
Dude did know and didn't understand.
Dude didn't lie, he actually told her about it. He did it 4 months after because he freaked out, but he came clean and it was because of baby.
Dude did not impregnate her while knowing. That is your assumption still, even though OP fully explained his trajectory. You just don't believe it while not knowing either of these characters.

OP- never tested herself, who knows, she may also have it.
OP- never asked him to be tested
Op- procreates with him not knowing if either should be doing that right now.
Op- agrees to marry the guy.

Right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - can he just be freaking out about a test that revealed an old infection ? Many people may not realize they have it. It’s a stressful time for both of you

He could be freaking out just as much as you do

He sent this last night:

“I did not cheat on you, I never have. I checked when I got home again because I didn't have the test results in front of me when I was telling you.

The last two tests that I have showing a positive test were in April 2022 which makes sense because I requested an STD panel after my divorce. And the most recent one was in January 2025. Even my 2022 results, My doctor said that I was "exposed" to an STD but there was no further follow-up because I had no symptoms and there was no back and forth on it. And even this wasn't verbal, this is me interpreting the the labs after the fact.

Then I was tested when I was in DC with you last year, I just did a general annual checkup. I did not request a herpes test. I have been going to the same doctor for 10 years in this HSV-2 panel was only on two of my screens. Again my doctor did not say anything to me about the results. I look more into my own health results as an as an entirety once I found out you were pregnant.”

He got divorced about 4 years ago…

That sounds fully credible OP. Up to you if you want to tank the relationship or not. Since you aren’t married and he is divorced, my guess is that this relationship was never going to go the distance anyway. I suggest just breaking up and working on a custody agreement. Easier on everyone.

Divorced people can’t get remarried and it work out?

I think a well-educated divorced man who hasn’t actually married his pregnant girlfriend by 20 weeks is probably not really that into the whole deal. Maybe he would have married her eventually but sounds like he is not really that enthusiastic.

Op here,

We got engaged in December. Our babymoon is (was supposed to be) next month - a few days in Miami then finishing the trip in PR. We planned on getting married on the beach, just the two of us. Then have a wedding with family and friends June 2027.

Have you started cancelling this stuff and rescheduling your flight for something else?

Luckily, I didn’t pay for anything. I plan on taking a trip with my girlfriends but I haven’t said or done anything yet. Needed time to wrap my head around things and get through my appointment first.

OP you need to come down to earth. Are you prepared to see your baby only 50% of the time? Because 50-50 custody is the norm, and no, a judge will not give you sole custody because you are breastfeeding or you are over-reacting to this.

I suggest you go to family therapy with your fiance to better understand what happened. While I would certainly be upset if I were you, unless there were other big issues, there is no way I would walk out on my baby’s father just for this. You truly are having a very intense reaction that many people would not have, and you need to wrap your head around that. There is more than one way to see this situation.

Thank you. I don’t think I’m overreacting at all, and I think a lot of people would have this reaction, especially a pregnant woman. You were willing to put my health, but more importantly our baby’s health at risk because you’re too much of a coward? If I hadn’t pressed that night when was he going to tell me? It wasn’t when he proposed, it wasn’t when he found out I was pregnant- so no major life event did it, so when? I just can’t wrap my mind around that. Then there’s the added layer of what else are you hiding? Along with a ton of resentment. He broke my trust in a major way. You can’t be with someone you don’t trust.

I don’t mind going to therapy for the sake of our baby, even if it’s just for coparenting but as of right now that’s all I can see for us. Maybe cooler heads will prevail because I definitely see what you’re saying. Maybe I’ll feel differently when the baby is actually here.

You ARE reacting a lot more intensely than other people would. That is the point. You feel how you feel but it is not the only possible option here. You are being very dramatic and it is not clear that it is warranted. He told you the truth but just not on the timeline you wanted.

Again if you want to lose custody of your baby 50% of the time because you prefer to play the victim instead of working things out, go ahead.

PP you are the epitome of the low standards accepting woman on this site that then comes whining about how terrible their life is. Stop trying to bring others down to your level.

I don't understand the mentality of "well he's a shit partner, but it could be worse!" Like yikes, please have some standards and self esteem.

Except- he isn't a sh!++ partner. All of you are inserting motivations that are simply not there. And this is from actual text of the OP who has explained what happened. You are dragging your own baggage in here.

I'm not dragging my own baggage anywhere, because I've never had a man lie about his STD status and try to infect me and my baby! The fact you think defending OP against such assertions is "baggage" is incredibly concerning!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm very sorry you are going thru this. Unfortunately, I have a family member who went through something similar (i.e. a partner who had herpes) and I myself ended up with someone who had undisclosed herpes.

My view of this through my family member's experience shaped my own decision years later. My family member was pregnant, her husband had herpes. I don't know what the discussion was about that - whether he disclosed - prior to pregnancy, but I do know that she discovered that her baby was anencephalic (meaning developed without a brain) in the 8th month, as a consequence of herpes infection during pregnancy. She went through the trauma of deciding whether to have an abortion or birth the baby, the latter of which also involved thinking about whether the baby would be provided life saving supports like intubation, resuscitation, etc. if necessary. She decided to have an abortion, and when she went to the hospital for the procedure, she was informed that the baby was already without a heartbeat, and she ended up having a stillbirth. Because I worked in reproductive health policy at the time, the couple turned to me to ask questions about abortion, where to get one, how to handle the stillbirth, whether they should see the baby after birth, etc. The whole situation was heartbreaking.

More than 2 decades later, I came to find out that my partner, father of my child, also had herpes and actively hid the infection from me. I won't get into how I found out. He tried to convince me of what many are saying on this thread -- "it's only oral herpes, everyone has that and it's not dangerous". Except his oral herpes can be transmitted to my genitals through oral sex, so IMO he should have disclosed to me and let me make my own decision about whether to continue to have sex with him. He also tried to say he had it before we met, and it wasn't through any cheating, but that, OFC, turned out to be false.

TBH, I was never able to get past the lies. Sex with him started to feel very rapey to me - he was not giving me full informed consent to our sex. He lied about the herpes deliberately because he was afraid I would make a choice he didn't like, so he chose to control the information I had so that I would continue to sleep with him. I had no idea what was going on and exposed myself and a child (because I was pregnant after he knew he had herpes but before I knew he had herpes). Having had my family experience with pregnancy and herpes, I just could not accept the level of risk he was willing to place on me without my knowledge.

I asked him to move out. I kept full custody of our 2 children, who were only toddlers at the time, and he had visitation. Was it hard? Frightfully, but staying and raising children with a partner who was fundamentally a danger to me and the kids would have been way worse. The kind of person who would be so reckless and manipulative, also presented similar character problems as our children grew into adults. I was never going to be able to change him into the kind of person who would care about others, protect them and do the thing that would be hard for him but better for others.

There is not a day I have looked back and wished I stayed with him. I only wish I had left immediately, instead of taking a year to try and hear his side of the story (a story that he gaslight and trickle-truther about), get couples therapy, etc.

OFC, YMMV. What you decide to do is your choice.

I just wanted to share that it is OK to take this situation seriously and to end a relationship over it. I chose safety for myself, and that is OK.

Thank you for sharing your story. I hope it's helpful for OP, especially on this thread with so many people trying to play off these lies and deceit as normal or okay.

Except this story in no way is similar to OP's. Not in the least.

How so?
-Dude knew he had herpes - check
-Dude lied to partner about it - check
-Dude impregnated said partner - check

OP should do the same, and peace out.

Nope
Dude did know and didn't understand.
Dude didn't lie, he actually told her about it. He did it 4 months after because he freaked out, but he came clean and it was because of baby.
Dude did not impregnate her while knowing. That is your assumption still, even though OP fully explained his trajectory. You just don't believe it while not knowing either of these characters.

OP- never tested herself, who knows, she may also have it.
OP- never asked him to be tested
Op- procreates with him not knowing if either should be doing that right now.
Op- agrees to marry the guy.

Right.

You're so gross. He knew years ago. Feigning ignorance now is not cute. "Coming clean" implies lying, so yes, he did lie.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really want OP to explain what she thinks she is going to do wrt child custody. based on the tenor of her responses I have no doubt she is gearing up to make some lawyers very rich as she tries to get full custody.

She would be stupid to do this. He has Herpes-absolutely nothing to do with how good of a father he will be. Default is always 50/50- and there has to be extremely serious reasons not to get that. Herpes isn’t one of them obviously.

Yeah, liars who sexually assault women are notoriously great fathers. GFY.

He is neither. Grow up.

Per the law he’s actually both! She’s entitled to damages. He should pay up for being such a f{}##ing nasty ass loser.

You watch too much Netflix. No, he isn't liable, is not an abuser, not an assaulter, and there will be no damages. She can send a lot of money only to be laughed out of a courtroom. Nothing of the sort is happening here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The nonchalant attitude so many of you have towards a highly infectious permanent condition that requires some folks to take daily medication to manage is kind of insane.

I am truly confused how some of you seem to think this is just no big deal at all. If someone gave me genital herpes because they decided their previous (not 1 but 2) positive results were unimportant would be infuriating to me. There is no way I would stay with such a person. Like How frekan dare you.

The nonchalant attitude the rest of you have about encouraging OP to kick her baby daddy to the curb before her baby even enters the world is equally insane

Agree. They think somehow OP will be a winner in this zero sum game. But- these posters don't have to live her upcoming life.
Ha! What does she win? Let's see:
1. She leaves a guy who loves her. And it's clear he does. Mistakes were made, but he loves her and the baby.

2. She will have a baby that she will have only partial custody of.

3. Boyfriend will immediately move on and there will be step mom, there absolutely will, right in the inception of this baby's life, so, yes, she is Mom, too.

4. OP will have zero, and I mean ZERO control over what happens when she drops off this 3 month old, 3 years old, 10 year old, 16 year old kid to him. All medical decisions will have to go through him. School, church, even scouts.

5. OP will not necessarily move on. She's a single mom now of an infant, toddler, kid, teenager. And we all know how that plays out on Tinder. Plus, her backstory will be that she left him as he had herpes- she will likely test positive at some point, because that will always be a possibility- added bonus points on the dating scene there, right?

6. She will be in court for the next 22 years working out child support , custody, college, because raising a kid in her own will be more $$ than she ever thought it will be. And she will always have to deal with Mom # 2- you know, the one who didn't care about the herpes at all, and married the Dad because he wants to have a family. Millions of people have herpes. Millions.
Meanwhile, she will start off broke because getting a lawyer over this will be very expensive...and they aren't even married. She thinks she will have some legal upper hand with money or custody over this herpes disclosure, and I am here to say, no- she will have nothing. It's not a deal breaker in court at all.

7. Boyfriend will have more kids with new wife, and that will be baby's family. Those kids will be siblings.
8. She will never be able to move away from the area, and Daddy (and step mom) will have requests and opinions that she doesn't like ..everything from school to camp to sports to clothes, vacations, friends. All out of OP's control now. But most woman assume they are in control, and are shocked to find out how quickly they have no control over their kid really. It'a staggeringly depressing and really frightening, so let's add the declining mental state to her list of developments.

She will have not won anything. She's angry now, but let's assume after this revelation she will have counseling and make an appropriate decision.


Don't dive into the gene pool without a life guard, people.

Lady, work on your self esteem and develop self respect.

I have plenty of both, and much more experience than most people here about this. Try to look at this situation without your personal lens. It isn't helpful. OP is all about anger and reaction right now, and I can assure you that you do not have all the facts, and that OP is assuming a lot that doesn't add up. She loved him up until the night he told her, and enough to procreate with him, so, no, this isn't a liar and abuser situation. It's a problem that needs resolve, and my point is if she leaves him, and she might, she still will never be able to leave him. He will still be there, and so will lots of other people inserted into this fiasco. If she's looking at deal breakers, the future will definitely trump this. If there are other reasons to end this, sure! But if it's this, she needs to take a beat and get off social media. This is childish.

You sound like a lonely desperate pick me. Women no longer need to settle for the garbage crumbs some men offer. Your denial of reality is not OPs problem.

No women should settle for men that abuse them. I’m sorry you think otherwise, but you’re wrong. OP deserves better, as does every woman alive. No one deserves to be treated like this. None. Zero.

Sorry that you've been hurt. Get counseling and stay off social media as you are too impaired to make judgements. Get a grip. You are absolutely and completely inserting information that is not there.