Reply to My in-laws refuse to speak English in my present

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[quote=Anonymous]You are ME about 18 years ago except this started before DH and I were married.  DH is from DC but we weren't in this area when we started dating and then living together so I didn't know until way late this was an issue.  We moved here together.  My family is out west but all of DH's family live near us.  My ILs are Spanish speakers -  and it wasn't my MIL/FIL doing this but the whole extended family.  The entire family could speak English, all of them worked in jobs where they had to speak English and more than half of them had been educated here.  They would even leave messages on our home answering machine (remember this was 18 years ago) in Spanish - even the relatives that were the same age as DH and with whom he'd only conversed in English growing up.  I was working for an international organization when I met DH, am multi-lingual and have lived all over the world.  I couldn't speak Spanish but could understand a lot.  Didn't matter.  If I didn't greet his family members first, no one would greet me at all.  When I tried to strike up conversations, they'd answer my question in English and then literally turn their back on me and speak to someone else or just walk away.  If I tried to join a group, they'd refuse to make eye contact with me - they were pretending I wasn't there.  I'd spent a lot of time in countries where I didn't speak the local language but had never been so deliberately excluded.

Then BF/now DH refused to address the issue with his family.  We had to go to counseling over the issue. DH's suggestion was for me to learn Spanish but this issue wasn't about language.  It's about respect and courtesy.  After one egregious incident, I left and then refused to attend any of his family events.  I was don't trying.  Of course, I then got pissed at DH for going to the events.  Not a healthy dynamic and I decided things weren't going to work between us.  l deserved better and wasn't willing to be with a man who would allow his family to treat me in such a manner. (God, I still get pissed about it). I started calling wedding vendors to cancel and went to house sit for a friend.  I have a lot of friends in the area and have a great support network. I didn't (and still don't) need his family for anything.

In the end, DH did address the issue with his family.  We got married in a small ceremony that we paid for so it was easily to eliminate the worst offenders.  It wasn't until after we had our first kid (about 5 years after the wedding) that things started to really thaw.  More non-Spanish speakers married into the family and I think his side of the family realized our kids wouldn't know their side of the family unless they were more welcoming (they are right).  I still don't like many in DH's family but can tolerate most of them. There are a few that continue to be such fucking assholes  - and are allowed to be assholes - that the kids and I don't go to events they're at or I pointedly avoid them.  If the family isn't going to deal with them, I feel no need to subject myself and my kids to them.

I feel for you, OP.  Your DH needs to realize this isn't about language.  This is about basic courtesy and respect.[/quote]

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