Extreme resentment over mental load

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: Your kids who take the SAT should be signing themselves up. You guys make your own problems.

DP. No, parents have responsibility here. A husband should be capable of knowing this and assigning himself the task. If the husband is too incompetent or cannot be asked, its on the other parent and there is a case for resentment here.

The Venmo for the teacher gifts is optional. Tell the teacher your husband is too incompetent to parent and for the sake of your mental load, you needed to take responsibility for the SAT. They'll understand.

These are kids who are 2 years from attending college. In many cases, a $$$$$ college. The fact that you exempt the student from responsibility here shows the issue - you do not understand who owns what responsibility. If your 16 year old cannot sign up for the SAT, you have been doing too much.

I'm not saying the parent is fully responsible. I'm saying the parent has a responsibility to ensure the child has what they need to complete the task. Maybe that's nothing. Maybe that's next-to-nothing. It's at least an on-call event for the parent.

On-call event is a big difference than signing the kid up. Which is it? And by the way, on-call event sounds like basic parenting of teens. Are you saying some of your husbands don’t even do that?

I just said parents "have responsibility" here. I was not intending that to mean the responsibility must always involve signing up.

What is a parent’s responsibility with regard to the SAT? And did either of your parents carry that responsibility?

All already answered this: on-call if needed. My parents were not needed, but available if needed.

+1.

I grew up abroad, and 15 year olds researched the U.S SATs, found study materials and registration information. All parents needed to do was pay.

After taking the SATs, these kids researched U.S schools, applications and visa letters, visa requirements/appointments. All parents did was provide bank information.

[Anonymous]

One person just needs to take the lead and delegate. When the email comes out about donating to the teachers you can't have both people jump at it, you will duplicate efforts. If you want your husbands to manage everything and bark out orders about what tasks are assigned to you, I'm guessing you would be complaining about that too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: Your kids who take the SAT should be signing themselves up. You guys make your own problems.

DP. No, parents have responsibility here. A husband should be capable of knowing this and assigning himself the task. If the husband is too incompetent or cannot be asked, its on the other parent and there is a case for resentment here.

The Venmo for the teacher gifts is optional. Tell the teacher your husband is too incompetent to parent and for the sake of your mental load, you needed to take responsibility for the SAT. They'll understand.

These are kids who are 2 years from attending college. In many cases, a $$$$$ college. The fact that you exempt the student from responsibility here shows the issue - you do not understand who owns what responsibility. If your 16 year old cannot sign up for the SAT, you have been doing too much.

I'm not saying the parent is fully responsible. I'm saying the parent has a responsibility to ensure the child has what they need to complete the task. Maybe that's nothing. Maybe that's next-to-nothing. It's at least an on-call event for the parent.

On-call event is a big difference than signing the kid up. Which is it? And by the way, on-call event sounds like basic parenting of teens. Are you saying some of your husbands don’t even do that?

I just said parents "have responsibility" here. I was not intending that to mean the responsibility must always involve signing up.

What is a parent’s responsibility with regard to the SAT? And did either of your parents carry that responsibility?

All already answered this: on-call if needed. My parents were not needed, but available if needed.

+1.

I grew up abroad, and 15 year olds researched the U.S SATs, found study materials and registration information. All parents needed to do was pay.

After taking the SATs, these kids researched U.S schools, applications and visa letters, visa requirements/appointments. All parents did was provide bank information.

Uh huh. At 15, everyone you knew decided to move to another country and your parents just had no idea that was even happening.

Don’t you think it’s possible that only one of your parents had no idea?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One person just needs to take the lead and delegate. When the email comes out about donating to the teachers you can't have both people jump at it, you will duplicate efforts. If you want your husbands to manage everything and bark out orders about what tasks are assigned to you, I'm guessing you would be complaining about that too.

I would absolutely not! That would be amazing!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: Your kids who take the SAT should be signing themselves up. You guys make your own problems.

DP. No, parents have responsibility here. A husband should be capable of knowing this and assigning himself the task. If the husband is too incompetent or cannot be asked, its on the other parent and there is a case for resentment here.

The Venmo for the teacher gifts is optional. Tell the teacher your husband is too incompetent to parent and for the sake of your mental load, you needed to take responsibility for the SAT. They'll understand.

These are kids who are 2 years from attending college. In many cases, a $$$$$ college. The fact that you exempt the student from responsibility here shows the issue - you do not understand who owns what responsibility. If your 16 year old cannot sign up for the SAT, you have been doing too much.

This. Your kid can sign up for it, pay for it, and figure out how to take the bus there. It's not that hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get it OP. We got an email about the "class gift" for one of my kids teachers earlier this week and they haven't sent the money yet because last week I did the money for the PTA fund, the money for the fund to give bonuses to specials teachers, I write thank you cards for each of my kids' EC coaches, and I ordered photo books for both sets of grandparents featuring highlights from their visits with our kids this year.

DH also got the class gift email. He also has Venmo.

If I asked him to do it, he would. He'd also be bewildered -- why ask when it's just a minute in my phone to do it? But it's not really about this one task. So instead i'm sitting on it and feeling resentful, and in the back of my head I'm thinking how the class mom is likely annoyed at me and others who haven't contributed yet, and that's fair because she's going above and beyond in organizing, and yet no one is annoyed with my husband. Except me.

The difference in expectations for moms and dads is vast.

Self imposed expectations seem to be at least part of the issue in a lot of these situations.

Just relax, take a deep breath.

None of the stuff you mentioned is critical. If you are doing things like writing thank you cards and making photo albums it should be done out of love. If you don’t love doing it, if it makes u cranky then just stop. I haven’t written thank you notes to any of my kids coaches and it seems fine.

It is done out of genuine appreciation for my kids' teachers and coaches, and the photo albums are done out of love for my parents and ILs and a desire to support the connection they have to our kids. Donating to school funds is an obligation but I do think it matters -- we can afford to donate something, and I have been in fundraising positions before and know freeloaders are a challenge, so I try to be conscientious towards others when they are fundraising in ways that benefit me and my family.

I'm also fine donating to the fund for the class gift. I'm grateful to the class mom for sorting that out and much prefer a class gift to the awkwardness of some people giving gifts and others not and it just not being clear what is appropriate.

I don't resent the tasks. Also, if you asked my husband if we should do any or all of these things, he'd say yes. He'd say they are important ways to contribute to our community and that the photo books for grandparents are appreciated more than other gifts we give them. But he will never, ever take the initiative to do any of these things. Worse than that, he'd claim it is beyond him. He would never write thank you notes because he has terrible handwriting. He won't donate to the different funds because he will say he has no idea how much to give or what's appropriate and he'd want me to decide. He'd claim that organizing photos for the photo books and loading them into the program to get them printed is just beyond him.

Are these things essential parts of life? No, of course not. If we were struggling for money or overwhelmed with other life events, I wouldn't do any of them. But we're not. "We" can do them. And when "we" do these things, it generates good will in our family and community, it gives my kids a sense of pride and belonging when they are aware of these things, it helps the teachers and coaches and grandparents in our lives feel appreciated and recognized. These are good things. But if I don't do them, they won't happen.

DP this is a different matter as you are not resentful.

If your mental health was compromised, that's a problem; it's appropriate in that circumstance to identity what can be changed to improve mental health.

I think this person IS resentful. Not of the tasks, but of her husband’s persistent expectation that she’ll handle all of them even though they’re things he also cares about.

Bingo.

I don't do tasks I don't think matter but I get annoyed when I do tasks my spouse and I both agree matter but he never does them and just waits for me to do them. So I'm never thinking "ugh, why do I have to give money to the room parent for a gift?" because I know why and am fine with it, but I do think "why doesn't DH ever take the initiative on this? especially when, if I ask, he'll agree it's something we should do?"

Right?
DH is not sending the Venmo for the teacher gifts, but he’s also not signing the older kids up for the SAT. All of the kid admin stuff is on me.

Your kids who take the SAT should be signing themselves up. You guys make your own problems.

Yes yes. Go on the college forum with this nonsense.

Nonsense? making my kids who take the SAT responsible for signing up? I also think the folks who project manage applications are ridiculous. But it highlights that there are posters who are controlling, if that’s what you intended.

Yeah. Sure. Tell your kids to sign up for the SAT prep course themselves, using money they earn from the job that they got and ride their bikes to without any input from you and the credit card they got from a bank that gives credit to 15 year olds.

Good luck with that!!

Ummm... Capital One gave my kid a debit card, as did the credit union we all have accounts at. Minus that one variable, this is exactly what my kid did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: Your kids who take the SAT should be signing themselves up. You guys make your own problems.

DP. No, parents have responsibility here. A husband should be capable of knowing this and assigning himself the task. If the husband is too incompetent or cannot be asked, its on the other parent and there is a case for resentment here.

The Venmo for the teacher gifts is optional. Tell the teacher your husband is too incompetent to parent and for the sake of your mental load, you needed to take responsibility for the SAT. They'll understand.

At least in my kids' classrooms, classroom arrangements, signup genius links, venmo requests, etc. are all done through a group chat via the school's app. All classroom parents are added. Emails are also sent to all classroom parents. Not ONE husband responds to chats, emails, signup genius. It's 100% moms. On the class party day there's decent dad turnout, so I know they're aware. And I know the majority of moms are working moms. It's been like this since daycare!

I also handle most kid admin in my house. My husband is no slouch otherwise, but there are times when I'm underwater and need help and he is completely blind to this kind of work no matter how many app notifications/emails/paperwork are sent. I have to directly ask. Yes, some of it's fluff, no one will die if we forget cookies for the teacher cookie exchange, but we DO need to get the required class shirt, recorder, contribute to group activities, pay for field trips, sign online permission slips, check grades and homework, update parental settings on devices, and on and on. I truly believe the idea that planning around children's lives is "women's work" is so pervasive, the vast majority of men will not change, even if it's subconscious and they present a flexible, equitable mindset.

Do not get me started on Christmas.

Same for us regarding all dads being on these chats and it being totally moms dealing with it. There are two dads (out of 40-some families across two classes) who participate.

And ALL the moms work, and many have jobs every bit as challenging as their husband's. Some are fily breadwinners.

Also, the two dads that participate -- their wives also participate. But for a lot of other families, the dad has zero involvement.

This is a UMC public school in DC. Also, some of the class and PTA stuff is dumb make work (I don't do that) but a lot of this is just necessary stuff -- making sure kids have supplies, knowing deadlines, ensuring there are sufficient chaperones for school trips, disseminating info about aftercare, administrative deadlines, etc.

That's how I know that the women in this thread saying "it's unequal" are not BSing. It's not! And it's not because all the women are bad communicators or just live feeling resentful or whatever. It's because it's just not equal. Most moms work, but few dads do as much parenting/household admin as moms. And that's just the truth. It's no wonder women sometimes complain. It is a testament to our fortitude that we don't complain more.

This.

I definitely do more admin work than my husband BUT he does more of other things. For example, my car registration is something he does, as he does everything related to all our cars. I'm not equating the two, I'm just saying that we have divided some things 50/50 (i.e. we are both responsible for certain items related to our children and house) and for other things we have divided them 100/0 where one of us is wholly responsible for that area. For example, he does all the electronics for everyone in the family, which includes all issues with phones, iPads, computers, laptops, TVs, WiFi, etc. If a child asks me for assistance because something isn't working on their phone, I send them to their dad. I do all the logistics related to our kids' shared sport because it's also my sport. My husband attends practices and competitions, but I buy all the items the kids need and stay on top of that. I could go on and on, but the two of us both work full time and have divided things up in a way that works for us. I do more admin but not all of it and he does more of other things. All that to say, I don't think saying you do more admin work is necessarily a problem. Now, if you do all of it despite asking your husband for help with it, or you do it in addition to everything else, then of course that's a problem.

Same. I actually call this 50/50 because I’m a bulker not a splitter - on a whole it’s 50/50. Reality is he does all the home and garden maintenance and organization. I do all the kid shopping. We both do cooking, laundry. I organize the household help; he organizes the kids extracurriculars and school payments. We both work and are equals with our own specialties.

That does sound pretty even to me.

I think where couples run into problem is when they split things up kind of like this before kids, and it feels pretty even (he cooks, she cleans, he deals with the car, she manages bills, etc.) but then kids come along and the "bulk" of kid activities fall to the mom. And sure, people can quibble around the edges over whether every kid-related activity is necessary and if some of it is a priority only for the mom, but I think when dad's are not really taking any initiative on ANY kid-related duties, it's obviously going to be unequal unless she's a SAHM. But this thread is about women who work and still feel like their are doing way more at home.

The fact that your DH is willing to completely handle kids ECs and school payments, without being asked and without you needing to delegate or show him how to do it, means he's not dumping it all on you. I think it's that feeling of being abandoned to handle the kids that a lot of women are responding to, the sense that it's been assigned to them without even being discussed, and that when they try to even it up, their husband's fight them on it and will only "help" with the kids but not really take on responsibility. It's a lack of ownership around parenthood that I absolutely see in many families, including plenty of families where the spouses earn the same amount or even where the woman outearns her husband. There are an unacceptable number of men who expect their wives to work and contribute financially to the household but do not feel there is an expectation that they do the same thing on the parenting front. Even if that number were only 20-30% of family households, it's too many. That's a lot of men shirking parenting duties even though their wives are working and earning money for the family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get it OP. We got an email about the "class gift" for one of my kids teachers earlier this week and they haven't sent the money yet because last week I did the money for the PTA fund, the money for the fund to give bonuses to specials teachers, I write thank you cards for each of my kids' EC coaches, and I ordered photo books for both sets of grandparents featuring highlights from their visits with our kids this year.

DH also got the class gift email. He also has Venmo.

If I asked him to do it, he would. He'd also be bewildered -- why ask when it's just a minute in my phone to do it? But it's not really about this one task. So instead i'm sitting on it and feeling resentful, and in the back of my head I'm thinking how the class mom is likely annoyed at me and others who haven't contributed yet, and that's fair because she's going above and beyond in organizing, and yet no one is annoyed with my husband. Except me.

The difference in expectations for moms and dads is vast.

Self imposed expectations seem to be at least part of the issue in a lot of these situations.

Just relax, take a deep breath.

None of the stuff you mentioned is critical. If you are doing things like writing thank you cards and making photo albums it should be done out of love. If you don’t love doing it, if it makes u cranky then just stop. I haven’t written thank you notes to any of my kids coaches and it seems fine.

It is done out of genuine appreciation for my kids' teachers and coaches, and the photo albums are done out of love for my parents and ILs and a desire to support the connection they have to our kids. Donating to school funds is an obligation but I do think it matters -- we can afford to donate something, and I have been in fundraising positions before and know freeloaders are a challenge, so I try to be conscientious towards others when they are fundraising in ways that benefit me and my family.

I'm also fine donating to the fund for the class gift. I'm grateful to the class mom for sorting that out and much prefer a class gift to the awkwardness of some people giving gifts and others not and it just not being clear what is appropriate.

I don't resent the tasks. Also, if you asked my husband if we should do any or all of these things, he'd say yes. He'd say they are important ways to contribute to our community and that the photo books for grandparents are appreciated more than other gifts we give them. But he will never, ever take the initiative to do any of these things. Worse than that, he'd claim it is beyond him. He would never write thank you notes because he has terrible handwriting. He won't donate to the different funds because he will say he has no idea how much to give or what's appropriate and he'd want me to decide. He'd claim that organizing photos for the photo books and loading them into the program to get them printed is just beyond him.

Are these things essential parts of life? No, of course not. If we were struggling for money or overwhelmed with other life events, I wouldn't do any of them. But we're not. "We" can do them. And when "we" do these things, it generates good will in our family and community, it gives my kids a sense of pride and belonging when they are aware of these things, it helps the teachers and coaches and grandparents in our lives feel appreciated and recognized. These are good things. But if I don't do them, they won't happen.

DP this is a different matter as you are not resentful.

If your mental health was compromised, that's a problem; it's appropriate in that circumstance to identity what can be changed to improve mental health.

I think this person IS resentful. Not of the tasks, but of her husband’s persistent expectation that she’ll handle all of them even though they’re things he also cares about.

Bingo.

I don't do tasks I don't think matter but I get annoyed when I do tasks my spouse and I both agree matter but he never does them and just waits for me to do them. So I'm never thinking "ugh, why do I have to give money to the room parent for a gift?" because I know why and am fine with it, but I do think "why doesn't DH ever take the initiative on this? especially when, if I ask, he'll agree it's something we should do?"

Right?
DH is not sending the Venmo for the teacher gifts, but he’s also not signing the older kids up for the SAT. All of the kid admin stuff is on me.

Your kids who take the SAT should be signing themselves up. You guys make your own problems.

Yes yes. Go on the college forum with this nonsense.

Nonsense? making my kids who take the SAT responsible for signing up? I also think the folks who project manage applications are ridiculous. But it highlights that there are posters who are controlling, if that’s what you intended.

Yeah. Sure. Tell your kids to sign up for the SAT prep course themselves, using money they earn from the job that they got and ride their bikes to without any input from you and the credit card they got from a bank that gives credit to 15 year olds.

Good luck with that!!

Ummm... Capital One gave my kid a debit card, as did the credit union we all have accounts at. Minus that one variable, this is exactly what my kid did.

The amount of pushback on the idea of kids using a website to sign up for a test is telling. The parents here can't imagine letting go of anything so their only choice is to be miserable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If OP's angst is about Christmas and getting ready, there is an expression, "Tradition is the tyranny of fixed expectations."

I think that OP’s angst is that her husband expects her to do all of these things, but he doesn’t explicitly say it. So she is left wondering how this got to be her job.

It’s kind of wild that so many people are telling her to just accept that it’s her job, calling her whiny, and giving her tips on how to be more efficient.

Her husband does jobs when asked. What difference does it make what he "doesn't explicitly say". She asks for a tree, he provides tree.

I swear some of you are determined to manufacture problems out of nothing.

Why does he need to be asked? He's an adult. OP is not the project manager.

Because OP wants it done and doesn't want to do it. It's not his expectation, it's hers. Therefore, she's responsible for asking for what she wants/needs. He can leave it undone and be totally happy.

That's a copout. These are children and household related things that need to get done. DH doesn't get to say, "our household and kids need only the bare minimum, and no holiday observance" and call it a day.

Yeah, actually, he does. And then, if it's important to her to do these non-essential things, she gets to do them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get it OP. We got an email about the "class gift" for one of my kids teachers earlier this week and they haven't sent the money yet because last week I did the money for the PTA fund, the money for the fund to give bonuses to specials teachers, I write thank you cards for each of my kids' EC coaches, and I ordered photo books for both sets of grandparents featuring highlights from their visits with our kids this year.

DH also got the class gift email. He also has Venmo.

If I asked him to do it, he would. He'd also be bewildered -- why ask when it's just a minute in my phone to do it? But it's not really about this one task. So instead i'm sitting on it and feeling resentful, and in the back of my head I'm thinking how the class mom is likely annoyed at me and others who haven't contributed yet, and that's fair because she's going above and beyond in organizing, and yet no one is annoyed with my husband. Except me.

The difference in expectations for moms and dads is vast.

Self imposed expectations seem to be at least part of the issue in a lot of these situations.

Just relax, take a deep breath.

None of the stuff you mentioned is critical. If you are doing things like writing thank you cards and making photo albums it should be done out of love. If you don’t love doing it, if it makes u cranky then just stop. I haven’t written thank you notes to any of my kids coaches and it seems fine.

It is done out of genuine appreciation for my kids' teachers and coaches, and the photo albums are done out of love for my parents and ILs and a desire to support the connection they have to our kids. Donating to school funds is an obligation but I do think it matters -- we can afford to donate something, and I have been in fundraising positions before and know freeloaders are a challenge, so I try to be conscientious towards others when they are fundraising in ways that benefit me and my family.

I'm also fine donating to the fund for the class gift. I'm grateful to the class mom for sorting that out and much prefer a class gift to the awkwardness of some people giving gifts and others not and it just not being clear what is appropriate.

I don't resent the tasks. Also, if you asked my husband if we should do any or all of these things, he'd say yes. He'd say they are important ways to contribute to our community and that the photo books for grandparents are appreciated more than other gifts we give them. But he will never, ever take the initiative to do any of these things. Worse than that, he'd claim it is beyond him. He would never write thank you notes because he has terrible handwriting. He won't donate to the different funds because he will say he has no idea how much to give or what's appropriate and he'd want me to decide. He'd claim that organizing photos for the photo books and loading them into the program to get them printed is just beyond him.

Are these things essential parts of life? No, of course not. If we were struggling for money or overwhelmed with other life events, I wouldn't do any of them. But we're not. "We" can do them. And when "we" do these things, it generates good will in our family and community, it gives my kids a sense of pride and belonging when they are aware of these things, it helps the teachers and coaches and grandparents in our lives feel appreciated and recognized. These are good things. But if I don't do them, they won't happen.

DP this is a different matter as you are not resentful.

If your mental health was compromised, that's a problem; it's appropriate in that circumstance to identity what can be changed to improve mental health.

I think this person IS resentful. Not of the tasks, but of her husband’s persistent expectation that she’ll handle all of them even though they’re things he also cares about.

Bingo.

I don't do tasks I don't think matter but I get annoyed when I do tasks my spouse and I both agree matter but he never does them and just waits for me to do them. So I'm never thinking "ugh, why do I have to give money to the room parent for a gift?" because I know why and am fine with it, but I do think "why doesn't DH ever take the initiative on this? especially when, if I ask, he'll agree it's something we should do?"

Right?
DH is not sending the Venmo for the teacher gifts, but he’s also not signing the older kids up for the SAT. All of the kid admin stuff is on me.

Your kids who take the SAT should be signing themselves up. You guys make your own problems.

Yes yes. Go on the college forum with this nonsense.

Nonsense? making my kids who take the SAT responsible for signing up? I also think the folks who project manage applications are ridiculous. But it highlights that there are posters who are controlling, if that’s what you intended.

Yeah. Sure. Tell your kids to sign up for the SAT prep course themselves, using money they earn from the job that they got and ride their bikes to without any input from you and the credit card they got from a bank that gives credit to 15 year olds.

Good luck with that!!

Ummm... Capital One gave my kid a debit card, as did the credit union we all have accounts at. Minus that one variable, this is exactly what my kid did.

The amount of pushback on the idea of kids using a website to sign up for a test is telling. The parents here can't imagine letting go of anything so their only choice is to be miserable.

They have to stunt their children because if it gets out that the kids can do "all this LABOR!!1!" then it makes plain how little actual labor they were doing vs. the copious amounts of complaining and resentment

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If OP's angst is about Christmas and getting ready, there is an expression, "Tradition is the tyranny of fixed expectations."

I think that OP’s angst is that her husband expects her to do all of these things, but he doesn’t explicitly say it. So she is left wondering how this got to be her job.

It’s kind of wild that so many people are telling her to just accept that it’s her job, calling her whiny, and giving her tips on how to be more efficient.

Her husband does jobs when asked. What difference does it make what he "doesn't explicitly say". She asks for a tree, he provides tree.

I swear some of you are determined to manufacture problems out of nothing.

Why does he need to be asked? He's an adult. OP is not the project manager.

Because OP wants it done and doesn't want to do it. It's not his expectation, it's hers. Therefore, she's responsible for asking for what she wants/needs. He can leave it undone and be totally happy.

That's a copout. These are children and household related things that need to get done. DH doesn't get to say, "our household and kids need only the bare minimum, and no holiday observance" and call it a day.

Yeah, actually, he does. And then, if it's important to her to do these non-essential things, she gets to do them.

And, to be clear, she can do the same. Nobody's forcing her to make a "magical" holiday experience. If you don't enjoy it, stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get it OP. We got an email about the "class gift" for one of my kids teachers earlier this week and they haven't sent the money yet because last week I did the money for the PTA fund, the money for the fund to give bonuses to specials teachers, I write thank you cards for each of my kids' EC coaches, and I ordered photo books for both sets of grandparents featuring highlights from their visits with our kids this year.

DH also got the class gift email. He also has Venmo.

If I asked him to do it, he would. He'd also be bewildered -- why ask when it's just a minute in my phone to do it? But it's not really about this one task. So instead i'm sitting on it and feeling resentful, and in the back of my head I'm thinking how the class mom is likely annoyed at me and others who haven't contributed yet, and that's fair because she's going above and beyond in organizing, and yet no one is annoyed with my husband. Except me.

The difference in expectations for moms and dads is vast.

Self imposed expectations seem to be at least part of the issue in a lot of these situations.

Just relax, take a deep breath.

None of the stuff you mentioned is critical. If you are doing things like writing thank you cards and making photo albums it should be done out of love. If you don’t love doing it, if it makes u cranky then just stop. I haven’t written thank you notes to any of my kids coaches and it seems fine.

It is done out of genuine appreciation for my kids' teachers and coaches, and the photo albums are done out of love for my parents and ILs and a desire to support the connection they have to our kids. Donating to school funds is an obligation but I do think it matters -- we can afford to donate something, and I have been in fundraising positions before and know freeloaders are a challenge, so I try to be conscientious towards others when they are fundraising in ways that benefit me and my family.

I'm also fine donating to the fund for the class gift. I'm grateful to the class mom for sorting that out and much prefer a class gift to the awkwardness of some people giving gifts and others not and it just not being clear what is appropriate.

I don't resent the tasks. Also, if you asked my husband if we should do any or all of these things, he'd say yes. He'd say they are important ways to contribute to our community and that the photo books for grandparents are appreciated more than other gifts we give them. But he will never, ever take the initiative to do any of these things. Worse than that, he'd claim it is beyond him. He would never write thank you notes because he has terrible handwriting. He won't donate to the different funds because he will say he has no idea how much to give or what's appropriate and he'd want me to decide. He'd claim that organizing photos for the photo books and loading them into the program to get them printed is just beyond him.

Are these things essential parts of life? No, of course not. If we were struggling for money or overwhelmed with other life events, I wouldn't do any of them. But we're not. "We" can do them. And when "we" do these things, it generates good will in our family and community, it gives my kids a sense of pride and belonging when they are aware of these things, it helps the teachers and coaches and grandparents in our lives feel appreciated and recognized. These are good things. But if I don't do them, they won't happen.

DP this is a different matter as you are not resentful.

If your mental health was compromised, that's a problem; it's appropriate in that circumstance to identity what can be changed to improve mental health.

I think this person IS resentful. Not of the tasks, but of her husband’s persistent expectation that she’ll handle all of them even though they’re things he also cares about.

Bingo.

I don't do tasks I don't think matter but I get annoyed when I do tasks my spouse and I both agree matter but he never does them and just waits for me to do them. So I'm never thinking "ugh, why do I have to give money to the room parent for a gift?" because I know why and am fine with it, but I do think "why doesn't DH ever take the initiative on this? especially when, if I ask, he'll agree it's something we should do?"

Right?
DH is not sending the Venmo for the teacher gifts, but he’s also not signing the older kids up for the SAT. All of the kid admin stuff is on me.

Your kids who take the SAT should be signing themselves up. You guys make your own problems.

Yes yes. Go on the college forum with this nonsense.

Nonsense? making my kids who take the SAT responsible for signing up? I also think the folks who project manage applications are ridiculous. But it highlights that there are posters who are controlling, if that’s what you intended.

Yeah. Sure. Tell your kids to sign up for the SAT prep course themselves, using money they earn from the job that they got and ride their bikes to without any input from you and the credit card they got from a bank that gives credit to 15 year olds.

Good luck with that!!

Your kid picks a class that works for time and budget. Then uses your credit card. I have high schoolers and am well aware of how it works. But keep on coddling the kids who are going to leave the house in a couple years and spending a lot of money to do so. I want to make sure they can handle the bare minimum (which this is) before they head out.

Whatever.
Use whatever excuse you want to in order to avoid interacting with your own kids.

I guess it’s easier for you to think that than teach your children to be responsible and take on the task. I wonder how not doing the sign up means I’m avoiding interacting my child?

I don’t know. It seems weird to me to not know if your child is planning to attend college. But you go ahead and leave it to your spouse.

You think because I don’t do the actual sign up, I don’t know whether my child is planning to attend college? Logic is hard for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:If OP's angst is about Christmas and getting ready, there is an expression, "Tradition is the tyranny of fixed expectations."

I think that OP’s angst is that her husband expects her to do all of these things, but he doesn’t explicitly say it. So she is left wondering how this got to be her job.

It’s kind of wild that so many people are telling her to just accept that it’s her job, calling her whiny, and giving her tips on how to be more efficient.

Her husband does jobs when asked. What difference does it make what he "doesn't explicitly say". She asks for a tree, he provides tree.

I swear some of you are determined to manufacture problems out of nothing.

Why does he need to be asked? He's an adult. OP is not the project manager.

Because OP wants it done and doesn't want to do it. It's not his expectation, it's hers. Therefore, she's responsible for asking for what she wants/needs. He can leave it undone and be totally happy.

That's a copout. These are children and household related things that need to get done. DH doesn't get to say, "our household and kids need only the bare minimum, and no holiday observance" and call it a day.

You don’t understand the meaning of the word need and you don’t get to dictate household priorities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: And, to be clear, she can do the same. Nobody's forcing her to make a "magical" holiday experience. If you don't enjoy it, stop.

I mean, these things are important, to a degree.

But if I'm operating under extreme resentment and loathing because my spouse cannot or will not participate in the child's lives, I'm editing my mental load and protecting my mental health.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote: Your kids who take the SAT should be signing themselves up. You guys make your own problems.

DP. No, parents have responsibility here. A husband should be capable of knowing this and assigning himself the task. If the husband is too incompetent or cannot be asked, its on the other parent and there is a case for resentment here.

The Venmo for the teacher gifts is optional. Tell the teacher your husband is too incompetent to parent and for the sake of your mental load, you needed to take responsibility for the SAT. They'll understand.

These are kids who are 2 years from attending college. In many cases, a $$$$$ college. The fact that you exempt the student from responsibility here shows the issue - you do not understand who owns what responsibility. If your 16 year old cannot sign up for the SAT, you have been doing too much.

I'm not saying the parent is fully responsible. I'm saying the parent has a responsibility to ensure the child has what they need to complete the task. Maybe that's nothing. Maybe that's next-to-nothing. It's at least an on-call event for the parent.

On-call event is a big difference than signing the kid up. Which is it? And by the way, on-call event sounds like basic parenting of teens. Are you saying some of your husbands don’t even do that?

I just said parents "have responsibility" here. I was not intending that to mean the responsibility must always involve signing up.

What is a parent’s responsibility with regard to the SAT? And did either of your parents carry that responsibility?

All already answered this: on-call if needed. My parents were not needed, but available if needed.

+1.

I grew up abroad, and 15 year olds researched the U.S SATs, found study materials and registration information. All parents needed to do was pay.

After taking the SATs, these kids researched U.S schools, applications and visa letters, visa requirements/appointments. All parents did was provide bank information.

Uh huh. At 15, everyone you knew decided to move to another country and your parents just had no idea that was even happening.

Don’t you think it’s possible that only one of your parents had no idea?

No. Parents did not even know what the SATs were. The kids found information from other students, embassies, language and cultural centers etc. 15 year olds are capable of doing much more than we think.