Why I don't chat with this SN parent.

[Anonymous]

I am the OP. WOW!!!
I appreciate all the answers, because this is what it is about.
Please realize that I framed my question highlighting the barriers or difficulties I may experience when interacting with this mom. Of course we do have a lot of common! Having to deal with the rude pool staff, suffering the rowdy kids who often put us off going in the water, the nice neighborhood we live in, or just being a mom or a human being or whatever, there are many ways I can start small talk!
And yes, it is because I realize that I or anybody could have had a SN child that I have an enormous respect for her.

I knew some people would feel offended, but please realize I am probably not the only one who can feel insecure, esp not knowing how you will take it when my own kids stare, and for this reason, out of respect, keep distance with you.

Of course not holding the rude or saying hi is just plain rude, but I feel that this is a different topic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It isn't as easy as some people are making it out to be. Some parents don't mind you asking questions about the child, others think you are a mean, rude, intrusive awful person if you even notice let alone dare to ask a question about the child. Some people accept help, other people think an offer to help means you think they aren't competent or capable. Some people like others talking to them, others hate it and just want some peace and quiet and time with their child. Some people like x, other people like y.

Anytime you are in an unfamiliar situation (for you), it can be hard to be sure how to navigate especially when there are landmines and some parents will explode at you for x, while the next parent will think you doing x is sweet.

I am the PP who wrote that you should speak to the mom and child as you would any other person. Why on earth would you approach them and ask questions about the child? That would be "mean, awful, intrusive, rude." This isn't rocket science. When you greet people you say hello. If you;ve never met them before, you introduce yourself, "hi, I've seen you around. My name is ...." Its not as if someone in a wheelchair is somehow exempt from basic human decency. Would you walk up to someone and say "you have a lot of freckles. Can you tell me how you got that way and why?"

Honestly, I don't get why this is so difficult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So at our pool there is this mom with a severely disabled son. He looks around 9, has a wheelchair, can't talk or walk. The mom can carry him to the water and splash a bit and he likes that. The mom doesn't talk to any one. We said hello a few times, but that's it. We see each other every day and, if her child wasn't disabled, we would already started chatting about whatever, the weather, where do you live, etc.

Call me the names that you feel I deserve, but please help me overcome my obstacles. I tend to genuinely care about people and these are the reasons that stop me:
- when a child is visibly disabled, and you like them, and you care, is it impolite to ask about the nature if his disability? In my personal view, it is more impolite and careless to ignore it and not to ask. But I don't know how to ask in a polite, respectful way. I guess there is not such thing, and anything you say can be hurtful
- my kids (4 and 6) stare at this boy. I said to them that he has a disability which means that he is different and he can't do certain things and needs help. Now that they have seen him several times, I have said 'you know what he looks like, please try to stop looking at him'. So I fear that, if I engage in a conversation with the mom, he will stare at him much close by, and ask some silly question or even show disgust if he drools or something.

So these are just some of the things that stop me talking to this nice, caring person and her boy.
If you have a disabled child, please help me see what is offensive or not.

To answer your questions:

1. You don't ask. If she volunteers information, you can ask follow-up questions. If she doesn't volunteer information, MYOB.

2. You need to be more firm with your kids. Take them in the locker-room, away from that family, and explain to them that what they are doing is hurtful and rude and they will stop it RIGHT NOW. Not "try to stop." STOP. Explain why it is hurtful and rude and tell them to knock it off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It isn't as easy as some people are making it out to be. Some parents don't mind you asking questions about the child, others think you are a mean, rude, intrusive awful person if you even notice let alone dare to ask a question about the child. Some people accept help, other people think an offer to help means you think they aren't competent or capable. Some people like others talking to them, others hate it and just want some peace and quiet and time with their child. Some people like x, other people like y.

Anytime you are in an unfamiliar situation (for you), it can be hard to be sure how to navigate especially when there are landmines and some parents will explode at you for x, while the next parent will think you doing x is sweet.

Why is it necessary to ask questions about the child in order to strike up a conversation? Do you say to others, "Nice weather for the pool. I see you are overweight -- is it because you had kids or were you always like that?" or do you simply say, "Nice weather for the pool"??? I hope it's the latter.

No, not at all. But some disabilities are limiting, meaning that either you ignore it or you ask questions to see how the child can engage in an activity. You exactly make my point. The poster before you said - don't ignore and other parents on here have said, just ask me! You are saying - don't say anything.

I have a physical disability - it is noticeable. I personally don't mind people asking me questions at all and sometimes questions come up in the context of the activity. Other people completely act like they don't even notice I have a disability which I actually find kind of strange - I just figure those people are super uncomfortable and would feel really awkward so they just pretend they can't see it. I am far more likely to form friendships with people who are genuine and real then people who try to be PC and fake.

It has nothing to do with genuineness, it has to do with manners. People don't point out things about others or ask questions about them, SN or not SN. It's just not polite. That information comes with time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So at our pool there is this mom with a severely disabled son. He looks around 9, has a wheelchair, can't talk or walk. The mom can carry him to the water and splash a bit and he likes that. The mom doesn't talk to any one. We said hello a few times, but that's it. We see each other every day and, if her child wasn't disabled, we would already started chatting about whatever, the weather, where do you live, etc.

Call me the names that you feel I deserve, but please help me overcome my obstacles. I tend to genuinely care about people and these are the reasons that stop me:
- when a child is visibly disabled, and you like them, and you care, is it impolite to ask about the nature if his disability? In my personal view, it is more impolite and careless to ignore it and not to ask. But I don't know how to ask in a polite, respectful way. I guess there is not such thing, and anything you say can be hurtful
- my kids (4 and 6) stare at this boy. I said to them that he has a disability which means that he is different and he can't do certain things and needs help. Now that they have seen him several times, I have said 'you know what he looks like, please try to stop looking at him'. So I fear that, if I engage in a conversation with the mom, he will stare at him much close by, and ask some silly question or even show disgust if he drools or something.

So these are just some of the things that stop me talking to this nice, caring person and her boy.
If you have a disabled child, please help me see what is offensive or not.

To answer your questions:

1. You don't ask. If she volunteers information, you can ask follow-up questions. If she doesn't volunteer information, MYOB.

2. You need to be more firm with your kids. Take them in the locker-room, away from that family, and explain to them that what they are doing is hurtful and rude and they will stop it RIGHT NOW. Not "try to stop." STOP. Explain why it is hurtful and rude and tell them to knock it off.

Have your children think up three things to say to the child with SN that doesn't need responses. "I'm so glad school's out. I love summer and I'll be you do too!" "That bathing suit is great - I love the color blue." "My name is Larlo. It's so hot today! It's like an oven out here!"

[Anonymous]

^^ "I'll BET you do too!" not "be".

[Anonymous]

^^ also, "don't" not "doesn't".

[Anonymous]

OP, your kids stare as you made it something that is not normal. My kids don't see it as anything different than it is. For them it is normal. We go to military hospitals all the time and the idea of "normal" has drastically changed. They know to hold open doors, if someone drops something, offer or just pick it up and just help when you can. They know to be friendly and say hi. Simple. You probably stare and look unsure of what to do, so they do the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To answer your questions:

1. You don't ask. If she volunteers information, you can ask follow-up questions. If she doesn't volunteer information, MYOB.

2. You need to be more firm with your kids. Take them in the locker-room, away from that family, and explain to them that what they are doing is hurtful and rude and they will stop it RIGHT NOW. Not "try to stop." STOP. Explain why it is hurtful and rude and tell them to knock it off.

WT_? The kids are 4 and 6. They stare at people, things, animals or whatever if they're confused or just curious. Don't assume they have the judgmental intent that adults often use when staring.

OP, I hate to use the phrase "teaching moment", but that's what it is. Or better yet, it's a "learning moment" for you and your children. Whether or not the mom of the SN kid needs help or friends, your own children could use some help to process the world around them. Ignoring people is not "polite". Being respectful and genuinely compassionate is polite. The keys are not shying away from a situation (ask your kids why they are staring) and help them (and yourself) frame questions and conversations in a way that focuses on your thoughts and feelings.

"Excuse me. I hope you don't mind the intrusion, but my kids [insert names] and I [name] have seen you here before. Since we're all part of the same community, we'd like to introduce ourselves. [Polite introductions like kids should do with anyone.] My kids asked me some questions, but I don't have the answers. Is it OK if they ask you themselves? [Q&A] Is there anything you'd like to ask the kids about themselves? [Q&A] Thanks for sharing. See you next week!" If things get awkward or you feel like you said the wrong thing, just apologize. We're all just parents. We're not perfect.

I'm a mom of two SN kids and I'm a visible minority. If I had a dollar for every stare, I'd be richer than Oprah. lol Like PPs have said, everyone's different at some point. That's what we have in common.

Good for you for asking, OP. Enjoy the pool!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To answer your questions:

1. You don't ask. If she volunteers information, you can ask follow-up questions. If she doesn't volunteer information, MYOB.

2. You need to be more firm with your kids. Take them in the locker-room, away from that family, and explain to them that what they are doing is hurtful and rude and they will stop it RIGHT NOW. Not "try to stop." STOP. Explain why it is hurtful and rude and tell them to knock it off.

WT_? The kids are 4 and 6. They stare at people, things, animals or whatever if they're confused or just curious. Don't assume they have the judgmental intent that adults often use when staring.

OP, I hate to use the phrase "teaching moment", but that's what it is. Or better yet, it's a "learning moment" for you and your children. Whether or not the mom of the SN kid needs help or friends, your own children could use some help to process the world around them. Ignoring people is not "polite". Being respectful and genuinely compassionate is polite. The keys are not shying away from a situation (ask your kids why they are staring) and help them (and yourself) frame questions and conversations in a way that focuses on your thoughts and feelings.

"Excuse me. I hope you don't mind the intrusion, but my kids [insert names] and I [name] have seen you here before. Since we're all part of the same community, we'd like to introduce ourselves. [Polite introductions like kids should do with anyone.] My kids asked me some questions, but I don't have the answers. Is it OK if they ask you themselves? [Q&A] Is there anything you'd like to ask the kids about themselves? [Q&A] Thanks for sharing. See you next week!" If things get awkward or you feel like you said the wrong thing, just apologize. We're all just parents. We're not perfect.

I'm a mom of two SN kids and I'm a visible minority. If I had a dollar for every stare, I'd be richer than Oprah. lol Like PPs have said, everyone's different at some point. That's what we have in common.

Good for you for asking, OP. Enjoy the pool!

Are you out of your mind?

[Anonymous]

Next time my kids comment on someone being overweight I'm going to say, "Excuse me, but my kids wondered why you were so fat and I said i didn't know. I know some people have a harder time dieting than others and some have medical conditions, so I was wondering if they could ask you directly. Thanks for sharing and have a great day." It would be okay, because we can all SEE if someone is overweight and therefore don't have to ignore it.

Do I have that right?

[Anonymous]

OP again.
The last two PPs just show how different people are and, what some may think as polite, others will not.
Hence the hesitations that I HAD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To answer your questions:

1. You don't ask. If she volunteers information, you can ask follow-up questions. If she doesn't volunteer information, MYOB.

2. You need to be more firm with your kids. Take them in the locker-room, away from that family, and explain to them that what they are doing is hurtful and rude and they will stop it RIGHT NOW. Not "try to stop." STOP. Explain why it is hurtful and rude and tell them to knock it off.

WT_? The kids are 4 and 6. They stare at people, things, animals or whatever if they're confused or just curious. Don't assume they have the judgmental intent that adults often use when staring.

OP, I hate to use the phrase "teaching moment", but that's what it is. Or better yet, it's a "learning moment" for you and your children. Whether or not the mom of the SN kid needs help or friends, your own children could use some help to process the world around them. Ignoring people is not "polite". Being respectful and genuinely compassionate is polite. The keys are not shying away from a situation (ask your kids why they are staring) and help them (and yourself) frame questions and conversations in a way that focuses on your thoughts and feelings.

"Excuse me. I hope you don't mind the intrusion, but my kids [insert names] and I [name] have seen you here before. Since we're all part of the same community, we'd like to introduce ourselves. [Polite introductions like kids should do with anyone.] My kids asked me some questions, but I don't have the answers. Is it OK if they ask you themselves? [Q&A] Is there anything you'd like to ask the kids about themselves? [Q&A] Thanks for sharing. See you next week!" If things get awkward or you feel like you said the wrong thing, just apologize. We're all just parents. We're not perfect.

I'm a mom of two SN kids and I'm a visible minority. If I had a dollar for every stare, I'd be richer than Oprah. lol Like PPs have said, everyone's different at some point. That's what we have in common.

Good for you for asking, OP. Enjoy the pool!

Are you out of your mind?

[phone] That is so offensive. I don't want to teach your kids. That is your job. If you walked up to me and said that, I would cover my kids ears and tell you to F off (and I never swear). Who do you think you are to walk up to someone and say that, especially when their child is right there? Would you want us to walk up to you and say, hey, your kid is really XXX, can you tell us why? If you don't know, just say you don't know to your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again.
The last two PPs just show how different people are and, what some may think as polite, others will not.
Hence the hesitations that I HAD.

Just say "hello," "lovely day out," "how are you?".... really it is simple.

[Anonymous]

Another SN mom here.

If your kids are blatantly staring, please don't walk away from me and my child and call your kids, call them over and over and wait for them to follow while they stand there and gape at us. It doesn't work. You are hiding your head in the sand and ignoring reality. This happened twice at the pool Sunday. Actually, it happens every single time we go to the pool.

The net effect is that I'm left with your gaping kids. I'm left essentially to parent them, while you have walked away and are pretending (1) I don't exist; (2) my daughter doesn't exist; (3) you can walk away from an adult without acknowledging her friendly smile (me), which is insanely hurtful, and your children, when I then say hello, turn their backs on us and run away finally, because of course they have seen you model the same unfriendly and ignoring behavior.

Why do moms do this? Why can't you say to your child "Say hello Larla!" And say to me "Have a great time at the pool, we are headed home for lunch."

What is WRONG with YOU?