How do I move on from a relationship that had no closure?

[Anonymous]

OP - I had a pretty intense ~1.5 year relationship with someone who just - quite literally - disappeared on me. It really tore me up and as others have said, it clobbers your self esteem.

Also as others have said: there is no "closure". There is no magic set of words that "moral character" (whatever that vague term is supposed to mean) can deliver to change the reality that someone you cared for very deeply has completely rejected you. There is no way for them to deliver that message, and somehow make it "OK" - make the heartbreak and hurt go away.

What you can do is move along and find some one new. I have found that with time and distance, I realize that person wasn't as amazing as I made them out to be, nor was I nearly as happy in the relationship as I thought I was. You start to see that other person as the real, flawed human being they are (as we all are), and you lose the feelings you once had. Time is the only cure.

All I can tell you is that I obsessed over her for far far too long, kind of tried to keep track of where she was and what she was doing in general (not stalking), and that keeping track kept it alive in my mind for far too long. Now I think about it, and I can't imagine we'd be very happy together, and I'm honestly relieved. Time is the only cure.

[Anonymous]

RHinVA wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I'm a guy ....... 57

I feel for you because misery loves company
I also had an intense romance for 4 mths when I was mid 20's. I still haven't gotten over it completely. Meanwhile, I married the woman in my next relationship ....... I simply could not handle another breakup. I was devastated beyond comprehension and never wanted to go thru it again.

I fell madly in Love with her but never verbalized it. When we first started dating, she made the comment "Every man I date falls in love with me " ..... I figured then that she just played with men's hearts and I'd never let myself fall in love with her. I would write her off in my head as a summer fling. She turned out to be the most desirable woman I could imagine. For her, it was completely natural to make a man fell like a real man. She was completely open with her emotions from the very beginning and always made me feel complete. She'd let me know all the time how I pleased her. Would always sit in the middle seat next to me in the car ... just little things that said "Honey, you're the best thing that ever happened to me"

Was very verbal in bed by telling me how wonderful I made her feel. Lots of moaning and cooing. I'd wake up in the middle of the night with a boner and get out of bed to urinate, she'd wake up and see my boner, and ask if she wanted her to take care of it. Usually we'd orgasm together, if she did before me, then without any prompting on my part, she'd go right down and suck every last drop out of me. All with a smile on her face, as if she really enjoyed pleasing me.

Was always proud to show me off in public by standing close to me, showing great affection towards me in front of her family and friends. It was all totally natural to her. She never had an inhibited bone in her body.

One early morning she woke me by climbing on top of me and we had our usual orgasm together. She went to the bathroom to get ready for work, came back to the bedroom for clothes. I was laying in bed staring at her ..... I knew that very instant that I absolutely LOVED her. It hit me like a ton of bricks. She looked at me and said "What, what's up " . I knew that very moment that I couldn't tell her I loved her, I knew that I'd just be another man that fell in love with her. I knew this moment would be the beginning of the end.

The week afterwards, I'm driving down the road and it hits me so hard. I knew in my heart that she could have any man she wanted. I knew she didn't want me the way I wanted her. The next week, she broke a promise to me. I broke up with her instantly. She ran to the bathroom crying and locked herself in. I told her thru the door I was leaving and wanted her to leave her key on the table when she left. I knew I wasn't good enough for her. I knew she deserved someone better.

I love my wife. I still can't stop crying over the one I loved the most though. It's been 34 yrs. I don't know if I've been blessed to have known such a beautiful woman in my life, or cursed that I can never forget her.

That's so sad! Why did you think she didn't want you the same way you wanted her? Why didn't you talk about that with her? It sounds like you felt inferior to her for some reason. Why did you think you weren't good enough for her? Sorry for all the questions but your post struck a nerve. I've had guys say similar things to me and it drives me nuts. The only thing keeping them from having a great relationship with me was their own self-esteem issues.

+1

Just as women sometimes do not feel "worthy", men can too. I never knew this.

If it is any conciliation (OP or PP) - often people are not as "perfect" as you remember them!

[Anonymous]

Example #23,324 how if you treat them like shit, they'll love you forever.

[Anonymous]

How old are you, OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
The week afterwards, I'm driving down the road and it hits me so hard. I knew in my heart that she could have any man she wanted. I knew she didn't want me the way I wanted her. The next week, she broke a promise to me. I broke up with her instantly. She ran to the bathroom crying and locked herself in. I told her thru the door I was leaving and wanted her to leave her key on the table when she left. I knew I wasn't good enough for her. I knew she deserved someone better.

God awful. Doesn't sound as much as she could have any man she wanted, but that you were an incredibly insecure jerkoff. Nice going, dude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old are you, OP?

Op here:
Divorced 40 year old

[Anonymous]

Pretty much what others have said, "I did everything I could to make him like me and want to be with me..." was a real problem.

OP, you probably had good chemistry with him, which makes breaking up sooooo hard. Don't worry, you'll find it again.

Be yourself, don't try so hard to be liked.

[Anonymous]

OP, a guy who would just break up with you without any kind of reason or discussion is an ass and a coward. Try to tell yourself that this is the kind of guy who would also make non-relationship decisions without consulting you. This is the guy who would make expensive purchases without letting you have some input. He'd quit a good job without a backup job and without talking it over with you first. He'd leave a marriage without trying counseling or talking about it. (chances are he left because he met someone he liked better.)

I'm sorry, but you dodged a bullet. At some point you'll know that.

[Anonymous]

This is the OP. I just wanted to say that I really appreciate the responses on this thread. To the PPs who have said, give it time, I have. I haven't had any contact with him in over two months and I cannot stop thinking about him. I know that my feelings for him will eventually fade when I meet someone else. I have dated A LOT since he ended things and what I have come to realize is that is is extremely difficult to find someone you have a strong connection with. I miss his friendship the most and it is so hard for me to understand why he cut me off completely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I'm a guy ....... 57

I feel for you because misery loves company
I also had an intense romance for 4 mths when I was mid 20's. I still haven't gotten over it completely. Meanwhile, I married the woman in my next relationship ....... I simply could not handle another breakup. I was devastated beyond comprehension and never wanted to go thru it again.

I fell madly in Love with her but never verbalized it. When we first started dating, she made the comment "Every man I date falls in love with me " ..... I figured then that she just played with men's hearts and I'd never let myself fall in love with her. I would write her off in my head as a summer fling. She turned out to be the most desirable woman I could imagine. For her, it was completely natural to make a man fell like a real man. She was completely open with her emotions from the very beginning and always made me feel complete. She'd let me know all the time how I pleased her. Would always sit in the middle seat next to me in the car ... just little things that said "Honey, you're the best thing that ever happened to me"

Was very verbal in bed by telling me how wonderful I made her feel. Lots of moaning and cooing. I'd wake up in the middle of the night with a boner and get out of bed to urinate, she'd wake up and see my boner, and ask if she wanted her to take care of it. Usually we'd orgasm together, if she did before me, then without any prompting on my part, she'd go right down and suck every last drop out of me. All with a smile on her face, as if she really enjoyed pleasing me.

Was always proud to show me off in public by standing close to me, showing great affection towards me in front of her family and friends. It was all totally natural to her. She never had an inhibited bone in her body.

One early morning she woke me by climbing on top of me and we had our usual orgasm together. She went to the bathroom to get ready for work, came back to the bedroom for clothes. I was laying in bed staring at her ..... I knew that very instant that I absolutely LOVED her. It hit me like a ton of bricks. She looked at me and said "What, what's up " . I knew that very moment that I couldn't tell her I loved her, I knew that I'd just be another man that fell in love with her. I knew this moment would be the beginning of the end.

The week afterwards, I'm driving down the road and it hits me so hard. I knew in my heart that she could have any man she wanted. I knew she didn't want me the way I wanted her. The next week, she broke a promise to me. I broke up with her instantly. She ran to the bathroom crying and locked herself in. I told her thru the door I was leaving and wanted her to leave her key on the table when she left. I knew I wasn't good enough for her. I knew she deserved someone better.

I love my wife. I still can't stop crying over the one I loved the most though. It's been 34 yrs. I don't know if I've been blessed to have known such a beautiful woman in my life, or cursed that I can never forget her.

cool story bro

+1

love these creative writing pieces

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is the OP. I just wanted to say that I really appreciate the responses on this thread. To the PPs who have said, give it time, I have. I haven't had any contact with him in over two months and I cannot stop thinking about him. I know that my feelings for him will eventually fade when I meet someone else. I have dated A LOT since he ended things and what I have come to realize is that is is extremely difficult to find someone you have a strong connection with. I miss his friendship the most and it is so hard for me to understand why he cut me off completely.

I started re-dating at 38 when I divorced. It's been several years and I'm now in a good, healthy relationship. It's not perfect, but it's a strong, positive relationship I feel good about. What you described in your original post happened to me a couple of times. Given my life at the time, 4 months was a "relationship." To just up and cut you off is disheartening. I was in counseling for a while, and during that time, I would discuss these situations. Once or twice I reached out to ask for some explanation. The counselor suggested -- an innocuous text or email, saying I don't want anything from you, but am just wondering what happened or what changed for you. In retrospect, I didn't really need to know the answers...and the one guy I'm thinking of, he never replied (double whammy as that felt awful too!).

Looking back now, it's a "him" issue and not a "you" issue. It seems like you're the type of person that would not treat someone the way he treated you. He's not right for you if that is the case. I would never dump someone after months with no explanation. I certainly don't want to be with someone who could/did/would do that to me. In the end, like everyone has said, you dodged a bullet. He's shown you that when push comes to shove, he's doing what's right for him and isn't even concerned about how this breakup has made you feel. That person is not worthy of your time and thoughts. When the negative thoughts come creeping in, think of some positive to balance that out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is the OP. I just wanted to say that I really appreciate the responses on this thread. To the PPs who have said, give it time, I have. I haven't had any contact with him in over two months and I cannot stop thinking about him. I know that my feelings for him will eventually fade when I meet someone else. I have dated A LOT since he ended things and what I have come to realize is that is is extremely difficult to find someone you have a strong connection with. I miss his friendship the most and it is so hard for me to understand why he cut me off completely.

OP, there are always unanswered questions when you break up with someone and it was an intense relationship. It might have been that he was uncomfortable getting serious so fast because he was hurt before. Also, so many people on here break up, date a ton of people, and say nothing clicks. Sometimes you miss somebody great because you think the other person was godlike, not due to the new person's fault. Give someone a chance. Happiness is often right under our nose and we don't notice it.

[Anonymous]

These short relationships always seem so full of promise, but they were never tested. Folks are nostalgic for a mirage not a real person. Live in the now and did someone who appreciates you OP.

[Anonymous]

13:51 Not the OP but struggling with this issue as well. Just wanted to really thank you for your post, it helped me.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm sorry for your anguish, but think of it like this. If you had a true connection he would have felt the same way, and you two would be together. He doesn't feel that way, so there is no real connection. Rather, it is a spark on your end. Just let it fizzle out. You can use this as a learning experience to identify qualities that you like in a mate.