Why I don't chat with this SN parent.

[Anonymous]

Here's a simple way to look at the original question... imagine it's 1967 and the mother and child are African American. How should you approach them to welcome them as friends?

Welcoming is welcoming, no matter the specifics of the situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I say talk to her!!! I am sure she feels lonely and I don't think it's inappropriate to ask questions...maybe not off the bat, but after a few contacts. I can't believe people are advising you to stay away! I don't have any problem with your post...I don't feel it is rude. You are trying to glean information. At least she is trying, people. geesh

+1000 You've seen each other several times at the pool. Talk to her. Treat her like any other mom. It's ok to be friendly and make an effort when someone has a clearly disabled child. The usual tendency is to avoid these parents b/c people are so afraid of saying the "wrong" thing. Thank goodness there are people like you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP here. All the above conflicting advice is very confusing. Last week I was on a packed metro near a mom with two early-teen kids. The mom told others that they were visiting DC from out of town. Her dd (about 12yo) was severely disabled physically, and appeared non-verbal. I found myself looking a little too long at her, largely because she had a strikingly beautiful face. Really gorgeous. The ds (guessing around 14yo) was handsome and physically normal.
The mom was doing a great job standing on the train maneuvering the wheelchair around commuters, and the DS sat on the front of the chair to stay out of people's way. He was amazing with his sister -- leaning in to whisper to her and lovingly pinching her nose, which made her face light up. I was incredibly touched by his behavior and spent most of the ride with tears in my eyes.

When I walked by her to get off the train I told her that she has a beautiful family. She said thank you. I felt good about the whole thing, but reading all the above, I'm now wondering if I wasn't appropriate and should have not said anything.

You made their day! Why? Because it was a genuine compliment. Good for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
So educate me. Seriously. Why is it painful to overhear an educated explanation to a child about the ways in which society attempts to assist people with disabilities? Why should a discussion about the existence of Braille be hushed until no one is around? Being blind/deaf/on a respirator/<fill in the blank> isn't shameful, and I don't think it should be treated as such.

Wow, you're that clueless?
Would you 'educate' your children on the dangers of obesity in the presence of obese and overweight people?

[Anonymous]

Not if they were next to me, but if they are a good distance away so that I should really be having a private conversation sure. If the overweight person is eavesdropping on our conversation that is their problem. There is no way a parent can know everything about the strangers around them. In urban areas there are always other people around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you should go up to the mom and say hi and introduce yourself. Ask her questions you would any friend. Oh do you live close by? What is your home school? Just because we have SN children does not mean we do not have time to talk or don't want to talk. We may be a little busy, but it sure makes me feel better when I have another person acknowledge me - the isolation and loneliness are immense. Guess what- I will eventually tell you about my daughter and her disability too, you probably will not have to ask. But I would love the chance to talk about being a mother with another mother. Please do not feel sorry for me, that kills me, my life may seem different but we share a lot of similarities as mothers. Also if your children say things or ask silly questions, I am not offended, they are children.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are talking about me, please come over to us. I would love to have some company at the pool. And if you are not talking about us anyway, I bet this other mom would too. And her son is probably of normal or even high intelligence.

So what's your point? She shouldn't feel uncomfortable because the kid is probably just physically disabled? If the kid was intellectually disabled then then she shouldn't bother or steer clear? You just said the most thoughtless comments I have read on this thread.

--mom of an intellectually disabled kid

To the OP...I like it when people approach me and my kid. I'm aware that it's awkward for people to break the ice because they don't want to offend. I cut people who mean well a lot of slack. That said, good ice breakers I've heard are simple hi's, compliments on clothes, observations on what we are doing, comments on the weather or pool temp, or questions about toys or stuff we have with us. Referring to my kid as an angel makes me feel weird. Ignoring us is awful but more bearable than directed rudeness.

Good luck! The more you get to know families with SN the less weird it seems. It's actual a pretty normal life for myself and most other SN families I know.

It was not meant the way you are taking it. My child is motorically disabled and nonverbal. In such situations, outsiders direct conversations and questions to me almost exclusively, treating my child like some sort of potted plant. They don't even bother to say hello before asking "What's wrong with her? I did not intend my statement to slam the intellectually disabled. I wanted people to think more about her personhood.

However, please accept my apologies for my poorly chosen choice of phrase. I can see how it could give offense and I'll think more about what I say in the future. Please don't let this get you down, fellow SN Mom. Have a great day.

That's me above. Thanks for your message and understanding. I did misinterpret what you meant and this made me feel better. Sadly, I have heard some crass comments from physically disabled adults who insult those with ID. It is hard to hear because I figured they would understand better than most. Sorry. I thought this was one of those situations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP here. All the above conflicting advice is very confusing. Last week I was on a packed metro near a mom with two early-teen kids. The mom told others that they were visiting DC from out of town. Her dd (about 12yo) was severely disabled physically, and appeared non-verbal. I found myself looking a little too long at her, largely because she had a strikingly beautiful face. Really gorgeous. The ds (guessing around 14yo) was handsome and physically normal.
The mom was doing a great job standing on the train maneuvering the wheelchair around commuters, and the DS sat on the front of the chair to stay out of people's way. He was amazing with his sister -- leaning in to whisper to her and lovingly pinching her nose, which made her face light up. I was incredibly touched by his behavior and spent most of the ride with tears in my eyes.

When I walked by her to get off the train I told her that she has a beautiful family. She said thank you. I felt good about the whole thing, but reading all the above, I'm now wondering if I wasn't appropriate and should have not said anything.

You made their day! Why? Because it was a genuine compliment. Good for you.

+1

[Anonymous]

OP...there is something called the Smile, Don't Stare campaign and they have tips for situations like this on the website.

Smile, Don't Stare in itself is great advice. I wish I had understood how simple it was myself before I was a SN mom. It really can be very easy. People approach me and my daughter a lot. I really like that. (The only time I'm turned off is when I get pity vibes but this doesn't sound like something you would do!) In fact, it is surprising to me how much my world has expanded since having her. So please don't be afraid to say hello!

[Anonymous]

Smile, don't stare is good advice.

It's a shame that well-meaning people on this thread (the OP and others) are getting the impression that they shouldn't say hello to families of children with special needs. By all means, say hello! Make sure you also make eye contact with and say hello to the child, too, even if they don't appear to speak or hear. As others have said, start the conversation just as you would with anyone else at the pool. If she cuts you off, take the hint, just as you would with anyone else.

Just think: your kids will have a much easier time negotiating these situations now that kids with special needs are in their schools, not sent away the way they were when many of us were kids. They will grow up to be more accepting of such differences.