SAHM’s - anyone successfully convince DH to support their staying home long term?

[Anonymous]

If your youngest is ten then your kids are fairly self sustaining. You're just being lazy at this point. It doesn't take much time to cook and clean when no one is in the house half the day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anyone else shocked by the laziness of SAHMs in this thread citing the inability to work 40 hours a week and lack of leisure time? Isn’t this how the working world functions?

I suspect that many of the SAHMs here couldn’t hack it in the real world and make these excuses to continue to live off their husbands.

Well, now that is an original take!!

I am sure that you are also amazed that these losers SAHMs are able to marry alpha high earning husbands who can fund their lifestyles? Do you wonder why the world is so unfair or why the laziest people live such pampered lives?

Do you know why many working women in their late 30s, 40s, 50s and they are single, but people who you consider essentially incompetent have husbands, have kids, and don't have to earn a single cent? Do you wonder what you are missing in your wonderful analysis? Could it be that these SAHMs could hack life, marriage, kids far better than hacking some low paying job?

This is hilarious…so the bottom line is that you think a man is a plan. You denigrate women who work but they have a way better work ethic than someone like you who is leech. Any woman can marry and have children…it’s no big deal. Having the gumption to build a professional career is way more impressive. By the way, it is quite clear that you PP have no writing ability and probably aren’t very well-educated. So you’re very defensive about your SAHM “hack”.

No one is defensive about being a SAHM. SAHMs are attacked on DCUM precisely because they are well educated and rich. Being a SAHM in DCUM is a status signal. You do understand that this is a bloody expensive place and most people are working to pay bills?

As far as kids are concerned, I don't know about most people but for my DH and I, having kids was the biggest blessing of our lives. For me, my kids are a great example of superior nature and nurture. I sometime wonder if I had kids who had average intellect, plain looks and annoying temperament, would I have stayed at home? Would I have breastfed them as long as I did? I know for sure if they were like many other children who I see in their school ...heck I would have fed them rice cereal at birth so that I could leave them with a care giver and gone back to work without a pang of guilt.

Dp here. I also am a SAHM of some amazing kids. DH often tells me what an awesome job I am doing raising our children. We are both so proud of our kids.

I don’t feel the need to knock anyone else down. I am Ivy educated and had a career. DH is very successful and we have a wonderful life. I don’t have to explain our choices to anyone and we are happy with our choices and life.

[Anonymous]

No one is talking about the downside to being a SAHM- being completely dependent on another person for financial security. Three of my friends are utterly miserable in their marriages. Two will never divorce because they can’t afford to do they’ll stay in their miserable marriages forever. The third is trying to get divorced but is completely delusional about how much money she should be receiving in support and is going to be very unhappy when reality sets in. They’re all in their late 40’s or early 50’s with high school aged kids, married 17-22 years. If they had kept even a toe in the working world they could change their circumstances.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No one is talking about the downside to being a SAHM- being completely dependent on another person for financial security. Three of my friends are utterly miserable in their marriages. Two will never divorce because they can’t afford to do they’ll stay in their miserable marriages forever. The third is trying to get divorced but is completely delusional about how much money she should be receiving in support and is going to be very unhappy when reality sets in. They’re all in their late 40’s or early 50’s with high school aged kids, married 17-22 years. If they had kept even a toe in the working world they could change their circumstances.

This! The women here act like popping out babies for a wealthy husband gets them set for life and it doesn’t match the aggregate data that SAHM ex-wives fare worse after divorce. An extreme example would be Betty Broderick.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To the poster who said "work is just for money"...where did you get this viewpoint?

If you mother had been a a scientist or oncologist or your father had been a therapist or human rights lawyer...you might not feel this way.

Many people devote their work lives to making the world a better place. That is a great source of pride and inspiration for their children.

Sort of sad that you don't get that.

I say this as part of a couple where we both have jobs that you mentioned on your list...your work life is not a source of pride and inspiration for your children. Maybe it will be when they become adults, but children, adolescents, and even young adults are generally pretty self-centered when it comes to their relationship with their parents.

My mother’s work was absolutely a source of pride for me as a kid. She wasn’t even anything really cool like a civil rights lawyer, just an executive at a midsized corporation. But she had a secretary and reports and I thought that was amazing.

If she stayed at home you would have thought the same and appreciated all she did as well.

Nope. She did become a SAHM with my (much) younger brother and I was very disappointed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anyone else shocked by the laziness of SAHMs in this thread citing the inability to work 40 hours a week and lack of leisure time? Isn’t this how the working world functions?

I suspect that many of the SAHMs here couldn’t hack it in the real world and make these excuses to continue to live off their husbands.

Well, now that is an original take!!

I am sure that you are also amazed that these losers SAHMs are able to marry alpha high earning husbands who can fund their lifestyles? Do you wonder why the world is so unfair or why the laziest people live such pampered lives?

Do you know why many working women in their late 30s, 40s, 50s and they are single, but people who you consider essentially incompetent have husbands, have kids, and don't have to earn a single cent? Do you wonder what you are missing in your wonderful analysis? Could it be that these SAHMs could hack life, marriage, kids far better than hacking some low paying job?

This is hilarious…so the bottom line is that you think a man is a plan. You denigrate women who work but they have a way better work ethic than someone like you who is leech. Any woman can marry and have children…it’s no big deal. Having the gumption to build a professional career is way more impressive. By the way, it is quite clear that you PP have no writing ability and probably aren’t very well-educated. So you’re very defensive about your SAHM “hack”.

No one is defensive about being a SAHM. SAHMs are attacked on DCUM precisely because they are well educated and rich. Being a SAHM in DCUM is a status signal. You do understand that this is a bloody expensive place and most people are working to pay bills?

As far as kids are concerned, I don't know about most people but for my DH and I, having kids was the biggest blessing of our lives. For me, my kids are a great example of superior nature and nurture. I sometime wonder if I had kids who had average intellect, plain looks and annoying temperament, would I have stayed at home? Would I have breastfed them as long as I did? I know for sure if they were like many other children who I see in their school ...heck I would have fed them rice cereal at birth so that I could leave them with a care giver and gone back to work without a pang of guilt.

Wow, you are a truly terrible person. Hope your kids find a good therapist some day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is why I'm happy I married a conservative. Republican men see a wife at home as a status symbol and they are proud to take care of her. Liberal men are made uncomfortable by this dynamic once the necessity of care for infants is past.

The conservative husbands I know are just as happy to have their new younger AP turned wife at home. “The marriage didn’t work out,” they say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To the poster who said "work is just for money"...where did you get this viewpoint?

If you mother had been a a scientist or oncologist or your father had been a therapist or human rights lawyer...you might not feel this way.

Many people devote their work lives to making the world a better place. That is a great source of pride and inspiration for their children.

Sort of sad that you don't get that.

I say this as part of a couple where we both have jobs that you mentioned on your list...your work life is not a source of pride and inspiration for your children. Maybe it will be when they become adults, but children, adolescents, and even young adults are generally pretty self-centered when it comes to their relationship with their parents.

My mother’s work was absolutely a source of pride for me as a kid. She wasn’t even anything really cool like a civil rights lawyer, just an executive at a midsized corporation. But she had a secretary and reports and I thought that was amazing.

If she stayed at home you would have thought the same and appreciated all she did as well.

Nope. She did become a SAHM with my (much) younger brother and I was very disappointed.

Then you’re kind of a jerk

[Anonymous]

My mom was SAH my whole life. She was miserable as soon as youngest was out of the house. No thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To the poster who said "work is just for money"...where did you get this viewpoint?

If you mother had been a a scientist or oncologist or your father had been a therapist or human rights lawyer...you might not feel this way.

Many people devote their work lives to making the world a better place. That is a great source of pride and inspiration for their children.

Sort of sad that you don't get that.

I say this as part of a couple where we both have jobs that you mentioned on your list...your work life is not a source of pride and inspiration for your children. Maybe it will be when they become adults, but children, adolescents, and even young adults are generally pretty self-centered when it comes to their relationship with their parents.

My mother’s work was absolutely a source of pride for me as a kid. She wasn’t even anything really cool like a civil rights lawyer, just an executive at a midsized corporation. But she had a secretary and reports and I thought that was amazing.

If she stayed at home you would have thought the same and appreciated all she did as well.

Nope. She did become a SAHM with my (much) younger brother and I was very disappointed.

Then you’re kind of a jerk

DP. Similar situation with my mother. She worked for a bit when I was younger. Then stayed home for about 10 more years after my youngest sibling was born and then went back into the workforce and it has been very cool to watch her soar in her career during the second act in her career. She’s gotten a ton of promotions and it’s nice to see her getting accolades from outside the home because it is not the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know a few women whose husbands earn an ok amount but probably not enough to full pay private college tuition or have enough saved for retirement. I am sure their everyday lives of a comfortable home and modest vacations are fine.

I am guessing this is the type of situation OP is in.

I know some women in this situation and they also don’t want to go back to work. I’m a SAHM also and think this is kind of lazy. My kids are still young.

Maybe you don’t realize the realities of going back to work when kids are older: you usually still need to find something with a lot of flexibility for kid illnesses or all of the random school holidays, unless your spouse can really take over all of that stuff. You also don’t have a lot of vacation time when you first start out so you’ll be trying to save that up, and can’t just take off on a family vacation anytime. These are reasons why some women don’t find it worth it to go back to work.

What about personal and professional growth? Learning new skills? Challenging yourself? These are all good reasons to work.

There are good reasons to take some classes, find some hobbies. But not to chain yourself to 40 hr/week employment that now you have to schedule everything else around, take off a ton of days (or find childcare) for holiday breaks, conference days, summer, hope your time off aligns with spouses if you ever want to go on vacation. If you don't need the income and the job you are taking isn't something you are incredibly passionate about- it seems like a lot of extra "busy" work with little benefit.

No, the benefits are professional recognition and resume-building, plus having health benefits in case the husband dies or loses his job. There's no good reason to not work when so many working parents can do it.

lol yes there is, it's called money. If you have enough or more than enough, then you can spend your free time on hobbies, passion projects, fitness, wellness, and just plain leisure. It's what rich people have always done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Real question- what do SAHM’s do with their time when the kids are in school all day or out of the house altogether?

Well, what kinds of things do you do on the weekends? Start there. I clean the house, run errands, go to the grocery store, prep meals, tidy up after kids, organize their wardrobes, do laundry, etc.

I work on obedience training our dog, organize our photos, spend some time on social media (including wasting time on DCUM clearly lol), go to exercise classes, take my dog on long walks while listening to podcasts. My husband and I do a lunch date once a week. Some weeks I meet up with my mom for lunch. I go to coffee with a group of friends after our barre class once a week. I do the usual personal upkeep stuff - hair, nails, bikini wax, occasionally a massage or facial. I occasionally go shopping with a friend or on my own. I read a lot and I'm in a book group. Before the pandemic, I volunteered in the kids' schools. Recently I started volunteering at an animal shelter.

My husband is semi retired. In the winter, we go skiing once a week. In the spring and fall we play tennis together. We love to travel and we do it as much as we can. I research and plan all of our trips (6-7 including long weekends).

Our afternoons are very busy because our kids are busy. I pick up the kids from school twice a week to get them to the tutor on time and I facilitate stuff with the tutor. I take the kids to their activities. Some I have to stay for. I usually take them to the library once a week to return and pick up new books. Then back home for dinner, homework, showers, bedtime routine.

Weekends we like to keep free so we can do fun stuff with the kids. Outings to their games, kid friendly museums, the zoo or aquarium, hikes, skiing in the winter, etc. Church on Sunday, brunch after with my in laws, and we have game night every Sunday night.

IDK, it feels like a nice life to me. It's privileged for sure, I admit that. Raising our kids to be good people gives me a sense of purpose. Noticing and appreciating life's little moments gives me meaning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Real question- what do SAHM’s do with their time when the kids are in school all day or out of the house altogether?

Well, what kinds of things do you do on the weekends? Start there. I clean the house, run errands, go to the grocery store, prep meals, tidy up after kids, organize their wardrobes, do laundry, etc.

I work on obedience training our dog, organize our photos, spend some time on social media (including wasting time on DCUM clearly lol), go to exercise classes, take my dog on long walks while listening to podcasts. My husband and I do a lunch date once a week. Some weeks I meet up with my mom for lunch. I go to coffee with a group of friends after our barre class once a week. I do the usual personal upkeep stuff - hair, nails, bikini wax, occasionally a massage or facial. I occasionally go shopping with a friend or on my own. I read a lot and I'm in a book group. Before the pandemic, I volunteered in the kids' schools. Recently I started volunteering at an animal shelter.

My husband is semi retired. In the winter, we go skiing once a week. In the spring and fall we play tennis together. We love to travel and we do it as much as we can. I research and plan all of our trips (6-7 including long weekends).

Our afternoons are very busy because our kids are busy. I pick up the kids from school twice a week to get them to the tutor on time and I facilitate stuff with the tutor. I take the kids to their activities. Some I have to stay for. I usually take them to the library once a week to return and pick up new books. Then back home for dinner, homework, showers, bedtime routine.

Weekends we like to keep free so we can do fun stuff with the kids. Outings to their games, kid friendly museums, the zoo or aquarium, hikes, skiing in the winter, etc. Church on Sunday, brunch after with my in laws, and we have game night every Sunday night.

IDK, it feels like a nice life to me. It's privileged for sure, I admit that. Raising our kids to be good people gives me a sense of purpose. Noticing and appreciating life's little moments gives me meaning.

Sounds lovely! Are you sure you wouldn't rather be in in an office cubicle looking busy?

[Anonymous]

No one is defensive about being a SAHM. SAHMs are attacked on DCUM precisely because they are well educated and rich. Being a SAHM in DCUM is a status signal. You do understand that this is a bloody expensive place and most people are working to pay bills?

As far as kids are concerned, I don't know about most people but for my DH and I, having kids was the biggest blessing of our lives. For me, my kids are a great example of superior nature and nurture. I sometime wonder if I had kids who had average intellect, plain looks and annoying temperament, would I have stayed at home? Would I have breastfed them as long as I did? I know for sure if they were like many other children who I see in their school ...heck I would have fed them rice cereal at birth so that I could leave them with a care giver and gone back to work without a pang of guilt.

It takes real cajones to argue on the one hand that your children are the result of superior nature and nurture and then to immediately turn around and say that if your kids were less attractive or intelligent, you would have fed them rice cereal instead of breastfeeding them and dumped them with a sitter so you could go back to work. And you seem to think you could ascertain a child's future attractiveness, intelligence, and personality within the first few months of life, too, which is.... deranged.

You think you're making an argument for your superior genetics but you are actually just demonstrating that you are an idiot (and a pretty terrible and unloving parent, to boot). Good work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No one is talking about the downside to being a SAHM- being completely dependent on another person for financial security. Three of my friends are utterly miserable in their marriages. Two will never divorce because they can’t afford to do they’ll stay in their miserable marriages forever. The third is trying to get divorced but is completely delusional about how much money she should be receiving in support and is going to be very unhappy when reality sets in. They’re all in their late 40’s or early 50’s with high school aged kids, married 17-22 years. If they had kept even a toe in the working world they could change their circumstances.

Exactly. What your friends are going through is far more common than what most UMC people want to talk about.