Holding my boundary. Let him be mad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just wow to some posters on this thread.
As a former teacher I was often aghast at how little time/attention some parents gave their children. OP does not sound like that at all though. Shame on those who are trying to shame moms who need a few hours to themselves once a week.

My mom was one of those martyr types and it was completely unhealthy, she was absolutely miserable, and my parents ended up divorced.... but hey, at least we never had to have a babysitter, right?

Read again. OP got more than “a few hours” to herself. She’s upset that she’s getting 4.5 hours instead of 5 or wherever they agreed to with their rigid contract. She just CAN’T function without that bit of “her” time and thinks it’s unjust that her husband gets a bit of extra “him” time on one day. OP really doesn’t want to spend an additional half hour with her kid AND really doesn’t want her husband “winning” that prized extra alone time (like that poor kid is a chore). It’s petty and self centered. I bet OP was a bridezilla.

+1 to me it's that it's a LOT of "me time" (esp if every weekend) and having his conversation in front of DD so it's clear neither parent wants to be with her. Having a sep conversation between adults afterward about how the schedule is working and repeated issues with DH etc would be different.

OP is just not that into being mom. Which is her prerogative. But let's not pretend that getting 5 hrs of time to yourself every wknd when you also work FT during the week is the mark of someone who really wants to spend time with their one child.

This nails it.

You see this all the time. Two selfish people can survive marriage because you can continue to be pretty selfish, especially if you are reasonably well off. But add a kid into the mix, and everything falls apart because you have to be so much less selfish. But also, come on, I'm not sure what OP's job is, but even jobs that require a lot of work still afford ample "me time" -- just not many hours in a row.

F you. I’m a lawyer. I kept my family single-handedly afloat when my husband lost his job. I still make more money. I am the source of health benefits. I work hard for my clients and I have busted my @ss to keep my family stable.

-op

Well there you are. You really think your husband owes you.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Dh and I have always split Saturday. He gets up with dd and has her for the am, lunch and puts her down for nap. I have dd after naptime thru dinner and bed. I get a free am, dh gets a free afternoon.

Dh took dd to his moms house this morning. They walked in the door around noon. He announced that he was exhausted, dd needed lunch and a nap and he was going to relax. I was standing in a towel with wet hair from the shower after a great workout. Sat am is My time.

I said, cool dd, excited to play with you after nap! Maybe we can go to the museum.
Dh: “wait you’re not handling lunch and nap?”
Me: “why would I, it’s Sat am?”
Dh: shooting me dirty looks glares.

This is not the first time he’s done this. To me this says, He believes his time to be more important. He can walk in the door and just throw everything on me bc- I’m the mom? I let this dynamic go on for a long time and slowly I’ve started implementing boundaries. If I didn’t speak up for myself, I’d do 100% of the cooking cleaning and childcare. If I don’t speak up for myself, he would never wash a dish. Spill something on the counter and leave it.

As predicted, he sent me a rambling nasty text message of how unloved and unappreciated he felt. And that dd (who is 3) also felt unloved by the cold welcome. He said I need to stop being competitive selfish and petty about childcare.

Now what do you think his reaction would be if I walked in the door and announced I was tired and our daughter needed to eat and sleep. He would say to me exactly what I said to him. That this chunk of time is his free time. He’s a hypocrite.

If he had asked or communicated a change in schedule I would have more likely than not been accommodating. But walking in the door like that? No way.

What makes it more absurd is that he’s about to leave tomorrow for a week long work trip. I’ll be solo with dd for a week, and yes, I work. I’m tact I make more f-ing money than him.

If I don’t stand up for myself , my time, and my boundaries, he will walk all over me.

It was afternoon. Per your agreement, it was you time to take over.

Did you not read directly before you bolded? It literally says her dh handles lunch and naptime and the op
Handles dinner time and bed.

This is exactly why rigid agreements don’t work. How do they handle days that are off-schedule, which are inevitable? Who gets the “extra work”? It’s healthy to be flexible in your time to account for life’s surprises, to speak to your spouse with respect, and to not hold salaries over anyone’s head. OP and her spouse sound like they’re harboring a whole lot of resentment and both would need to mage changes.

Why are people doing all these mental cartwheels to find edge case examples of why dedicated alone time can’t work?? There’s truly no evidence here that OP isn’t flexible *when necessary.*

You have had a 3 year old, yes? They are pretty unpredictable. I'm just not going to look at my kid and say it's not my shift to deal with her and see ya later. The dishes can always wait.

I’m the PP and I’m not OP. I have 3 kids including a 20 month old and I think you’re being intentionally stupid. OP and her husband should have no problem at all doing single parent shifts like this.

But they do have a problem. They sound like a shit team and don't work well together. If you actually have 3 kids you know how easy managing one is.

What I see is that it’s easy enough for OP to manage one but she wants some alone time, and it’s apparently impossible for her husband to match her. What am I missing?

Because humans are predictable machines that never get sick or have a hard day or need a hand? Why get married at all if it's everyone for themselves? On that particular morning she had her alone time. She just doesn't seem to like her husband all that much.

What’s so hard about having a free morning at your mom’s house?

What's so hard about just getting divorced? Then you can have 3-4 days a week of free time with no chance someone will shirt their duty. Seems like a much better deal for OP since she can't stand her husband anyway.

Yawn.

Are you always this absurdly melodramatic, or only on DCUM?

Are you also a lazy bum husband worried the gravy train may end soon? Yawn.

I’m a married woman who does more than 50% of the household chores and childcare.

Now answer the question, drama queen.

More than 50%? So pathetic. Like your husband, I also don't take orders from you or do your bidding. But nice try!

So you don’t have an answer. That’s what I thought. Thanks for confirming.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, don’t you get alone time, along with your DH, while she naps for 2-3 hours? What time does she go to bed at night? Why can’t you parent together on Saturday and use DD’s nap to exercise and shower? I’ve raised several kids and we never had assigned time off.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just wow to some posters on this thread.
As a former teacher I was often aghast at how little time/attention some parents gave their children. OP does not sound like that at all though. Shame on those who are trying to shame moms who need a few hours to themselves once a week.

My mom was one of those martyr types and it was completely unhealthy, she was absolutely miserable, and my parents ended up divorced.... but hey, at least we never had to have a babysitter, right?

Read again. OP got more than “a few hours” to herself. She’s upset that she’s getting 4.5 hours instead of 5 or wherever they agreed to with their rigid contract. She just CAN’T function without that bit of “her” time and thinks it’s unjust that her husband gets a bit of extra “him” time on one day. OP really doesn’t want to spend an additional half hour with her kid AND really doesn’t want her husband “winning” that prized extra alone time (like that poor kid is a chore). It’s petty and self centered. I bet OP was a bridezilla.

+1 to me it's that it's a LOT of "me time" (esp if every weekend) and having his conversation in front of DD so it's clear neither parent wants to be with her. Having a sep conversation between adults afterward about how the schedule is working and repeated issues with DH etc would be different.

OP is just not that into being mom. Which is her prerogative. But let's not pretend that getting 5 hrs of time to yourself every wknd when you also work FT during the week is the mark of someone who really wants to spend time with their one child.

This nails it.

You see this all the time. Two selfish people can survive marriage because you can continue to be pretty selfish, especially if you are reasonably well off. But add a kid into the mix, and everything falls apart because you have to be so much less selfish. But also, come on, I'm not sure what OP's job is, but even jobs that require a lot of work still afford ample "me time" -- just not many hours in a row.

F you. I’m a lawyer. I kept my family single-handedly afloat when my husband lost his job. I still make more money. I am the source of health benefits. I work hard for my clients and I have busted my @ss to keep my family stable.

-op

Who cares? You are a failure as a parent and as a spouse. You have a sucky marriage and you got a kid in it who will grow up to be an adult who needs a lot of therapy.

If your personal family life is terrible and you are playing a role in that - then who cares what job you do? Probably you suck at your job too. Tell me who likes you? (AP or Work Husband excluded)

-DP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When do you guys spend time together as a family?

Sounds like op thinks her workouts and herself are much more important than her daughter or family time. What if he said he wasn’t feeling well, then woudl you have stepped up. I will never get tit for tat relationships. Prepare for divorce.

He didn’t say that. IT IS OK TO PARENT AS YOU AGREED TO DO WHILE TIRED.

Really. Truly. It is. Even if you have a penis.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Op here. Things of note:
-I would never quit my job. For one, I like making my own money. I would never make myself financial dependent on a man. Also, I have carried the health benefits for our family for the last 6 years. And I don’t trust my husband in terms of job stability
-Guess what I also often do on my “sat am free time”…other than working out for an hour and maybe reading for 30min or so. Grocery shopping. Trader Joe’s. Amazon returns to the ups store. Target runs for earth day items for dd’s school. Aka things for my f-ing family that aren’t even on dh’s radar or he assumes/expects that I will handle. Because I always have.
- I didn’t throw a tantrum or yell in front of dd. I literally said: “excited to play with you all afternoon after your nap” I told my dh: “you got nap and lunch” it was my dh who said “me? Why would I do it?” And I said why wouldn’t you. What did I do after dd got up from her nap? Took her to the museum, had a wonderful day. What did dh do? Pack for his work trip, leave the house for a few hours, and didn’t see dd for the rest of the day. He left in the morning for a week long trip. And didn’t see dd after giving her lunch and putting her down for nap. Dd woke up asking where daddy was. I said he went on an airplane for work and will come back. “Why didn’t he kiss me goodnight?” Now talk to me about parental engagement and involvement.
- as he packed, I told dh I was sorry his feelings were hurt but that I needed to talk to him about what happened. His reply “I vented and I think I’m good now.” He has texted me from his work trip as if nothing happened. Sending pictures of meals at restaurants and telling me about the weather. Literally as if nothing happened.

I haven’t left bc I think custody wouid be a nightmare and the finances of two homes an even bigger one.

You're not wrong. But it's interesting that you think nothing of telling your kid it's not your turn for lunch and nap and you'll see here when it's your shift. And then you criticize your husband for not kissing her goodnight on your shift. You can't have it both ways. Maybe she was sad you didn't want to see her either?

Are you being deliberately stupid? the DH left FOR A WEEK without saying goodbye to his DD. The OP told her DH to honor their agreement for a couple of hours. In NO WAY is this the same thing.

Idiot.

A 3 year old doesn't know that, moron. The 3 year old just asked about that night.

^ the point is that 3 year olds KNOW when their parents are dissing them but according to everyone defending OP 3 year olds are totally oblivious. They clearly are not which many of us already know and OP realizes too. But thinks it's only important when it's her husband doing it, she can blow the kid off when she wants.

It is not dissing or blowing off your kid to not be available every single time they want something. There's a larger pattern here where one parent is present and engaged and one isn't.

Of course there is, but both parents are sending the kid mixed messages with this tag team parenting. It's not noble when the mother does it in the eyes of the 3 year old.

It’s ONE day of the week. And what else would happen? DH would walk all over her.

Fine but it's 1 of only 2 days of the weekend. And it's every weekend. OP works FT during the week. So that's why a lot of ppl are pointing out that you have limited time to spend with kids when you work FT, and so being checked out for almost the whole of one day (and yes, I would consider wakeup until post-nap to be most of the day, given typical bedtime of a 3yo) just means your kid is not the priority.

Yeah this is super super weird. OP does not sound like she enjoys being a parent (…or being married)

[Anonymous]

OP, if you split you will still be carrying your insurance and keeping your household afloat, no?

I can see being angry at your husband, but I think there is more to it for it to be so intense.

Explore that on your own or splitting will just be Version 2.0 of the misery you have now, as you fear. And you can't control him staying, you really do seem to have contempt for him and that is one of the 4 horsemen of divorce per the Gottman folks. Takes 2 to marry but 1 to divorce. Gottman therapy has a decent track record, might be worth exploring that together but take a look at your anger on your own. Usually it is a more surface high energy emotion covering more vulnerable feelings. All that cortisol not only tanks your QOL but it's hard on the body and brain too.

You deserve better but just cutting DH loose is not going to get you there. Wishing you and your family peace, OP.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Rigidity becomes necessary when a more causal approach leads to being chronically taken advantage of.

+1

OP, would Fair Play help?

I’ve seen this mentioned a lot on this board. I think I’ll buy it.
About a year ago or so, I suggested we write down our individual loads. Like the things we own related to home kid family finances etc. we each drafted up our list and shared it.
Mine was probably 3x longer?
After he read mine, he went back to “edit” his list. He added random bs to make his list as long as mine. It was legit laughable. I’m talking about things like “manage Netflix and Hulu passwords”
“Call customer service representatives when internet is down”
“Filled out birth certificate paperwork”

Then he said the whole exercise was a farce.
A part of me hopes he doesn’t come back from this work trip. I think this often. I am not the best version of myself when he’s around. I have stayed quiet for so long to kept the peace and not risk an argument, at the expense of my inner turmoil. Today in his text rage he said that I act like taking care of “my daughter” is unbearable. Sometimes I wonder if I’m on a hidden camera show. Did I not see all these red flags before marriage? I’ve ignored my “knowing” for so long. I know I married the wrong person for me. I feel stuck.

I'm not one of those people that comes on here to recommend divorce, but if this is how you truly feel, you should get out! Life is too short. If you have the financial means, you should really thinks seriously of moving on.

OP does seem to find taking care of her daughter unbearable. Her DH isn’t wrong on that. I’d argue he feels the same, but still.

You people are so dim.

I'm genuinely curious as to whether you have reading comprehension issues or you're truly just stupid.

They’re just regurgitating their internalized misogyny.

[Anonymous]

I wish DCUM would tell the age/gender/race/SES of every poster.

I find it dumb that we get engaged with others on DCUM when every poster is reacting predictably on the basis of above categories.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just wow to some posters on this thread.
As a former teacher I was often aghast at how little time/attention some parents gave their children. OP does not sound like that at all though. Shame on those who are trying to shame moms who need a few hours to themselves once a week.

My mom was one of those martyr types and it was completely unhealthy, she was absolutely miserable, and my parents ended up divorced.... but hey, at least we never had to have a babysitter, right?

Read again. OP got more than “a few hours” to herself. She’s upset that she’s getting 4.5 hours instead of 5 or wherever they agreed to with their rigid contract. She just CAN’T function without that bit of “her” time and thinks it’s unjust that her husband gets a bit of extra “him” time on one day. OP really doesn’t want to spend an additional half hour with her kid AND really doesn’t want her husband “winning” that prized extra alone time (like that poor kid is a chore). It’s petty and self centered. I bet OP was a bridezilla.

+1 to me it's that it's a LOT of "me time" (esp if every weekend) and having his conversation in front of DD so it's clear neither parent wants to be with her. Having a sep conversation between adults afterward about how the schedule is working and repeated issues with DH etc would be different.

OP is just not that into being mom. Which is her prerogative. But let's not pretend that getting 5 hrs of time to yourself every wknd when you also work FT during the week is the mark of someone who really wants to spend time with their one child.

This nails it.

You see this all the time. Two selfish people can survive marriage because you can continue to be pretty selfish, especially if you are reasonably well off. But add a kid into the mix, and everything falls apart because you have to be so much less selfish. But also, come on, I'm not sure what OP's job is, but even jobs that require a lot of work still afford ample "me time" -- just not many hours in a row.

F you. I’m a lawyer. I kept my family single-handedly afloat when my husband lost his job. I still make more money. I am the source of health benefits. I work hard for my clients and I have busted my @ss to keep my family stable.

-op

Ha! I can see why you have trouble with your relationship.

I'm a private practice lawyer too and the sole earner supporting my family, and yes, even my job affords plenty of flexibility and "me time" during the day. You can't get out for 30 minutes of exercise during the day? You don't surf the internet for little breaks? Come on. Quit being a drama queen. Your life is so easy and you just want to argue with your DH in front of your daughter about 30 minutes of extra time you need to spend with her?

By the way, your DH sounds lame, too, so I'm not just blaming you.

I'm also a lawyer. I get up before the sun so I can work out. Who are these women getting 30 minutes of exercise during the day? I can't work out and then not shower - I'm all sweaty, which is kind of the point.

Yes I surf the internet for little break (or to post on DCUM) during the work day, but that's not remotely the same as getting time for a real workout or other activity in. Come on.

Right, it's hard to find multiple consecutive hours of free time during the working day, and if that's something a person NEEDS for mental health, then that's an extraordinary need and they should take extraordinary actions to get it, like getting up early. Once you have kids, the entitlement to that sort of free time goes out the window, and to act like you are being deprived of some need is overly dramatic. And yes, the little stretches of "me time" during a work day are significant, even if it's not enough time to do a full work and shower. OP needs to buck up.

Of course, the real reveal from OP's post above is that she's resentful for having had time as the sole earner and for being the breadwinner. She looks down on her husband and feels entitled to a full Saturday morning without having to interact with her daughter. Hard to have a scrap of sympathy for anyone but her daughter.

No. The child’s FATHER “needs to buck up.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Things of note:
-I would never quit my job. For one, I like making my own money. I would never make myself financial dependent on a man. Also, I have carried the health benefits for our family for the last 6 years. And I don’t trust my husband in terms of job stability
-Guess what I also often do on my “sat am free time”…other than working out for an hour and maybe reading for 30min or so. Grocery shopping. Trader Joe’s. Amazon returns to the ups store. Target runs for earth day items for dd’s school. Aka things for my f-ing family that aren’t even on dh’s radar or he assumes/expects that I will handle. Because I always have.
- I didn’t throw a tantrum or yell in front of dd. I literally said: “excited to play with you all afternoon after your nap” I told my dh: “you got nap and lunch” it was my dh who said “me? Why would I do it?” And I said why wouldn’t you. What did I do after dd got up from her nap? Took her to the museum, had a wonderful day. What did dh do? Pack for his work trip, leave the house for a few hours, and didn’t see dd for the rest of the day. He left in the morning for a week long trip. And didn’t see dd after giving her lunch and putting her down for nap. Dd woke up asking where daddy was. I said he went on an airplane for work and will come back. “Why didn’t he kiss me goodnight?” Now talk to me about parental engagement and involvement.
- as he packed, I told dh I was sorry his feelings were hurt but that I needed to talk to him about what happened. His reply “I vented and I think I’m good now.” He has texted me from his work trip as if nothing happened. Sending pictures of meals at restaurants and telling me about the weather. Literally as if nothing happened.

I haven’t left bc I think custody wouid be a nightmare and the finances of two homes an even bigger one.

You're not wrong. But it's interesting that you think nothing of telling your kid it's not your turn for lunch and nap and you'll see here when it's your shift. And then you criticize your husband for not kissing her goodnight on your shift. You can't have it both ways. Maybe she was sad you didn't want to see her either?

My daughter knew I’d see her when she woke up. In 90
Min.
My husband is gone for a week. I think there’s a difference.

OP, I say this as a lawyer, but stop being a lawyer about how you interact with people. The need to be right all the time, the constant slight change of topic to make sure you never have to concede anything, the engaging only to respond but never to find areas of common ground, is an exhausting and unpleasant character trait that is common in lawyers, especially litigators. (I assume you are a litigator of some kind.) You seem completely unable to brook any criticism or acknowledge any areas where you might be wrong. Certainly it is good to stand up for yourself, but it really seems like you are going beyond that. And you might "beat" your husband in this battle, but you are going to be miserable and have a miserable family life.

Yes yes yes. This is the best comment here. OP, read this…have the immediate self-defensive indignant reaction and then wait awhile until it passes, and then read it again. You’re never going to have a happy marriage - with ANYONE - if you approach it how you currently do.

[Anonymous]

OP I would recommend you get an au pair or third party to be "on shift" on the weekends- that is what I have done with my three children to get a 5 hour break on a Saturday. I get it. It's just impossible for me (also a lawyer, making more than DH) to actually be able to block out time -- as a husband is different than an employee -and it is easier just to pay someone and maximize time that way. Good luck!!! I get it. It's hard work. And women get penalized expecting to be the primary caretaker and also sometimes be the primary breadwinner (I also pay the health benefits, cover the majority of costs) -- it's easier just to outsource!!! Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I didn’t read all pages of this but per the original post Saturday AM was mom alone time and he did take DD and came back “around noon.” Which seems like the exact agreed upon transition time. Don’t understand what the issue is but clearly a dysfunctional relationship here. Poor kid.

This has been covered approximately 500 times already, but just to recap, “noon” is irrelevant. Their standing agreement is that he has the child in the morning, through lunch and until she’s out down for a nap, then mom takes over when the child wakes up from her nap. You’re welcome.

[Anonymous]

OP, what do your Sundays look like? Do you guys do stuff together - park, Music Together, Gymboree, any family focused stuff out of the house? Do you ever laugh together?

Do you and DH have a sex life at all? Do you have a work husband or other man you are connecting with emotionally? If not, are you just not getting any of your needs met? Did you have a lot of anger toward partners in prior relationships?

Try to figure out ways to outsource, maybe a babysitter who can do some laundry when the baby sleeps, etc. Order groceries and cut down on the running around, use Amazon? Your stress level seems very high. Hire a cleaner 1-2x per month. Set up systems and free up your energy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is everyone lecturing OP as if she hasn't tried multiple solutions with this guy? Did you catch the list where they wrote out chores and he included filling out their newborn's birth certificate? I'm not saying I have the answer, but it's bizarre reading "well you just have to say/do/work on X" over and over again. She has, it hasn't worked, and if she says nothing, he takes advantage.

It's much more useful to hear from the PP(s) who's marriages have come back from these situations than from people admonishing OP to do one more thing.

I still can’t stop laughing at padding his list with “managing the Hulu and Netflix passwords.” He should be embarrassed.