Why I don't chat with this SN parent.

[Anonymous]

So at our pool there is this mom with a severely disabled son. He looks around 9, has a wheelchair, can't talk or walk. The mom can carry him to the water and splash a bit and he likes that. The mom doesn't talk to any one. We said hello a few times, but that's it. We see each other every day and, if her child wasn't disabled, we would already started chatting about whatever, the weather, where do you live, etc.

Call me the names that you feel I deserve, but please help me overcome my obstacles. I tend to genuinely care about people and these are the reasons that stop me:
- when a child is visibly disabled, and you like them, and you care, is it impolite to ask about the nature if his disability? In my personal view, it is more impolite and careless to ignore it and not to ask. But I don't know how to ask in a polite, respectful way. I guess there is not such thing, and anything you say can be hurtful
- my kids (4 and 6) stare at this boy. I said to them that he has a disability which means that he is different and he can't do certain things and needs help. Now that they have seen him several times, I have said 'you know what he looks like, please try to stop looking at him'. So I fear that, if I engage in a conversation with the mom, he will stare at him much close by, and ask some silly question or even show disgust if he drools or something.

So these are just some of the things that stop me talking to this nice, caring person and her boy.
If you have a disabled child, please help me see what is offensive or not.

[Anonymous]

Just do her a favor and stay away. Funny, the first thing I think is if I am not doing anything, is there anything I can do to help? Get her a snack, open the door, etc. or just a friendly hello so she doesn't feel alienated by people like you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just do her a favor and stay away. Funny, the first thing I think is if I am not doing anything, is there anything I can do to help? Get her a snack, open the door, etc. or just a friendly hello so she doesn't feel alienated by people like you.

By people like me. Ok. What do you exactly mean?

[Anonymous]

NP here. You are making more out of the differences between her child and yours than necessary. What you are doing is uncomfortable and will likely make the other woman feel uncomfortable.

I agree that you should probably stay away. If you change your mind and start to see similarities between you and the mother AND her child and yours, then by all means engage with her.

Then, perhaps, you'd see "Oh, here's a mom like me that may need a little help. I've had those days." So, when you talk with her, you'll approach her from a common ground.

If you can't find commonality or just pity her, do her a favor and just stay away.

[Anonymous]

OP,

Your post seems really inconsiderate and a deliberate swipe at a mom with an SN kid who is struggling with unwanted questions.

Also as an adult, I cannot believe you wrote:

"...when a child is visibly disabled, and you like them, and you care, is it impolite to ask about the nature if his disability? In my personal view, it is more impolite and careless to ignore it and not to ask. But I don't know how to ask in a polite, respectful way..."

Really? How dense can you be? I can understand young children who might stare and ask impertinent questions. However as adults, we should have learned

a.) basic manners
b.) sensitivity to others
c.) common sense
d.) be treated as we would like to be treated
e.) know how to mind our own business

You don't "care" about this mother or the plight of her child. You are just being nosy. If you want to care, chit chat with the mom about things we all make polite social conversation about--the weather. But I agree with others, stay away. You are ignorant about being a decent human being.

[Anonymous]

I feel like I am this mom. I don't go to the pool every day, and I have a daughter, but otherwise this is me.

I can't believe people are advising you to stay away. I know in my case, I have been a member of my pool for 4 years. People don't greet us, they don't say hi to us. They have seen us repeatedly but they act like they don't know us. I feel like we are invisible to them except that we are putting on a show as Special Needs Madonna and Child.

What I want (and again I only speak for myself), is for parents and children at our pool to SAY HELLO TO US. SAY OUR NAMES. Hi Larla! Hi Larlette! Are you having fun at the pool!

You can ask anything you want about my child's disability. I have absolutely no problem with that and if your children are curious, that's not a problem either. I would much rather answer questions than the total silence that reigns when I enter the pool, the looks of pity, and the times that people do talk to me as if I'm some sort of Mother Teresa and so, so wonderful to take my daughter to the pool. I'm a MOM taking my CHILD to the pool. End of story. I happen to carry her because she can't walk.

[Anonymous]

If you are talking about me, please come over to us. I would love to have some company at the pool. And if you are not talking about us anyway, I bet this other mom would too. And her son is probably of normal or even high intelligence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel like I am this mom. I don't go to the pool every day, and I have a daughter, but otherwise this is me.

I can't believe people are advising you to stay away. I know in my case, I have been a member of my pool for 4 years. People don't greet us, they don't say hi to us. They have seen us repeatedly but they act like they don't know us. I feel like we are invisible to them except that we are putting on a show as Special Needs Madonna and Child.

What I want (and again I only speak for myself), is for parents and children at our pool to SAY HELLO TO US. SAY OUR NAMES. Hi Larla! Hi Larlette! Are you having fun at the pool!

You can ask anything you want about my child's disability. I have absolutely no problem with that and if your children are curious, that's not a problem either. I would much rather answer questions than the total silence that reigns when I enter the pool, the looks of pity, and the times that people do talk to me as if I'm some sort of Mother Teresa and so, so wonderful to take my daughter to the pool. I'm a MOM taking my CHILD to the pool. End of story. I happen to carry her because she can't walk.

Add me this to list except that we don't go to the pool. But we do go to restaurants, the grocery store, and target. I have zero problem answering questions about my daughter's disabilities if they come from a kind and compassionate place. Oh and as for your kids, they're kids who will likely follow your lead. So, if you stare, avoid, and make for an uncomfortable situation - that's what they'll take away. If, however, you go up say hi to her and her son and treat them like the normal people they are, your sons will follow. Also, I would totally not be offended if a kid commented or asked why my daughter drools, or has braces, or a feeding tube in this scenario. I am we'll versed in these things and generally have quick answers that make sense to children. What I can't stand and often ignore are the kids with little snarky attitudes who just see us as some sort of freak show - trust me we can tell the difference in a nanosecond.

And if you want to be helpful, hold the door open for her. Offer to take her empty shopping cart back to the rack as she is wrestling the crazy heavy wheelchair back in the car. Just smile as you walk by. Those are the things I appreciate.

[Anonymous]

I think you should go up to the mom and say hi and introduce yourself. Ask her questions you would any friend. Oh do you live close by? What is your home school? Just because we have SN children does not mean we do not have time to talk or don't want to talk. We may be a little busy, but it sure makes me feel better when I have another person acknowledge me - the isolation and loneliness are immense. Guess what- I will eventually tell you about my daughter and her disability too, you probably will not have to ask. But I would love the chance to talk about being a mother with another mother. Please do not feel sorry for me, that kills me, my life may seem different but we share a lot of similarities as mothers. Also if your children say things or ask silly questions, I am not offended, they are children.

[Anonymous]

Just go up to her talk to her like you would any other person.

[Anonymous]

NP here (don't usually read this board). I just wanted to say thank you to the SN parents who've posted here -- this is really opening my eyes. It's heartbreaking to think of a mom and child being surrounded by silence because they're different in some way.

I will remember this and make an effort to reach out -- not out of pity, but because I and my DC might make a new friend.

Thank you.

[Anonymous]

OP, you realize you could have been her or could be her one day. You could easily have another pregnancy or an accident that leaves someone you love needing significant care. You never know when that will be you.

You have no heart or empathy, so do leave her alone. It is sad that instead of being kind and setting a good example for your kids on how to treat people you acknowledge she is there and cannot even say a simple hello.

If you were in that situation, how would you want to be treated?

[Anonymous]

I don't get these extreme responses at all. But I do think that OP is overthinking this. Just be friendly, say hi, and go from there.

[Anonymous]

Our neighbors have a daughter with a serious intellectual disability who is nonverbal and or particularly interactive. When I see her with her parents I always say hello to her and greet her by name. She doesn't respond, but so what?

My point is that you speak to people with obvious disabilities the same way you would speak to anyone else. hello. How are you. The difference is not what you say to them (though you may have to adjust your manner of communication, for example making sure a hearing impaired person who reads lips can see your face), its that you treat the way they respond as completely normal even if it is different than the way typical people respond. Don't try to come up with magic words. Just talk the way you take.

I get people's annoyance because it seems like you've gone pretty far in life without learning some obvious lessons. And you seem really flummoxed by the situation. But its pretty easy in the end.

[Anonymous]

I meant she's not interactive.