Extreme resentment over mental load

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get it OP. We got an email about the "class gift" for one of my kids teachers earlier this week and they haven't sent the money yet because last week I did the money for the PTA fund, the money for the fund to give bonuses to specials teachers, I write thank you cards for each of my kids' EC coaches, and I ordered photo books for both sets of grandparents featuring highlights from their visits with our kids this year.

DH also got the class gift email. He also has Venmo.

If I asked him to do it, he would. He'd also be bewildered -- why ask when it's just a minute in my phone to do it? But it's not really about this one task. So instead i'm sitting on it and feeling resentful, and in the back of my head I'm thinking how the class mom is likely annoyed at me and others who haven't contributed yet, and that's fair because she's going above and beyond in organizing, and yet no one is annoyed with my husband. Except me.

The difference in expectations for moms and dads is vast.

Self imposed expectations seem to be at least part of the issue in a lot of these situations.

Just relax, take a deep breath.

None of the stuff you mentioned is critical. If you are doing things like writing thank you cards and making photo albums it should be done out of love. If you don’t love doing it, if it makes u cranky then just stop. I haven’t written thank you notes to any of my kids coaches and it seems fine.

It is done out of genuine appreciation for my kids' teachers and coaches, and the photo albums are done out of love for my parents and ILs and a desire to support the connection they have to our kids. Donating to school funds is an obligation but I do think it matters -- we can afford to donate something, and I have been in fundraising positions before and know freeloaders are a challenge, so I try to be conscientious towards others when they are fundraising in ways that benefit me and my family.

I'm also fine donating to the fund for the class gift. I'm grateful to the class mom for sorting that out and much prefer a class gift to the awkwardness of some people giving gifts and others not and it just not being clear what is appropriate.

I don't resent the tasks. Also, if you asked my husband if we should do any or all of these things, he'd say yes. He'd say they are important ways to contribute to our community and that the photo books for grandparents are appreciated more than other gifts we give them. But he will never, ever take the initiative to do any of these things. Worse than that, he'd claim it is beyond him. He would never write thank you notes because he has terrible handwriting. He won't donate to the different funds because he will say he has no idea how much to give or what's appropriate and he'd want me to decide. He'd claim that organizing photos for the photo books and loading them into the program to get them printed is just beyond him.

Are these things essential parts of life? No, of course not. If we were struggling for money or overwhelmed with other life events, I wouldn't do any of them. But we're not. "We" can do them. And when "we" do these things, it generates good will in our family and community, it gives my kids a sense of pride and belonging when they are aware of these things, it helps the teachers and coaches and grandparents in our lives feel appreciated and recognized. These are good things. But if I don't do them, they won't happen.

DP this is a different matter as you are not resentful.

If your mental health was compromised, that's a problem; it's appropriate in that circumstance to identity what can be changed to improve mental health.

I think this person IS resentful. Not of the tasks, but of her husband’s persistent expectation that she’ll handle all of them even though they’re things he also cares about.

Bingo.

I don't do tasks I don't think matter but I get annoyed when I do tasks my spouse and I both agree matter but he never does them and just waits for me to do them. So I'm never thinking "ugh, why do I have to give money to the room parent for a gift?" because I know why and am fine with it, but I do think "why doesn't DH ever take the initiative on this? especially when, if I ask, he'll agree it's something we should do?"

Right?
DH is not sending the Venmo for the teacher gifts, but he’s also not signing the older kids up for the SAT. All of the kid admin stuff is on me.

Your kids who take the SAT should be signing themselves up. You guys make your own problems.

Yes yes. Go on the college forum with this nonsense.

Nonsense? making my kids who take the SAT responsible for signing up? I also think the folks who project manage applications are ridiculous. But it highlights that there are posters who are controlling, if that’s what you intended.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: Your kids who take the SAT should be signing themselves up. You guys make your own problems.

DP. No, parents have responsibility here. A husband should be capable of knowing this and assigning himself the task. If the husband is too incompetent or cannot be asked, its on the other parent and there is a case for resentment here.

The Venmo for the teacher gifts is optional. Tell the teacher your husband is too incompetent to parent and for the sake of your mental load, you needed to take responsibility for the SAT. They'll understand.

These are kids who are 2 years from attending college. In many cases, a $$$$$ college. The fact that you exempt the student from responsibility here shows the issue - you do not understand who owns what responsibility. If your 16 year old cannot sign up for the SAT, you have been doing too much.

I'm not saying the parent is fully responsible. I'm saying the parent has a responsibility to ensure the child has what they need to complete the task. Maybe that's nothing. Maybe that's next-to-nothing. It's at least an on-call event for the parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like people have been brainwashed by the whole mental load / weaponized incompetence narrative.

Not applicable in this particular case, because the OP states they are making equal economic contributions, but on average men have the “mental load” of making sure that the family has enough money because they are the primary breadwinners, or are expected to be. Certainly that is not fair, but it is undeniably a social expectation. Different men and different families handle that differently. But I can tell you that it can be quite a burden. And one that men are heavily conditioned not to complain about.

The difference is that there no NYT articles about men’s mental load, or about the weaponized incompetence that many (yes not all) men face when they suggest that their wives might take on a more income producing role. Not to mention the social unacceptability of men quitting the work force to be SAHD, and don’t kid yourself if you think that decision doesn’t raise eyebrows.

I’m quite happy about the lack of discussion of men’s problems — I find whining unattractive. I just wish there wasn’t the pile-on on men.

Almost every woman I know who complains about the mental load is expected to earn money too.

+1 It's very rarely a woman complaining about the mental load when her partner is a provider. But in two-income households, very rarely is the mental load split equitably. A lot of men expect women to be the homemaker without being the provider.

This is not a happy message but. Me downshifting my job (and forgoing a ton of income) truly saved my marriage.

I used to be just like OP. I think maybe my DH was worse, but this might be true for her too: not only did I have to assign him tasks, I then had to chase him to do what he committed to (“hey it’s December 17 and we still don’t have the tree you said you’d get?”).

We both made the same income because we met in the same grad school program then got essentially the same job.

I really tried to pare this stuff down to the bare minimum but no matter how deep I cut he’d want to cut even deeper. (“Do kids actually NEED a birthday party?”).

So I quit my job and picked up something easier for a fraction of the pay. Now I’m actually grateful for what he is ready and able to contribute to the household (money) and have the bandwidth to run a household the way I think it should be.

Obviously this was only after sorting through a LOT of resentment. But eventually I came to accept that I was not born in an era where truly equal marriages are the default, that I wanted to keep my family together, and that I do love this birthday-denying weirdo.

OP I wish you luck in figuring it out. It is not easy.

I did the same thing, including meeting my husband in professional school and having similar jobs before I went to part time.
And I agree that it works better for us, and we are both more grateful for what the other provides.

Ugh, if my daughter did the same thing as you guys did, I would be really disappointed. I did not raise her to maintain the status quo of male privilege.

lol…my mom is also very disappointed in me. The hardest part of going part time was telling my mom.

I worked very hard to fund my daughter’s education, as my mother did for me. I hope my daughter thinks long and hard before reducing her participation in the work force to support a man’s career aspirations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get it OP. We got an email about the "class gift" for one of my kids teachers earlier this week and they haven't sent the money yet because last week I did the money for the PTA fund, the money for the fund to give bonuses to specials teachers, I write thank you cards for each of my kids' EC coaches, and I ordered photo books for both sets of grandparents featuring highlights from their visits with our kids this year.

DH also got the class gift email. He also has Venmo.

If I asked him to do it, he would. He'd also be bewildered -- why ask when it's just a minute in my phone to do it? But it's not really about this one task. So instead i'm sitting on it and feeling resentful, and in the back of my head I'm thinking how the class mom is likely annoyed at me and others who haven't contributed yet, and that's fair because she's going above and beyond in organizing, and yet no one is annoyed with my husband. Except me.

The difference in expectations for moms and dads is vast.

I'm a mom and a room mom and a full-time lawyer for a huge firm. I send emails to all the parents in the class asking for things. Whether the moms or the dads answer is up to that family. I also have no problem whatsoever telling people that something is my husband's responsibility and not feeling bad about it. Where are these different expectations coming from? If someone is telling you they think you, as the mom, was responsible for a specific task because you're a woman, I would say no, in our household we are both responsible for that, and move on. If you're putting the expectations on yourself, then that's your problem.

You’re suggesting expectations are the same, but referred to yourself as the room MOM in the same post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get it OP. We got an email about the "class gift" for one of my kids teachers earlier this week and they haven't sent the money yet because last week I did the money for the PTA fund, the money for the fund to give bonuses to specials teachers, I write thank you cards for each of my kids' EC coaches, and I ordered photo books for both sets of grandparents featuring highlights from their visits with our kids this year.

DH also got the class gift email. He also has Venmo.

If I asked him to do it, he would. He'd also be bewildered -- why ask when it's just a minute in my phone to do it? But it's not really about this one task. So instead i'm sitting on it and feeling resentful, and in the back of my head I'm thinking how the class mom is likely annoyed at me and others who haven't contributed yet, and that's fair because she's going above and beyond in organizing, and yet no one is annoyed with my husband. Except me.

The difference in expectations for moms and dads is vast.

Self imposed expectations seem to be at least part of the issue in a lot of these situations.

Just relax, take a deep breath.

None of the stuff you mentioned is critical. If you are doing things like writing thank you cards and making photo albums it should be done out of love. If you don’t love doing it, if it makes u cranky then just stop. I haven’t written thank you notes to any of my kids coaches and it seems fine.

It is done out of genuine appreciation for my kids' teachers and coaches, and the photo albums are done out of love for my parents and ILs and a desire to support the connection they have to our kids. Donating to school funds is an obligation but I do think it matters -- we can afford to donate something, and I have been in fundraising positions before and know freeloaders are a challenge, so I try to be conscientious towards others when they are fundraising in ways that benefit me and my family.

I'm also fine donating to the fund for the class gift. I'm grateful to the class mom for sorting that out and much prefer a class gift to the awkwardness of some people giving gifts and others not and it just not being clear what is appropriate.

I don't resent the tasks. Also, if you asked my husband if we should do any or all of these things, he'd say yes. He'd say they are important ways to contribute to our community and that the photo books for grandparents are appreciated more than other gifts we give them. But he will never, ever take the initiative to do any of these things. Worse than that, he'd claim it is beyond him. He would never write thank you notes because he has terrible handwriting. He won't donate to the different funds because he will say he has no idea how much to give or what's appropriate and he'd want me to decide. He'd claim that organizing photos for the photo books and loading them into the program to get them printed is just beyond him.

Are these things essential parts of life? No, of course not. If we were struggling for money or overwhelmed with other life events, I wouldn't do any of them. But we're not. "We" can do them. And when "we" do these things, it generates good will in our family and community, it gives my kids a sense of pride and belonging when they are aware of these things, it helps the teachers and coaches and grandparents in our lives feel appreciated and recognized. These are good things. But if I don't do them, they won't happen.

DP this is a different matter as you are not resentful.

If your mental health was compromised, that's a problem; it's appropriate in that circumstance to identity what can be changed to improve mental health.

I think this person IS resentful. Not of the tasks, but of her husband’s persistent expectation that she’ll handle all of them even though they’re things he also cares about.

Bingo.

I don't do tasks I don't think matter but I get annoyed when I do tasks my spouse and I both agree matter but he never does them and just waits for me to do them. So I'm never thinking "ugh, why do I have to give money to the room parent for a gift?" because I know why and am fine with it, but I do think "why doesn't DH ever take the initiative on this? especially when, if I ask, he'll agree it's something we should do?"

Right?
DH is not sending the Venmo for the teacher gifts, but he’s also not signing the older kids up for the SAT. All of the kid admin stuff is on me.

Your kids who take the SAT should be signing themselves up. You guys make your own problems.

Lol I remember picking up my friend to go take the SAT and her mom was fussing over her making sure she ate eggs for breakfast and so on. The mom said "didn't your mom make sure you ate a good breakfast?" and I replied "She doesn't even know where I'm going!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get it OP. We got an email about the "class gift" for one of my kids teachers earlier this week and they haven't sent the money yet because last week I did the money for the PTA fund, the money for the fund to give bonuses to specials teachers, I write thank you cards for each of my kids' EC coaches, and I ordered photo books for both sets of grandparents featuring highlights from their visits with our kids this year.

DH also got the class gift email. He also has Venmo.

If I asked him to do it, he would. He'd also be bewildered -- why ask when it's just a minute in my phone to do it? But it's not really about this one task. So instead i'm sitting on it and feeling resentful, and in the back of my head I'm thinking how the class mom is likely annoyed at me and others who haven't contributed yet, and that's fair because she's going above and beyond in organizing, and yet no one is annoyed with my husband. Except me.

The difference in expectations for moms and dads is vast.

Self imposed expectations seem to be at least part of the issue in a lot of these situations.

Just relax, take a deep breath.

None of the stuff you mentioned is critical. If you are doing things like writing thank you cards and making photo albums it should be done out of love. If you don’t love doing it, if it makes u cranky then just stop. I haven’t written thank you notes to any of my kids coaches and it seems fine.

It is done out of genuine appreciation for my kids' teachers and coaches, and the photo albums are done out of love for my parents and ILs and a desire to support the connection they have to our kids. Donating to school funds is an obligation but I do think it matters -- we can afford to donate something, and I have been in fundraising positions before and know freeloaders are a challenge, so I try to be conscientious towards others when they are fundraising in ways that benefit me and my family.

I'm also fine donating to the fund for the class gift. I'm grateful to the class mom for sorting that out and much prefer a class gift to the awkwardness of some people giving gifts and others not and it just not being clear what is appropriate.

I don't resent the tasks. Also, if you asked my husband if we should do any or all of these things, he'd say yes. He'd say they are important ways to contribute to our community and that the photo books for grandparents are appreciated more than other gifts we give them. But he will never, ever take the initiative to do any of these things. Worse than that, he'd claim it is beyond him. He would never write thank you notes because he has terrible handwriting. He won't donate to the different funds because he will say he has no idea how much to give or what's appropriate and he'd want me to decide. He'd claim that organizing photos for the photo books and loading them into the program to get them printed is just beyond him.

Are these things essential parts of life? No, of course not. If we were struggling for money or overwhelmed with other life events, I wouldn't do any of them. But we're not. "We" can do them. And when "we" do these things, it generates good will in our family and community, it gives my kids a sense of pride and belonging when they are aware of these things, it helps the teachers and coaches and grandparents in our lives feel appreciated and recognized. These are good things. But if I don't do them, they won't happen.

DP this is a different matter as you are not resentful.

If your mental health was compromised, that's a problem; it's appropriate in that circumstance to identity what can be changed to improve mental health.

I think this person IS resentful. Not of the tasks, but of her husband’s persistent expectation that she’ll handle all of them even though they’re things he also cares about.

Bingo.

I don't do tasks I don't think matter but I get annoyed when I do tasks my spouse and I both agree matter but he never does them and just waits for me to do them. So I'm never thinking "ugh, why do I have to give money to the room parent for a gift?" because I know why and am fine with it, but I do think "why doesn't DH ever take the initiative on this? especially when, if I ask, he'll agree it's something we should do?"

Right?
DH is not sending the Venmo for the teacher gifts, but he’s also not signing the older kids up for the SAT. All of the kid admin stuff is on me.

Your kids who take the SAT should be signing themselves up. You guys make your own problems.

Yes yes. Go on the college forum with this nonsense.

Nonsense? making my kids who take the SAT responsible for signing up? I also think the folks who project manage applications are ridiculous. But it highlights that there are posters who are controlling, if that’s what you intended.

Yeah. Sure. Tell your kids to sign up for the SAT prep course themselves, using money they earn from the job that they got and ride their bikes to without any input from you and the credit card they got from a bank that gives credit to 15 year olds.

Good luck with that!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get it OP. We got an email about the "class gift" for one of my kids teachers earlier this week and they haven't sent the money yet because last week I did the money for the PTA fund, the money for the fund to give bonuses to specials teachers, I write thank you cards for each of my kids' EC coaches, and I ordered photo books for both sets of grandparents featuring highlights from their visits with our kids this year.

DH also got the class gift email. He also has Venmo.

If I asked him to do it, he would. He'd also be bewildered -- why ask when it's just a minute in my phone to do it? But it's not really about this one task. So instead i'm sitting on it and feeling resentful, and in the back of my head I'm thinking how the class mom is likely annoyed at me and others who haven't contributed yet, and that's fair because she's going above and beyond in organizing, and yet no one is annoyed with my husband. Except me.

The difference in expectations for moms and dads is vast.

Self imposed expectations seem to be at least part of the issue in a lot of these situations.

Just relax, take a deep breath.

None of the stuff you mentioned is critical. If you are doing things like writing thank you cards and making photo albums it should be done out of love. If you don’t love doing it, if it makes u cranky then just stop. I haven’t written thank you notes to any of my kids coaches and it seems fine.

It is done out of genuine appreciation for my kids' teachers and coaches, and the photo albums are done out of love for my parents and ILs and a desire to support the connection they have to our kids. Donating to school funds is an obligation but I do think it matters -- we can afford to donate something, and I have been in fundraising positions before and know freeloaders are a challenge, so I try to be conscientious towards others when they are fundraising in ways that benefit me and my family.

I'm also fine donating to the fund for the class gift. I'm grateful to the class mom for sorting that out and much prefer a class gift to the awkwardness of some people giving gifts and others not and it just not being clear what is appropriate.

I don't resent the tasks. Also, if you asked my husband if we should do any or all of these things, he'd say yes. He'd say they are important ways to contribute to our community and that the photo books for grandparents are appreciated more than other gifts we give them. But he will never, ever take the initiative to do any of these things. Worse than that, he'd claim it is beyond him. He would never write thank you notes because he has terrible handwriting. He won't donate to the different funds because he will say he has no idea how much to give or what's appropriate and he'd want me to decide. He'd claim that organizing photos for the photo books and loading them into the program to get them printed is just beyond him.

Are these things essential parts of life? No, of course not. If we were struggling for money or overwhelmed with other life events, I wouldn't do any of them. But we're not. "We" can do them. And when "we" do these things, it generates good will in our family and community, it gives my kids a sense of pride and belonging when they are aware of these things, it helps the teachers and coaches and grandparents in our lives feel appreciated and recognized. These are good things. But if I don't do them, they won't happen.

DP this is a different matter as you are not resentful.

If your mental health was compromised, that's a problem; it's appropriate in that circumstance to identity what can be changed to improve mental health.

I think this person IS resentful. Not of the tasks, but of her husband’s persistent expectation that she’ll handle all of them even though they’re things he also cares about.

Bingo.

I don't do tasks I don't think matter but I get annoyed when I do tasks my spouse and I both agree matter but he never does them and just waits for me to do them. So I'm never thinking "ugh, why do I have to give money to the room parent for a gift?" because I know why and am fine with it, but I do think "why doesn't DH ever take the initiative on this? especially when, if I ask, he'll agree it's something we should do?"

Right?
DH is not sending the Venmo for the teacher gifts, but he’s also not signing the older kids up for the SAT. All of the kid admin stuff is on me.

Your kids who take the SAT should be signing themselves up. You guys make your own problems.

Yes yes. Go on the college forum with this nonsense.

Nonsense? making my kids who take the SAT responsible for signing up? I also think the folks who project manage applications are ridiculous. But it highlights that there are posters who are controlling, if that’s what you intended.

Yeah. Sure. Tell your kids to sign up for the SAT prep course themselves, using money they earn from the job that they got and ride their bikes to without any input from you and the credit card they got from a bank that gives credit to 15 year olds.

Good luck with that!!

Your kid picks a class that works for time and budget. Then uses your credit card. I have high schoolers and am well aware of how it works. But keep on coddling the kids who are going to leave the house in a couple years and spending a lot of money to do so. I want to make sure they can handle the bare minimum (which this is) before they head out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: Your kids who take the SAT should be signing themselves up. You guys make your own problems.

DP. No, parents have responsibility here. A husband should be capable of knowing this and assigning himself the task. If the husband is too incompetent or cannot be asked, its on the other parent and there is a case for resentment here.

The Venmo for the teacher gifts is optional. Tell the teacher your husband is too incompetent to parent and for the sake of your mental load, you needed to take responsibility for the SAT. They'll understand.

These are kids who are 2 years from attending college. In many cases, a $$$$$ college. The fact that you exempt the student from responsibility here shows the issue - you do not understand who owns what responsibility. If your 16 year old cannot sign up for the SAT, you have been doing too much.

I'm not saying the parent is fully responsible. I'm saying the parent has a responsibility to ensure the child has what they need to complete the task. Maybe that's nothing. Maybe that's next-to-nothing. It's at least an on-call event for the parent.

On-call event is a big difference than signing the kid up. Which is it? And by the way, on-call event sounds like basic parenting of teens. Are you saying some of your husbands don’t even do that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: Your kids who take the SAT should be signing themselves up. You guys make your own problems.

DP. No, parents have responsibility here. A husband should be capable of knowing this and assigning himself the task. If the husband is too incompetent or cannot be asked, its on the other parent and there is a case for resentment here.

The Venmo for the teacher gifts is optional. Tell the teacher your husband is too incompetent to parent and for the sake of your mental load, you needed to take responsibility for the SAT. They'll understand.

These are kids who are 2 years from attending college. In many cases, a $$$$$ college. The fact that you exempt the student from responsibility here shows the issue - you do not understand who owns what responsibility. If your 16 year old cannot sign up for the SAT, you have been doing too much.

I'm not saying the parent is fully responsible. I'm saying the parent has a responsibility to ensure the child has what they need to complete the task. Maybe that's nothing. Maybe that's next-to-nothing. It's at least an on-call event for the parent.

On-call event is a big difference than signing the kid up. Which is it? And by the way, on-call event sounds like basic parenting of teens. Are you saying some of your husbands don’t even do that?

I just said parents "have responsibility" here. I was not intending that to mean the responsibility must always involve signing up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get it OP. We got an email about the "class gift" for one of my kids teachers earlier this week and they haven't sent the money yet because last week I did the money for the PTA fund, the money for the fund to give bonuses to specials teachers, I write thank you cards for each of my kids' EC coaches, and I ordered photo books for both sets of grandparents featuring highlights from their visits with our kids this year.

DH also got the class gift email. He also has Venmo.

If I asked him to do it, he would. He'd also be bewildered -- why ask when it's just a minute in my phone to do it? But it's not really about this one task. So instead i'm sitting on it and feeling resentful, and in the back of my head I'm thinking how the class mom is likely annoyed at me and others who haven't contributed yet, and that's fair because she's going above and beyond in organizing, and yet no one is annoyed with my husband. Except me.

The difference in expectations for moms and dads is vast.

I'm a mom and a room mom and a full-time lawyer for a huge firm. I send emails to all the parents in the class asking for things. Whether the moms or the dads answer is up to that family. I also have no problem whatsoever telling people that something is my husband's responsibility and not feeling bad about it. Where are these different expectations coming from? If someone is telling you they think you, as the mom, was responsible for a specific task because you're a woman, I would say no, in our household we are both responsible for that, and move on. If you're putting the expectations on yourself, then that's your problem.

You’re suggesting expectations are the same, but referred to yourself as the room MOM in the same post.

Yes, I'm a room mom. There are also room dads. What's your point? I call them generally room parents but I am a room mom. Because I'm a mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get it OP. We got an email about the "class gift" for one of my kids teachers earlier this week and they haven't sent the money yet because last week I did the money for the PTA fund, the money for the fund to give bonuses to specials teachers, I write thank you cards for each of my kids' EC coaches, and I ordered photo books for both sets of grandparents featuring highlights from their visits with our kids this year.

DH also got the class gift email. He also has Venmo.

If I asked him to do it, he would. He'd also be bewildered -- why ask when it's just a minute in my phone to do it? But it's not really about this one task. So instead i'm sitting on it and feeling resentful, and in the back of my head I'm thinking how the class mom is likely annoyed at me and others who haven't contributed yet, and that's fair because she's going above and beyond in organizing, and yet no one is annoyed with my husband. Except me.

The difference in expectations for moms and dads is vast.

Self imposed expectations seem to be at least part of the issue in a lot of these situations.

Just relax, take a deep breath.

None of the stuff you mentioned is critical. If you are doing things like writing thank you cards and making photo albums it should be done out of love. If you don’t love doing it, if it makes u cranky then just stop. I haven’t written thank you notes to any of my kids coaches and it seems fine.

It is done out of genuine appreciation for my kids' teachers and coaches, and the photo albums are done out of love for my parents and ILs and a desire to support the connection they have to our kids. Donating to school funds is an obligation but I do think it matters -- we can afford to donate something, and I have been in fundraising positions before and know freeloaders are a challenge, so I try to be conscientious towards others when they are fundraising in ways that benefit me and my family.

I'm also fine donating to the fund for the class gift. I'm grateful to the class mom for sorting that out and much prefer a class gift to the awkwardness of some people giving gifts and others not and it just not being clear what is appropriate.

I don't resent the tasks. Also, if you asked my husband if we should do any or all of these things, he'd say yes. He'd say they are important ways to contribute to our community and that the photo books for grandparents are appreciated more than other gifts we give them. But he will never, ever take the initiative to do any of these things. Worse than that, he'd claim it is beyond him. He would never write thank you notes because he has terrible handwriting. He won't donate to the different funds because he will say he has no idea how much to give or what's appropriate and he'd want me to decide. He'd claim that organizing photos for the photo books and loading them into the program to get them printed is just beyond him.

Are these things essential parts of life? No, of course not. If we were struggling for money or overwhelmed with other life events, I wouldn't do any of them. But we're not. "We" can do them. And when "we" do these things, it generates good will in our family and community, it gives my kids a sense of pride and belonging when they are aware of these things, it helps the teachers and coaches and grandparents in our lives feel appreciated and recognized. These are good things. But if I don't do them, they won't happen.

DP this is a different matter as you are not resentful.

If your mental health was compromised, that's a problem; it's appropriate in that circumstance to identity what can be changed to improve mental health.

I think this person IS resentful. Not of the tasks, but of her husband’s persistent expectation that she’ll handle all of them even though they’re things he also cares about.

Bingo.

I don't do tasks I don't think matter but I get annoyed when I do tasks my spouse and I both agree matter but he never does them and just waits for me to do them. So I'm never thinking "ugh, why do I have to give money to the room parent for a gift?" because I know why and am fine with it, but I do think "why doesn't DH ever take the initiative on this? especially when, if I ask, he'll agree it's something we should do?"

Right?
DH is not sending the Venmo for the teacher gifts, but he’s also not signing the older kids up for the SAT. All of the kid admin stuff is on me.

Your kids who take the SAT should be signing themselves up. You guys make your own problems.

Yes yes. Go on the college forum with this nonsense.

Nonsense? making my kids who take the SAT responsible for signing up? I also think the folks who project manage applications are ridiculous. But it highlights that there are posters who are controlling, if that’s what you intended.

Yeah. Sure. Tell your kids to sign up for the SAT prep course themselves, using money they earn from the job that they got and ride their bikes to without any input from you and the credit card they got from a bank that gives credit to 15 year olds.

Good luck with that!!

Your kid picks a class that works for time and budget. Then uses your credit card. I have high schoolers and am well aware of how it works. But keep on coddling the kids who are going to leave the house in a couple years and spending a lot of money to do so. I want to make sure they can handle the bare minimum (which this is) before they head out.

Whatever.
Use whatever excuse you want to in order to avoid interacting with your own kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: Your kids who take the SAT should be signing themselves up. You guys make your own problems.

DP. No, parents have responsibility here. A husband should be capable of knowing this and assigning himself the task. If the husband is too incompetent or cannot be asked, its on the other parent and there is a case for resentment here.

The Venmo for the teacher gifts is optional. Tell the teacher your husband is too incompetent to parent and for the sake of your mental load, you needed to take responsibility for the SAT. They'll understand.

At least in my kids' classrooms, classroom arrangements, signup genius links, venmo requests, etc. are all done through a group chat via the school's app. All classroom parents are added. Emails are also sent to all classroom parents. Not ONE husband responds to chats, emails, signup genius. It's 100% moms. On the class party day there's decent dad turnout, so I know they're aware. And I know the majority of moms are working moms. It's been like this since daycare!

I also handle most kid admin in my house. My husband is no slouch otherwise, but there are times when I'm underwater and need help and he is completely blind to this kind of work no matter how many app notifications/emails/paperwork are sent. I have to directly ask. Yes, some of it's fluff, no one will die if we forget cookies for the teacher cookie exchange, but we DO need to get the required class shirt, recorder, contribute to group activities, pay for field trips, sign online permission slips, check grades and homework, update parental settings on devices, and on and on. I truly believe the idea that planning around children's lives is "women's work" is so pervasive, the vast majority of men will not change, even if it's subconscious and they present a flexible, equitable mindset.

Do not get me started on Christmas.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get it OP. We got an email about the "class gift" for one of my kids teachers earlier this week and they haven't sent the money yet because last week I did the money for the PTA fund, the money for the fund to give bonuses to specials teachers, I write thank you cards for each of my kids' EC coaches, and I ordered photo books for both sets of grandparents featuring highlights from their visits with our kids this year.

DH also got the class gift email. He also has Venmo.

If I asked him to do it, he would. He'd also be bewildered -- why ask when it's just a minute in my phone to do it? But it's not really about this one task. So instead i'm sitting on it and feeling resentful, and in the back of my head I'm thinking how the class mom is likely annoyed at me and others who haven't contributed yet, and that's fair because she's going above and beyond in organizing, and yet no one is annoyed with my husband. Except me.

The difference in expectations for moms and dads is vast.

Self imposed expectations seem to be at least part of the issue in a lot of these situations.

Just relax, take a deep breath.

None of the stuff you mentioned is critical. If you are doing things like writing thank you cards and making photo albums it should be done out of love. If you don’t love doing it, if it makes u cranky then just stop. I haven’t written thank you notes to any of my kids coaches and it seems fine.

It is done out of genuine appreciation for my kids' teachers and coaches, and the photo albums are done out of love for my parents and ILs and a desire to support the connection they have to our kids. Donating to school funds is an obligation but I do think it matters -- we can afford to donate something, and I have been in fundraising positions before and know freeloaders are a challenge, so I try to be conscientious towards others when they are fundraising in ways that benefit me and my family.

I'm also fine donating to the fund for the class gift. I'm grateful to the class mom for sorting that out and much prefer a class gift to the awkwardness of some people giving gifts and others not and it just not being clear what is appropriate.

I don't resent the tasks. Also, if you asked my husband if we should do any or all of these things, he'd say yes. He'd say they are important ways to contribute to our community and that the photo books for grandparents are appreciated more than other gifts we give them. But he will never, ever take the initiative to do any of these things. Worse than that, he'd claim it is beyond him. He would never write thank you notes because he has terrible handwriting. He won't donate to the different funds because he will say he has no idea how much to give or what's appropriate and he'd want me to decide. He'd claim that organizing photos for the photo books and loading them into the program to get them printed is just beyond him.

Are these things essential parts of life? No, of course not. If we were struggling for money or overwhelmed with other life events, I wouldn't do any of them. But we're not. "We" can do them. And when "we" do these things, it generates good will in our family and community, it gives my kids a sense of pride and belonging when they are aware of these things, it helps the teachers and coaches and grandparents in our lives feel appreciated and recognized. These are good things. But if I don't do them, they won't happen.

DP this is a different matter as you are not resentful.

If your mental health was compromised, that's a problem; it's appropriate in that circumstance to identity what can be changed to improve mental health.

I think this person IS resentful. Not of the tasks, but of her husband’s persistent expectation that she’ll handle all of them even though they’re things he also cares about.

Bingo.

I don't do tasks I don't think matter but I get annoyed when I do tasks my spouse and I both agree matter but he never does them and just waits for me to do them. So I'm never thinking "ugh, why do I have to give money to the room parent for a gift?" because I know why and am fine with it, but I do think "why doesn't DH ever take the initiative on this? especially when, if I ask, he'll agree it's something we should do?"

Right?
DH is not sending the Venmo for the teacher gifts, but he’s also not signing the older kids up for the SAT. All of the kid admin stuff is on me.

Your kids who take the SAT should be signing themselves up. You guys make your own problems.

Yes yes. Go on the college forum with this nonsense.

Nonsense? making my kids who take the SAT responsible for signing up? I also think the folks who project manage applications are ridiculous. But it highlights that there are posters who are controlling, if that’s what you intended.

Yeah. Sure. Tell your kids to sign up for the SAT prep course themselves, using money they earn from the job that they got and ride their bikes to without any input from you and the credit card they got from a bank that gives credit to 15 year olds.

Good luck with that!!

Your kid picks a class that works for time and budget. Then uses your credit card. I have high schoolers and am well aware of how it works. But keep on coddling the kids who are going to leave the house in a couple years and spending a lot of money to do so. I want to make sure they can handle the bare minimum (which this is) before they head out.

Right, and in one of these marriages where dad does nothing unless explicitly told to do so, and even then often claims incompetence, who teaches the kids about money? Who teaches them how to use a credit card? Who was cares the kids on practicalities so that by the age of 16 or 17, they have the judgment to go online and find prep classes and figure out which one works best with their schedule

Mom. Mom does. And she is happy and relieved when that hard work pays off with a kid who is somewhat independent and can take some of this responsibility in themselves. But this doesn't change the fact that the labor of raising that kid didn't fall inequitably on a woman who also has a job, also needs to rest, also has personal limits and frustrations and was not born understanding intuitively how to teach a child to be a functioning and independent member of society.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: Your kids who take the SAT should be signing themselves up. You guys make your own problems.

DP. No, parents have responsibility here. A husband should be capable of knowing this and assigning himself the task. If the husband is too incompetent or cannot be asked, its on the other parent and there is a case for resentment here.

The Venmo for the teacher gifts is optional. Tell the teacher your husband is too incompetent to parent and for the sake of your mental load, you needed to take responsibility for the SAT. They'll understand.

At least in my kids' classrooms, classroom arrangements, signup genius links, venmo requests, etc. are all done through a group chat via the school's app. All classroom parents are added. Emails are also sent to all classroom parents. Not ONE husband responds to chats, emails, signup genius. It's 100% moms. On the class party day there's decent dad turnout, so I know they're aware. And I know the majority of moms are working moms. It's been like this since daycare!

I also handle most kid admin in my house. My husband is no slouch otherwise, but there are times when I'm underwater and need help and he is completely blind to this kind of work no matter how many app notifications/emails/paperwork are sent. I have to directly ask. Yes, some of it's fluff, no one will die if we forget cookies for the teacher cookie exchange, but we DO need to get the required class shirt, recorder, contribute to group activities, pay for field trips, sign online permission slips, check grades and homework, update parental settings on devices, and on and on. I truly believe the idea that planning around children's lives is "women's work" is so pervasive, the vast majority of men will not change, even if it's subconscious and they present a flexible, equitable mindset.

Do not get me started on Christmas.

Same for us regarding all dads being on these chats and it being totally moms dealing with it. There are two dads (out of 40-some families across two classes) who participate.

And ALL the moms work, and many have jobs every bit as challenging as their husband's. Some are fily breadwinners.

Also, the two dads that participate -- their wives also participate. But for a lot of other families, the dad has zero involvement.

This is a UMC public school in DC. Also, some of the class and PTA stuff is dumb make work (I don't do that) but a lot of this is just necessary stuff -- making sure kids have supplies, knowing deadlines, ensuring there are sufficient chaperones for school trips, disseminating info about aftercare, administrative deadlines, etc.

That's how I know that the women in this thread saying "it's unequal" are not BSing. It's not! And it's not because all the women are bad communicators or just live feeling resentful or whatever. It's because it's just not equal. Most moms work, but few dads do as much parenting/household admin as moms. And that's just the truth. It's no wonder women sometimes complain. It is a testament to our fortitude that we don't complain more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: Your kids who take the SAT should be signing themselves up. You guys make your own problems.

DP. No, parents have responsibility here. A husband should be capable of knowing this and assigning himself the task. If the husband is too incompetent or cannot be asked, its on the other parent and there is a case for resentment here.

The Venmo for the teacher gifts is optional. Tell the teacher your husband is too incompetent to parent and for the sake of your mental load, you needed to take responsibility for the SAT. They'll understand.

At least in my kids' classrooms, classroom arrangements, signup genius links, venmo requests, etc. are all done through a group chat via the school's app. All classroom parents are added. Emails are also sent to all classroom parents. Not ONE husband responds to chats, emails, signup genius. It's 100% moms. On the class party day there's decent dad turnout, so I know they're aware. And I know the majority of moms are working moms. It's been like this since daycare!

I also handle most kid admin in my house. My husband is no slouch otherwise, but there are times when I'm underwater and need help and he is completely blind to this kind of work no matter how many app notifications/emails/paperwork are sent. I have to directly ask. Yes, some of it's fluff, no one will die if we forget cookies for the teacher cookie exchange, but we DO need to get the required class shirt, recorder, contribute to group activities, pay for field trips, sign online permission slips, check grades and homework, update parental settings on devices, and on and on. I truly believe the idea that planning around children's lives is "women's work" is so pervasive, the vast majority of men will not change, even if it's subconscious and they present a flexible, equitable mindset.

Do not get me started on Christmas.

This is my life

Also experience only mothers organizing, planning, volunteering etc. Dads attend some events but that is it.

Recently two emails went out about 1) childcare sign ups for next year and 2) parent teacher conferences. He never mentioned either.