How do I move on from a relationship that had no closure?

[Anonymous]

I was involved in a very intense four month relationship that ended rather abruptly. The guy I was dating suddenly decided that he no longer wanted to see me or be friends. Our relationship started off as friends and I considered him quite a good friend. Months have passed and we've had no contact, however, I cannot get him out of my mind. I guess I knew deep down that we were never destined for a long term relationship but I did everything I could to make him like me and want to be with me. I have been on many dates and there is no one I have met that I had a connection like I had with him.

I am trying so hard to let him go but it is hard because ultimately I don't know what I did to make him not even want to be my friend. Contacting him is out of the question. How can I move on when I have no closure?

[Anonymous]

I've been in your shoes. Several times. And it hurts. It's a blow to your self esteem. But a man who does this...just disappears...has shown he doesn't really have moral strength, at least not in romantic relationships. He wouldn't have been strong long-term, either. Try to see it as dodging a bullet.

[Anonymous]

Change your attitude. Do you really want a partner who would treat you like this? A big part of a good partnership is communication and frankly, your former significant other just decided unilaterally not to be a couple without communicating with you about what was going on. Would you want to be in a long-term relationship with him and have him make some unilateral decisions and not even tell you. How would you feel if you were with him for four or five years and suddenly without telling you, he decides that he is going to visit his family without you for a major holiday that you've always spent together? That's the type of behavior that he's exhibited here in the way he treated you. You deserve better. Unless you've done something major wrong (and sometimes even if you have), any partner deserves better.

So you move on by reconciling yourself to the fact that if he wasn't going to treat you well, that you dodged a bullet and that you were fortunate not to waste any more of your life on a partner who didn't treat you with the respect you deserve.

Good luck. I hope things get better for you.

[Anonymous]

I found a bit of time really helped bring perspective. Eventually I was able to see how incompatible we were and as I dove into new interests, took a break from the unproductive dating, I found a different side of myself and was eventually able to hone in on what I really wanted and I found that right guy. The few dates I tried to have in between were just a waste of time. When I took a break, I was able to regroup and jump back in with my head on my shoulders.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I found a bit of time really helped bring perspective. Eventually I was able to see how incompatible we were and as I dove into new interests, took a break from the unproductive dating, I found a different side of myself and was eventually able to hone in on what I really wanted and I found that right guy. The few dates I tried to have in between were just a waste of time. When I took a break, I was able to regroup and jump back in with my head on my shoulders.

LOL. I had something similar happen 15 years ago and I still wish I could find out what happened. I am so glad that we're not together now, but the lack of closure is tough. I've never experienced that with any other relationship so it sticks out in my mind. Sigh.

[Anonymous]

Maybe I'm alone in this, but I think closure is something you give yourself, except in cases of say, crime/finding a missing person. I also think people confuse having closure with being over someone.

Unless it's something concrete like - "you don't want kids and I do" even when breakups do have answers, they are rarely satisfactory to the party that doesn't want to break up. "I just don't feel like this has long-term potential" leads to questions the dumper can't often answer about why they don't feel that way, etc. It usually isn't anything the dumper can explain or articulate well - they don't know why they might feel the way they do - everything could be great on paper - but they just don't feel that way.

I think closure is what you give yourself when you acknowledge that you tried your hardest (as it sounds like OP did) and it still didn't work out, and you give yourself permission to move on.

The fact that you haven't met anyone who you feel the same way about doesn't mean you don't have closure, it just means that either a) you haven't met someone you have that connection with yet or b) you aren't over the last person or c) both.

[Anonymous]

Write him a letter, put it in an envelope and then put that in a drawer. That's your closure. You can then move on knowing you've said everything you need to say on the matter. You don't need anything more from him.

[Anonymous]

Very few relationships, I'm going to say no relationships really, have closure. There is no ideal parting. Had you stayed friends, you would have been in a state of frustration and wonderment about what didn't work out and why you were not a satisfactory life partner.

[Cassiopeia]

"I did everything I could to make him like me"

You shouldn't have to do anything to make someone like you. They should like you the way you are. This guy left because he didn't want a relationship with you. That's okay and not something you should feel bad about. You don't have to be everything to everyone.

Closure is being okay with this relationship ending. The fact that you felt you had to change yourself for him should make you okay with it ending. Lots of guys out there are looking for someone exactly like you, just the way you are, no "making him" necessary. You just have to find them. Focus on being yourself, authentically you, and liking that person. Then you'll be ready for another relationship. Don't look for one until you're ready.

In the meantime, give some thought to what you want in a man. Not an exhaustive white knight laundry list, but a few simple and basic qualities you would like him to have. Turn the focus back on you and what you need, rather than this guy and why he left. Ultimately you are more important.

[Anonymous]

Cassiopeia wrote:"I did everything I could to make him like me"

You shouldn't have to do anything to make someone like you. They should like you the way you are. This guy left because he didn't want a relationship with you. That's okay and not something you should feel bad about. You don't have to be everything to everyone.

Closure is being okay with this relationship ending. The fact that you felt you had to change yourself for him should make you okay with it ending. Lots of guys out there are looking for someone exactly like you, just the way you are, no "making him" necessary. You just have to find them. Focus on being yourself, authentically you, and liking that person. Then you'll be ready for another relationship. Don't look for one until you're ready.

In the meantime, give some thought to what you want in a man. Not an exhaustive white knight laundry list, but a few simple and basic qualities you would like him to have. Turn the focus back on you and what you need, rather than this guy and why he left. Ultimately you are more important.

+1

[Anonymous]

"but I did everything I could to make him like me and want to be with me"

Even if you got an answer from him on the why, you still wouldn't feel you had closure because you would then turn to trying to convince him you could be whatever it was he wanted, and to trying to change yourself to suit him. The line I quoted above says it all. I agree with the others that the way to get closure is to take a break from dating, and focus on yourself. Instead of trying to make yourself into something this guy will want, make yourself into a person you like being, that you enjoy. Once you do that, you'll be able to find someone else who also likes you that way, and it won't feel like nearly so much work to "make" him want to be with you. He'll simply want to be with you, as you are.

[Anonymous]

First + foremost I want to say I am sorry that you are going through this OP. Breaking up is tough enough, however when you are the one who didn't initiate the break~up plus you are completely in the dark over why the break~up even occurred is probably one of the crummiest feelings in the world.

I know you think you can be friends w/this guy, but be honest w/yourself. After having such an "intense" romantic relationship w/him, it would be next to impossible for you to maintain just a standard "friendship" w/him. So I can completely understand him not wanting to be friends at this point. It's in your best interest as well.

Your feelings toward him are very raw at this point and in order for you to even have a platonic relationship ONLY w/him, you would need to spend a significant amount of time apart first.

Anyway, your desire for closure is 100% understandable + I think you totally deserve to know why he ended things so abruptly w/no explanation.

However such is life and as we all know, life is seldom if ever fair.
So at this point, hoping for closure will be just a waste of time and energy.

You need to find that closure within yourself. Tell yourself that you did everything humanly possible to be a loving and loyal romantic partner to this man. For him, it was simply not enough. And that is on him...Not on you.

Now you need to move on + focus your energy on someone who is worthy of yourself. Because obviously this guy wasn't. A man who just lets someone go w/out being decent enough to give an explanation is not someone you want to spend your future w/at all. There are many quality people out there who matter and this guy just doesn't.

[Anonymous]

I'm a guy and in a very similar situation. It sucks. I was in a 4 month relationship with a girl and I'd never liked anyone so much before. She broke it off, but left it sort of open-ended: she said she needed time and space and mentioned about potentially starting over in a couple months. I reached out after 2 months, but she was pretty dismissive. It turns out she's seeing someone else...based on Facebook. I didn't de-friend her, but I turned off her feed. It just hurt seeing pictures of her and a new guy.

As others have said, the fact that you "did everything [you] could to make him like [you]" is a bad sign. The right person would appreciate you for you. I feel like I did the same with my ex. I did everything I could to make her happy, but for her, it just wasn't enough. As other have pointed out, you'l often never know or have closure... But, life goes on...

A friend told me recently that just because you feel a connection, it doesn't mean it's the right connection...this seems to make sense, but it still makes things tough.

I'm personally really bummed about my situation as well, but I'm thinking time will help and just trying to enjoy your own life and meet new people. I've also been on many dates since the break-up, but no connection with anyone yet...

[Anonymous]

I'm a guy ....... 57

I feel for you because misery loves company
I also had an intense romance for 4 mths when I was mid 20's. I still haven't gotten over it completely. Meanwhile, I married the woman in my next relationship ....... I simply could not handle another breakup. I was devastated beyond comprehension and never wanted to go thru it again.

I fell madly in Love with her but never verbalized it. When we first started dating, she made the comment "Every man I date falls in love with me " ..... I figured then that she just played with men's hearts and I'd never let myself fall in love with her. I would write her off in my head as a summer fling. She turned out to be the most desirable woman I could imagine. For her, it was completely natural to make a man fell like a real man. She was completely open with her emotions from the very beginning and always made me feel complete. She'd let me know all the time how I pleased her. Would always sit in the middle seat next to me in the car ... just little things that said "Honey, you're the best thing that ever happened to me"

Was very verbal in bed by telling me how wonderful I made her feel. Lots of moaning and cooing. I'd wake up in the middle of the night with a boner and get out of bed to urinate, she'd wake up and see my boner, and ask if she wanted her to take care of it. Usually we'd orgasm together, if she did before me, then without any prompting on my part, she'd go right down and suck every last drop out of me. All with a smile on her face, as if she really enjoyed pleasing me.

Was always proud to show me off in public by standing close to me, showing great affection towards me in front of her family and friends. It was all totally natural to her. She never had an inhibited bone in her body.

One early morning she woke me by climbing on top of me and we had our usual orgasm together. She went to the bathroom to get ready for work, came back to the bedroom for clothes. I was laying in bed staring at her ..... I knew that very instant that I absolutely LOVED her. It hit me like a ton of bricks. She looked at me and said "What, what's up " . I knew that very moment that I couldn't tell her I loved her, I knew that I'd just be another man that fell in love with her. I knew this moment would be the beginning of the end.

The week afterwards, I'm driving down the road and it hits me so hard. I knew in my heart that she could have any man she wanted. I knew she didn't want me the way I wanted her. The next week, she broke a promise to me. I broke up with her instantly. She ran to the bathroom crying and locked herself in. I told her thru the door I was leaving and wanted her to leave her key on the table when she left. I knew I wasn't good enough for her. I knew she deserved someone better.

I love my wife. I still can't stop crying over the one I loved the most though. It's been 34 yrs. I don't know if I've been blessed to have known such a beautiful woman in my life, or cursed that I can never forget her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I'm a guy ....... 57

I feel for you because misery loves company
I also had an intense romance for 4 mths when I was mid 20's. I still haven't gotten over it completely. Meanwhile, I married the woman in my next relationship ....... I simply could not handle another breakup. I was devastated beyond comprehension and never wanted to go thru it again.

I fell madly in Love with her but never verbalized it. When we first started dating, she made the comment "Every man I date falls in love with me " ..... I figured then that she just played with men's hearts and I'd never let myself fall in love with her. I would write her off in my head as a summer fling. She turned out to be the most desirable woman I could imagine. For her, it was completely natural to make a man fell like a real man. She was completely open with her emotions from the very beginning and always made me feel complete. She'd let me know all the time how I pleased her. Would always sit in the middle seat next to me in the car ... just little things that said "Honey, you're the best thing that ever happened to me"

Was very verbal in bed by telling me how wonderful I made her feel. Lots of moaning and cooing. I'd wake up in the middle of the night with a boner and get out of bed to urinate, she'd wake up and see my boner, and ask if she wanted her to take care of it. Usually we'd orgasm together, if she did before me, then without any prompting on my part, she'd go right down and suck every last drop out of me. All with a smile on her face, as if she really enjoyed pleasing me.

Was always proud to show me off in public by standing close to me, showing great affection towards me in front of her family and friends. It was all totally natural to her. She never had an inhibited bone in her body.

One early morning she woke me by climbing on top of me and we had our usual orgasm together. She went to the bathroom to get ready for work, came back to the bedroom for clothes. I was laying in bed staring at her ..... I knew that very instant that I absolutely LOVED her. It hit me like a ton of bricks. She looked at me and said "What, what's up " . I knew that very moment that I couldn't tell her I loved her, I knew that I'd just be another man that fell in love with her. I knew this moment would be the beginning of the end.

The week afterwards, I'm driving down the road and it hits me so hard. I knew in my heart that she could have any man she wanted. I knew she didn't want me the way I wanted her. The next week, she broke a promise to me. I broke up with her instantly. She ran to the bathroom crying and locked herself in. I told her thru the door I was leaving and wanted her to leave her key on the table when she left. I knew I wasn't good enough for her. I knew she deserved someone better.

I love my wife. I still can't stop crying over the one I loved the most though. It's been 34 yrs. I don't know if I've been blessed to have known such a beautiful woman in my life, or cursed that I can never forget her.

cool story bro